I've been invited to a wedding next Friday, here in England.

Unfortunately, the bride looks like a horse and she rather scares me.
She might even bite.

I am toying with the idea of wearing a Plague Mask.

Would this be considered bad form?

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Request for Question Clarification by omnivorous-ga on 03 Apr 2005 07:09 PDT

Bryan --

Wouldst thou be open to alternate suggestions, such as the option
excercised by the groom's brother, David, in "Four Weddings & a
Funeral"?

You could wear a fake chancre sore perhaps?  Or sport a veil.  

Being a former military man, you might salute her to pre-empt the buss.  

What does the Queen do, should a commoner try to kiss her?  

Best regards,

Omnivorous-GA

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Clarification of Question by probonopublico-ga on 03 Apr 2005 09:00 PDT

Omni,

Knowing that thee are omnidextrous, I would welcome any advice that
thou should pass my way.

I am sorry but not being a hallowed researcher, I am not allowed to
answer thy question about the queen.

Go thee for an answer, oh Learned One.

Trooper Clough

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Request for Question Clarification by omnivorous-ga on 03 Apr 2005 10:29 PDT

Alas Bryan, I'll leave the answer to one of the Google Answers
researchers who is closer in spirit to Amy Vanderbilt.

Or perhaps there's an answer in here somewhere:
Miss Manners
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/style/columns/missmanners/

I'll provide alternate defenses:

Cigar
http://www.ebok.no/open.ebok.no/images/1777-993213650.jpg

Cigarette holder
http://www.austin.cc.tx.us/lpatrick/his2341/FDR_Cigarette.jpg

Hat:
http://www.azschmidts.net/images/Palace%20guard.jpg

Helmet (though the Royal Hussars have one of their own)
http://www.ucgsingles.org/2002FOT/Britain/Horse-Guard.JPG

A mustache is likely to work with all but the most intrepid of brides:
http://www.easterncoastcostume.com/Pages/mustache/5136.jpg

Best regards,

Omnivorous-GA

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Clarification of Question by probonopublico-ga on 03 Apr 2005 22:20 PDT

Omni

Say no more!

I fully understand.

Many thanks for everything.

I was hoping that you might have offered to fly over in your biplane
and spook the horses.

Perhaps next time?

Bryan

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Clarification of Question by probonopublico-ga on 04 Apr 2005 21:59 PDT

Throwing Quaker Oats is an excellent idea!

I will pass the word around.

They were planning to show something on tv but the postponement means
that there's now no room in the schedules.

I have the listings for next Saturday and NOTHING!

Come to think, I have made other arrangements myself ...

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Clarification of Question by probonopublico-ga on 09 Apr 2005 23:24 PDT

The Quaker Oats did the trick!

Many thanks to all.

Half an apple given on the palm of a flat hand might distract her.

But the big question is, what if the groom, who is apparently blessed
with very large ears, will hear this whole discussion?

I gather that the ears were pinned back some time ago
- his hearing might be less directional nowadays

Anyway, Probo is an ex-cavalry officer, he should know about horse handling.
- or should I say 'whispering' - he could calm her with his hands.

Personally I don't see what all the fuss is about.
Despite his appalling upbringing, the groom seems to have some sensible ideas
- and from earlier photos of the mare, I would have been sorely
tempted to take her for a gallop.

My proboscis detects election attention diversion.

Frde, 

You have one of the most bizarre tastes in women. Perhaps, more
bizarre than those who frequent GA to ask about Pakistani actresses
and the such.

Jerry ...

Where on earth did you get the idea that 'Probo is an ex-cavalry officer'?

This is a falsehood and a slur!

I was a Trooper in the 10th Royal Hussars which - believe it or not -
was mechanised, so we rode around in tanks.

Why I never even rode a horse when I was in the cavalry, they were
reserved for the officers.

Indeed, I have only ever tried to ride a horse once and I fell off.
That was enough.

However, I do look pretty good on a donkey.

For your information, Beau Brummel and Norman Wisdom also served in
the 10th Royal Hussars but not contemporaneously with me.

@politicalguru-ga 

- I am bemused by the Pakistani Prostitutes

There was a Malay girl, a long time ago, but it was in a diffrent country
- besides ...

Jerry ...

Have you been on the sauce, yet again?

PolyGuru spoke about 'those who frequent GA to ask about Pakistani ACTRESSES
and the such'.

You expressed bemusement at her supposed reference to 'the Pakistani PROSTITUES'.

Shame on you!

10th ROYAL HUSSARS, (the Prince of Wales's Own)

Yes, indeedy, Kemlo

10th ROYAL HUSSARS, (the Prince of Wales's Own).

Now, how did YOU know that?

Our motto was 'Ich Dien' ... Yeah I know ... but it really was in the
British Army ... I think.

Hiya Bryan...

Well, as far as kissing the horse...<oops> I mean bride..

May I suggest that you carry a rather long snake in your arms? Most
*brides* are very skittish around snakes, so perhaps she'll just bolt
as you come nigh..

My 2 cent only.

PS: Does this mean I have have to kiss the groom??? EEGADS!!

Steph53

"Brides, skittish about snakes"?  Only the youngest fillies with
apprehensions of things to come.
As an old Hussar, it is your duty (ich dien  = I serve,  but no
slices, please) to follow your Colonel without any questions
(especially here!).
Actually, this is an extremely well and long planned occasion,
anticipating the recently raised questions .... E VIII all over again 
- I hope.
Just pucker up, it is the least you can do for the future of the realm

Oh: WS  For a nail ... a shoe ... a horse ... my kingdom (or something like that).

OH, Probo, an afterthought: thou art well a Quaker, me think, that
thou useth "thee" in the nominative case.
Check back with Moss Bros., maybe they can change your reservation for
your old Hussar's uniform to something more appropriate.
Hmmm?  I thought they were pacifists.

one day's reprieve!!!
Bryan, you're in luck.  Do you live in London?  Get up to St. John's
Wood, to the Royal Horse Artillary and practice.  You can catch them
in the early morning returning from their outing. Don't worry about
their gender; they probably are all either potential brides or
geldings, past worrying about what they are.
If you don't live in London, you will know somewhere else to go and practice.

Perhaps, instead of observing the custom of throwing rice at the happy
couple, you should toss a handful of oats. ;-)

Quaker's Oats, only please.  If they aren't sold in the UK, there
still is time to ask Pink to federal express a box to you.  (I think
15 is the magic number, after which over-eager commenters turn back
into pumpkins for 24 hours.)

> They were planning to show something on tv but 
> the postponement means that there's now no room 
> in the schedules.<

Bryan --

I think that you sent that joke right over the
heads of several of we naifs.  I didn't realize
that you were talking about Ms. Barker Howles.

Best regards,

O.

Oh, O

You are making me dizzy ...

First you got to the top of the hill ...

And then you come down again.

Just like the Grand Old Duke of York (when Fergie wasn't looking).

Bryan,
Whatever Miss Manners (or is that, mismanners?) says, when you are
making small talk, don't ask which of one enjoys riding the most.
And don't start to feel your oats (makes them clumpy), just sow them and leave.

Bryan --

The Wall Street Journal (front page no less!) says that the wedding
everyone in the U.K. is watching this weekend is Ken and Deidre, of
"Coronation Street."  Quoth the Journal, "British Soap-Opera Couple
Have Ups and Downs Similar to the Royals."

Best regards,

O.

Bryan, 
My German newspaper devoted a page to the subject today, much in your
line of thinking and apparently the latest from the UK papers, and
wrote under the picture of the happy couple something that included: 
the last official maitresse at court.  A bit tart I find.  Will he
wear his favorite (sorry, favourite)  jacket with the red collar and
cuffs?
You might check my g-a related question; clarifcation with the last word.

Have a good weekend,

Put