Hi runningman...
It seems to me that, as is often the case in questions involving
relationships, the answer is contained in your question:
"At first it just seemed like we were friends because we were both
really shy and not very assertive with each other."
"We've had the "deep" conversations and we haven't been too
affectionate with each other."
"We've done the 'sitting close together', 'holding hands',
'hugging'; but it hasn't gone beyond that really. We've
talked about kissing and what not, but we both seem to chicken
even though it seems we both want to."
"However, as I was saying; as of lately here things seem to have
dulled down for me. I don't feel that 'excitement' of seeing her
like I used to. It seems the 'spark' has slightly gone out."
"She has also expressed concern for wanting more affection - but
i just get so nervous to do it, even though i like her so much."
"I would love for that spark to come back and i'd love for the
relationship to not end. She sometimes can be stressed out
easily and so i don't want to mess things up. I just want her
to be happy and for there to be "excitement" when we see each
other."
"i just need to be pointed in the right direction or need a kick
in the butt."
Tellingly, that last sentence is precisely the answer you're
seeking, which is often the case with personal disclosures.
I worked in the field of mental health for over 20 years, and
I can't tell you how often the last sentence in an initial
interview told me exactly what was being requested, if only on
the level of the subconscious, by the person being interviewed.
So, before I deliver the requested "kick in the butt", let's
look at what's implied by the other quotes I listed:
"At first it just seemed like we were friends because we were
both really shy and not very assertive with each other."
You're both shy and unassertive, and therefore you're both
disinclined to move beyond verbal communication to the more
committed and scary level of intimacy required in order to
communicate non-verbally, or by way of increased physical
affection.
"We've had the "deep" conversations and we haven't been too
affectionate with each other."
Again, an indication that you'd like to be more affectionate,
but haven't made the leap.
"We've done the 'sitting close together', 'holding hands',
'hugging'; but it hasn't gone beyond that really. We've
talked about kissing and what not, but we both seem too
chicken even though it seems we both want to."
Again, you both want to be more boldly affectionate, but are
"chicken" to make that seemingly dangerous initial move.
"However, as I was saying; as of lately here things seem to have
dulled down for me. I don't feel that 'excitement' of seeing her
like I used to. It seems the 'spark' has slightly gone out."
What you need to understand here is that what you feel in the
presence of another is product of what you feel by yourself, plus
what she feels by herself, plus what she feels in your presence,
*multiplied by* what you feel in her presence. What's important
to know is that it's much more than an additive process. It's not
just how you feel plus how she feels added together - it's how you
feel *multiplied* by how she feels, and vice-versa, back and forth.
This is the source of both the glory, and tragedy, of the
intensity which can result from intimate relationships.
Therefore, consider the very real possibility that when you
are having the feeling that the spark has disappeared from
the moments you spend together, that you are feeling this
as much because this is what *she* is feeling as because this
is what *you* are feeling - multiplied, intensified, and fed
back and forth between you. This would seem to be confirmed
by the next quote:
"She has also expressed concern for wanting more affection - but
i just get so nervous to do it, even though i like her so much."
And add in the quote from your clarification:
"...she has told me she's usually not the one to 'make moves'
you could say."
She's made it clear that she wants to take the next step into
intimacy, by way of less talk and an increased experience of
physical affection. It also seems clear that, being as shy as
she is, she expects you to take on the challenge of initiating
this step.
It's also clear that you are equally shy, even to the point of
adopting a lower-case "i" in the quote above which implies your
recognition of your responsibility to take the lead in this
matter, "...i just get so nervous to do it, even though i like
her so much", as well as in your final quote, in which you say:
"i just need to be pointed in the right direction or need a kick
in the butt."
There's no doubt in my mind that, as a result of your choice,
up to now, not to respond to her expressed interest in further
experiences in physical affection, she is feeling that the
"spark", or momentum, or life, has gone out of the relationship.
Independently of her, you are feeling the same thing, and when
you get together, you magnify this back and forth between you,
making it seem to be all that's left of the relationship.
In fact, it's merely that you're both feeling that blockage to
a deeper relationship, and that block will disappear as soon
as there is a response to it.
"I would love for that spark to come back and i'd love for the
relationship to not end. She sometimes can be stressed out
easily and so i don't want to mess things up. I just want her
to be happy and for there to be "excitement" when we see each
other."
Once again, you acknowledge (with a capitalized I) what you want
and what she has indicated she wants, but then the insecure "i"
in lower case expresses the fear of messing things up.
"i just need to be pointed in the right direction or need a kick
in the butt."
So here it comes. It seems clear to me that, in addition to being
admittedly shy, your girlfriend is of a traditional mindset that
says the the male should take the lead in matters of affection,
while she takes the more passive and receptive role. While both
you and she might wish this were otherwise, and while it might
well evolve so that she is more assertive in these areas, for the
time being, this is the way it is, and she needs you to demonstrate
how to take responsibility and take the initiative to assert both
your own desire and recognize hers. She may quickly learn from,
and become encouraged and emboldened by, your example.
At it's essence, responsibility means "the ability to respond",
and I would submit that your girlfriend has made it clear that
she wishes you to do so in this situation. She seems to have
given you clear verbal signals that you have, thus far, chosen
not to respond to.
One of the astonishing things that becomes much more clear in
relationships, especially subsequent to the beginning of more
intimate expressions of physical affection, is that there's
much more that "i", or "I", or even two "I"s involved here.
You will begin to see that by improving you ability to respond
to the other person's clearly expressed desires, and later, to
the desires that are expressed with such subtlety that they may
not even be aware of them, that you have grown beyond "i" or "I"
and have become an "us", or eventually, an "Us" (marriage), and
"i" and "I" are no longer as important, for either of you, or
as powerful in influencing the experience and direction of "us".
Additionally, one of the things which becomes more clear from
the practice of acts of physical affection, which, hopefully,
eventually becomes the "art" of lovemaking, is that in the
course of the ongoing learning process, it is discovered and
clarified that how we and/or our partner are feeling in any
given moment can be dramatically changed by the degree of
responsibility and degree of attention and intention we
choose to bring to that moment, and every moment, of our
ongoing relationship. By coming to recognize our power to
influence our partner for the better, we also realize our
ability to influence our own moods and feelings for the
better. Take two people who have learned this well, and
imagine *that* magnifying back and forth between them, with
no limit except of their own choosing, and you can begin
to comprehend the incredible potential of shared love,
combined with the wisdom that arises from it.
In short, I would suggest setting aside your thoughts about
"messing things up", and allowing yourself to feel, by way
of your heart and some deep breaths, how this flower has
opened itself to you, showing its beauty and inviting you
to move closer and partake of its fragrance. As long as
you're appreciative, you'll only be invited into a deeper
experience of her nature and your own, and that journey
has no end.
Please do not rate this answer until you are satisfied that
the answer cannot be improved upon by way of a dialog
established through the "Request for Clarification" process.
sublime1-ga |
Clarification of Answer by
sublime1-ga
on
04 Jul 2005 20:23 PDT
Hi runningman...
Notice, once again, how you ended your clarification with
the answer you already know to be true. ; )
At this point, I strongly suspect that she already knows what
you're thinking and feeling, and has already given you a clear
indication that no further words will be helpful (hence the
awkward silences).
I'm quite confident that she's dearly hoping that one day soon
you will simply, and wordlessly, lift her chin, gaze into her
eyes with a look that conveys how much you care for her, and how
well you understand how long she (and you) have been patiently
waiting for this moment, and lean forward to give her a kiss
that neither of you will ever forget.
No pressure though! LOL!
But, on a more serious note, it might help you to utilize a
desensitization exercise which is commonly used in cases of
phobias or just plain nerves.
Allow yourself to imagine that first kiss, and how you might
approach it, and how happily she might respond. Allow yourself
to experience how much you'd enjoy the prospect of expressing
your affection in this way, and summon up a sense of how much
affection you have for her, and how you might focus it into
this kiss. Notice any second thoughts you have, and address
them directly, telling them that you'll take the path of being
aware of her responses in that moment, rather than trying to
figure things out in advance. Notice any feelings of fear or
nervousness you have, and breathe into them until you're able
to proceed with an imagination of the kiss without them being
noticeable. Keep going with the vusualization until only good
feelings arise from it.
Lovemaking, like meditation, is *not* what you *think*!
If, when the moment comes, words come to mind that would seem
to add to the moment, rather than distract from or delay it,
then, by all means, express them. Just don't let out any words
which would stifle the feelings of affection you've nurtured
and turn the moment into yet another verbal conversation.
Keep in mind that your intention in that moment is to convey
your affection and appreciation in a way that you've never
done before with her, and hopefully, with a degree of sincere
feeling that she's never experienced before, and which words
will ever fail to convey to the same degree. Let those feelings
take precedence over thoughts and words.
Realize that words are only symbols of symbols of the real thing.
When I say the word "tree", it brings to your mind a vague image
of some generic tree, which is a poor representation of any real
tree, and doesn't begin to provide anything like the actual
experience of a specific real tree. So the word is the symbol of
an image, which is also just a symbol of the real thing. A group
of words, no matter how well-formed, are twice-removed from the
reality of physically-expressed affection, and can never take the
place of the real thing.
If a well-painted picture, which is but a symbol, is worth a
thousand words, then a touch is worth a thousand pictures.
Having once prepared yourself for the moment, as noted above,
this is the time to follow the Nike dictum: Just do it!
Best regards...
sublime1-ga
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