What does it mean when your partner in a romantic relationship never,
and I mean never addresses you by your given name?

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Request for Question Clarification by sublime1-ga on 16 Feb 2006 19:10 PST

arlosmom...

It depends, somewhat. If this is coupled with the use of demeaning
or derogatory nicknames, it can be a sign of someone who is being
controlling or domineering.

See the excerpts from 'PERFECT DAUGHTERS' by Robert J. Ackerman,
Ph.D., on this page on relationships on the Passive-Agressive 
Helping Hand site, in response to the question "Are you in a 
controlling relationship?" Among them:

"He never calls you by your real name - he uses a demeaning or
 derogatory nickname."

Much more on the page:
http://www.passiveaggressive.homestead.com/Relationships.html

If there is no indication of derision, there may be alternate
possibilities for the behavior.

Let me know if this fits your experience and satisfies your
interests in asking the question, or if there is something
more you can say about the situation.

sublime1-ga

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Clarification of Question by arlosmom-ga on 21 Feb 2006 11:54 PST

I am satisfied with the answer provided by you as well as the comments
made by others.  My partner is kind and considerate of my feelings at
all times, I just think it unusual since others I am around,
especially at work, call me by my given name the majority of the time.
 Thank you for your help.

arlosmom...

Thanks for confirming my response as a suitable answer for
your question. I'll repeat it here for the sake of future
readers.

---------------------------------------------------------

It depends, somewhat. If this is coupled with the use of demeaning
or derogatory nicknames, it can be a sign of someone who is being
controlling or domineering.

See the excerpts from 'PERFECT DAUGHTERS' by Robert J. Ackerman,
Ph.D., on this page on relationships on the Passive-Agressive 
Helping Hand site, in response to the question "Are you in a 
controlling relationship?" Among them:

"He never calls you by your real name - he uses a demeaning or
 derogatory nickname."

Much more on the page:
http://www.passiveaggressive.homestead.com/Relationships.html

If there is no indication of derision, there may be alternate
possibilities for the behavior.


These alternative possibilities have been pretty well covered
in comments by others, and the main reason is that affection,
familiarity and propinquity have made the formality of a 
given name unnecessary. This can be observed even with pets.
You may use their name when calling them or talking about them
with others, but when you're just hanging out with them on the
couch after 15 years of being together, you're more likely to
say something like, "hey girl" or "what's up big fella", or 
use some other informal nickname. The same behavior can show
up between two humans who have grown very comfortable in each
other's presence.

The use of a given name in the workplace is, relatively, a
formality which acts to establish identity (especially in a 
room full of other people), define boundaries, and enable
clear communications.

When two people have spent years alone together in an informal,
comfortable home environment, the use of a given name serves
relatively little purpose, by contrast.


Please do not rate this answer until you are satisfied that  
the answer cannot be improved upon by way of a dialog  
established through the "Request for Clarification" process. 

sublime1-ga


Additional information may be found from an exploration of
the links resulting from the Google searches outlined below.

Searches done, via Google:

"never * by your * name
://www.google.com/search?q=%22never+*+by+your+*+name

I find that some people address persons by name a lot less than others do.
Perhaps this is a result of upbringing, perhaps because in most of
their work and free time there is less need to:  mostly one-on-one
situations where the person addressed is obviously the only one
around.
Nicknames don't have to be demeaning, but there is nothing wrong with
telling a person that one would prefer that they use one's real name 
- nor with asking him why he doesn't.  Maybe he doesn't like the name
or relates it to someone in his past  - which doesn't have to be a bad
reason.

Now that I think of it, my husband and I seldom address each other by
our first names (we've been married for more than 25 years).

Personally, I don't really care what name someone chooses to call me,
as long as I am treated with kindness and respect. If my husband were
to decide never to call me anything but "stinky britches," but he
demonstrates love and consideration in all his actions, that's OK by
me.

I hardly ever call my SO by his real name unless I'm angry or upset.

Usually I just call him "sweety" and he knows I mean him :)

Steph53

"What does it mean when your partner in a romantic relationship never,
and I mean never addresses you by your given name?"

Obviously a derogatory name is controlling and hostile. But a term of
endearment would be the opposite. Winston Churchill and his wife were
married over 50 years and had several quaint nick names for each
other. Depends on how long and how much time they devote to each
other.