Masterbation in Marriage
Category: Relationships and Society > Relationships
Asked by: ssgsassy-ga
List Price: $25.00
11 Feb 2005 17:31 PST
Expires: 12 Feb 2005 13:01 PST
Question ID: 473153
My husband and I have been married a short time. We have two children and two incredibly busy lives. We are often too tired or never alone to have sex more than a few times a month. (Our children are 5 months and 2 years old, so one or the other is constantly needing attention. We are also both students and both working and we care for our children ourselves-- no daycare, schools, etc. We really have little time for intimacy.) My husband has always been a very sexy and passionate man. I have known since our dating period that he masterbates. He usually needs a "visual" to help him in the form of Stuff Magazine, Bikini models pics, etc. He uses both magazines and the Internet as his sources. I asked him to stop using the Internet for his activities because I do not like the problems these sites cause our computer. I even offered to pay for a subscription to Penthouse if he promised to leave the computer alone. He has ordered his subcription and although it has yet to arrive, he used the computer again today to browse bikini shots. I have some concerns. My first is that I am worried at what point is our marriage going to suffer from his activities? I am trying to remain open minded but at the same time his activities can sometimes really hit my self esteem hard. Although I know our lives leave little time for intimacy, I can't help but feel inadequate when I look at the perfect women he is using for his visuals. (I'm a pretty attractive and intelligent woman-- and with some work I am close to having my pre-baby body back). I wonder where the line between "normal" behavior and disatisfaction with your spouse is drawn. And how often is too often? He has gone through periods where he has done it several times a week (sometimes as much as every opportunity that I am not home & the children are sleeping) and he has periods (typically after I voice concerns about frequency) where a week or two goes by & he does nothing. I really want to understand my husbands behavior and I want to be realistic about it. I've seen the statistic that 98% of men masterbate. If this is a fact of life, I really want to understand it and be comfortable with it. However I'd like to do so without feeling so badly about myself, without worrying about my marriage, without worring about my husband turning into some sex-crazed sicko and without my computer crashing. I have had several lengthy converstaions with my husband about it. We both agree that our lifestyle really limits our sex life. And we both agree that masterbation is probably a little healthy sometimes-- I probably do it about once a month myself (and it is certainly better than straying from our marriage). Can someone give me some thoughts on my husband's masterbation situation? How can I maintain an open-mind, a healthy husband, a healthy self-esteem and a healthy marriage? Thank you for any insight you can give me!
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Re: Masterbation in Marriage
From: rogerw-ga on 11 Feb 2005 19:50 PST
Darling, I love you. I'm sorry I infected your computer with all sorts of viruses, spyware, trojan horses, and other nasty computer headaches. The porn websites that don't install that crud cost money, and our budget being what it is, I didn't want to spend our hard-earned money on porn. The computer guys at work say that if we were to use the web browser called Firefox (http://www.firefox.com) instead of Microsoft Internet Explorer, we'd stop getting all those nasty pop-up windows that contain all those ads. We can use programs such as Spybot Search & Destroy (http://security.kolla.de/) and LavaSoft Ad-Aware (http://www.lavasoftusa.com/software/adaware/) to clean your computer's system and innoculate it against further infections. If you think that's beyond our computer skills, I'm sure we have a computer-savvy friend somewhere who can do it for us. We might offer to cook him or her dinner in return. But, now for the important issues: Darling, it's not your fault that I masturbate, although I'm sorry that my masturbatory practices make you feel as if you are not enough wife for me. Rest assured, you are. Forgive me for even suggesting this, but, were I married to one of those girls on the Internet, I'd still masturbate when I thought no one was looking. Please understand that when I pleasure myself, never does it enter my mind that I wish to be married to anyone other than you. The women in those pictures are just objects of convenience, because the sexual center of my (and all men's) brain is stimulated most by vision. When I tell you that they don't mean anything to me, I really mean that! After a few (pleasurable) involuntary muscle contractions, I close the book on them, or click the window away. I don't masturbate because I'm unhappy. I do it because it's a quick little waste of time. And that's the thing... I do this when you aren't around. You may feel that I blame you for being busy or tired, but I don't. We both have busy schedules, and it's just a fact of life that we are apart for long periods of time. I don't expect you to be at my beck and call to service my every whim; our marriage is about so much more than just sex (although I must admit that it sure is a nice part about our marriage, and it did give us our child). Would you mind if I called you at work, or while you're out with friends to ask, "Honey, can you come home right away? My pants tugged at me in a certain way, and now I'm aroused and I'd really love to ravish you right now." Tell me if you'd like that, and I promise you, I'll wait around for the 20-30 minutes it would take you to get home. Do you feel sometimes that you're the initiator of sex? When you tell me that work tired you out, that you're glad you're home so that you can relax... well, I just don't feel that sex is your idea of relaxation. I honor you and respect you. You're the most important thing in my life, and I want to be considerate of your feelings too. Is it okay for me to want to make love to you even if you're tired? I don't want you to say "yes" just because you think it's what I want you to say. I'd want you to want to make love to me too. How can I be more of a husband to you more often? Are there things I can say or do that might put that certain tingle into your spine? I'm really bad at reading body language, even though I'm trying to get better. Can you show me, without being angry or frustrated with me, the kinds of things you'd want me to do? All this time, you've felt insecure about the fact that I masturbate, when the reality is that I've masturbated because *I'm* insecure. If I felt more secure that I could convince you to have sex with me without fearing your rejection, I would masturbate less, so that I could "save up" for our little pow-wows. I adore you, my treasured love. Don't think for a second that I could actually prefer an airbrushed magazine or website image to the warmth, softness, and tenderness of your embrace. Never, ever, ever. signed, Your loving husband
Re: Masterbation in Marriage
From: angy-ga on 11 Feb 2005 20:38 PST
Here's my thought. With you he has a relationship - and on-going committment that is to you as an entire person, and much more than just sex. He doesn't want to betray that. But he wants more sex. If he gets off with the lady next door, or even uses a brothel, he possibly feels he would be betraying your relationship as a whole, as well as involving another person - and in the case of a brothel probably blowing your budget as well. Masturbating while looking at a photograph seems to be an emotion-free alternative. To what extent the models in the photographs are exploited by the porn. industry is, of course, another question.
Re: Masterbation in Marriage
From: anotherbrian-ga on 12 Feb 2005 05:47 PST
First off, 98% of men do masturbate, 2% lie about it. I expect the same goes for women. In general it is not a problem in marriage or any relationship. Sex, alone or with another person are two entirely different actions with different reasons for prosuing each. Masturbation is by defination a selfish activity, but that is not at all bad thing. Sometimes a man or woman wants to be in compleate control, do it their own way. This is something they might not get to do with a partner. I suspect his masturbation, especly to images of other women, might make you feel like he doesn't want you anymore. This is not true, as long as you two still have a sex life together. The bottem line is that this is fine and normal and nothing to be concerened about unless he continusouly rejicts you in favore of masturbation. Also for you computer, I would suggest Firefox, Spybot Search & Destroy, and LavaSoft Ad-Aware just like in the first comment. You can find really good adult sites through http://www.janesguide.com/frames.html They do reviews of free and pay sites and will cut out the scams.
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