I would like to establish why and/or how the "umbilical cord" could
still exist between a 17 year girl and her mother, and if this is
normal / abnormal behaviour for a young adult.

---

Request for Question Clarification by politicalguru-ga on 16 May 2005 06:41 PDT

Dear Falcon, 

Since it's pretty obvious that you're discussing a metaphorical
"umbilical cord" , could you please give examples?

- Does she refuse to sleep without you being around? 
- Does she refuse or has she got excessive fears of leaving home (for
college, adulthood, etc.)?
- Do you just feel very connected, talk a lot, no "rebellion" on her side?

---

Clarification of Question by falconway-ga on 17 May 2005 00:16 PDT

The second and third questions are relevant.  She is virtually a
shadow to her mother.  Hates being alone at any time really.

---

Request for Question Clarification by czh-ga on 17 May 2005 01:54 PDT

Hello falconway-ga,

The way you've phrased your question and clarification seems to
indicate that you are looking for information on how to help someone
you know because you think that the relationship between the 17-year
old daughter and her mother is too close. Separation and individuation
are the developmental tasks for the teen years but what is normal for
this stage has many variables. Usually the issue is the degree of
conflict and disagreement between mother and daughter instead of
reluctance on the part of the daughter to separate.

It is difficult to address your question without knowing more about
the situation. What is your relationship to the mother and/or
daughter? Has either of them asked for your help? Why do you think the
relationship is not age-appropriate? What kind of information are you
looking for? Where are you located? There are many cultural factors
that influence what is viewed as "normal" for the parent/child
relationship.

Here's an article that might help you articulate your question in
greater detail. The more information you can share about the context
of your question, the more likely someone will be able to get you the
information you need.

http://abclocal.go.com/wls/news/010505_cwk_mother_daughter.html
Mother - Daughter Dynamic

I look forward to your clarification.

~ czh ~

---

Clarification of Question by falconway-ga on 17 May 2005 05:43 PDT

I am not really sure how to clarify this further.  I suppose I was
really hoping for some studies that would clearly show that this was
normal behaviour. But as you have so rightly pointed out, that a
normal mother/daughter relationship is usually full of conflict and
disagreement, and in this case it is the opposite.

It is my daughter, and yes I have some concerns, that for a girl of
this age, she is still too attached to me, and without forcing the
situation, I would like to encourage her to find some independence.

The articles you have posted here all discuss conflict and
misunderstandings, but this is not the case.

Hello falconway-ga,

Thank you for the clarification. It definitely gave me additional
information to help you with your question. There is a tremendous
amount of information available to help you evaluate your situation
and develop a plan of action. Since you?ve given very little
information about yourself and your daughter it is difficult to assess
whether your relationship is well within the normal range or whether
you and your daughter ought to seek help. I?ve collected a variety of
resources to help you decide for yourself.

I?ve grouped the resources so you can better organize your
explorations. I suggest that you begin with a review of what are the
normal stages of human development and then progress to the materials
on mother/daughter relationships. Finally, you should take a look at
the information about Separation Anxiety. After this research you
should be able to determine whether you need to seek professional help
for your daughter, yourself or your family.

Fortunately, there are lots of resources available to help you with
your concerns. I wish you well for your daughter and yourself.

~ czh ~


=================================
STAGES OF CHILD/HUMAN DEVELOPMENT
=================================

http://www.childdevelopmentinfo.com/site_map.htm
Child Development Institute

http://www.childdevelopmentinfo.com/development/teens_stages.shtml
Adolescent Stages of Development

http://www.childdevelopmentinfo.com/development/piaget.shtml
Stages of Intellectual Development In Children and Teenagers. 

http://www.childdevelopmentinfo.com/development/erickson.shtml
Stages of Social-Emotional Development In Children and Teenagers.

***** This site offers a wealth of information about the stages of
child development. I?ve included a couple of links to subjects that
are directly related to your question but you might enjoy browsing
through other topics as well.

-------------------------------------------------


http://parenting.ivillage.com/teen/topics/0,,4rsh,00.html
Teen Development

***** This site offers a dozen categories to help you explore how to
deal with your teenage daughter.

-------------------------------------------------


http://www.afterschool.gov/docs/Ages_stages_and_planning.doc
Ages, Stages, and Growth

Learn about the four aspects of ages, stages, and growth:
Cognitive Development, Social Development, Emotional Development, and
Physical Development.

***** This site offers appropriate activities for each stage to help
your child/teen grow.

-------------------------------------------------


http://www.coolnurse.com/female_forum.htm
We have many faces, but we are all FEMALE and we rock!

http://www.coolnurse.com/puberty.htm
Puberty 

http://www.coolnurse.com/teen_health.htm
Teen Health Topics

***** This site offers many articles that help you understand the
issues involved in coping with the teen years.

-------------------------------------------------


http://www.infed.org/biblio/lifecourse_development.htm
life span development and lifelong learning

'Development' is one of those familiar concepts that seeps almost
unnoticed into the conversations of educators.  They are
self-evidently concerned with the development of people. But what is
development? Are there particular stages that we pass through in our
life course?

***** This article gives you a good overview of the theories of human development.

-------------------------------------------------


http://ohioline.osu.edu/4-H/tl7.html
Background: Leadership - A Component Of 4-H Youth Development
Ages and Stages Milestones In Youth Development and Implications for
Leadership Development

***** This is an excellent overview of the stages of child and teen development.


===============================================
MOTHER / DAUGHTER -- INDIVIDUATION / SEPARATION
===============================================

http://www.passagesnw.org/VoicesPV_SD.htm
What Adolescent Girls Really Need: Their Mothers
By Sheryl Kent, Passages Northwest Program Director 

Conventional wisdom and traditional development theory both tell
mothers that they can best support their adolescent daughters by
allowing girls to separate from them. By resisting that advice,
however, mothers have an opportunity to stand by their daughters and
support them through this struggle. Connection, not separation, will
keep girls strong and whole. Through love and tenacity, mothers can
stay in relationship with girls through adolescence, while gently
guiding their growth toward adulthood.

-------------------------------------------------


http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0553374184/002-3685502-7652801?v=glance
Mother Daughter Revolution : From Good Girls to Great Women
by ELIZABETH DEBOLD, MARIE C. WILSON

From Publishers Weekly
How should mothers help their daughters face adolescence? Based mostly
on their joint research into the history and present status of women,
Harvard Project consultant Debold and Wilson and Malave, president and
vice-president, respectively, of the Ms. Foundation, respond to that
question in this intense feminist tract. Contending that "separation
is not necessary to a daughter's self-esteem," they further suggest
that with closeness to their daughters, mothers can "support girls in
resisting the unnecessary losses they experience in growing into
womanhood: losses of voice, of freedom, of power to do and be in the
world." The authors charge that popular cultural patterns are
aggravated by the "betrayal" of mothers, who, eager to avoid risk,
pass on to their daughters the self-negating attitudes that have been
considered desirable in women in a patriarchal society.

-------------------------------------------------


http://www.ucpress.edu/books/pages/5656.html
Lives Together/Worlds Apart: Mothers and Daughters in Popular Culture
Suzanna Danuta Walters 

In a discussion of popular media ranging from themes of maternal
martyrdom to maternal malevolence, Walters shows that since World War
II, mainstream culture has generally represented the mother/daughter
relationship as one of never-ending conflict and thus promoted an
"ideology of separation" as necessary to the daughter's emancipation
and maturity. This ideological move is placed in a social context of
the anti-woman backlash of the early post-war period and the renewed
anti-feminism of the Reagan and Bush years.

-------------------------------------------------


http://scholar.lib.vt.edu/ejournals/ALAN/winter95/Nadeau.html
The Mother/Daughter Relationship in Young Adult Fiction

***** This is a scholarly article with an excellent bibliography to
help you explore the issues of how a daughter separates from her
mother as she grows up.

-------------------------------------------------


http://www.wsi.org/journal2.html
THE MOTHER-DAUGHTER RELATIONSHIP: ECHOES THROUGH TIME

***** This book gives you a good overview of the psychological issues
involved in the mother-daughter relationship.


==============================
MOTHER / DAUGHTER -- RESOURCES
==============================

http://www.naturalawakeningsmag.com/resources/content/0505_Featured_Article_May
Mother / Daughter wisdom
Understanding the Feminine Legacy of Good Health an interview with
Christiane Northrup, M.D.
BY CYNTHIA CHATFIELD

As women encounter various life stages, we are called upon to create
ourselves anew. But unknown territory is scary. We naturally seek the
guidance and support of someone who?s been there before. Someone who
knows us well and can show the way. If she?s standing firm in her own
wisdom and power, it?s our mother who becomes our North Star, a beacon
of strength and practical counsel?

Dr. Christiane Northrup, America?s leading voice empowering women to
become active participants in their own physical, mental and emotional
development, now shares poignant insights as to how mothers can help
daughters grow up and move forward with confidence. And how both can
learn to live a joyous, creative and full life on their own terms.

-------------------------------------------------


http://www.socioweb.com/sociology-books/book/0553105736/
Mother-Daughter Wisdom : Creating a Legacy of Physical and Emotional Health
By: Christiane Northrup 

-------------------------------------------------


http://www.readinggroupguides.com/guides/woman_who_gave_birth.asp
The Woman Who Gave Birth To Her Mother 
by Kim Chernin

-------------------------------------------------


http://www.evanston.lib.il.us/library/bibliographies/daughter.html
Raising a Daughter

***** This is an excellent bibliography that will help you find books
to explore your situation in raising your daughter.


======================================
MOTHER / DAUGHTER ? SEPARATION ANXIETY
======================================

http://www.family.org/fmedia/askdrbill/a0030191.cfm
Separation Anxiety

Dear Dr. Bill: My middle child is a 12-year-old girl named Audrey.
Over the past few months she's been dealing with separation anxiety ?
she doesn't want me to leave the house without her. At age 12, her
older sister was trying to separate herself from me instead of
clinging. But Audrey says she misses me and when we're apart, she
feels like I don't love her. Nothing has changed in our family life
during this time, and our household seems "normal" with a great
husband and three children. Is Audrey's behavior a normal part of
adolescence?

-------------------------------------------------


http://www.emedicine.com/ped/topic2657.htm
Anxiety Disorder: Separation Anxiety and School Refusal

-------------------------------------------------


http://www.aboutourkids.org/aboutour/articles/about_anxiety.html
About Anxiety Disorders

Anxiety is a normal, natural emotion experienced by most human beings.
However, a youngster with an Anxiety Disorder experiences anxiety more
strongly and more readily than others, and has excessive worry to a
degree that interferes with the rest of his or her life. The anxiety
can be about separation, something catastrophic happening, being
judged, or it can be experienced in social situations. Children and
adolescents can also have symptoms typical of adult panic attacks.
Anxiety Disorders are most likely caused by a combination of
biological and situational factors. Parents and children can be
optimistic since Anxiety Disorders are among the most readily and
effectively treated mental disorders with cognitive behavioral therapy
and/or medication.

***** This is an excellent article to help you review the seriousness
of your daughter?s separation anxiety and can guide you to determine
whether you should seek medical assistance.

-------------------------------------------------


http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/entrez/query.fcgi?cmd=Retrieve&db=PubMed&list_uids=15122944&dopt=Abstract
http://www.profam.org/pub/nr/nr_1809.htm
Risk for separation anxiety disorder among girls: paternal absence,
socioeconomic disadvantage, and genetic vulnerability.

The authors examined genetic and environmental influences, including
the contributions of 2 measured aspects of the shared environment of
twins (paternal absence, socioeconomic disadvantage) on the
development of mother-reported separation anxiety disorder (SAD)
history in a sample of 1,887 female twin pairs. Four different symptom
categories of SAD were considered. Results revealed that all 4 SAD
symptom categories were significantly heritable, whereas the
contribution of shared environmental influences to the variation in
risk was significant for only 2 of the 4 SAD categories. Paternal
absence was found to have an important influence in vulnerability for
SAD, whereas the effect of socioeconomic disadvantage was less robust.
Evidence for race differences in the etiology of SAD was not found.

-------------------------------------------------


http://www.lpch.org/DiseaseHealthInfo/HealthLibrary/mentalhealth/sepanxty.html
Child and Adolescent Mental Health
Separation Anxiety Disorder

How is separation anxiety disorder diagnosed?
A child psychiatrist or other qualified mental health professional
usually diagnoses anxiety disorders in children or adolescents
following a comprehensive psychiatric evaluation. Parents who note
signs of severe anxiety in their child or teen can help by seeking an
evaluation and treatment early. Early treatment can often prevent
future problems.

-------------------------------------------------


http://www.klis.com/chandler/pamphlet/panic/panicpamphlet.htm
Panic disorder, Separation Anxiety disorder, and Agoraphobia in
Children and Adolescents



===============
SEARCH STRATEGY
===============

stages of child OR adult OR teen development
stages of teen social development
mother daughter stages
mother daughter separation anxiety
teen mother daughter separation  anxiety
teen "separation  anxiety"

"...and without forcing the situation, I would like to encourage her
to find some independence."

Hi Falconway,
The quotation from your last clarification suggests a very logical
change in the direction of your question, and with your first
clarification (point 2), gives rise to questions in my mind  - that
you, of course, don't have to answer here:

Is she immature for her age?  (I don't mean seriously immature, just
that bit behind her classmates that leaves her outside their
interests.)
Can you think of any incident in the past (or just a certain time)
when she became more attached to you, when she started to prefer your
company to that of her classmates?
Has she ever or never been involved in youth group activities, or gave
them up at some point?  (previous question)
Czh-ga and the website mention differences in M-D relationships in
different cultures  - and there are some contrasting cultures in
America (?) that are not  imported foreign cultures.  Could this have
any bearing?  What are your own involvements in the community?

No, you shouldn't answer these questions here, unless you think it
would really help find answers that you need.

In the discussions on the website, someone suggested that a mother
should try to show interest in what her daughter liked.  Returning to
the quotation, I hope that your daughter has some interests that you
both could both pursue outside the home, with other people in a stable
group in which she could feel accepted with you, and that accepted her
for her interest in the common activity.
It could be something new for you both - a language course or sport -
preferably something in which she could excel, giving her
selfconfidence and acceptance.

Enough questions and suggestions.
I hope they can be of some help.
Myoarin

When we are at home, she rarely leaves my side, and in fact will
follow me around the house, whilst I am doing my chores. She will go
wherever I go, even if it is to buy bread and milk from the local
shop.  It only adds pressure to the fact that I have two other
children who also need attention.
I will read through some of these articles you have provided and make
further comments once I have some insight.

Have you asked her why she feels the need to be so close?  Does she
have insight into the fact that her behavior is different from the
norm?  I guess I am thinking about one of our foster children who
recently left our home (she turned 18).  She never left me and we
discovered that she was very frightened in any situation that was not
completely familiar.  You would never have guessed it by her behavior
around the house!  She was treated with Zoloft for anxiety with a
great improvment.  She is still shy, but she has a full time job,
interacts with the public and is successfully paying her own bills.  I
know that running to a "pill" for a quick answer is distasteful, but
in our case it really did help the quality of her life.  She must be
afraid, that's what your description makes me think of.  Best of luck
to both of you.