Hello tropical-ga
When people are suffering multiple losses in old age it either can
make people more resilient to grief or be overwhelmed by it. The
multiple losses occur as it does when the other important stages or
milestones in life are crossed, dating, marriage, having children,
having grandchildren, and finally dying. The older generation suddenly
find the friends who were once marrying, having kids at the same time
as them, are slowing disappearing around them. Losing a life-long
partner often is the most painful.
The following excerpt from WebHealing.com describes what grief is:
“Grief is related to desire. Whether the desire is large or small, if
it is not met, you will probably have grief. An example of a small
desire might be the experience of your computer crashing. Most of us
have a desire that our systems remain stable and when that desire is
thwarted we have a bit of loss and grief.
This example is not meant to trivialize grief, rather it is meant to
help bring the understanding that grief is a part of everyday life.
Experts are calling these small losses "micro grief". Our
understanding of our micro-grief can help us in dealing with the chaos
and overwhelming nature of the grief that follows a death.
You can think of all of the thwarted desires that arise when someone
we love dies. We want that person to be with us still, we desire their
presence, companionship, or blessing, we long for the connection we
once had, or possibly desire to say one last thing. We are assaulted
and many times overwhelmed by waves of desires that will never be
met.”
WebHealing.com by Tom Golden LCSW one of the top grief/trauma
therapists in the Washington DC metro area
http://www.webhealing.com/3grief.html
The following excerpt from Planet-therapy.com outlines some factors
which influence the impact of this loss:
“The experience of losing a partner is not easily defined. It impacts
people differently at different times in their lives. Factors that
affect how a person reacts to a partner's death include whether:
- the death is expected;
- the surviving partner is in a phase of life in which many of his
peers also face the death of a partner;
- whether the relationship is satisfying and enriching or unsatisfying
and prone to conflict.“
excerpt from Planet-therapy.com
Planet-Therapy.com
http://www.planet-therapy.com/problems/grief.html
There are many grief reactions associated with the death of a partner
and some are outlined from the following excerpt from Grief Link:
“- You may be very tired physically and emotionally from nursing your
husband, wife or partner and watching their decline. You may feel sad
and empty, relief that their suffering is over, or even anger that
they have gone and left you.
- You may feel as if half of you is missing or feel like an amputee
who has lost a limb. You may long for your spouse or partner to be
there for you as they usually were in the past when you were in
trouble. You may crave for them to put their arms around you and
comfort you.
- You have become a single person again. It may be difficult to adapt
to the loneliness of the evenings or of going out by yourself. You
will have to make more decisions alone. You may find you no longer
belong to your previous social group of couples and feel out of place
in social gatherings without a partner. You may also be faced with
explaining why you are alone when you meet new people.
- Widowers can be particularly prone to loneliness as it is often the
wife or female partner who makes the social contacts in couple
relationships.
- Your sexuality can be denied. You may feel a need for closeness and
intimacy, or sexual activity, which cannot be met as when your partner
was with you
- You have lost the practical support which your partner gave to the
relationship. You may have to take on and learn to do a lot of new
things. These may include such things as the banking and financial
management, cutting the grass, and car maintenance, or the cooking,
cleaning, and child care. These added burdens may cause you to feel
resentful and angry.
- You may feel the home is now too big and be tempted to move to
smaller accommodation or near to a son or daughter. It is best to wait
about a year before this decision is finally made, as many people who
have done this before have found they have become quite lonely after
moving away from their good friends, and they miss too many of the
family memories attached to their old home.
- Even if you were separated from your partner before their death, you
may still experience considerable grief which may relate to unresolved
issues, such as guilt and blame about the end of the relationship. You
may find some people expect your grief will be less or non-existent
because of your separation.”
Grief Link
http://www.grieflink.asn.au/partner.html
The following from The Fellow Traveller Online excerpt highlights some
issues that may complicate the grief issue:
“- Interdependence.
Many elderly widows and widowers will have been together for a
considerable number of years. It is likely that each partner will have
developed a strong attachment to the other and that they will have
developed strong roles within their relationship. Older people in such
relationships will often rely on their partner to fulfil certain
duties in their lives. These roles might be practical, for example,
who does the cooking or who mends the car. Alternatively, an older
person might rely on their partner to fulfil an emotional role, for
example, someone to talk to about their feelings or to have physical
contact with. When a spouse dies, it is normal for an older person to
have difficulty fulfilling the roles that their partner provided.
Older men, who have relied on their partners to fulfil practical tasks
such as housework may find it particularly difficult to cope with
everyday practical living, for instance.
- Multiple losses.
As a person ages, the number of deaths of close friends and family
members usually increases. The occurrence of such multiple losses can
cause older people to become overwhelmed by the events and this may
hinder their ability to fully complete the grieving process that is
essential for well-being to return. In addition to bereavements, older
people often suffer many other kinds of losses, such as the loss of
their mobility, the possible loss of their health or home or the loss
of their job through retirement. Carers need to be sensitive to these
losses and need to be aware that older people can experience an
overload of grief. Counselling can often be useful in helping older
people to come to terms with such multiple losses.
- Personal death awareness.
For many older people, the experience of losing their partners,
friends or family can bring about a heightened sense of their own
mortality. Some people may find this awareness of death too
uncomfortable and may benefit from discussing it with a trained
professional.
- Loneliness.
Many bereaved older people continue to live at the same home. This can
lead to feelings of intense loneliness. Older people are particularly
vulnerable to such loneliness when they are living in the marital
home.”
The Fellow Traveller Online Professional Bereavement Counselling &
Grief Therapy Services
http://www.users.globalnet.co.uk/~listen/grief4.htm
Grief in the elderly is also not limited to the loss of a life long
partner, but also to non-human companions such as pets who may be the
‘last’ companion in place of a human one. The following is an excerpt
from Grief Healing.com;
“Loss of a beloved pet is difficult under any circumstances, but it
can be particularly so for older people, whose most consistent
experience at this stage of life is loss. By now they have lost
parents, spouses, siblings, children or close friends to death. Their
physical strength, stamina and mobility have lessened. With
retirement, their identity with a prior occupation is lost, along with
the usual routine and the opportunity for socialization in the
workplace. If they're living on a fixed income, even their former
standard of living is lost.
Feeling deprived of so much, it's not surprising that older folks
develop such meaningful relationships with - and become so attached to
- their pets. Such attachments are significant and enduring, and meet
a whole range of physical and emotional needs.
Loving and caring for a pet enables the elderly owner to
- feel productive, useful and needed
- engage more actively in life, as the pet depends on the owner for
food, water, exercise and medical care
- feel companionship and closeness with another, thereby feeling
secure, protected, supported and not alone
- be motivated toward better care of the self, out of a sense of
responsibility for the pet
- feel touched, both physically and emotionally
- have someone to talk to and communicate with
- feel loved unconditionally.
Until we recognize the significance of the animal in an elderly
person's life, we cannot appreciate the magnitude of the loss and the
intensity of the grief. A pet may be the only family an older person
has, and when the pet dies, there is no family left. There is no
longer a sense of being needed. There is no care to give. There is no
warmth, no affection, no touching, no companionship, no one to talk
to, no one to sleep with, no one to feel important to. The house is
too empty, too quiet, too lonely. There is no stimulus to keep going,
to stay active, to take care of oneself lest the pet be neglected -
there is no structure or meaning in the daily routine. If the pet had
belonged to a deceased spouse or had been a gift from someone now
gone, the final symbolic link to the deceased loved one is lost. If
there is incomplete resolution of past losses, this pet's death can
trigger unresolved grief. It can also trigger the realization that
one's own health is failing, or that the later days of one's own life
are fast approaching.”
Grief Healing.com by Martha M. Tousley, RN, MS, CS
http://www.griefhealing.com/article9.htm
The Psychiatric Times has a report which indicates that the elderly
may be more resilient to grief than younger people. Excerpt from the
PsychiatricTimes.com article “The Elderly May Have Advantage in
Natural Disasters” by Elizabeth Fried Ellen, LICSW January 2001, Vol
XVIII, Issue 1
“Researchers from the University of Southern California (USC) and
Indiana University have found that elderly earthquake survivors may be
more psychologically resilient than younger adults in the wake of
natural disasters, a finding that may point to the need for more
concrete pre- and post-quake services. In the study (1999), Bob G.
Knight, Ph.D., and Margaret Gatz, Ph.D., looked at several generations
of earthquake survivors and concluded that the degree of prior
disaster experience versus chronological age was a predictor of their
post-earthquake psychological functioning. The more experience they
had, the less likely they were to be depressed.”
Psychiatric Times
http://www.psychiatrictimes.com/p010133.html
However other evidence suggest that the suicide rate in the elderly
are increased. In the article “Assessing the Risk for Suicide in the
Elderly by Patrick Arbore, EdD Director of the Center for Elderly
Suicide Prevention and Grief Related Services, a program of the
Goldman Institute on Aging, San Francisco, California
“Approximately every 83 minutes, one adult 65 years of age or older
commits suicide in the United States. The suicide rate for this
general age group rose by 9% between 1980 and 1992. During that
period, there were 74,675 suicides of elderly people. In 1993, suicide
rates ranged from 15 per 100,000 population, among persons 65 to 69
years old, to 24 per 100,000 population for persons 80 to 85 years of
age, a rate that is double the overall US rate.”
excerpt from the Home Healthcare Consultant
http://www.mmhc.com/hhcc/articles/HHCC9805/Arbore.html
After experiencing the grief, there needs to be a process for handling
it,
WillowGreen.com offers some practical grief tips
http://www.willowgreen.com/cust_AdviceDisplay.asp?TextTypeID=31&List=Grief
Planet-Therapy offers practical Do’s and Don’ts for those who lose a
partner later in life:
“Solutions for people who lose a partner later in life
Do's
- Take your time. Although family and friends may urge you to simplify
your life, there is no need to do anything before you are ready and
before you decide what you want to do.
- Consider staying at least a year where you have been living with
your partner and take your time in sorting through and discarding his
things. Your home and his things hold precious memories. The change is
enormous. Keep some elements of stability.
- Ask for help. If, at age 72, you have never put up storm windows,
and have no interest in trying, ask someone who has been wondering if
there is anything he can do, or hire someone to do it. You don't have
to do everything you did and everything your partner did.
- Consider what roles or activities might be open to you and whether
they are attractive to you. Whether it is joining the Peace Corps,
thinking of yourself as the family matriarch and organizing family
reunions, or joining a senior travel group, the closing of one thread
of your life puts you in the position of considering other
possibilities.
Don'ts
- Don't let your children, if you have them, or others take over your
life. Although your partner's death will be a big adjustment, you need
not give up being in charge of your life.”
Personally I would imagine at the beginning of the multiple loss cycle
grief will be quite heavy, progressing into this cycle will see more
resilience and perhaps even ‘acceptability’ or viewed as a fact of
nature, or part of destiny. However the amount of grief could possibly
increase if the person is the ‘last person standing’, particularly if
they have no younger family around them. The amount of grief can also
be affected by the person’s religious beliefs which imparts different
concepts on death.
Search Strategy:
grief
://www.google.com/search?q=grief&hl=en&lr=&ie=UTF-8&start=10&sa=N
"multiple losses" elderly
://www.google.com/search?q=%22multiple+losses%22+elderly&hl=en&lr=&ie=UTF-8&start=20&sa=N
"death of a partner" elderly grief
://www.google.com/search?q=%22death+of+a+partner%22+elderly+grief&hl=en&lr=&ie=UTF-8&start=30&sa=N
grief elderly
://www.google.com/search?q=grief+elderly&hl=en&lr=&ie=UTF-8&start=20&sa=N
I hope that helps,
kind regards
lot-ga |
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