my mother is a very caring and affectionate person. however she does
have a tendency to go into these 'rages' or 'sulks' two or three times
a week where she lashes out verbally at one of the family. the things
that trigger off these events are sometimes very small, but sometimes
large as well.during this time she is extremely abusive and insulting
(sometimes profane) which is completely at odds with her general
character. the result of this is that she appears to be under
tremendous stress and often that one of the family gets very hurt. now
this has been going on for a while, but recently it has stepped up
both in frequency and intensity, and we are all really worried for her
health. in our culture, the stereotype is that one visits a
psychologist only when one is 'nuts' and there is a strong taboo in
general against visiting one.
my question is how do we as a family discuss this with her, without
giving her the feeling that we are all siding 'against' her. we feel
that a visit to a therapist would be hugely helpful, but with the
taboo attached she is likely to be insulted that someone suggest that
she see one.
please help

How about if you tell her you are having anger management issues and
ask her to accompany you to a session? You would need to clear that
with the therapist first.

Tape her next rage 
- then play it back to her when she is Ok

I would not suggest an overt video camera, but a covert one will help.

It might be really interesting to uncover the source (underlying
reason) for these rages.

You might discover curious things about her background.

As for what triggers it - it could well be dietary
- I shall never eat another Pringles crisp/chip again
- it could be the brand of soy sauce

I would STRONGLY (VERY STRONGLY) suggest you check with a professional
before following any of frde's suggestions.

You might also want to check with an atty. about whether planting a
bug in someone's house is a felony or misdemeanor in your area.

Sometimes a change in terminology can make a visit to a
psychotherapist seem more acceptable. Perhaps if you described the
therapist as a "counselor," your mom might be more willing to consider
the idea.

Yes well, I disagree with Silicon

Getting the law involved with minor domestic problems is a bad, bad idea.

Since, it sounds as if your mother is rational most of the time, then
by proving to her that she is having 'tantrums', perhaps 'flashbacks'

- it is very possible that she will understand, and accept some sort
of role reversal
- or even better get what is bugging her off her mind

Personally I would covertly record one of her tantrums and later play
it back to her, but if you want to take the risky path (and strictly
legal), then overtly do it
- it will drive her mad.

The real point is, if she is Ok 90% of the time, then you have a
chance of getting things sorted out *quietly* between you.

If she is nuts for 90% of the time then head for the hills

Yes I agree with the terminoligy suggestion.

Perhaps 'taking tea with an aunt' would help

I have a ghastly suspicion that she is cut off from her own cultural
background and feeding and washing for a bunch of Americans.

thank you all for your helpful coments.
siliconsamurai - unfortunately i am not able to do as i will be away
from home for a while
frde - i did try something similar once, but these rages are so out of
character that when she heard it she was genuinely confused and
finally decided that, at the time, whatever was bugging her must have
waranted such a response because normally she would never do that.
also she is within her culture, i think a large amount of her stress
comes from being recently retired with not much to keep her occcupied.

pinkfreud - thanks for the idea about the counselor, i think that may
be the first step.

FRDE ? I agree completely that the law shouldn?t be involved if
possible. That is why I don?t think you should be recommending to the
client that he/she commit what in my state would be a felony.

As usual, garnering the facts is like extracting teeth

- often I think people post here to get /themselves/ to 'marshal the facts'
- not a bad idea - it seems to work

@Silicon, I would seldom recommend committing a crime with 'malign intent'

I understand your concern.

You would benefit by reading some family systems theory.  By no means
should you suggest to your loved one that she go to visit a therapist.
 Her issues are not happening in a vacuum.  You need to suggest that
there are some dynamics going on that the whole family needs help with
and you go first, inviting her to accompany you or to come to a later
session.
Any psychologist or therapist will agree with this.

I agree with pilgrimintx.  Excellent idea.  You and/or another family
member can talk to a professional about this real problem in YOUR
life, and when you ask your Mom to accompany you to a session (or
more, later), it will be to "help" YOU.  She will be much less
resistant to the idea.

Thanks for your suggestion. I will try this the next time i am home.
there are very real reasons (as suggested by pilgrim) for my mothers
frustration, unfortunately most are impossible to fix (ageing for
example) and are difficult to help with from a distance.

You might have a Borderline Personality Disorder on your hands.  This
is a very, very difficult situation.  Talk to a professional about how
to get help for your loved one.  If BPD is confirmed, you should read
"Stop Walking on Eggshells" by Mason and Kreger.  Amazon.com has used
copies at low cost.

regards,

Mike

I know you asked this question some time ago, but I just saw it and
wondered if you have considered the possibility of brain disease (eg
cancer).  You make it sound as though these rages are not something
you mother has displayed for most of her adult life.