Hi Cynthia...

I'm afraid I am still seeking answers to our previous thread about ED..

I DID join an ED Yahoo group and, although everyone is wonderful, I
still have too many unanswered questions.

Two weeks ago I got 2 Cialis pills and told him all about them. He
appeared intriqued and said he would try one this weekend...

Needless to say..he didn't... even after I explained it all to him.

Short of leaving this relationship for good ( which I do NOT want to
do as I really love the man )what could be my next course of action?

I'm ready to just disolve a pill in his coffee :(

HELP!!!!!!!!!!!

Steph53

Steph,

I'm not the least bit surprised by your man's reaction to the Cialis. 
It's all too common.  In fact, his non-response/non-action is MORE
common than the desired reaction: open communication and actively
seeking help.

The first thing you have to do is identify the problem correctly.  You
no longer have an ED problem, you have the problem of being in a
relationship with a man that won't DO anything about it.

THAT is the problem you want to address.  There are a couple different
ways to tackle this, with varying degrees of risk.  RISK (you say)?

Your insistance at wanting to know why he won't do anything could be
more than he can bear to face.  If you push him too far --he may
withdraw from the source of his discomfort: YOU.  Remember, the way he
looks at this is.. YOU have a problem with HIM.  He has accepted his
condition, it's not like a broken leg, it doesn't interfere with his
ability to move through life.

Steph, obviously you care for this man deeply.  Just as obvious to me
is the fact that you are not satisfied with the lack of sex, and
especially the confirmation that he doesn't want to change.  You are
stuck on the Merry-Go-Round of trying to change another human being. 
It won't work. In fact, the harder you try, the more he will resist.

From what I have heard, Cialis works very well. I recommended it to a
close friend and she has thanked me many times over.  It does not give
a man an erection, but enables a man to respond to sexual stimulus
whenever it occurs, --for at least 24 hours.  As a Google Researcher,
I cannot advise you to put the finely-ground-up-pill in his scrambled
eggs this coming Saturday morning  (Coffee is a bad idea, the powder
will float to the top).  There are things like correct dosage,
allergies, and drug reactions to consider...  Plus, you would
eventually HAVE to tell him, unless it fails to work.  He would likely
be angry..

What I _can_ do is give you a plan B.

Get up early this Saturday.  Serve him breakfast in bed, on 2 plates,
with coffee.  On one plate will be his breakfast, on the other will be
a carefully crafted note, with a Cialis pill taped to the bottom.  We
don't want him saying he LOST it in the bed --do we?  The note should
say something to the effect that he will either TAKE THE PILL, or
EXPLAIN HIS LACK OF ACTION. Explain very clearly that if he doesn't
take the Cialis that he will have a much bigger problem than his
sexual one.  Fianlly, tell him you have some errands to run and you
will be back in about an hour or so.  Don't stick around.

Leave him alone with his demons.  Don't prod him.  Let him stare at
the pill on the plate and struggle all by himself.  I think he will
decide to take the pill just so he doesn't have to explain why he
didn't.  Taking the pill, at that point, may be easier for him than
talking to you about the problem.  You will have to trust that he
actually took it. Considering that 81% of men report improvement, your
chances are very good it will work.

If he fails to take the Cialis, start asking questions related to his
lack of desire to have sex.  Don't give up until it causes a fight. 
You need to do something jarring, something extreme to get his
attention so he will know that simply ignoring it, and hoping you will
too, is not going to work.  The confrontation will make him very
uncomfortable and he will eventually leave.  At that point, I would
make it clear that you want him to 1) go to a Doctor, or 2)
communicate with him about this is a meaningful way. or 3) try the
Cialis.  Be honest about your own sexual needs, tell him you can deal
with the ED, but you simply cannot tolerate the "IGNORE IT AND
HOPEFULLY IT WILL GO AWAY" method of coping.  Trying to nicey-nice the
conversation will take weeks (as you know) so why not find out this
Saturady, which way it's gonna be?


Success Rate of Cialis
http://www.cialismagic.com/know_cialis.html

An Excerpt:

    * In most cases Cialis enables men to get an erection the first
time they take the drug.
    * Cialis increases the confidence of men that they will be able to
achieve an erection and have successful sexual intercourse.
    * Clinical trials by the manufacturer of Cialis showed that 75 per
cent of attempts at intercourse were successful in men taking Cialis,
compared with 32 per cent of attempts in men taking placebo. In
primary studies by the manufacturer that involved men with ED due to
various causes, 81 per cent reported that their erections were
improved after taking Cialis, though this figure depended on the
severity of the erectile dysfunction. In men with severe ED, 72 per
cent reported improved erections with Cialis.


Steph....., WHO WOULDN'T WANT TO TRY IT?  If he doesn't want to try
it, he has much bigger problems than ED.


Using Cialis to treat impotence
http://www.erectile-dysfunction-impotence.org/Erectile-Dysfunction-Treatment/Drugs.html
According to the Cialis European label, Cialis can be taken without
regard to food. It should be taken prior to sexual activity. The
efficacy of Cialis may persist up to 24 hours after the pill is taken.
The Australian label states that efficacy may continue for up to 36
hours. The manufacturer claims that current trials indicate the drug
may show a response in patients in less than 30 minutes.  The most
common side effects are headache, dyspepsia/upset stomach, and back
pain. If these symptoms occur, call your doctor.


....If you don't like this idea, let me know and I'll come up with a
plan C.  Good luck, and keep me posted.  If you need some help with a
note for the 2nd plate, let me know.


~~Cynthia

Thank you, Cynthia...

Your kindness and compassion shone through in your answer. I just wish
I could pay you more. You certainly deserve it. I've printed out the
Cialis site for him and I plan to tape the pill to it. Yes, I'm going
to follow your advice  but Friday night instead of Saturday morning.
But I do need a little help with how to pen the note. I will post
another question for you later this evening. Thanks again!!

Steph53

You can lead a horse to water, but you can?t make him drink. 
  
You can show people the way to do things, but you can?t force them to act.

Hi Steph,

Thanks for asking for me!  I just want to let you know I see your
question, and I'm going to ponder on it tonight and in the morning.  I
have an idea, but want to see if anything else comes to me before
posting an Answer.

~~Cynthia

Thanks Cynthia...

Take all the time you need. No rush on my part.

If you need any other information, please do not hesitate to ask me.

Muchly appreciated,

Steph53

Steph,

No comment on my part here Ma'am. Just hoping to redirect you for the
momemt to Q#458847, and elsewhere if you would be so kind for a safe
cracking time.

Phil

Wow, Thanks SO MUCH Steph!  I appreciate the 5 stars, the kind words,
and the Generous tip!  I'll be thinking about the note and looking for
your Question...

~~Cynthia

Dear Steph53,

How is the relationship going?

Dear Mariam...

Thanks for asking but its not..

He has still refused to recognize that there is a problem.
He has not tried to take a Cialis pill although he said he would.
At this point, I'm seriously thinking of ending this "relationship".
In fact, I sent him an e-mail last night saying that if he continues
to avoid the subject, I would be walking away. No answer from him yet
:(

How are you doing? I'd like to hear from you.

Thanks for the contact here,

Steph53

Hi Steph,
   First of all, I appreciate that you are trying your best to
overcome a situation rather than avoiding it unlike your male partner.
   Secondly, This may be a two prong issue, him not being able to
address his ED psycologically and him not taking interest in you
psycologically and sexually.
Without enough history and information, following is the best I can
think of at this stage
A) Ask him if what he thinks about you in the matter of attraction
(see his reaction, if he ignores or babbles you know what to make of
it, you can then either try to seduce him or see if your comments of
seeking satisfaction else where makes him mad and jealous)
B) Ask him what is important to him 1)his lack of sexual gratification
for himself and you 2)being a lonely man without you and not being
able to see anyone else due to this problem 3)or addressing this issue
specially when cheap, affordable and result orientated help is
available.
C) If he is above mid forties, find out if he has any financial issues
to deal with at this stage that he hasnt confided in you.
D) Find out if he is friends with the gentleman who goes to the strip
clubs to be a saviour, if he is then it would be a good idea to
anonymously get a psycological profile from one of his friends without
giving them much away. They may not tell you the truth, but you seem
smart enough to put the missing links together. This would give you an
overall image on him with ppl and would help understand the rootcause
of the problem.
E) I hate to say but he might be developing or developed into a
passive gay (no pun intended)If he uses a computer other than yours
then check the hard disk for images or files that can give you clues
in his psyche. You can also download the following demo on his machine
(if he has and you can)
http://www.bitmart.net/download.shtml
and look for erased files and images (Though this would be privacy
invasion but the motive and result are far more important than his
privacy at this stage, you can also choose not to pursue this if not
comfortable)
F) Another trick you can pull out from the bag is to see if role
playing would excite him enough to pursue ED treatment.
G) If nothing works then write him another letter stating that you are
going to pursue a sexual relationship with someone that actually cares
about how you feel as well, as he doesnt seem to care anything for
your desires and shows how much for granted he is taking you, its not
that he has everest to climb to get rid of his problems, and see how
he reacts.
H) All of this is geared towards YOUR participation in getting this
relationship going, obviously there is an easier way out of leaving
him and moving on, but i have known as yet that you are very very soft
and caring to do that, but you may eventually have to go dowm this
route if you have tried everything and him being insensitive.
Apologies if you didnt like anything that I have written, and best of
luck. If I had a choice, I would opt to worship such a nice individual
like yourself who cares so much for a person who is not even bothered.
(imagine how amazing the relationship would be if someone responded to
you as you do to them)

Pureanalysis...

Thanks for your post. I will answer all your questions and if you have
any further insight, it would be muchly appreciated.

A) Ask him if what he thinks about you in the matter of attraction
(see his reaction, if he ignores or babbles you know what to make of
it, you can then either try to seduce him or see if your comments of
seeking satisfaction else where makes him mad and jealous)

No problem with the "attraction" part. Although he has ED and
intercourse is all but impossible, he does manage VERY nicely to
please me and I him... we are VERY much attracted to each other.

B) Ask him what is important to him 1)his lack of sexual gratification
for himself and you 2)being a lonely man without you and not being
able to see anyone else due to this problem 3)or addressing this issue
specially when cheap, affordable and result orientated help is
available.

He won't talk much about it...the few times we have openly discussed
things and just when I felt we were getting somewhere, he just "clams"
up again :(

C) If he is above mid forties, find out if he has any financial issues
to deal with at this stage that he hasnt confided in you.

He is 51 yrs old and has NO financial problems. Works in a
professional field and would have no problems paying for doctors or
Rx's.


D) Find out if he is friends with the gentleman who goes to the strip
clubs to be a saviour, if he is then it would be a good idea to
anonymously get a psycological profile from one of his friends without
giving them much away. They may not tell you the truth, but you seem
smart enough to put the missing links together. This would give you an
overall image on him with ppl and would help understand the rootcause
of the problem.

Not sure on this one. ...

E) I hate to say but he might be developing or developed into a
passive gay (no pun intended)If he uses a computer other than yours
then check the hard disk for images or files that can give you clues
in his psyche. You can also download the following demo on his machine
(if he has and you can)
http://www.bitmart.net/download.shtml
and look for erased files and images (Though this would be privacy
invasion but the motive and result are far more important than his
privacy at this stage, you can also choose not to pursue this if not
comfortable)

I could never do that. We don't live together and when I am at his
place, he is always there. Besides, it is against my beliefs to
"snoop". However, I'm not totally discrediting your question...

F) Another trick you can pull out from the bag is to see if role
playing would excite him enough to pursue ED treatment.

What kind of role-playing?? I'm also unsure of this question..

G) If nothing works then write him another letter stating that you are
going to pursue a sexual relationship with someone that actually cares
about how you feel as well, as he doesnt seem to care anything for
your desires and shows how much for granted he is taking you, its not
that he has everest to climb to get rid of his problems, and see how
he reacts.

I did send him an e-mail comparable to that last week. Just not quite
so severe. Just told him I was fed up with his "sticking his head in
the sand" routine. No response.

H) All of this is geared towards YOUR participation in getting this
relationship going, obviously there is an easier way out of leaving
him and moving on, but i have known as yet that you are very very soft
and caring to do that, but you may eventually have to go dowm this
route if you have tried everything and him being insensitive.

He is not insenstive. In fact, I think and feel that this "problem"
weighs on his mind every day.. he has just refused to face it head (
pardon the pun ) on.

Apologies if you didnt like anything that I have written, and best of
luck. If I had a choice, I would opt to worship such a nice individual
like yourself who cares so much for a person who is not even bothered.
(imagine how amazing the relationship would be if someone responded to
you as you do to them)

No apologies necessary. I think he is VERY bothered but just does not
know how to deal with it yet. And yes, I care very, very much about
this man. That is why I have stayed and that is why I keep seeking
answers from the wonderful, sensitive and  caring people on this site.

Again, thanks for your response.

Steph53

Steph,

This thread is heartbreaking...  

My biggest fear when I left my husband was that after I left, he would
get help and fix the problem, --that my leaving him would jar him into
some kind of action and then I would miss out, and another woman would
benefit.

That fear is totally gone.  It was three years ago yesterday that I
left, and he has done nothing.  I brought Mariam's thread to his
attention and he got angry.

The only way I can remain separated from him is if we are separated by
a long distance.  He is in Minnesota, I'm in Seattle.  We are so drawn
to each other that if we are in the same city, we maintain contact and
any association leads to more contact, etc.  A few months ago (August
2004) I asked him to come to Seattle for a visit.  He had hinted
around that the problem was better, with no medical intervention. 
Nothing had changed, at all.  In a recent email I brought up the lack
of satisfying sex and received this [excerpt] reply:

         ..."as for the limp dick thing i got news for ya there are hundreds of   
         thousands of men that are going thru the same thing it's called e.d..."

No S**T Sherlock.  Are you just now figuring that out?

I'm sure there are men who have tackled this problem successfully.
Unfortunately there are none coming forward to tell us how to
encourage our men to seek treatment.

I'm just as befuddled, lost, and sad as you are Steph (and Miriam),
perhaps you can gain some small measure of comfort from knowing that. 
If I get any information, I'll be sure to post it here.  Please keep
me posted, I care.

~~Cynthia

Hi Cynthia...

Thanks once again for sharing a bit more about your own heartbreaking
decision regarding your marriage.

Your ex-husband's e-mail response to you about the "limp dick thing"
is no surprise to me...nothing much is to me these days.....

My man just shrugs it all off too. Like its no big deal at all..yeah
right!!! Grrrr....

I sent him this e-mail last Thursday night. And you know what? He made
no mention of it last weekend until I actually brought it up. How can
a man be so dense?
Here is a portion of it...

 
"I'm sorry for all this , but after much self-soul searching...
 
I have come to realize that I could be hurt so much more  from
continuing this relationship....
 
And I cannot handle any more hurt...
 
Until such a time that you can actually  open up to me and are willing
to really "talk" to me about the *problem*, I will  just "go away
"....
 
I have given up as far as a normal "sex life" with you  is concerned...
 
After reviewing this whole thing, the bottom line is that I WANT and
NEED you  physically...
 
And since you have not responded to my measly 2 Cialis pills AND to
any wants and needs that I may have ...my conclusion rests...
 
I cannot continue this relationship without my own needs being at
least ackowledged by you...
And seeing that you remain in your denial of this whole thing is killing me..
 
Sorry....as you have never genuinely "talked" about it with me..."

How very sad for those of us that love and want their men so badly :(

Thanks again, Cynthia for taking time out in your busy day to respond
to these posts. I only wish that we lived close enough to meet for
lunch or coffee. We could vent, rant and rave to our heart's content
:)

Steph53

I dont know about you, but I personally have my own way of dealing
with stress. Check out this site:

<a href="http://www.edesires.net">Adult Live Webcams</a>

Get yourself a bottle of beer and have a good time.

Ladies...I feel for you.  As a man that went thru the scare of having
ED let me tell you it's very scary!  Its not so much as
embarrassing...rather it's tough to deal with the fact that you are
dissatisfying someone you love. After two months of weak erections (we
had sex almost daily only not muliple times and erections weren't as
hard as they were a few months back)which was plenty of time to 'see
if it goes away' i saw a physician who said i'm probably fine..so i
insisted on seeing a urolgoist.only to find out my testosterone level
is way low and now i'm in process of finding out the cause and what I
need to do. Fortunately the urologist said there's no sign of
impotence or any reason to fear. My point is this...a man with ED
isn't less of a man cuz of his 'limp dick'...he's less of a man for
not addressing it.

Amen.

So are there any updates from steph53?  or cynthia?  Go ahead and use
me to bounce any questions you may have regarding a male's
perspective...though you may already have a ton of resources.

Wow!!!

What a surprize to see more comments on this thread after all this time.

Thedon1....

Thanks for your input. Shortly before I started this post, I joined a
wonderful online ED support group that Cynthia had mentioned in a
previous post. The members there are both male and female and they
have shared a wealth of information as well as personal heartaches and
triumphs.

As to any current updates, I'd love to say the issue has miraculously
solved itself. But the harsh reality is that, although we are now able
to discuss it more freely, he has yet to go to a doctor. He promised
me 2 weeks ago, for the tenth time that he'd make an appointment, but
so far no further mention of it....

I guess I'm just a " bear for punishment" :-(

Thanks again, thedon1, and feel free to add anything you feel could help.

Cynthia...

How are you doing? I hope all is well in your world :-)

Steph53

Cynthia, Steph, ...this is going to sound weird after all this time
but I think this might be of help.

I stumbled on a solution that might very well work for you, as
counterintuitive as you might think it is at first.

ED burdened me for 15 to 20 years. I lost my second wife, a woman I
loved, because of it.

What I stumbled on was this ? I found a FEMALE urologist. She, the
fact that she was a female, made all the difference in the world.  The
reason I kept putting off seeing a doctor was because I knew or
thought I knew that all urologists were male. And I knew in my heart
that no matter how polite and helpful they would be on the surface,
underneath they would be laughing at me. I knew that because I was
deriding myself, castigating myself, for not being able to have an
erection at the right time for the right length of time. My
self-loathing was so intense I doubt that a woman can really
understand it.

But that?s also part of the solution. Women first of all are nurturers
by nature (that is why they make good doctors). And I knew that a
woman could not really understand how much I loathed myself for having
a limp penis when it should have been hard. No matter how empathetic,
not matter how experienced. So a woman would not and in fact could not
criticize me as deeply as I knew any man would (no matter how much he
pretended otherwise). I know that sounds weird, but take it from me it
was true.

The other reason, probably more important, is that I had already
discussed and experienced my problem with a woman (in fact several,
since I had had girlfriends before my wife). Women are amazingly
sympathetic to this problem. I don?t think any of them were anything
but sad for me, for us. Occasionally quite frustrated but never really
condemnatory. All of them knew I would love to have a hard, impressive
erection and screw them silly. So it was not difficult to discuss the
matter with a woman, in detail. And the trail in my case led to an
endocrinologist, an ultrasound tech, a psychologist and back to the
urologist  -- and ALL of them were women. I made sure of that. It even
became a bit of fun having women poke and examine me?sort of nice
being ?felt up? where I didn?t have to respond, in fact shouldn?t
respond.

So what I suggest is this ? female urologists exist. Not common, but
they exist.  Find him one. That is the place to start. And try to make
sure he sees only female doctors, NPs, technicians, etc. They are
never going to be as judgmental as he fears. And they will be
genuinely sympathetic. And once he gets going with them, it will
actually be fun.

I know this sounds odd, but it worked for me and I bet it will for
your guy, too. And think not just of the great sex and relationship
solving this problem will bring you, think too of the great karma you
will be building in the process.

allanc,

Thanks for taking the time to tell your story. As you can imagine,
this never occured to me! I hope Steph comes back to see this, as well
as mariamvh-ga from a previous question I answered about ED.

It might be helpful allan, if you copied and pasted your comment in
this thread as well. It's coming on a year, but mariamvh will get an
email telling her a new comment has been made. The question closes for
comments at the one-year mark: Dec 4...

Subject: Erection problems 
http://answers.google.com/answers/threadview?id=438210

OK, Cynthia, I did so. I guess this is a more common problem than even
I suspected (though I can tell you my urologist would say
otherwise...she claims at the relatively young age of 38 or 39 to have
a LOT of experience dealing with it..and she is still my urologist & I
see her yearly by the way). From reading over your posts I don't know
if my experience can be of any value to you personally, but I hope so.
By the way, in my case the problem turned out to be oddly complicated
(decreased testosterone due a thyroid problem and a small varicocele
plus years of self loathing behavior as a result -- thus the need for
the woman psychologist/therapist) but with ultimately straightforward
solutions (pills, a small operation and lots of talk).

Good luck and I liked your research on the subject...I checked out a
lot of it and it rang true to most of my experience...but the key was
finding WOMEN to help me deal with the problem.

Cynthia and Allan...

I just stumbled back to this question after almost a year...

Update:

WE have split up....
He told me he was never really happy to be with me in the past 4 months
I guess I was just another woe to him as far as sex was concerned :(

Whatever, I will survive...

Thanks to all,

Steph53