My husband and I have been married a short time. We have two children
and two incredibly busy lives. We are often too tired or never alone
to have sex more than a few times a month. (Our children are 5 months
and 2 years old, so one or the other is constantly needing attention.
We are also both students and both working and we care for our
children ourselves-- no daycare, schools, etc. We really have little
time for intimacy.)

My husband has always been a very sexy and passionate man. I have
known since our dating period that he masterbates. He usually needs a
"visual" to help him in the form of Stuff Magazine, Bikini models
pics, etc. He uses both magazines and the Internet as his sources. I
asked him to stop using the Internet for his activities because I do
not like the problems these sites cause our computer. I even offered
to pay for a subscription to Penthouse if he promised to leave the
computer alone. He has ordered his subcription and although it has yet
to arrive, he used the computer again today to browse bikini shots.

I have some concerns. My first is that I am worried at what point is
our marriage going to suffer from his activities? I am trying to
remain open minded but at the same time his activities can sometimes
really hit my self esteem hard. Although I know our lives leave little
time for intimacy, I can't help but feel inadequate when I look at the
perfect women he is using for his visuals. (I'm a pretty attractive
and intelligent woman-- and with some work I am close to having my
pre-baby body back). I wonder where the line between "normal" behavior
and disatisfaction with your spouse is drawn.

And how often is too often? He has gone through periods where he has
done it several times a week (sometimes as much as every opportunity
that I am not home & the children are sleeping) and he has periods
(typically after I voice concerns about frequency) where a week or two
goes by & he does nothing.

I really want to understand my husbands behavior and I want to be
realistic about it. I've seen the statistic that 98% of men
masterbate. If this is a fact of life, I really want to understand it
and be comfortable with it. However I'd like to do so without feeling
so badly about myself, without worrying about my marriage, without
worring about my husband turning into some sex-crazed sicko and
without my computer crashing.

I have had several lengthy converstaions with my husband about it. We
both agree that our lifestyle really limits our sex life. And we both
agree that masterbation is probably a little healthy sometimes-- I
probably do it about once a month myself (and it is certainly better
than straying from our marriage).

Can someone give me some thoughts on my husband's masterbation
situation? How can I maintain an open-mind, a healthy husband, a
healthy self-esteem and a healthy marriage?

Thank you for any insight you can give me!

Darling, 

I love you. I'm sorry I infected your computer with all sorts of
viruses, spyware, trojan horses, and other nasty computer headaches.
The porn websites that don't install that crud cost money, and our
budget being what it is, I didn't want to spend our hard-earned money
on porn.

The computer guys at work say that if we were to use the web browser
called Firefox (http://www.firefox.com) instead of Microsoft Internet
Explorer, we'd stop getting all those nasty pop-up windows that
contain all those ads. We can use programs such as Spybot Search &
Destroy (http://security.kolla.de/) and LavaSoft Ad-Aware
(http://www.lavasoftusa.com/software/adaware/) to clean your
computer's system  and innoculate it against further infections. If
you think that's beyond our computer skills, I'm sure we have a
computer-savvy friend somewhere who can do it for us. We might offer
to cook him or her dinner in return.

But, now for the important issues:

Darling, it's not your fault that I masturbate, although I'm sorry
that my masturbatory practices make you feel as if you are not enough
wife for me. Rest assured, you are. Forgive me for even suggesting
this, but, were I married to one of those girls on the Internet, I'd
still masturbate when I thought no one was looking.

Please understand that when I pleasure myself, never does it enter my
mind that I wish to be married to anyone other than you. The women in
those pictures are just objects of convenience, because the sexual
center of my (and all men's) brain is stimulated most by vision. When
I tell you that they don't mean anything to me, I really mean that!
After a few (pleasurable) involuntary muscle contractions, I close the
book on them, or click the window away. I don't masturbate because I'm
unhappy. I do it because it's a quick little waste of time.

And that's the thing... I do this when you aren't around. You may feel
that I blame you for being busy or tired, but I don't. We both have
busy schedules, and it's just a fact of life that we are apart for
long periods of time. I don't expect you to be at my beck and call to
service my every whim; our marriage is about so much more than just
sex (although I must admit that it sure is a nice part about our
marriage, and it did give us our child). Would you mind if I called
you at work, or while you're out with friends to ask, "Honey, can you
come home right away? My pants tugged at me in a certain way, and now
I'm aroused and I'd really love to ravish you right now." Tell me if
you'd like that, and I promise you, I'll wait around for the 20-30
minutes it would take you to get home.

Do you feel sometimes that you're the initiator of sex? When you tell
me that work tired you out, that you're glad you're home so that you
can relax... well, I just don't feel that sex is your idea of
relaxation. I honor you and respect you. You're the most important
thing in my life, and I want to be considerate of your feelings too.
Is it okay for me to want to make love to you even if you're tired? I
don't want you to say "yes" just because you think it's what I want
you to say. I'd want you to want to make love to me too. How can I be
more of a husband to you more often? Are there things I can say or do
that might put that certain tingle into your spine? I'm really bad at
reading body language, even though I'm trying to get better. Can you
show me, without being angry or frustrated with me, the kinds of
things you'd want me to do? All this time, you've felt insecure about
the fact that I masturbate, when the reality is that I've masturbated
because *I'm* insecure. If I felt more secure that I could convince
you to have sex with me without fearing your rejection, I would
masturbate less, so that I could "save up" for our little pow-wows. I
adore you,  my treasured love. Don't think for a second that I could
actually prefer an airbrushed magazine or website image to the warmth,
softness, and tenderness of your embrace. Never, ever, ever.

signed,
Your loving husband

Here's my thought.

With you he has a relationship - and on-going committment that is to
you as an entire person, and much more than just sex. He doesn't want
to betray that. But he wants more sex.

If he gets off with the lady next door, or even uses a brothel, he
possibly feels he would be betraying your relationship as a whole, as
well as involving another person - and in the case of a brothel
probably blowing your budget as well.

Masturbating while looking at a photograph seems to be an emotion-free alternative.

To what extent the models in the photographs are exploited by the
porn. industry is, of course, another question.

First off, 98% of men do masturbate, 2% lie about it. I expect the
same goes for women. In general it is not a problem in marriage or any
relationship. Sex, alone or with another person are two entirely
different actions with different reasons for prosuing each.
Masturbation is by defination a selfish activity, but that is not at
all bad thing. Sometimes a man or woman wants to be in compleate
control, do it their own way. This is something they might not get to
do with a partner. I suspect his masturbation, especly to images of
other women, might make you feel like he doesn't want you anymore.
This is not true, as long as you two still have a sex life together.

The bottem line is that this is fine and normal and nothing to be
concerened about unless he continusouly rejicts you in favore of
masturbation.

Also for you computer, I would suggest Firefox, Spybot Search &
Destroy, and LavaSoft Ad-Aware just like in the first comment. You can
find really good adult sites through
http://www.janesguide.com/frames.html They do reviews of free and pay
sites and will cut out the scams.