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Q: Is my husband a homosexual? ( No Answer,   33 Comments )
Question  
Subject: Is my husband a homosexual?
Category: Relationships and Society
Asked by: annie1954-ga
List Price: $2.00
Posted: 08 Mar 2005 20:33 PST
Expires: 07 Apr 2005 21:33 PDT
Question ID: 487139
Been married almost 30 years. My husband has been hot and cold on sex,
went 4 years without and then suddenly weekly or more for 2 years,
during the second year suprised me asking sometimes in bed to dress
him up in my nightgowns or would just put it on. I bought him his own
silky pajama's.  But still would want mine. Told him it turned me off.
I am not a prude and am open to other experimenting.  Now it has been
3 years and again no sex. At first I caught him masturbating on the
internet with porn pictures. But now he has many more pictures of
shemales.  So now I wonder if he is gay. I question our whole
relationship.  Was I just a good cover for him all these years. The
other night at dinner my husband said something, can't remember what
and my son said that's gay, I laughling said maybe Dad is gay. My
husband said don't say that.  The way he answered almost sounded like
I was on target with that comment. I apoligize to any one I may offend
with this letter. He is an alcoholic for the past 15 years and now he
spends alot of time on the internet.  I also have seen him on chat
lines, don't know with who.  He talks about our future wants to start
a business, would like to move to another state and start over. I am
ready to leave him.I hope someone with knowledge in this can offer me
some answers.
                              Thank you,
                               Ann
                                Thank you

Clarification of Question by annie1954-ga on 09 Mar 2005 07:52 PST
I would like to add some informtion to my previous letter,perhaps it
will help everyone with their opinions of my situation. I have been to
3 counselors and Alanon for the alcoholism and relationship and family
problems. He is still drinking,often alot. We have had communication
problems forever. I am open he isn't. Always have wondered if he was
sexually abused in Catholic school,I know he was hit.  He has such a
hate for the church. I am very affectionate, he only was while we
dated. He won't go for counseling. Tried it once he just lied and
would not go back. He says I am the one with the problems. He does not
want to be the first one in his family to divorce, although no one
would be surprised if we did. The dressing up started the last half of
the two years we last had sex. I would dress up, wigs, a few minor
toys. Then out of the blue he would say dress me up, dress me up.
Wanting me to put the nightie on him, when I didn't he did. I told him
I want a man in bed not a woman and that it turned me off. As for ther
porn, some of you said I would feel worse if it was women, no I would
feel I can't measure up, but with the hundred pictures of shemales he
has saved in a file make me think he must be gay. What man wants to
imagine himself with type of person. He does have about 10 pictures of
women. His business is failing, and yes I am sure he suffers from
depression. I think most active alcoholics do. When I was about to
turn 50 last year I decided to make big changes, I changed jobs after
23 years, I lost 47 pounds, people tell me I look great, everyone but
him. I have colored my hair, get fake nails, everyone has noticed but
him. When his family commented about my changes at Christmas he just
answered I will probably gain it back. He never compliments anyone our
kids included. So I am looking at the future not including him. But I
guess I wrote to this site with the hopes of someone helping mostly
with this shemale issue. Yesteday when I found this site someone else
had wrote about shemales and everyone said her husband wasn't gay, but
I don't know if your responses are different because my husband also
likes dressing up in bed. I am sorry this is so long, but I want to
give as much information I can.              Thanks again.
                                Ann

Clarification of Question by annie1954-ga on 09 Mar 2005 08:13 PST
Lastly, remember I said I know he is also chatting online, I am sure
with the shemales, and if this makes a diffrence most pictures are
asian, I am not asian.
                                Thanks again,
                                 Cheryl

Clarification of Question by annie1954-ga on 09 Mar 2005 15:05 PST
This question is to Google, how do I know if a reseracher is answering
my question?                           Thank You,
                                    Ann

Request for Question Clarification by cynthia-ga on 09 Mar 2005 20:45 PST
Ann,

You can tell the difference between Google Answers Researchers and
others (Commenters) by looking at our names.  If a name is underlined
and blue (like mine), that is a Researcher.  You can click on the
name/link and see a list questions that have been answered by that
researcher, how many they have answered and what their rating is (out
of a possible 5).  Also, Researchers can post in this area
(clarification area) and in the Answer Box, while regular registered
members cannot.

~~Cynthia
Answer  
There is no answer at this time.

Comments  
Subject: Re: Is my husband a homosexual?
From: probonopublico-ga on 08 Mar 2005 22:27 PST
 
Hi, Ann

Sorry to hear of your problems.

Whatever your husband's sexuality, he sure is acting oddly.

The alcoholism is bad enough and he appears to be in need of some counselling.

Hope that you can find a way forward,

Bryan
Subject: Re: Is my husband a homosexual?
From: feroce-ga on 08 Mar 2005 22:43 PST
 
Hi Ann,

The first person you might strongly consider asking is your husband. 
Really.  Perhaps after making it safe for him to give the truthful
answer, as opposed to intimating the one you'd rather hear.  That
means you will need to be more direct than through joking.

There are a number of possibilities.  He could be gay.  He could be
bisexual.  He could be a third category over which there is some
debate:  the heterosexual experimenter.  He could be a transvestite as
well as gay.  These are all blameless things, but you can be sure that
if he is any of these things, he lives in great fear and shame.  If
you love him, you may want to consider working with him in a spirit of
radical acceptance.

Talk to him.  Let him know that you love him and that your love is unconditional.  

Best wishes to both of you,

Cameron Powell
Personal Coach
www.FeroceCoaching.com
Subject: Re: Is my husband a homosexual?
From: daniel2d-ga on 09 Mar 2005 00:17 PST
 
First, you need to get counseling to deal with the alcoholism, even if
it is just to find out how his alcholism is affecting you.
Second, you have to ask yourself, "am I better with him or without
him?"  That will determine whether you should work on getting out of
the marriage or work on making it work.
Third, the question isn't "is my husband homosexual" but rather "does
he want to be in this marriage."  Ask him,if he wants to be in the
marriage.  If yes, then make counseling, both marriage and for the
alcoholism mandatory, and hold him to it. If he doesn't, no matter
what the reason, you can make plans to leave.
Subject: Re: Is my husband a homosexual?
From: shaithis-ga on 09 Mar 2005 02:34 PST
 
Hi Ann,
 I personally don't think your husband is gay. I am a depressive and
believe me it wipes you out from a sexual point of view he could be an
undiagnosed depressive. Or it could be he's just bored.

In either case YOU need to work at 'floating his boat'. My wife has to
do it with me and uses products from http:www.multiisuk.co.uk They
have recently contacted us letting us know they are adding a further
2000 lines (give or take) to thier existing stock.

I would suggest a toy of some sort and when you start getting a
response the herbal viagra.

Regards,

Marcus.
Subject: Re: Is my husband a homosexual?
From: frde-ga on 09 Mar 2005 05:29 PST
 
It sounds as if your husband is a bit of a fetishist
- possibly he fancies being a cross dresser

Oddly, the people I know (and have heard of) who are cross dressers
are certainly not gay
- one who I know quite well is a real bednotcher - not, I think covering up

Those silk pajamas you bought him could be put to good use
- try wandering around in the top

Most lasses I have known have been the most appalling cross dressers,
they nick my favourite shirts, my pullovers and an old leather
trenchcoat that I had went down a storm.

It sounds to me as if he is rather bored, a bit confused, and would
like to re-invent himself.
Subject: Re: Is my husband a homosexual?
From: lrulrick-ga on 09 Mar 2005 07:04 PST
 
Ann, I agree that the best way for you to understand what is going on
with your husband is to ask him. Do not ask him in a confrontational
way, but sit him down in a relaxing and friendly setting and explain
yur willingness to understand this and deal with it with him. Suggest
counseling for BOTH of you.

However I have to disagree with Shaithis-ga- it is not your job to
find what floats his boat and then work it.  I could go on forever on
why thats not even close to being something that is your
responsiblity, and depressive or not- men should be able to compromise
and be willing to work on their issues without a woman having to make
all the sacrifices. A sexual relationship between two people should
not consist of one having to do something that makes them
uncomfortible, or that they are not willing to do whole heartedly. You
should not feel guilted into any actions. One person demanding that
the other concedes to fullfilling their desires despite any objects is
a sheer act of disrespect.

Even if your husband refuses counseling, I would recommend that you go
on your own in order to help you deal with this situation. It seems as
if your life is (sexually speaking) is put on hold while he deals with
his issues. ANd honestly how fair is that to you? You have every right
to expect that your needs be fulfilled and evidently that is not
happening. I would say that you deserve better and if that is not
possible with him, then you need to move on. Do not let anyone
convience you that your desires and needs should take a backburner to
his.

Best of luck-
lru
Subject: Re: Is my husband a homosexual?
From: dancingbear-ga on 09 Mar 2005 13:54 PST
 
Dear Annie1954-
I almost started to post a comment on your question when I read it
last night- but I decided to see what wisdom would emerge from the
Google-Answer community first.  Your clarification of your situation
was useful.  First of all - congratulations to you for the courage to
post the question, for your patience in your marriage all these years-
and especially the physical transformation you gave yourself- which
probably has helped you to re-evaluate you satisfaction with your
marriage.  Just to addd a little more depth to what has already been
said- from what you have described my guess is that your husband has
strong transvestite feelings / desires.  As others have said- being
into transvestism has nothing to do with your core sexuality- but a
lot to do with how you "package" yourself in a way that turns you on. 
For a man - this means exploring what it looks and feels like to
appear sexy as a woman.  If you decide to approach your husband about
this- you may want to try and do some research on your own first- in
order to work through your judgements and feeling about what may be
occuring for him- BEFORE talking to him.  Why do this?  Asking him
about what is happening for him may trigger a strong response from
him- if he sees that you are not judging him- and that you have
actually informed yourself about what might be occuring-he may open up
and be surprised.  Most of the commenters seem to believe he is
probably into tranvestism.  However- another possibility to confront
is that it may be more extreme than that- he may be transgenderd - the
desire to emotionally and physically change his gender.  A great movie
you could watch (maybe with him after you see it on your own first) is
the HBO movie "Normal".  here is the Synopsis:

An official selection at the 2003 Sundance Film Festival, this HBO
Films production adapted by Jane Anderson from her acclaimed play
mixes humor, drama, and tenderness in telling the story of a seemingly
"normal" Midwestern factory worker who stuns his family and community
by revealing he wants a sex change operation.

Roy Applewood's outrageous news shocks and angers Irma, his wife of 25
years. Despite his insistence that he wants the family to stay
together, she kicks him out of the house.

Their adolescent daughter, Patty Ann, takes the news more in stride as
she is discovering the awkwardness of her own burgeoning sexuality.

However, nothing in his career as a rock roadie has prepared the
couple's grown son, Wayne, for dealing with his father's decision.

As Roy begins exploring the accoutrements of being a woman (from
perfume to breasts) he faces ostracism within the community and
ridicule on the job. But, he also finds compassion from unlikely
sources, such as his boss, who is beginning to take an interest in
Irma.

Ultimately, the family struggles to understand Roy's decision and he
and Irma discover that love can transcend both the genders we're born
with and the ones we choose.

http://www.hbo.com/films/normal/

I am not in way suggesting that your husband wants a sex change- but
dealing with a husband who may have desires be a transvestite, even if
only sexually, could seem just as challenging.
If you would like me to do anymore research for resources you could
investigate regarding heterosexual male transvestites- let me know
(I'm not a google researcher- but I find the topic fascinating and
would be happy to see what I could come up with)  Remember- i'm only
suggesting this 'homework' so that you can get to a place of non-
judgement with your husband- that is not the same about the choice you
make for yourself in order to be happy in life.

Finally- i think that the revdeacon's response was the best summation
of what many of us are trying to convey and I thank the revdeacon for
his/her words of compassion and wisdom.
Subject: Re: Is my husband a homosexual?
From: annie1954-ga on 09 Mar 2005 22:07 PST
 
To Cythina,
How soon will I get a response from a reseracher? 
                         Thank you,
                          Ann
Subject: Re: Is my husband a homosexual?
From: cynthia-ga on 10 Mar 2005 01:19 PST
 
Ann, as soon as a Researcher takes an interest in yor question. There
is no real "research" to be done.  What you are asking for is an
educated opinion, someone to read your story and give their best
synopsis of what is going on in your husbands mind, and to write it up
for you, in essence, a report. There are several researchers here that
answer these types of questions, myself included, but not for $2.00
(researchers get $1.50 of that). There's too many other questions on
the site asking very simple questions for a lot more money.

For instance, as I was reading the question about alcohol servers in
Ohio, I entered 3 keywords and found the answer in about 1 minute. The
offer was $5.00, but I missed the lock. I could have totally finished
that question in 10 minutes. Yours would take me an hour.

I replied to your question to tell you how to recognize the difference
between a Commenter and Researcher.  The Comments so far are very
interesting and informative.

In my opinion, I don't think your husband is gay. To explain WHY would
take the hour I mentioned.

~~Cynthia
Subject: Re: Is my husband a homosexual?
From: probonopublico-ga on 10 Mar 2005 02:17 PST
 
Hi, Again, Ann

Cynthia-ga has made a great point that Researchers would not be
motivated to officially answer any challenging question priced at only
$2.00.

However, you can always raise the ante, should you wish.

Maybe a $50 price tag would generate some interest - but not from me,
because I am not a Researcher.

Just an idea!

All the Best

Bryan
Subject: Re: Is my husband a homosexual?
From: cynthia-ga on 10 Mar 2005 03:47 PST
 
Actually, I did manage to get the lock on the Ohio Liquor question,
and Answered it. I copy and pasted some text from the Liquor Control
site, and typed a few lines, all in about 10 minutes, then added a
clarification an hour later. 15 minutes total.
Subject: Re: Is my husband a homosexual?
From: scubajim-ga on 10 Mar 2005 08:40 PST
 
The chemical dependency thing is overshadowing any other possible
problem there is.  Ignore the sex and shemales for the moment.  You
have to deal with the drinking.  He needs professional help. If he
won't go then you go.  Consult with someone who has experience dealing
with chemical dependency and families.  Chemical addiction affects the
whole family and is the whole families problem.  You may have to do an
intervention; the professinal counselor will help advise you on this. 
You may have to leave him.  Don't assume the problem is you; addicts
know all the tricks in the book to make you feel as if you are the one
at fault.  They are just defending their egos because they feel so bad
inside.  They  need help.  If you want to help him then run don't walk
to a professional counselor.
Subject: Re: Is my husband a homosexual?
From: dancingbear-ga on 10 Mar 2005 13:58 PST
 
What Happened to revdeacon's comment?  I referred to that comment in
my comment- and later could not find it anywhere on the google answer
site.  Was I seeing things?  How could a person's comment dissapear? 
Any body have a clue?
Subject: Re: Is my husband a homosexual?
From: cynthia-ga on 10 Mar 2005 16:55 PST
 
dancingbear,

The GA Editors are working overtime attempting to remove all the spam
that is literally pouring onto the site. There was an article posted
and reposted in several web locations that details how to use GA to
boost page rank, consequently, there is a lot of people coming onto
the site, entering keywords that pertain to their product/site, and
"Commenting" --they always throw in a link or two.  Those links are
spam. Relevant or not, spam is spam. The Editors are removing them as
fast as they can.

~~Cynthia
Subject: Re: Is my husband a homosexual?
From: dancingbear-ga on 11 Mar 2005 12:44 PST
 
Thanks for the explanation Cynthia-
I'm surprised some of the other "comments"  with links have survived-
they seem just as spammy to me.
Subject: A few things...
From: res3-ga on 16 Mar 2005 10:39 PST
 
Some things to think about:

Do you want to be in this relationship?  
If he is gay, would you end it?  
If he isn't gay, would that make you happy? Would it make the
relationship satisfying?
What do you want?  
Do you make his happiness more important than yours?  
Do you feel you deserve to be happy?  
Do you think it is possible to have the relationship that you want to
have with your husband?

Some things to remember:
You are not responsible for how he feels.  
You have a responsiblity to honor the way you feel.  
If your husband won't communicate with you, gay or not, the
relationship will never work.
You first responsiblity is to yourself.  You should never sacrifice
your own needs for someone else, whatever the reason.
You deserve to be happy.

Good luck.
R
Subject: Re: Is my husband a homosexual?
From: recoveringrichard-ga on 22 Mar 2005 16:45 PST
 
Hi Ann,
I am not a paid researcher, but I have been in recovery for over 15
years and your story sounds very familiar to me. Your membership in
Alanon is a good thing. Have you discussed this with your group or
sponsor? I have a suggestion for you that will not cost anything and
will not take up much of your time. There is a group called COSA. I
would put the link to the website here, but I am afraid the "Spam
Police" might delete it. If you Google "COSA Recovery" that should
take you to the website. Click on the link "How do I know if COSA is
for me?" Read the 15 or so questions there. If the shoe fits, I would
suggest you contact them. If not, just close the window and have a
nice day.

If you decide to contact the COSA fellowship and there are no meetings
in your area, there are a couple of similiar fellowships available in
different regions of the country. Sanon can be found online by
googling "Sanon Recovery" and CoSlaa can be found by googling "coslaa
recovery".

God Bless! I wish you the best!

RecoveringRichard
Subject: Re: Is my husband a homosexual?
From: ohioman-ga on 24 Mar 2005 16:24 PST
 
I am not a researcher, but I am a 55 year old retired, previously
married gay man with some things on my mind ?
How old are your children and do they live at home?
What do you do for fun in your life? ? By yourself I would imagine.
How long has your husband?s alcoholism been a problem in your marriage?
How many close friends do you have? ? Ones you can be totally open with.
Do you live in a city, suburban, or rural setting? How large a city
and in what part of the country?
Have you made a list of advantages/disadvantages of staying together
and trying to work things out?
There may be confusion on his part as to whether he is gay, bisexual,
a cross dresser, a transsexual or not. The she males sometimes provide
a ?palatable? alternative to someone who cannot accept homosexuality
in themselves. He sounds like he is going through his sexual life
feelings by himself in his ?real? life, and trying to ask only those
in the she male life on-line.  There are many resources for him in
larger cities. Just Google ?gay Houston? or whatever close city there
is. Find the local gay community center and ask their hotline to refer
you to local she male or cross dresser groups which you could use for
insight. Believe it or not, this is a common question for them to
front. It?s always good to speak personally to people in your area.
Another venue you may try is PFLAG ? (Parents, Families & Friends of
Lesbians & Gays) . There are many chapters all over the country.
You are not alone. There are perhaps several hundred people in the US
at the same place you are at the moment. This is not all that uncommon
in our world today. Keep the faith, and get some local help. You won?t
feel alone with others to talk to. I would stop thinking of him and
start on yourself. When you are fully informed you will feel confident
in making a serious life changing decision. Then you can write him a
long heartfelt letter (with help and suggestions from the new friends
you have made in the gay community) which he can read and think about.
After he has absorbed it?s content, he?ll come to you with the ability
to slowly speak frankly about his life and feelings. At the very
least, he should be willing to meet with some of your new friends. I
would not hide what you are doing. Let him know you want to be
informed about what he is going through, and if it can?t come from
him, you?ll find out on your own. He is welcome to come with you, but
if not, fine with you. Wait till you feel fully informed to discuss
your info gathering conclusions with him if he still stays to himself.
Finally, for heaven?s sake, please don?t belittle or seem disgusted
with his feelings. I believe he is already feeling alienated from you
after some of the comments you have said to him. I know it?s hard, but
let him alone until you feel informed enough to confront him about
himself and your relationship. I hope this helps some. I?m not a
professional in any way, but these things are from my experience and
my heart.
John in Ohio
Subject: Re: Is my husband a homosexual?
From: mlehman0-ga on 31 Mar 2005 19:01 PST
 
Absolutely not. Just because he is looking at shemales does not make
him a homosexual.  He simply has a fetish for shemales.

Don't get me wrong, it is possible that he could be gay, but that
would be only if he were attracted to other men. He could be turned on
by both, but the whole shemale thing doesn't mean he is.

The best way to find out would be to ask him. You could do all the
research in the world and not find the true answer.  He is probably
the only one who knows himself best (except god, if you believe in
that sort of thing), so he would be the best person to ask.
Subject: Re: Is my husband a homosexual?
From: cynthia-ga on 01 Apr 2005 02:29 PST
 
I agree with mlehman0. Although it's possible, it is very unlikely,
unless you also saw male/male porn. If not, he has a shemale fetish.
That's it.

Ann, if you simply level with your husband, tell him the not-knowing
is worse than ANY answer he could possibly give, and that you will
stay with him regardless of what the answer is.... he will tell you
the truth.

He is troubled, feels like he has no one to confide in. 

This is where the "for better or worse" clause in your 'marriage
vows,' pops in to say Hello!

His unburdening could be a real boost to your relationship. It really
depends on whether you really want to know... can you handle it?

Think about it.

~~Cynthia
Subject: Re: Is my husband a homosexual?
From: llptexas-ga on 04 Apr 2005 14:38 PDT
 
I wanted to make just a few comments regarding your question...One
more important problem with your marriage is indeed the fact that you
claim he is an alcoholic, but the other is that you would go through a
period of time as long as 3 years without having sex.  I don't mean to
be blunt, but if you wonder after all this time whether he is gay,
wouldn't that be sort of a moot point? The lack of communication,
closeness and relationship within your marriage was already prevalent.
I would suggest that you either start communication with him to truly
get to know him as you should in a marraige, or you should part ways
and find someone else that you can love, trust and communicate with.
Good luck and best wishes.
Subject: Re: Is my husband a homosexual?
From: monkay-ga on 06 Apr 2005 13:27 PDT
 
Sounds like you have much bigger problems than whether or not your
husband is gay.  True you're married, but he is obviously not
fulfilling his half of the deal.  Stop wasting your life on this guy
and dump him!!!
Subject: Re: Is my husband a homosexual?
From: cwelsch-ga on 07 Apr 2005 20:01 PDT
 
I do not believe your husband is gay. I am gay and have very many gay
friends. I have never met someone that has a fetish for shemales.
Subject: Re: Is my husband a homosexual?
From: motovamp-ga on 18 Apr 2005 20:56 PDT
 
Is your husband gay?  I don't know.
Does it really matter?  I doubt it.
Why?  Sounds like the least of your problems.
Counseling?  Nah, those "counselors" don't know anything except how to
rack up some expensive bills.
Dump him and get a life?  YES!
Subject: Re: Is my husband a homosexual?
From: kevlar-ga on 20 Apr 2005 23:49 PDT
 
Anne,

   Sorry to hear about your problems.  It sounds like he is not taking
care of you and isn't even being affectionate.  That alone is all that
is required for you to move on.

    That being said, him looking at porn on the internet isn't weird
if you haven't had sex for years.  What is weird is if he's looking at
porn full of she-males.  I've never heard of a straight man doing this
except when trying to shock someone or play a prank.  If it was a
one-time deal, then he could've just accidentally surfed in.  If you
see this sort of thing on your computer all the time, then yes, he is
gay.  If he enjoys looking at naked men, he is gay.  The only
difference between an openly gay man and a man who enjoys looking at
pictures of naked men in secret is that they are at different stages
in their sexuality, but they are both gay.
Subject: Re: Is my husband a homosexual?
From: dsmoya31410-ga on 21 Apr 2005 12:56 PDT
 
Ann:

You need to read and have your husband read "Out of the Shadows" by
Carnes (http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1568386214/qid=1114113335/sr=2-1/ref=pd_bbs_b_2_1/104-2028983-9806324
if you like Amazon.com). It sounds to me like he has a sexual
addiction - and depression. He needs counseling, but the book will
answer loads of questions for him.

Good luck!

Debbie
Subject: Re: Is my husband a homosexual?
From: jodhpur7-ga on 07 May 2005 13:44 PDT
 
I would recommend as Google doea that you increase the price of your
question, (nothing personal, but I fe bucks may get you better ideas
from qualified people) and that too without spam and after proper
research.
Subject: Re: Is my husband a homosexual?
From: tqween-ga on 11 Jun 2005 00:41 PDT
 
Dear Ann,
I know some time has past since you posted this question.  I am sorry
I didn't see this earlier as I believe I have the answer. I desperatly
hope you read this.
My husband was exactly the same as yours, identical.  I went through
years without sex.  He always said it was him and that he was confused
as to why. I found women's clothes and makeup stashed away in various
places in the house and he confessed to me that he would dress up in
the car after work as it gave him an exciting "high".  I'm pretty
accepting and open minded but was unfortunately ignorant to what this
all meant.  I thought it strange but accepted him.  I never thought it
was at all connected to his lack of interest in me.  It was, I have
since found out.  He too looked at shemales.  I found dildos in the
bedroom which he neglected to hide and he masterbated continually. I
hate to admit this but I took him to a drag queen show and that was
the beginning of the end to our 13 year relationship.  He loved it,
admired the performers and wanted more. He asked around and found
where cross dressers hang out.  He started to dress as a woman, wore
make up, wigs, high heals, fake boobs, the works and went out three
nights a week to gay/alternative bars.  He became very distant and I
knew something was going on.  He joined a gay/transvestite group on a
website.  One day he left his computer on and I saw a page open with a
letter from another cross dresser saying how enjoyable the sex had
been with my husband.
 
I can bank on it that you too married a transvestite though not a
practicing one. My husband has a drug addiction and now an alcohol
problem as well plus he too experiences deep depression. He actually
was the one to say he wanted the marriage to end.  We were getting
counseling and I had some hope since I loved him. I realize how little
self respect I had to stay with a man like this. I am now non
critical, kind and accepting towards him so I could stay here, not to
be a glutton for punishment but to get what I deserve. I held on until
our 10th anniversary to divorce him which was only a few days ago.  In
my state it makes a big difference. My husband is so involved and
addicted to his fantasy world that he hasn't a clue.

Currently he brings home transvestite lovers who stay for days and
days. He loves men who look like women or women with male plumbing. In
my book, that's gay. Even though I no longer love my husband, I can't
handle this unhealthy atmosphere and need to move out ASAP.  I'm
slowly gaining my self confidence back through counseling

Though your husband may not be outwardly expressing his transvestism,
I believe you are married to someone like my husband and you need to
leave him.  I don't care how long you've been married.  What you are
going through is abuse.  Though he may not be responsible for his
tendancies it will never cease and it will continue to hurt you. 
There is no cure for transvestism. I would underline the last sentence
if I could.
Make a fresh break and get on with your life.  You will be so much
happier.  You will feel like a women again and have the love and
intimacy you deserve from a much healthier man.
Subject: Re: Is my husband a homosexual?
From: lori_20005-ga on 24 Jun 2005 00:10 PDT
 
This is what I think....Being that he likes to dress in women's
clothes maybe he is either a crossdresser or transsexual. As far as
him looking at pictures of she-males on the internet or talking with
she-males maybe he feels they are the only ones that can understand
him. The pictures that he is looking at might just be a way for him to
get an idea of what he would like to look like.
   I am a non-op transsexual and I look at pictures of she-males
sometimes to see how they dress, how to acheive the female body, etc.
Also speaking to others in the community makes you feel that you
aren't the only one out there.
Subject: Re: Is my husband a homosexual?
From: samf50-ga on 14 Aug 2005 02:09 PDT
 
No, your husband is not gay...Gay means "like to sleep with men" and
she males are not in this category.

Most middle aged men find that they didn't try,or discover a lot of
things in life and that they really don't want life to pass them by
without experiencing the kinky side of things.

A shemale looks like a woman but has something different between her
legs, and THAT'S what is exciting to your husband. Your husband needs
anal games during  sex,and that will definitely brings him to bed much
more often. You can do a small experiment if you need confirmation.

If he is giving you his back in bed, playfully insert a lubricated
finger in his ass while whispering to him that this is very exciting.
If you notice a huge erection, then you have your answer. He wants the
feeling of being taken for a change, since he's been a giver for so
long...

You can also visit a shemale with him, and allow him to be himself
with her while you watch, then decide.

Anyway, this seems to be a normal man who is looking for his feminine
side with no resolution, and only you can help him and yourself.

Good luck and have a very exciting sex life.
Subject: Re: Is my husband a homosexual? take it from a friend but keep the $2.00 worth
From: holyjoe-ga on 15 Aug 2005 13:00 PDT
 
Hi Ann,

I have to begin by pointing out what courage you have and what an
amazing person you are that you would like to help your husband but
also look for all possible ways to save your marrige.

I can understand that it maybe hard for you since you already have
children and that you have been in this marrige for long. I feel that
there are numerous possibilities for why he is behaving this way.

He could be bisexual. It is a possiblilty that he may have been
homosexual but has taken a liking for women too. I would also agree
with Cameron in the message (feroce on 08 Mar 2005 22:43) about the
possiblities.

Secondly he could be one of those men that have lost confidence in
themselves, a very likely possibility of depression because of the
lack of sexual drive and change in performance at work. Possibly
because of a loss in contact of a good relation with somebody maybe a
friend at work or a despute with a collegue, it could be job
insecurity, an illness, body image/physique, etc. in which case you
can offer to help him out for instance you mentioned that you lost
weight, If you go to a gym, then take him along for company, if he is
just a beginner encourage him and work with him. Gives you both some
time together. Try doing things that you both love, it could be
cycling, hiking, movies, stuff that bring back the memories from when
you first got together or the time you got married. If its a career
change or career issue then find careers counsellor at a community
centre.

Lastly, he maybe one of those controlling men who maybe likes to be
taken over sometimes, who would like to feel venerable. I have a
question for you. Are you submissive in bed and in most decisions as
well as is he in a commanding postion at work? If so then maybe all
he's trying to do is let go and submit to his mind, (could be the
reason for dressing, maybe he considers ladies as submissive). Try the
'sit on the couch' technique when you are alone together and the house
is empty, play light music, let his head rest on your shoulder for a
change if it is the other way around, take his hand into yours and
TALK to him. Be a little bit sensitive to his feelings and views, but
at the same time please keep your feelings in mind. Mention about
specific changes that you have been noticing in him, such as his
drinking, cross-dressing, he's change in performance at work,
internet, etc and what he thinks is happening and then go on to ask
him why 'he' thinks this is all happening and what you can do to
assist him. Remember that the general question of 'Is anything wrong?'
may just get him upset.

THINGS TO ADD to that is let him know that it's ok to cry, that the
things that are happening to him can get better as long as he can
believe it and talk about it with somebody who knows him (that would
be you), that life is tough but that you both have to work through it
together. Let him know that whatever he says is not silly or stupid,
its human.
If the relationship is not something that you want to keep then you
will not have to worry about if he really is in the midst of a change
in mind (homosexual or bisexual) but if you plan on keeping him I
suggest seeing a counsellor to prepare yourself for the worst case
scenario.

Even though getting him to sit down with you maybe difficult, you know
him better than anyone. I strongly recommend you to keep your feelings
in mind since this is a two-way relationship and not only him.

Best wishes
H
Subject: Re: Is my husband a homosexual?
From: psychmajor29-ga on 22 Sep 2005 10:51 PDT
 
Unfortunately, he sounds like he is.  This is a true story that
happened to a woman I know.  She married at 21, a guy we all had known
for years.  He was popular, macho, very much a guy's guy - kind of a
jerk, actually.  They had 2 daughters within the first 5 years of
marriage, started a newstand business together.  He started carrying
porn magazines at the newstand, which she (being a born again
Catholic) was against.  Their sex life started to get bizarre; he
could only get turned on if they role played, her playing the guy. 
Soon after this, she came home one day and found him masturbating with
a broom stick anally.  After counseling and 13 years of marriage, he
came fully out of the closet.  Dyed his hair blonde and is openly
dating men.  It's been tragic for the girls, her family and most
especially for her.  And the worst part about it, is that he KNEW he
was gay, before he married her.  But it wasn't acceptable to be that
way; his clique of highschool friends have all disowned him after all.
 It's a shame that he didn't have the guts to be real about the
situation.
Subject: Re: Is my husband a homosexual?
From: londonkenton-ga on 13 Oct 2005 02:56 PDT
 
I have read many questions on this site and never signed up to make a
comment until i read this one.

I really feel for you but think that yu should sit him down on his pc
and ask him to read your letter. It sounds like you can't damage the
relationship more but it will give him the opportunity to explain and
really decide what he wants and how much effort he is willing to give
to work towards the future.

If he is unable to do so at least you will know and be able to make
better decisions.

Good luck

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