My ex-girlfriend and I have been living together for the past 6 years
since we went out 6.5 years ago.  We rarely get into big fights.  And
if we did, she didn't hold a grudge and was quite forgiving.  She did
most of the chores, and I paid most of the bills and grocery shopping.
 When we talked, she talks about herself 80% of the time, and it just
seems like most of the time she was talking to herself.  Like most
woman at her age, 30, she would like to get marry and have kids.  And
she expressed that to me openly and regularly.  The problem was I
don't hate her, but, nor 'love' her.  In my previous 2 long-term
relationships(2-4 yrs), I felt the love for them and I said the L word
quite frequently.  But I never said, with meaning, to her.  I finally
broke up with her after 2yrs of contemplating.  I felt I was forcing
myself to stay with someone I don't truely love(we did have great
sex).  I don't want to go back with her out of pity or obligation. 
And I can picture in the long-run, after we got married and had kids,
I will really have to force myself to stay or get a divorce. 
Currently, I moved out for 2wks and she is staying at our place which
I am still paying rent.  I want to love her, but my heart's instinct
is indifferent abut her.  Should I force myself to try and make up and
make it work, or follow my heart's desires and mind's logic and allow
her feelings toward to died?  We haven't talk since I moved out.  And
we didn't really communicated the past 6 months.

---

Clarification of Question by tc2903-ga on 23 Jan 2005 22:04 PST

I recently read the 8/04 issue of reader's digest.  There was an
article in there titled 'The science of a happy marriage' by Michael
Gurian.  It talks about the 5 stages of a relationship from courtship
to a happy marriage.  It resonanted with me that I might be in the 4th
stage titled awakening.  My thinking brain did override my emotional
responses that could cause conflict and sadness from breaking up.  But
the problem is, I never really said 'I love you' to her since we went
out; I used those words frequently with my other two long-term
relationships.  She is a nice girl, that's why I don't hate her.  I
guessed I don't love her is because of a combination of things I don't
think I can withstand in the long-run about her.  Such as talking
about herself in most conversations(with me or others), spending on
unnecessary stuffs when her income is low(that's why I don't like to
buy her things; no pampering with material items), her verbal request
for approvals, apologies, and appreciation from me(treating me like I
don't know how to give it when I don't feel she deserves it), her
neediness from others for approval, sympathy, and recognition(we-me,
her sister & friends-see that she is a needy person in not a positive
way), etc.  Those are the major negatives which led me to break-up
with her.  On the other hand, she cooks, cleans, do chores, is neat,
have a good temper, is understanding most of the time, lets me do what
I got to do, is loyal, and is calming.  I want to make up and love her
but the negatives are just so strong to me that I want her to find
someone who can treat her better.  I know this is Google answers and
not discussions, but it'll be GREATLY appreciated if any experts want
to add their input.  I don't know what else do I need to provide to
get an answer that I can say, 'WOW, THANK YOU!'

Never try to *force* feelings of love. It will never work.
Be true to yourself and your beliefs.

Move on and have enough respect for your girlfriend to allow her to
move on too. She deserves someone who truly loves her.

Steph53 ( not a researcher )

*Wanting* to Love someone is NOT ENOUGH.  Do NOT go back.  You did the
right thing by leaving.

~~Cynthia


Hi Steph, I'm Answering your question this morning, standby.

If this woman wants to marry and have children, she will be better off
finding someone who is deeply in love with her. You are not that
someone. Unless you are that rare person who can "just be friends"
with a former lover, you'll be doing her a favor by severing the
relationship.

Pink, I eompletely agree.

tc - please re-read your question.  I believe you have answered it yourself.

Good luck, whatever you choose.  But ... don't try to fake love ....

Let me join the choir. It is wrong not only for you, but also for her,
that you'll get back to her. She should find someone who'd love her,
and you should find someone whom you'd love.

I like to call this "settling" and DONT DO IT.  I personally have
almost settled twice, and looking back, I made the right decision. 
There are many obstacles which make true feelings blurry or making the
right thing to do very difficult.  For instance, the house is very
possibly a reason not to leave, but your feelings say otherwise.  And
when you portray actions of love and affection a lot of times your
heart will be untrue, or get confused with all that chemical balancing
mumbo-jumbo in your brain.  It may feel like the right thing to stay
with someone after having a long relationship, but it's not always the
right answer.

To sum it up, be true to yourself even if that means being selfish. 
Swallow your pride and do the right thing, no not that, the real right
thing, for the both of you.
Good Luck.

THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR COMMENTS!!!!!!!!!  With your help and
marriagebuilders.com's valuable 411s, I am quite comfortable to say
that good enough is not good enough.

You need to move on, and let go of this relationship.

What's more, you need to rebuild your own self-esteem and get yourself
ready for the next person to enter your life.

I have written a book called 'Plenty More Fish' which explains just
how you do that. If you go to www.plentymorefish.info and write me an
email, I'll send you a free copy by return.

Good luck!



Ian