Can I obtain a restraining order against my 16 year old daughter's 18
year old boyfriend if I have no documentation of abuse? If I just hate
his controlling nature and want her away from him?

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Request for Question Clarification by nenna-ga on 11 Aug 2005 19:11 PDT

Can you tell me what state or county you reside in please?

Regards,

Nenna-GA

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Clarification of Question by sadmom-ga on 11 Aug 2005 23:31 PDT

I reside in Orange County, CA

Good morning Sadmom and thank you for your question.

In CA, there are four types of restraining orders.

A.  Domestic Violence Restraining Order can be used if a person has
abused you, and you have a close relationship with that person (for
example:  married, divorced, separated, dating or used to date, live
together or used to live together, however, a ?roommate? situation
does not apply), or you are related (parent, child, brother, sister,
grandmother, grandfather, mother-in-law, son-in-law) or you have a
child with the person.

B.  Civil Harassment Restraining Order can be used if you suffer
harassment by someone who is not close to you.  Harassment, in CA law,
is defined as violence, a threat of violence, or actions that really
scare, annoy or harass you, done on purpose and for no good reason. 
Civil harassment order can be used to protect you from roommates,
neighbors, and co-workers.

C.  Elder/Dependant Adult Protective Order can be used if you are 65
or older, or you are between 18 and 64 and have certain disabilities,
and you are a victim of physical or financial abuse, neglect,
abandonment or treatment that has physically or mentally hurt you.

D.  Workplace Violence Restraining Order can be used if you are an
employer (an employee CAN'T ask for a Workplace Violence Restraining
Order), and you seek a restraining order to protect an employee* who
has suffered violence or a real threat of violence at the workplace.

I think the closest one to your situation would be a Civil Harassment
Restraining Order, however, it is my understanding that because there
is no violence, harassment, threats etc, you may not get a hearing
before the Judge for a restraining order.  Typically, when you go to
court for your hearing, it helps to have proof of the harassment.  
You can bring things like witnesses, photos, medical or police
reports, damaged property, threatening letters, e-mails, or telephone
messages.  Telling the Judge that the boyfriend is no good in your
eyes and annoys you may not be enough to warrant a restraining order.

= = = = = = = = = = 

If you choose to try to get a restraining order, there are two steps
to the process:

Temporary Restraining Order:  This order is issued when a petition for
a permanent restraining order is filed in civil (non-criminal) court.
This order protects the victim while he/she is waiting for a hearing
on his/her request for a permanent restraining order. It usually
prohibits the respondent (restrained person) from contacting the
petitioner (victim).

The hearing on the permanent restraining order must be scheduled no
more than 20 days after the temporary restraining order is issued. The
respondent must be served with the temporary restraining order before
police can enforce the order.  Someone over 18 years of age?not you or
anyone else protected by the order? must ?serve? (give) the person to
be restrained a copy of the order.

If the court makes a temporary order, it will last until your hearing
date. At that time, the court will decide to continue or cancel the
order. The order could last for up to 3 years.

You can find all the forms you need to file a Civil Harassment
Restraining Order at the California Court Information site:

( http://www.courtinfo.ca.gov/selfhelp/protection/civharassform.htm )

If you ask for a temporary restraining order (Form CH-120), the court
will decide within 24 hours whether or not to make the order.
Sometimes the court decides sooner.

COSTS:

There is no fee in CA to file a Petition or Response relating to a
protective or restraining order in any action under Chapter 3 of Title
7, Part 2 CCP (Code Section:  CCP 527.6(o) & CCP 527.8(o))  However,
you will have to pay a fee to have the papers officially served if you
choose to do it by sheriff or process server.  You are entitled to
free service of the court?s order by a sheriff or marshal, ONLY IF the
order is based on fear of sexual assault or stalking.

The Orange County Sheriff?s Department charges $30.00 for a single
process (i.e. to serve one person).  You can contact the Sheriff?s
Department for more information at:

(714) 647-7000 or (949) 770-6011

= = = = = = = = = =

Restraining Order after the hearing:  This is the ?permanent?
restraining order issued by the court against the respondent
(restrained party) after a hearing in court. The court can only issue
a Restraining Order after the hearing if both the petitioner and the
respondent have been given notice about when and where the hearing was
going to occur. The respondent will have an opportunity to defend
him/herself at the hearing. However, if after being given proper
notice, the respondent does not come to the hearing, the court may
still issue the restraining order.

The Restraining Order after the hearing sets forth the specific
restrictions ordered by the court against the respondent and can last
up to three years. A victim may renew the order when it expires, if
necessary


I can tell you from my own life experiences that your daughter will
most likely come around given time and space.  I was the same way as a
teenager ? hanging out with the kids my parents didn?t approve of,
dressing provocatively, smoking, drinking, etc.  And the more my
parents pushed me and imposed rules upon me, the more I rebelled.  I
even ran away from home, like your daughter is threatening to do.  In
fact, the only thing that turned me around was the cops.  It was quite
a wake-up call for me but some kids need just that.  Perhaps she will,
too.  I know it must be tough on you, as a parent, to watch your
daughter in this situation, but take it from me ? pushing her to do
things she doesn?t want to do just might make it worse.

Here's that webpage with a lot of information and suggestions on
adolescent behavior.

Focus Adolescent Services
( http://www.focusas.com/) 

Take a deep breath, remember you're in control, and give them the love
(tough if needed) that they deserve. You sound like a good parent to
be so concerned.

If this answer requires further explanation, please request
clarification before rating it, and I'll be happy to look into this
further.

Nenna-GA
Google Answers Researcher

Sources:

Family Violence Law Center
( http://www.fvlc.org/gethelp_dvlawalameda.html )

California Courts
( http://www.courtinfo.ca.gov/selfhelp/protection/introresord.htm )

Orange County, CA Sheriff?s Department
( http://www.ocsd.org/ )

Thank you   very much for an excellent answer with extensive
information. I especially appreciate your personal story, that helps
me the most-I don't think at this point I could get a restraining
order since I don't have evidence of abuse, and maybe threatening it
was a mistake to try to get her to obey me. It is just so scary to let
her go and  worry what might happen. I will definitely look into that
website about adolescents. Thank you again.

Instead of going for the legal sledge hammer , how about talking to
your daughter first ? , secondly even if you enforce a restraining
order , what would stop your daughter from seeing him.

of course I have tried talking to my daughter-over and over and over.
She is threatening to run away with him if I try to tell her what to
do, so I am investigating my legal options, because I am legally
responsible for her until she is 18. He is not physically abusive that
I know of, but he does  not allow her to have any friends, and the
occasional times he works he "puts" her at his house to stay with his
mother until he gets off from  work. She is with him  every waking
minute and is refusing to go on a four day trip to visit her
grandmother whom she'd  agreed to go see, the plane ticket is already
bought, but he doesn't want her to go, and she asked what I would do
if she refused to  go and I said I'd look into restraining orders.
That's why I posted the question.

Hi there,

I really feel for you - I truly do, because I had the same thing
happen, but I was the 16 year old girl with the controlling 18 year
old boyfriend. (I'm 34 now).

He started out so nice, but then got very controlling, verbally
abusive and then led to physical abuse.  He did almost all the things
you mention in your post.  He tried very hard to stop me from going on
a trip with my family as well, but I went.  It's hard to say what to
do b/c when a 16 year old girl gets like that it's b/c she doesn't
have a lot of self-worth or self-esteem so she just let's the boy
control her.

My parents even tried having us (my boyfriend and I) go to a counselor
so we could talk about our relationship and future marriage.  The
counselor wanted to talk with me alone and my boyfriend freaked.  He
finally did leave me w/the counselor and all she said to me was "He's
a total loser.  He's trying to control you.  You need to dump him and
get rid of him."  Of course she was right, but you don't say that to a
16 year old who was in the mental state I was in at the time.  I went
home and told my parents they just wasted their money because she was
an idiot.

We were even engaged and had our wedding all setup, all the reception
planned, invitations ordered, etc, etc.   Lucky for me, a month b/f
our wedding, I found out that he went on a weekend trip with one of my
bridesmaids!  (looong story).  Anyway, literally with the strength
from God, I called him and told him it was over.  He begged to work
things out, but I stood my ground.  I finally woke up and realized
what he was doing to me.

With weeks of him trying to talk w/me (I wouldn't talk with him at
all), it ended with him showing up at my house very late one night (he
followed me home when i went out with friends), knocked on the door
and my dad answered.  He said he wanted to talk w/me and my dad said I
didn't want to see him and shut the door.  My ex-boyfriend proceeded
to literally knock down our entire front door (off the hinges!) and
ran up to see me.  My entire family was on the phone wiht 911!  He
didn't do anything to me b/c I told him the police were on the way. 
He took off, the police nabbed him, he spent the night in jail, we
went to court, he had to pay for the damages and I got a restraining
order.  We dropped the charges b/c I feared if he went to jail or got
any sort of record, he would take it out on me.

After that, he finally left me alone (oh, and it turns out he got my
bridesmaid pregnant, they got married, he did the same stuff to her
and now they're divorced).

When I was realizing how he treated me and that I needed to get out,
even though my parents were awesome and told me they'd always be there
for me, I was embarrassed.  I was embarrassed to admit to my parents
or my friends that he hit me.  I felt stupid and humiliated.  I am
quite sure that I was probably depressed now that I'm an adult and can
analyze how I felt from an objective point of view.  I finally told my
friends and family the entire truth about a year after the whole thing
ended.  They new he was controlling, but nobody guessed he was
physically abusive.

I'm telling you this to try to give you an idea of how I felt at 16
and what your daughter might be feeling.  I know it is very very very
hard on you to sit back and watch this happen.  The BEST thing you can
do is be there for her.  Tell her in a very honest and loving way that
you don't agree with this relationship, but you will always love her
and be there for her.  Tell her that she can always come to you guys
if she needs anything.  I know it's tough to hold back and not tell
her she's an idiot, he's a jerk and she's making a mistake.  She just
needs to know deep down inside that she can 100% count on you when she
finally makes the break.  Make it so she knows if she needs you, she
can come to you without ever hearing "I told you so."  My parents, to
this day, have never said "I told you so" about my ex-boyfriend.

Does she hang out with any of her friends anymore?  Is it possible for
you to talk with any of her friends and ask what they think about it?

Lastly, since he is 18 and she's a minor, you might be able to talk
with the police or a lawyer if they are sexually active (which I'm
sure they are).  If that's against the law where you live, you might
be able to play that card a little.  Oh, and on the subject of sex,
I'm sure they are sexually active so you have 2 concerns - pregnancy
and STD's.  Is your daughter taking birth control pills?  If not, I'd
suggest you get her on them ASAP.  Unfortunately, the boyfriend
probably would never wear a condom, so the STD issue will always be a
concern, but if you can get her on the pill, at least you won't have
to worry about a teenage mother and an extremely deadbeat father.

Good luck with all of this.  I don't envy you and I know how
incredibly stressed you must be.

Take care,  Christie

Dear Christie,
Thank you so much for your story and words of encouragement. It seems
I have a long road ahead of me and I need to be strong-hearing people
say that they experienced this and came out on the other side OK gives
me reassurance. I  do believe my daughter is depressed-her father left
the family when she was just 7 years old for another woman, and  she
and her two brothers endured a lot as I was very emotionally
distraught for a long time. Eight years have passed and I am much
stronger, and have chosen to remain single until my  children are
adults (the boys are 11 and 14). This past year was my daughter's
first year in high school and she became a punk, dying her hair black,
wearing chains, etc. She met her boyfriend who had finished high
school (though they lied and said he was a senior, thinking I wouldn't
let them date, but I found out a few months later). The thing is, I
really do like him-he is a really sweet guy, but he just isolates my
daughter from everything that does not involve him. I wonder if his
being Mexican has anything to do with it, because  he's been in the
U.S. since he was  2 and perhaps this is how he has seen  his parents
relate. I also worry because his older brother got his 17 year old
girlfriend pregnant, and they have been married for 3 years now (the
brother is now 24) and my daughter and her boyfriend, though they say
they aren't having sex ( I don't really believe it, and if they're not
I expect them to) and don't plan to follow in the brother's footsteps,
they do talk  of them as  sort of a "success story"-like being married
3 years  is a big deal! I was married  10 before my ex cheated! He is
now married to the woman he left me for, and back in October he told
my daughter (whom he only was seeing once a week   for  dinner) that
he  didn't want anything to do with her dressing as she was, and  
dating someone he didn't approve of. He hasn't seen her since, though
he still sees the boys. So he basically abandoned her, and I think she
has replaced him with her boyfriend. She does not see that he controls
her-she says she does what he wants because she wants to. Well now you
know the whole story whether you wanted to or not! Thanks  for your
advice..I don't think I can get a restraining order at this point; I
don't think I could prove any abuse. I don't really even want to get
rid of him, I just want him to stop controlling her! But that's what
so many women think, that they can change their  partner, and it never
works. I hope my daughter sees  this for what it is before something
really bad happens.

Sadmom ? thank you very much for that rating.  I read your comment
below and it does seem to me that she might be acting out because she
is emotionally upset about something.  When my son was 4 years old, I
divorced his father.  I began to notice in both my children a definite
behavior change, but more so in my son.  He began acting out at
school, was continuously in the principals office for biting, hitting
and talking excessively.  I knew the behavior was abnormal so I sat
him down with his father and talked.  It turned out that he was very
upset with the breakup and this was his way of showing it.  Some
children are not good at voicing their emotions.  You just have to let
them know that you love them, no matter how the dress or act.  And
that you will be there for then, no matter what happens.  My children
are older now and they know that though I don?t agree with things they
do or the people they associate with, that I will love and protect
them at all costs.  Perhaps you and your ex husband need to have a
talk with your daughter as well.  If he refuses, then it?s up to you
to let your daughter know that she has at least one loving parent she
can turn to when and if the world crumbles beneath her feet.  Best of
luck to you and your daughter.

Nenna-GA

And we other parents thought raising our kids was difficult!
My respects to those who really have to cope, especially to Nenna, who
also manages to help others with her experience.

Sadmom, 
If you like him, and it seems that fighting the situation is not the
solution, maybe rather aggrevate it, what about trying to include him
and hope that you can impart your feelings and social orientation. 
Are his parents separated ("'puts' her with his mother")?
Of course his background has something to do with it, from your point
of view  - the fact that you mentioned it -  and because of obvious
differences about age of marriage and towards education.
I agree with Nenna that you should talk to your ex  - maybe with these
texts as a basis -  and try to convince him  - no, with the hope of
convincing him - that just now is when your daughter needs a father's
support instead of rejection, that the latter is removing the one
other male role model she has.
And Cnader's precautions about sex.  Besides suggesting the Pill, you
might arm yourself with some information about teen-aged mothers.  If
you can't talk to her/them about it, you could leave it around the
house to be found.

All the best to you both, Myoarin

To address the last comment, you must not have read everything I wrote
( I responded to comments twice, adding additional information),
because then you would know that I said I actually liked her
boyfriend, and I didn't have a problem with his age; I myself had an
18 year old boyfriend at 16, and you're right in that young men can be
less mature than girls their own age. I see my daughter and her
boyfriend as being very similar maturity-wise. I was inquiring about
restraining orders because my daughter was refusing to obey me by
going on a 4 day trip to visit her grandmother that she had agreed to,
and then was trying to back out on at the last minute, after her
grandmother had already bought the plane ticket, taken off from work,
and made plans for the visit. My daughter would not accept the fact
that she was being very rude  to consider cancelling at the last
minute, just because she   and her boyfriend didn't want to be apart
for  4 short days. She  said, "You   can't make me  go-what are you
going to do?" I  responded by saying that I'd  ground her from seeing 
him, the only thing I had to try and punish her with-when your child
is small you might  take away tv or toys, but that doesn't work at 16!
And if   my   daughter will not obey me, then I am essentially not a
parent-why should I have all the responsibility of supporting her but
no authority over her? But if she'd just run off  with him, I thought
I'd have to seek  something legal. Luckily I    was finally able to
get her to go, only after talking to his mother, and she   convinced
him to tell her to go! So he listened to his mother! And surprise
surprise, they both survived just fine. Though he had to show his
immaturity on her return by bragging that when out with his friends
without her, other girls were approaching him-reinforcing her
insecurity about losing him, and in this way,  controlling her, though
he says he doesn't. And you are showing your immaturity with your
childish  comment, "He's not your bf, is he?"  What a ridiculous thing
to say. As for your plans to move in with your boyfriend, go ahead and
join the millions of  silly females that cohabitate with their
partners with no foundation of marital commitment... the old saying
has never been more true-if you can get the milk  for free, why buy
the cow?

Hello Sadmom,
Good comment, and congratulations for being able to prevail!  
I hope the experience is a  positive influence for the future.
Myoarin

Since I'm pretty sure my daughter and her boyfriend have been checking
this page, let me tell Katie how much  love her, and Omar, I love you
too in the way a mom would love a son-in-law. You are a good guy even
though I have the right to complain about things if I want to-and
privately I might add! You know I didn't want a restraining order
against you because I think you are abusing Katie-of course I know
you're not. I threatened it to Katie as a last ditch effort to get her
to obey me. And when I say that you are controlling, it is not in an  
over the top, aggressive way-you don't tell Katie what to do, but you
influence her in a way that she  will do what you want, and do it
believing that she made her own decision-for instance, a simple thing
like the other day when I brought home  suishi, and Katie was eagerly
going to have some, and because you don't like suishi you said you
wouldn't kiss her if she ate it, so she tried to hand it back to me.
That's controlling! But in a very mild way... you scare her by
withdrawing your approval of her. Now this is behavior many people use
without thinking of it as controlling. I'm sure I do it too, with my
children and with my students. I guess I just don't like seeing it in
the context of your relationship....it makes me feel like Katie won't
be strong enough to be her own person out of fear of losing you. I
know you don't mean to make her feel insecure, and she'd probably say
she doesn't. But I'm looking at things from the experience of a 42
year old woman. You two think I'm just a silly old woman who doesn't
know anything, but you're wrong. I've been in enough long-term
relationships to have some knowledge about how they work. Anyway, you
guys have many years ahead of you to grow and mature, and I just need
to control my worries about whether you'll make the right choices-they
will be your choices, not mine. Someday you'll understand why I
worried. Just know I care about you both deeply, and Omar, I honestly
think you're a sweetheart. Now stop snooping on me over the
internet-that's my job, not yours!!! Love, Mom

I'm going through this situation right now. I don't know what i'm to do.
I'm over 18. my girlfriend is 16.
She came over to my house in the middle of the night. I did not know
before hand she was coming. I took her home because I didn't want her
walking home in the middle of the night. Apparently her father found
her room empty while she was at my place. He called the police. They
never talked to me though.
Her dad petitioned for a restraining order. A temporary order is in
effect until the hearing.
He has never told me to stay away. He just quit talking to me. She
definitly hasn't told me to stay away.
On the restraining order it has a check mark to waive the filing fees
because of fear of violence. Which I have never threatened. Ever. Can
I get him on perjury?
Can I get in trouble if the "protected" come to see me?
Can I get it thrown out because I've never been told to stay away?
you'd think the man would have spoken to me before seeking legal restraint.

Hi Callmeraymon,
You may have a better chance of getting a response if you post your
own question and also mention what State you are in.  Might read the
FAQs about pricing first.
I wish you luck, Myoarin

What is the deal with adults wanting to date minors anyway?? I feel it
is totally disgusting and lacks taste.
I want one of these people to ask themself a question. If you had a
child that is a minor, would you really want them to date an adult?
Minor boys are easy to manipulate by girls in general. They do not use
the brain they have. The sexual urges take over.
For minor girls, they are also fairly easy to manipulate, however,
they think with the heart, therefore it becomes easy for an adult to
get them to do sexual favors.
I personally, well, I told my daughter right off,"NO".  When her
friend told me that I was not being fair and that there was only a 5
year age difference, (daughter 16 boy 21), I told the little girl to
mind her own business, and that she herself is not my child, but my
daughter is, and I WILL DECIDE.
Yes I caught my daughter lying to me, but I also took swift measures. 
I know for some stupid reason there isn't a law against dating minors,
however, there are parents that will do what they feel they must to
keep the children safe.
This is MY child, I gave birth to her, I WILL DECIDE. The law wants to
make it to where an adult can date a minor, but want u to not punish
your children, I THINK NOT.
An adult who dates a minor is only after one thing, and I myself will
not allow them to take it from my daughter.
My opinion is, stand up against the adult and make your child listen.
They may say they will run away with the other person, however, it
won't last long.
A restraining order is nothing but words. That is how both will see it. 
Explain to your child that if this man really cares about her, he WILL
wait until she is an adult. And that he obviously does not respect you
or your wishes so she is in for a difficult time with this person who
obviously lacks respect for anyone, INCLUDING YOUR CHILD.

regarding nwad-ga's comment
First, I was surprised this old posting got a comment, but then again
the subject never gets old. I am the mom who posted that question, and
my daughter is still with her boyfriend after 16 months. They spend
every waking moment together that they are not in school; he is a
sophmore in college and she a sophmore in  high school; he arranged
his schedule to be able to meet her for lunch everyday. I will repeat
that their age difference is not an issue with me; he is  19 and she
is almost 17, that's not so huge a   difference. I really like him and
he treats her well, but he's just around TOO MUCH. I'm   choosing my
words carefully because I know that they can access this page; they
have read the previous postings. He is always polite and kind, is good
to my  two sons, and  does all manner of odd jobs around our house. My
ongoing concern continues to be that my daughter has no  female
friends and I have no contact with her without him around-I say he
needs to  go home by 10, and that curfew is consistently broken-yes,
I'm a wimp-I don't yell at him, "GET OUT! IT'S TEN O'CLOCK!" because
in the back of my mind I'm thinking of how he just hung a new door on
my  son's bedroom, drove my other son to the golf  course, fixed an
electrical outlet in my bathroom....I just want to know that my
daughter has the freedom to  grow into the adult she wants to  be
without any fear of rejection from her boyfriend-she says she doesn't
want friends, that he is her best friend. I want her to start working
this summer-will  he be sitting in his car in the parking lot,
wondering if she's talking to other guys? Wanting more than just him
and school? Will they end up like my sister, 40 and with two young
kids in school, married for 20 years to the guy she's been with  since
age 15, who she couldn't bear to be without for a minute, now wanting
to get as far away from him as possible because he  controls every
aspect of their lives? But willing to stick it out for her boys.....I
can't predict the future obviously. If my daughter eventually marries
her boyfriend she will have a good guy. But what if she wants more
than being in a house taking care of her husband and children (not a 
poor choice, but a narrow one for someone intellectually gifted as I
believe her to be). I'd get the hate mail from the stay at home, home
schooling moms if this was more broadly available to the public... I
have three children I love desperately and resented the fact that I
couldn't be home with them  full time when they were  young due to a
husband that insisted  I worked. But a husband who insists you cannot
work at all outside the home can  be equally resented, as is the case
with my sister. I don't know, I'm  getting so off the subject now, but
 due to the freedom of the internet, nobody can stop me! So if my
daughter and her boyfriend read this, you may not be able to  not be
offended. I do love you Omar, I just want my daughter to make her own
choices unfettered by another's needs. As a former wife and current
and forever mother, it is a small window of time that a woman who
eventually wants home and family has to make her own   choices free 
of another's feelings. I want that window open for her.