I have several friends that appear very 'put together' in every sense.
they have great careers,very attractive, intelligent, self
reliable,etc...BUT either no man or with a man that treats them
poorly. The friend i'm most concerned is with this guy for 6 yrs, and
they have a child age 5. Their child doesn't even want to be around
them. Child says they fight too much. The guy calls my friend terrible
names all the time. Most of the names are "Your stupid" or 'your
retarded'.They live together and he won't give her a key to the house,
and if she's not home by 8:00pm he'll lock her out.She's 27yrs. old,
and has parents that help with their child and she has a room in their
home. PLUS she owns her own home,but rents it out. I realize she needs
to grow up and get the heck away from this man, but she can't seem to.
He cheats and girls call while she's at his house.He always has an
answer for her, like" well you moved out so do you expect me to sit
here and cry", or says it's buisness related...she makes excuses for
him, because he was abused by his dad and his school teacher called
him stupid(in 5th grade), and this is why he does this to her. When
she does leave him temporarily, she'll always immediatly go out with
another guy, and feels it's 'pay back'...I've told her it's not pay
back and only hurting herself...I know i can't change her or fix
anyones problems, but the abuse is constant and they've both been to
jail for domestic violence, and she's been to counslers...nothing
seems to help!! Her parents don't seem to help her,except for taking
care of the child...They allow him(boyfriend)to come over their
home,etc...I guess my main question is why do woman stay in this type
of relationship and what can I do to help her (if anything) Thanks

Women like men like that for basically the same reason that Elvis was popular,
they're attracted to someone who behaves like an idiot.

rockysmomlv...

This is hard to explain...

Some women just cannot function/live alone without a man/partner...no
matter how bad they are treated.

I, too, have had friends that cannot live alone so therefore they choosen/chosed

to remain in an "abusive" relationship only because they cannot live alone...

Its a sad turn of events but there is no justifying it if the partners
choose to remain...

Steph53

Yes, that does sound pretty bad. However, if you wish to know just how
bad it can be, get a copy of PRONE TO VIOLENCE by Erin Pizzey. She
started the first modern domestic violence shelter a long time ago in
UK.  It seems that all we have been taught about DV simply isn't true.
Of the first 100 women who came to her shelter, around half of them
were the most violent people she had ever encountered in her career as
a woman's advocate.

When she first wrote it, she had to leave the UK because of death
threats -- from women.

The book was suppressed for many years, so was available free on the
Web. Finally, it was printed and so removed from free access, but
should be available -- somewhere.

I found Erin Pizzey's book on http://www.bennett.com/ptv/index.shtml 

One other explanation I've thought of is that some women believe that
they could change their man, that myth that a person can change
another person. It may be superiority complex on the part of the
woman, or desire to stick to the man no matter what... or whatever...

If you ever listen to the show Loveline on the radio, you'll hear A
LOT of questions about the same subject. In most cases, it appears
that women who get into relationships with abusive men have been
abused themselves earlier in their lives. Dr. Drew explains that it's
just how we're wired, that the most traumatic things that happen to us
in our early lives somehow become a very strong source of attraction
when we're older. I know it's messed up, but that's how it is. She
really needs to realize that she's in a bad place and needs to get her
life back on track; leave the loser and seek help from a professional.

the first thing to realize when talking about this question is that
attraction is not logical.  it logically makes sense not to be in an
abusive relationship, but on an emotional level attraction & "love"
are more powerful than any logic.

one reason that women may seek abusive relationships is because they
were abused early in life by parents are others that they loved. 
their brains - on an emotional level - associate abuse with love
because these are the conditions under which they were raised.  its a
big problem and counciling is probably the best answer.

this question is hard to explain coz ive tried to save a few girls
from the same situation. the 1st reason y the girls stand the abuse is
their personality. they are weak, afraid, require protection and
cannot make decision for them selves. this type of people do exist and
if unlucky to meet with the abusive male then it will happen. abusive
males tends to be very dominent and for that reason the weak girls
will stay with them, they are being protective and destructive at the
same time. the males will control all aspect of the girl life,
including money and trust me they really are dominent coz ive got into
a few fist fight with them. 2nd reason is love. its a really
complicated feeling when u love and need someone but at the same time
being abuse. 3rd reason is the male and female are of the same type.
they fight with each other everyday and not many people can be like
that. so they stay with the people that can stand their abuse and at
the same time being abuse as well. its sick but these type of people
better let them be.

There is no love in that relationship.

The reason they are staying together is for fulfillment of various needs.

Sexual fulfillment is the most common reason, and I'm assuming it's
the driving force for the boyfriend.  He cheats when he thinks he
won't get any, or when he thinks he can get better sexual fulfillment
elsewhere, however he'll stay with the girlfriend for the assurance
that it gives him.  That is, if she is around he has a much higher
probability of having sex than if he was alone.

The other things I'm seeing them looking for are:
Sense of importance (She is dumber than me, therefore I am not dumb)
Sense of duty (The child needs a father, even if the father is flawed)
Preserving sentimentality (Think of the good times)


It's important to realize that these fulfilling these wants and
desires are not needed for survival, unlike food, water, shelter, etc.
 HOWEVER, when the mind gives these fulfillments the importance of
being necessary (for example: "If I don't have sex every night, I will
die") it is very easy for the act to change from something that is
desired to an addicted behavior.

It sounds like the two people in that relationship are very addicted
to their behaviors, and it is important for them to know that without
love, a long-term relationship will NEVER be completely fulfilling! 
That goes equally for family relationships, friendships, and
marriages.

Love is doing whatever is in the best interest of a person.

There are a lot of women who grew up with abusive parents (especially
fathers) and they stay with abusive men because that is something that
they are comfortable with. (Just like how men with abusive mothers
often go for abusive women). Very Freudian, I know...
Many women haven't been taught that they deserve better. 
There are also many people who victimize themselves. They are
comfortable with always being hurt and toyed with because they were
not taught to demand better in life. Many people also like CHOOSING to
be victims because sometimes they don't know any better, sometimes
they're not mature enough, sometimes the like having the melodrama in
their lives, and sometimes just because it makes them the center of
attention and receive lots of pity.

With people like this, you can't help them because they don't WANT to
be helped. If your female friends are told they deserve better than to
be called names or locked out or physically abused, then it's up to
them to get themselves out of that bad situation. In fact, a little
"tough love" on your behalf might help them more than coddling them.
If you pity them and ego-stroke them, you're just endorsing their bad
habits of staying with awful men- they'll always go back to their men
when they want to get abused, and then come back to you (or their
other coddling friends), feeling sorry for themselves when they want
someone to pat them on the head and tell them that they don't have to
take control of their lives and leave the jackass.

Here's a good website to send female friends to this address:
http://groups.msn.com/NARCISSISTICPERSONALITYDISORDER/ourgroup.msnw

It's a caring group of people (the web boards are the best) that talk
about why people hurt others, and the victims all talk about their bad
experiences and how they snapped out of the mindset that they should
allow someone to treat them badly.

Or this one, which will give you more answers: http://www.faqfarm.com/Q/FAQ/1880

Final note: I hope this didn't sound unkind or misogynist. I'm
actually a woman who finally wisened up and left an abusive guy, and
it hurts me to hear of other women who keep putting up with that bs.