Hello Izzy54-ga,
To me, it sounds like your friend is in an emotionally or verbally
abusive relationship with her husband.
Some of the signs of a abusive relationship are jealousy,
possessiveness, emotional withholding, lack of intimacy, infidelity,
verbal abuse, threats, power plays, Tries to isolate you by demanding
you cut off social contacts and friendships, Abuses drugs or alcohol,
and control games. These are all things you mentioned in your question
your friend is going through. Trying to scare her by saying she would
not get the children is a form of intimidation and controlling by
fear.
Sources:
http://www.recovery-man.com/abusive/abusive_signs.htm
http://www.recovery-man.com/abusive/abusive.htm
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Many abusers have what is called Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Narcissism is: ?A pattern of traits and behaviors which signify
infatuation and obsession with one's self to the exclusion of all
others and the egotistic and ruthless pursuit of one's gratification,
dominance and ambition.?
Most narcissists (50-75%, according to the DSM-IV-TR) are men.
Sources:
http://samvak.tripod.com/npdglance.html
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?Abusive relationships are marked by attempts by the abuser to isolate
their partner from social interaction. This is due to jealousy and to
an unconscious awareness that outsiders will see the relationship
dynamics and attempt to intervene. (Any signs of independence in their
partner triggers deep seated abandonment fears and jealousy.) The
enforced isolation of abusive relationships also creates an ideal
climate for the progression of addictions in one or both partners.
(Isolation is a common characteristic of addict / alcoholics.?
Sources:
http://www.recovery-man.com/abusive/abuse_rel_types.htm
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Abusers usually deny the abuse when confronted with the issue at
first. ?There are many types of denial. When confronted by his
victims, most abusers tend to shift blame or avoid the topic
altogether.
1. Outright denial
Typical retorts by the abuser: "It never happened, or it was not
abuse, you are just imagining it, or you want to hurt my (the
abuser's) feelings"
2. Alloplastic defense.
Common sentences when challenged: "It was your fault, you, or your
behavior, or the circumstances, provoked me into such behavior"
3. Altruistic defense
Usual convoluted explanations: "I did it for you, in your best interests"
4. Transformative defense
Recurring themes: ?What I did to you was not abuse - it was common and
accepted behavior (at the time or in the context of the prevailing
culture or in accordance with social norms), it was not meant as
abuse"
Sources:
http://www.faqfarm.com/Q/How_do_you_get_an_abuser_to_recognize_the_abuse_for_what_it_is
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Some of the things you can do are listed here. Both sides have to
work on changing an abusive relationship. They recommend group
therapy, and say it is very hard to heal without both sides
participating in some therapy. If one refuses to seek therapy or
change, it is best to remove yourself from the situation. Do not let
the cycle of abuse continue. Seek help on your own, away from your
partner.
?It is clear that each abuser requires individual psychotherapy,
tailored to his specific needs - on top of the usual group therapy and
marital (or couple) therapy.?
If someone is being abused, the one thing they need is someone to hear them.
?People who are abused often feel like it's their fault - that they
"asked for it" or that they don't deserve any better. However, abuse
is never deserved? If you have a friend who is being abused, he or she
needs your patience, love, and understanding. Your friend also needs
you to encourage him or her to get help immediately? let your friend
know that he or she has your full support.?
Sources:
http://www.recovery-man.com/abusive/abusive.htm#If%20you%20are%20in
http://kidshealth.org/teen/your_mind/relationships/abuse.html
http://www.faqfarm.com/Q/What_psychological_tests_discover_an_abuser
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Here is some information I encourage you to take and print out for you
friend when you discuss this. It has a lot of questions and
information to help her see the abuse and what she can do about it.
What is your relationship like?
? Do you feel that something is wrong with your relationship, but you
do not know how to describe it?
? Do you feel that your partner controls your life?
? Do you feel that your partner does not value your thoughts or feelings?
? Will your partner do anything to win an argument, such as put you
down, threaten or intimidate you?
? Does your partner get angry and jealous if you talk to someone else?
Are you accused of having affairs?
? Do you feel that you cannot do anything right in your partner's eyes?
? Do you get mixed messages, such as the reason you are abused is
because he loves you?
? Are you told that no one else would want you, or that you are lucky
your partner takes care of you?
? Do you have to account for every moment of your time?
? When you try to talk to your partner about problems, are you called
names such as bitch or nag?
? Are you prevented from going to work or school, or from learning English?
? Does your partner threaten to withdraw your sponsorship or send you
back to your country of origin?
? If you wish to spend money, does your partner make you account for
every penny, or say you do not deserve anything?
? After an argument, does your partner insist that you have sex as a
way to make up?
? Does he use the children against you in arguments? Does your
partner threaten that you will never see the children again if you
leave?
? Does your partner blame you for everything that goes wrong?
How are you affected?
? Are you unable or afraid to make decisions for yourself?
? Do you do anything you can to please your partner or not upset him?
? Do you make excuses for your partner's behavior?
? Are you forgetful, confused, or unable to concentrate?
? Have you noticed changes in your eating, sleeping, alcohol or drug use?
? Have you lost interest or energy to do the things you used to?
? Do you feel sick, anxious, tired, or depressed a lot of the time?
? Have you lost contact with your friends, family, or neighbors?
? Have you lost self-confidence and feel afraid that you could not make it alone?
What can you do about it?
? Realize that emotional abuse is a serious problem and you can get help.
? Recognize that emotional abuse is as bad as or worse than physical abuse.
? Take your own safety and the safety of your children seriously.
? Know that emotional abuse can lead to physical violence or death.
? Know that you are not to blame for your partner's abusive behavior.
? Find people to talk to that can support you. Consider going for counseling.
? Do not give up if community professionals are not helpful. Keep
looking for someone that will listen to you and take emotional abuse
seriously.
? Recognize that you have the right to make your own decisions, in
your own time, and that dealing with any form of abuse may take time.
? Trust yourself and your own experiences. Believe in your own
strengths. Remember that you are your own best source of knowledge and
strength, and that you already have the tools you need to survive.
Source:
http://www.womanabuseprevention.com/html/emotional_abuse.html
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Google Searches used:
Emotional Abuse
://www.google.com/search?hl=en&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&q=emotional%20abuse&btnG=Google+Search
Abusive Relationships
://www.google.com/search?hl=en&q=abusive+relationships&btnG=Google+Search
If this answer requires further explanation, please request
clarification before rating it, and I will be happy to look into this
further.
Nenna-GA
Google Answers Researcher |
