I was dating this girl. Not officially a couple, but dating and
definately headed in that direction. Things were perfect. We both knew
we had a good thing going and talked about making things official.
Then comes the rub and it is this: we had met when she was dating a
guy a knew from high school, but then he moved to Boston for college.
Real jerk that I can't believe used to be a friend. He was great
around guys but he was a very bad boyfriend to both her and the girls
he was with in high school. If you've seen The Amazing Race in CBS
he's like that blue haired guy that is always telling his wife how
worthless she is. She has been around abusive men all her life
(including father and step father) so I guess she put up with it.
Anyways, since I was no longer that close to the guy and since she had
not been with him for a while we kind of hooked up without telling
him. When he found out he blew a gasket and guilt tripped her. She
told me how she felt about me but that it could never be more than a
friendship because she didn't want to hurt her ex. I said some things
I shouldn't have and walked away figuring that would be it. Had a few
small things here and there, but kept single for the most part. A few
months ago she calls me out of the blue and we arrange to meet up. We
started hanging out again and I kind of felt the old feeling coming
back. However she is seeing this new guy now. The most boring man in
the world, but at least he seems like a nice, senistive guy. All
morality, guy code, Dr. Phil, common sense, etc. tell me to just keep
being her friend and forget about anything more, but I can't. I
haven't met anyone like her since and there's just too much "what if"
for me to just walk away. The funny thing is all my guy friends tell
me to just walk away while the girls I know tell me to go for it; the
opposite of what I would expect. The feedback I get from the girls is
that they think this guy is just totally wrong for her and that we
seems happier around each other. They say that her body language
around me is more comfortable than around her boyfriend. I guess I
really want to believe them, but I know my tendency to agree with them
is heavily biased.

I have spent my whole life being the good soldier. I've walked away
from girls I loved more, but for some reason I don't want to this
time. I don't know if I'm just tired of giving up or if somehow this
girl is different. What should I do? I don't want to be the bad guy. I
don't want to screw with their relationship in any way, but at the
same time I know that if I maintain our friendship there will always
be an unconcious part of me that will try. One time I bumped into them
in public and I was telling a joke and put my arm around her without
realizing I did. He looked very upset and I hope I didn't trigger any
conflict between them. I know that if I continue my friendship with
her, things like this will continue to occur. As much as I want her to
leave him I don't want to be the cause of it.

I guess I should just end my rambling and come out and ask: What is
the best course of action? It looks like I could either just get out
of her life, make some sort of attempt to win her over, or just
maintain the status quo and see what happens. Walking away is easy;
it'll hurt at first but as I know all too well you will eventually get
over it. It's the other two that are hard. Any thoughts on what a good
way to maintain a friendship in this situation would be and what role
my attraction should play in that friendship (whether it should be
unspoken or I should try to gently nudge her away from her boyfriend
towards me)?

---

Clarification of Question by chance0110-ga on 08 Feb 2005 17:56 PST

A lot of the comments seem to misunderstand one fact: she did not get
back with her ex. God knows he's tried but the guy she is with now is
not her ex. The guy now if a decent, if somewhat boring, guy.

Have you lost your mind?  This woman dumped you because it hurt her ex
boyfriend's feelings.  And, oh by the way, how did the ex find out
about you?  Could it be that this woman was trying to get back
together with him by making him jealous?

Move on dude!  She is a sick puppy.

Now that, that's out of the way.  If you really, really want her.
Wait. There are some things in life that you can do nothing about. 
One of those things is Love.  If it is to be -- then it will be.  Stay
close and keep your eyes open.

Rent the movie Serendipity.

Feint heart never won fair lady. If you want her go for it. She could
have gone back to her old boyfriend out of fear. Many women, who have
been constantly abused, genuinely believe it is their own fault. In
either case, once you know which way the mot flops, you can get on
with your life. Purgatory doesn?t help anyone least of all you.

Whoa! I feel like Neo after taking the red pill. I never thought about
it before like that. I doubt she was trying to get back with her ex
seeing that see dumped him and he would gladly crawl back to her if
she let him, but man you're right. All this time I was thinking that
she was just being a nice person by considering his emotions, but I
didn't realize that it also means she got issues or he's still got
some sort of control over her. Until she deals with that and can place
me ahead of her ex's guilt trip I'd be better off just keeping a
distance. Thanks for pointing that out, I'm a freakin' sociology/human
relationships major and I was blinded to that.

Problem is that she still wants to be friends and I don't know if
that's something worth pursuing. It's great when it is just me and
her, but watching her and him, to put it plainly, hurts.

Perhaps Serendipity will yield the answers.

Hi Chance...

In reading your question and comment, I really feel for you :(

I don't have any great solution for you. For some people, staying
"friends" works. However, for others, giving distance to a
relationship is a better healer.

If this girl really has no desire to continue a romantic relationship
with you, the best advice I could give you is to move on....
If you hang on, it would just cause further pain for you.

Steph53

She is jerking your chain.

Maybe so, you need to know. It?s no good being like the guy in the
Bruce Springsteen song spending your life ?wishing you were blind?.
Tell her how you feel, confront the issues if there are any. Find out
one way or the other and deal with that. Have you thought how you
would react if you decide to move on and then she suddenly wants what
is now unavailable. Maybe you should introduce some competition and
keep an eye on the situation from the gallery.

Best of luck

cf

<quote>Maybe you should introduce some competition and
keep an eye on the situation from the gallery.
</quote>

What an excellent idea - two can play at that game.

@Chance 
- when you have worked out what is going on, then you will not mind
much, you might even find it slightly amusing.
When I was in a slightly similar situation in my callow youth, at
first I was very confused, but once I understood it, and had given it
a 'name' I found it rather funny.
I still chuckle when I think how xxxxxx used me as a 'yyyyyyy control agent'.

I agree that she probably has issues, and she might not really be
interested in you.  I can't really know.  However, if there is no
ring, she is fair game.  Guys don't get to put her on "hold" just for
dating.  Now if she was engaged or married, that's totally
different...but dating ?  I thought dating was to see how you get
along.  If you keep passing on every woman some other guy is showing
interest in, you'll end up missing some interesting women.  What if
she would like you better than the other guy ?  I think you should
find out.

This woman has more issues than Life Magazine.

She left her current boyfriend (YOU), because it hurt her
ex-boyfriends feelings?  That's ludicrious.  Does not compute.  The
truth is, you never got the real reason she left you.  I'll tell you
why.  Ponder this fact:

Now, she is with a nice boring guy.  He seems to be on edge about YOU (her EX).  

Do you see the pattern she is repeating?  She is unconsciously
manipulating and repeating situations where the ex wants her back, and
the boyfriend is kept insecure.  She is repeating that.  I bet she had
an ex before the first one (the abuser), that she taunted HIM with.

Get off her Merry-Go-Round, and leave the Amusement Park.

~~Cynthia

Hello,
Well after hearing your story I have one thing to say... Give it time.
If you two are ment to be then you two will be together. You can go
out and date infact dating someone else may make your friend realize
that she has feelings. Maybe your friend seen a spark in the boring
guy and she finds him appealing based on features he has.

Thanks again to everyone that has commented. To give you guys an
update we are still technically just friends, but I have not made much
effort to see her lately. Maybe fate will step in later, maybe not. As
hard as it is I just have to wait and keep my eyes open so I don't let
someone better slip by.

hi cance ....
i m not a friend ,nor philosopher and nor a guide.....
i just hav the capability to get u what u desire....it is just chance
if u r so much worried about her ,about ur relationship......then
buddy its got to be love
to get her to keep her happy plz dont see what she wants....see what u
can get her more than her ex.u hav to do nothing but propose her
first....i know she will reject  and try to cut off with but u hav to
convince her that u both can now also be frnds and then u hav to start
ur original work...that is keep making her realize that how much do u
care for ....make her ex. fight with then calm her as a frnd and make
her realize how much do u care.......when she starts caring .....turn
point leave her like a single fish alone in water ...run away from her
or may be make her jealous by making a new girlfrnd and speak good of
her infront of her...this will make her jealous and realize ur
value........mind me buddy she is all urs...only urs.
plz reply as fast as u can......take care

Remember - "People want what they can't have" - you are too available
to her. Always were.

Go to www.lovetactics.com and read every article.

The same thing is happening to me. I'm confused, too. I feel I should
go for her and my friends say they will help. I advise that you go for
her little by little until a strong relationship has formed. That's
what I'm doing. That's the best I got.