Found some information you may want to browse over.
http://list.msu.edu/cgi-bin/wa?A2=ind9812c&L=aejmc&F=&S=&P=923
"Emotionally relocating the deceased and moving on with life. Worden
quotes Freud on this task: "Mourning has a quite precise psychical
task to perform: its function is to detach the survivors' memories and
hopes from the dead" (Freud, 1913, p. 65)"
This is from a funeral home site and page found here:
http://www.wallerfuneralhome.com/newsletters/Finalnewsletters/spring1998.html
"CLOSURE AND RECONCILIATION
When does grieving for a loved one who has died end? or does the grieving ever end?
Recently I have noticed in my reading dealing with grief frequent use
of the word closure? meaning the act of closing or the condition of
being closed; a finish; a conclusion. I have noticed too that in my
thinking of ways to help mourners cope with the continuing pain of
death, I was recognizing this need for closure?not closure on memories
of the life and love of that person, but closure on the hurt of grief
for their loss. With further contemplation and reading, I have added
the concept of reconciliation? acceptance of the loss. Closure may
never be complete; reconciliation should be.
In earlier times people grew up experiencing birth, life, aging,
sickness, and death of generations within the home. Family members
knew what to expect when death occurred. They were a part of all that
transpired. Hospice and other home-care programs are now bringing some
care for the seriously ill back into homes.] My mother told of sitting
with her oldest sister as she worked one night making a shroud for a
neighbor. Caskets were often made by family members or friends. Bodies
were prepared for burial and sometimes funerals conducted in the home
with burial on the family property. This exposure to the reality of
death was healthy in the grieving process. Family and friends had
opportunities to express their grief and sympathy in meaningful ways
as the preparation, rituals, and extended period of mourning were
observed.
Although many changes in this pattern of life have occurred, some of
the old traditions have carried over to today. Friends go to the home
to assist the family with personal errands, visitors, and telephone
calls, and with serving meals from food brought in by those wanting to
ease the bereavement. Though some visitation, personal contacts, and
rituals have been moved from family homes, funeral home personnel
strive to make the funeral home atmosphere homelike and respectful of
the dead and of the living in every way possible. The convenience of
the funeral home can serve to give the family time for receiving
emotional support by sharing mutual grief with friends and also can
leave time for observing private time with close friends and family at
home. Funeral home directors and staff members consult with family
members to encourage and facilitate arrangements consoling to the
bereaved.
Some families find comfort in displaying photographs and other items
which reflect their memories. At Waller Funeral Home we provide
specially designed boards to simplify this display. Also personal
mementos may be placed in the casket?a flower, letter, handkerchief,
Bible, picture, turkey call, golf tee, tool, or anything that gives
comfort to the family. Being near the open casket during visitation
may be a part of the healing process for some. A family member may
request time alone with the body. At every point the family makes the
decisions. Each sharing of grief seems to diminish it.
The ritual of the funeral is not for the deceased but for the
bereaved. Commemorative rituals often mark birth, marriage,
graduation, and other milestones in life, and likewise the funeral can
help bring meaning to the passage of life. At the funeral the sorrow
of one becomes the sorrow of all. Dr. Eric Linderman has said, "The
funeral is psychologically necessary in order to give the opportunity
for grief work. The bereaved must be given the capacity to work
through his grief if he is to come out of that situation emotionally
sound."
Rabbi Steven Jacobs writes: "To grieve is to know the sorrow of
separation, the inevitable price of days and years of precious love. A
funeral provides the setting for this expression."
According to Alan Wolfelt, Director of the Center for Loss and Life
Transition in Fort Collins, Colorado:
"When words are inadequate, people have used ceremony to help heal.
But as we continue to reject ritual, we see more and more bereaved
people having complications in their mourning." He identifies some of
these complications which emerge months and even years after the death
as chronic anger, difficulties forming relationships, chronic physical
illness, concentration problems, long crying jags.
Just as options are available in arranging visitation and the funeral,
choices at entombment adapt to the emotional needs of individuals and
families. Relinquishing the body may provide the most significant
realization that death and separation have come.
The most common practice in our area is earth burial. Seeing the body
lowered into the grave provides a deep feeling of finality of the
earthly relationship. The graveside service with words of comfort and
the close presence of loving family and friends can help provide
closure and reconciliation for the bereaved.
To some people working through their grief, the cemetery can become
almost hallowed ground. The placement of a monument designating the
place of burial can also provide a measure of finality. Some find
comfort in placing flowers on the grave either occasionally or
regularly observing seasons, holidays, birthdays, and/or
anniversaries.
When cremation is the choice, visitation and funeral/memorial services
are nonetheless helpful in closure and reconciliation. Cremation
caskets and urns are available and displayed in the selection room at
the funeral home.
Those who are able to find relief through the release of emotions
often recover sooner than those who place restraints upon themselves.
This may be especially true of those who fear negative comments
concerning the outward display of emotions. Often expressions of
mourning vary in geographic areas of our own country. Cultural
differences also enter into ex
pressions of grief. Mourning customs in other countries often seem
very strange to us.
A recent article suggests that a feeling of closure must follow death
very closely. Could it be mourners are being pushed to bring closure
(not reconciliation) sooner than they find personally acceptable? Has
mourning gone out of style? Wiser sources suggest that mourning never
ends, only as time goes on it erupts less frequently. Although it is
draining and resembles an illness, we must feel the pain of grief. "If
we do not deal with our grief, it will deal with us. Unresolved grief
is listed right behind drug and alcohol abuse as one of the major
problems our society deals with today" (Barbara Les Strang)."
A little more on the funeral from :http://www.mnfuneral.org/funeral_info.shtml
The basic American funeral consists of five elements:
1. The visitation of the deceased, which allows the family to express
sympathy and gain support.
2. The rite of passage, which could be religious, consists mostly of ritual.
3. A funeral procession, which symbolizes the living and the dead.
4. Disposal of the body, a symbol of separation.
5. The commitment to death, committing the loved one to a final
resting place (Raether and Slater, 1997).
The funeral is often the initial step toward separation from the
deceased - the beginning of the grief process and re-establishing a
place in our community without the loved one (AFD 66). The funeral is
oftentimes a good means of closure for the living, a time to say
goodbye, and a time to begin living again without the loved one. We
see the funeral as a time for the living the spend one last moment
with the deceased, and address society's need to confirm the value of
life (Canine 183).
There are also psychological and social benefits to be fulfilled
during a funeral. The funeral ritual makes the death a reality for
those who are bereaved. Some see the funeral visitation as harsh
because it often causes painful reactions. However, it is a reality
and confirmation for the person grieving as to the finality of the
loss, thus allowing them to begin the healing process. Funerals are
often a time for remembering the deceased, and telling stories or
memories, as well as rituals to help in the psychological healing.
The social benefits of the funeral help not only the bereaved, but the
friends and family as well. The funeral allows for the community to
support the mourners, and gives a structured time of interaction with
members other than the family. The funeral also helps the community to
readjust to the loss of one of its members, and reminds people of the
fragility of life and reaffirms relationships, values, and beliefs
(Canine 184).
The funeral ritual is helpful and valuable for all who feel the loss
of the deceased. It validates life and allows us to go on living. The
ritual aspect is important for closure and social reasons. Attending
the funeral allows us to deal with the loss, says goodbye, and
reaffirms the importance of living.
More: http://porterloring.com/grief/planning_funeral2.pdf
This site has various points on death but you may find some
information useful as it gets into the grieve process, and how lack of
"closure" has effects on survivers. Alot of off topic information...
but also a lot of good stuff hiden in there.
http://www.ncfr.org/pdf/Decfamilyfocus.pdf |
