My ex-fiancée (I broke the engagement on 6-13-02) used my computer
this afternoon to check her email.  When she was through, she failed
to turn it off.  After she left the house, I saw that she was still
connected to her provider, and her email was on my screen.  I opened
up some emails and found that she has been, and still is,
cyber-romancing another man (I suspected it).  She has been trying to
get back with me during the time she is corresponding with, and
planning to meet with the other man.  Question:  I want to confront
her with this information, and I want her to give me back the
engagement ring since there is NOW no chance of us getting back
together again.  Would I be culpable in this approach?  I first
thought that this might be construed as a bribe, or possibly an
invasion of privacy, but now I’m not sure. What do you think?

Since you are asking a rather personal question, I will try to
approach it in a personal way; rather than just throw Web links at
you, I am going to try to discuss some of the issues in your
situation, as I see them. It seems that you have some doubts about the
propriety of breaking your engagement and asking your fiancee to give
back the ring. I feel that you have every right to expect her to
return the engagement ring, and I'll give a few reasons why that is
the case.

It seems to me that you face three major issues here:

1. Is cyber-romance the same as cheating?
2. If my fiancee cheats on me, am I justified in breaking our
engagement?
3. If I break the engagement for this reason, do I have the right to
expect her to return the ring?

The first thing to consider is whether cybersex is "cheating." There
is an article on this subject on the "Ask Men" Web site that is worth
reading:

Ask Men: Cybersex, Is It Cheating?
http://www.askmen.com/love/love_tip/sextip13.html

The very best quote I have seen on this subject comes from Joan
Elizabeth Lloyd:

"Giving any part of yourself in a loving or sexual way is always
cheating, unless you have an understanding. Lying is always cheating."

Joan E. Lloyd: Is Cybersex Cheating?
http://www.joanelloyd.com/fbcheat.htm

Your fiancee, by carrying on an email romance with another man, is
betraying your trust, even if she does not meet the man in person (and
the fact that she apparently planned a face-to-face meeting only makes
the betrayal more distressing.) Such a serious pattern of deceitful
behavior seems, to me, to be every bit as bad as an actual real-life
affair, which would involve a tangled web of lies in much the same
way.

Of course, before you break off the relationship, you need to ask
yourself whether there is any possibility of reconciliation with your
fiancee. If you love her enough to have proposed marriage, you are
obviously deeply committed to her. It might be very helpful for the
two of you to see a relationship counselor. Many churches offer this
kind of counseling, and there are also professional therapists who
specialize in couples counseling.

Are you justified in breaking off your engagement? Here is a blunt,
but insightful comment on the subject of premarital infidelity that I
found in an exchange of opinions by several members of a discussion
forum:

"The commitment... is not there. It will not be there just because
they have a fancy party and exchange rings."

Garden Web Forums: Unfaithful Before Marriage
http://ths.gardenweb.com/forums/load/marriage/msg0401062215199.html

Regarding the issue of whether she should give back the ring, the
traditional view has been that the person who breaks the engagement
forfeits any claim to the engagement ring. There is an excellent
discussion of the customs and legalities of the matter in this article
by Joanna Grossman:

FindLaw: Who Gets the Engagement Ring When the Wedding is Off?
http://writ.news.findlaw.com/grossman/20011023.html

Although it is customary for the ring to be retained by the woman in
cases where the man breaks the engagement, I would say that there is
an unwritten rule that applies to circumstances like yours, where the
breaking of the engagement is done for well-defined reasons concerning
a serious breach of trust. If a relationship is severed because of
adultery (or its premarital equivalent,) the ring belongs to the
betrayed person.

As you can see from the FindLaw article, there is no agreement among
courts of law on this issue. Neither, I think, will you find unanimity
of opinion among your friends and family. This is a very painful
situation with no easy remedy for either you or your fiancee.

You don't know me, and I have given you no background information that
would lead you to hold my opinion in high regard. But, for what it is
worth, I do believe that if you are certain you wish to terminate your
engagement, you have every right to repossess the engagement ring,
which symbolized a state of commitment and trust that, sadly, are no
longer present because of your fiancee's actions.

Whatever your decision, please do not let this unfortunate experience
embitter your soul. Although you have been hurt, and your relationship
with your fiancee may be over, you can choose to forgive. Forgiving is
not the same thing as excusing; in forgiving her, you will not be
saying "What you did was OK." But you will be sending the message "I
do not hate you, and I will not cause both of us further pain by
holding a grudge against you."

One last link. If you need to talk to someone anonymously about this,
the Forgiveness Web has an excellent message board. You can remain
anonymous while sharing the details of your situation, and you can
benefit from the experiences of others.

Forgiveness Web
http://www.forgivenessweb.com/

Search strategy:

"is cybersex cheating"
://www.google.com/search?hl=en&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&q=%22is+cybersex+cheating

"give back" + "engagement ring"
://www.google.com/search?hl=en&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&q=%22give+back%22+%22engagement+ring

Best wishes,
pinkfreud

Dear Slybone,

In addition to the excellent answer pinkfreud has given you, let me
share with you my favorite etiquette authority's view on socially
correct behavior after breaking an engagement:

"DEAR MISS MANNERS: 

You stated that if a woman breaks her engagement, she should give the
ring back. What if a man breaks it off?  I've been engaged for about
six weeks.  My dad came down with lung cancer and had to have
around-the-clock care.  My mother works, and I have an eleven year-old
daughter.  The other kids are out of town, so it was up to me to help
all I could. This guy said I had too many duties to my parents and
Tammy, so he wanted his ring back.  I'm not going to give it back.  He
says he's going to take me to court. That's the only way I'm going to
give it back.

GENTLE READER:

Going to court is the only chance you may have of keeping it.  Miss
Manners is not a lawyer, but she is not going to let you keep it on
social grounds.  The laws of etiquette absolutely require you to
return an engagement ring when the engagement is broken, for whatever
reason, and by however nasty a fiancé."

[ Source:  Miss Manners' Guide for the Turn of the Millennium - Judith
Martin (aka Miss Manners).  Page 572, under the heading of "Punitive
Measures". ]

It is customary for the ex-fiancé to offer to allow his former fianceé
to keep the ring "as a remembrance", but social custom dictates that
the lady politely refuse and protest that she "absolutely couldn't",
and return the ring.  It's considered quite rude to keep the ring,
because of the symbolism associated with an engagement ring.


--Missy

I want to add that you do not need to muddle the issues of reading her
email, her carrying on an online romance, and ending the engagement.

As others have pointed out, she should offer the ring back.  You know
her better than we do, but if you don't anticipate that she will
behave appropriately and offer to return the ring, you could consider
this:
"I would like to ask that we end our engagement and that you return
the engagement ring".

In your circumstance, you need not feel guilty about ending the
engagement and requesting the ring back.  However, you do not need to
explain to her that you ran across some emails that confirmed a
long-standing suspiscion that she was involved in an online romance. 
If she asks for explanation, one might begin with the fact that you
feel like she is keeping things from you and it makes it difficult to
begin a marriage based upon trust, under the circumstances.  The fact
that these feelings of distrust are now confirmed by these emails is
really secondary.

Good luck to you, and while I know the temptation is to unleash anger,
deal with you fiancee with as much compassion as you can muster.

Ooops.  I was confused.  The engagment is over.

I meant to also say that my rule of thumb is... if it ends before a
wedding occurs, ask for the ring back.  If it ends after a wedding
occurs, allow her to keep the ring.

Just a quick comment: you would probably be better asking for the ring
back purely on the grounds that you broke off the engagement in June. 
If you mention the emails, you could make life difficult for yourself.
 I think that reading somebody else's private emails is the same as
opening a letter addressed to someone else, ie it is a legal offense. 
Perhaps another commenter with more legal knowledge will tell you for
sure.