Hey Mr. Smarty Pants,

How do I begin to see life again as a normal person????? After living
as a total " hermit " for over nine months....
I'm trying to go out..... but alas, my social skills have been reduced
to almost zero......
Can you advise me on how to begin to walk out that door again?????

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Request for Question Clarification by lot-ga on 17 Aug 2002 23:08 PDT

Hello steph53-ga,
smarty pants?
no, not us... 
I can assure you we're just humble researchers :-) 
To give a researcher a good shot at your question, it may be helpful
to reveal some of the underlying causes for your prolonged stay
indoors, and any professional advice or counselling you may have
received to save covering the same ground, if any, but only if you are
comfortable with it. That information can be used to research subject
matter that is in context and sympathetic to your needs. Maybe you can
advise on your approximate age group, general interests and perhaps
any ambitions you now have, as a researcher can revolve the research
around this quite usefully, if they chose, giving you a more helpful,
relevant answer.
regards lot-ga

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Request for Question Clarification by sublime1-ga on 18 Aug 2002 00:46 PDT

steph53

Being a mind-reader, let me add some details for the
sake of the other researchers...

You left your husband of 10 yrs last November.
However, it was not a good relationship. He was 9 yrs
younger than you, lacked intelligence & social graces
and was basically controlling and at times verbally
abusive. You have come to terms with yourself that it
was a bad judgement on your part to marry him.
You just looked at him one day & realized that you did
not love this person.

When he found out you were planning to leave him, he made
your life a nightmare. You had reason to fear for your
safety. You found an apartment in a day, moved in a twin bed,
your clothes & your cat, A****t, with the help of your adult
son & your daughter's fiance.

He stayed on in your house and refused to sell. You have
not seen or spoken to him to this day.

Soon your friends had pretty much given up on you. You
immersed yourself in the internet and chatrooms and
boards...joined a couple of good support groups and
have belonged to great chatroom for years and the people
have been great to you.

You lost a lot of weight. Not on purpose, it just fell
off you.

Then, in April, you went to visit your sister.
Suddenly, like a slow awakening, it hit you smack in
the head that there was a world & life outside of
your little four-walled world.
You extended your vacation and took little steps around
you. Like going out, laughing, eating...
When you got back home, for the first time you realized
that it was time for you to get out into the "real"
world.
But as time passed, the old fears came back. You have
been making teensy efforts, but lack any interest in
going to the local pubs, etc...

And then...

He renewed the mortgage on the house you moved out
of, with your name still on it for five years!!!!!!
The Bank says they have nothing to do with
separation/divorce laws. Even after you told the Loan
Officer that you've left the house since last Nov and
legally have no more obligations according to your
lawyer, he pretty well blew you off. Told you you'd
need a court order to force the sale of the house.

All of which makes it understandable that you have a 
lot of grieving to do for the losses you've endured.

steph, this is an anonymous site, and the more details
you provide, the easier it will be to provide useful
responses. If I'm incorrect in my analysis of your
situation, please clarify for the sake of the
researchers.

My personal experience is that feelings resulting from
catastrophic circumstances need to be integrated - 
essentially, felt, through whatever methodology
best allows this to occur, for you. One of the 
most effective and inexpensive methods I have come
across is documented in a book by Connirae and Tamara
Andreas, called "Core Transformation", at this site:
http://www.coretransformation.net/
The book is complete within itself, and requires no
previous or follow-up knowledge of the techniques
contained within it.
Here's a page with some articles about the techniques:
http://www.coretransformation.net/articles.htm

The technology in the book is an expansion of the 
premises of NLP, or Neuro-Linguistic Programming,
which is a remarkably effective technology for 
handling various psychological dysfunctions.
It was developed by Richard Bandler and John
Grinder.

More info on NLP here:
http://www.purenlp.com/nlpfaqr.htm

If this satisfies your query, let me know,
and I'll post it as an answer. Otherwise,
let the question ride, and see what the
other researchers come up with...


Searches done, via Google:

NLP
://www.google.com/search?num=50&hl=en&lr=&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&q=NLP

"core transformation"
://www.google.com/search?num=50&hl=en&lr=&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&q=%22core+transformation%22&btnG=Google+Search

sublime1-ga

---

Request for Question Clarification by sublime1-ga on 18 Aug 2002 00:48 PDT

er, meant to sign off:

Smarty Pants

Hi there!

That's *Ms*. Smarty Pants!  And really, it's Ms. Smarty *Dress* today!
 ;)

More seriously though, it sounds like you've been through a traumatic
time, and are worried about getting back out into "normal life"
without feeling afraid or insecure.  I do sincerely hope that whatever
it was to have upset you so, you've put it behind you so you can enjoy
things again.

I must admit that I was a little hesitant about answering your
question, but the more I thought about it, the more I saw that what
you need is just a little encouragement.  Let's get you back out and
having a good time, OK?

You say you're worried about your social skills.  This is certainly a
concern when one has been away from people for an extended period of
time and hasn't had the opportunity to brush up on social
interactions.  It never hurts to be impeccably polite, and here are
some resources that can help you polish your manners and earn you the
reputation of the perfect social companion:

Not perusable on the web, but easily the best two etiquette books
extant:  Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior and
Miss Manners' Guide for the Turn of the Millennium, both written in a
delightful question and answer format by the inimitable Judith Martin.
 She's wry, she's incredibly funny, and as the name of the first book
implies, this maven of manners is excruciatingly correct.  You can
find these (well indexed for easy reference) books at your local
public library.

For Miss Manners on the web, read her weekly column online at the
Washington Post:

Miss Manners
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/style/columns/missmanners/

...or ask The Lady Herself your social etiquette questions:

Get perfectly proper advice
http://womencentral.msn.com/firstperson/articles/missmanners.asp

So now that you've read Miss Manners, you're Excruciatingly Correct,
Perfectly Proper, and dazzlingly polite.  Where to take these skills,
to meet people with whom you share interests, people with whom you'd
like to socialize?

What about special interest groups?  Do you like to read?  Book
discussion groups are wonderful ways to make new friends!

Though the maintainer of the Directory of Library Book Discussion
Groups has decided to cease keeping the list, it's still available
through Google's cache (and listed here via MakeAShorterLink.com):

Directory of Library Book Discussion Groups 
http://makeashorterlink.com/?C1FA52C81

Of course, this isn't the only place to find book discussion groups -
check the Community section of your local newspaper to see when book
discussion groups in your area meet, and where, or contact your local
public library or favorite bookseller.

It's so much easier to talk to people when you have a common interest,
and you may find that discussing a book or series of books with
like-minded people will lead to discussing other topics of interest. 
Next thing you know, you'll be meeting regularly at the coffee shop to
exchange opinions...and laughter...and maybe gossip! :)

That's not to say that only book discussion groups are the way to go -
many communities offer gardening groups, quilters and sewers groups,
choral societies, photography clubs.  Whatever your pet passion is,
there is sure to be a club for it somewhere!  You can find listings
for these in the community section of your local newspaper, or, if
you're comfortable revealing your city, state and hobby, I would be
happy to help you find a group that matches your interests.

You don't say whether or not you're single, but based on your comment
that you've been living like "a total hermit", I'm going to assume you
are.  Please do correct me if I am wrong in this.

Many areas offer "singles clubs" for those looking to get out and meet
people in a safe, comfortable environment.  I don't mean the cheesy,
scary "dating service" things like MatchMaker, but more the social
activities clubs that organize casual picnics, dinner dances and the
like.  There's a directory of such clubs available, classified by
state, here:

U.S. Single's Clubs & Events
http://www.lovedetectives.com/states/index.html

(The host's name is admittedly ridiculous and silly, but once you can
stop laughing at it, you'll see that it's actually a well organized
and easy to navigate directory.)

Perhaps you'd like to have an "out" when meeting new people?  A
"reason" to talk to someone, so you'll feel more confident?  Try
taking a class!  Gourmet shops often offer cooking classes, museums
offer drawing, painting and pottery classes or photography classes. 
Creative writing workshops abound!  Perhaps you'd feel more
comfortable approaching someone with a specific questions, so that if
it turns out that you don't "click" socially, no feelings are hurt?  A
conversation with someone in your pottery class about the use of
viridian on a pot may lead to even more interesting conversations
later down the line...again, common interests are a terrific way to
meet people.

My best advice to you is to start slowly.  Don't rush, and don't feel
pressured to do too much at once.  Find something that interests you,
and run with it - and try not to be afraid to just say "Hi" to
someone!  Get involved with something you really love, and the rest
will follow naturally - you'll soon find yourself with a vibrant,
happy and satisfying social life again.

(It doesn't hurt to do something to spoil yourself now and then,
either.  Get a relaxing massage, spend the day in a beautiful park,
just relax and destress, and remember that you're worth the
indulgence!  Spoiling yourself is a little is a lovely confidence
builder.)

If there is any part of my answer that you think is unclear, or you
just want help locating a group that might be a good start for you,
please don't hesitate to ask for clarification.  I'd be happy to
assist you further.

I wish you much luck!

--Missy

Search terms included: [ "Miss Manners" ], [ etitquette ], [ "book
discussion groups" list ], [ "singles groups" list ].

Thank you both missy & sublime,er I mean Mr. Smarty Pants. Sorry missy
I was so vaque with my question...but Mr. Smarty Pants hit the nail on
the head!!!!!Incredible knowledge to a stressful situation. I will
check out these sites.
Again, thank you
Steph

To add a few personal comments to the great answer above... One thing
I have found very useful for me, a basic social recluse most of the
time myself, is to find a place to be every day. This isn't work, but
a coffee shop, bar, park, beach, some place that is a social
gathering, however loose, and show up there everyday, no matter what,
at a time that you have chosen to fit your schedule. This works very
well. But I need to be there everyday, no matter how I feel or don't
feel about going.

Going to plays are good as well. Movies are not so good. With a play
there are real people up there on the stage and the intermissions are
good for social interaction. You don't have to interact with others,
that's not really necessary, just being in the front lobby with
several hundred people walking around being social helps remind me
what its like. Eves drop, listen, and it starts coming back to you.

Start conversations with people by asking them about themselves. This
is a trick I learned when I was writing for a living. There is nothing
people like more than to talk about themselves.

Get a dog. I'm not kidding here. If you don't have one, get one. Take
it for walks in the park or on the beach or just down the street.
People will stop and talk to you just because you have a dog. If you
don't have one, and can't have one because of you living situation,
try to borrow one. Really.. its the best way to have people just walk
up and start talking to you. Some animal shelters will let you take
one out for the day.. at least the one in Seattle while I was living
there did. I would show up on Saturdays, and take a dog out for a few
hours.

Libraries will let you read to kids if you have a knack for that sort
of thing.

If you are interested in computers at all, there are probably several
User Groups in your area. PHP user groups, Computer User Groups, just
about anything User groups. Stay away from email groups and forums for
a while, that just keeps you inside and secluded.

If you don't have any special interests, fake it. Find something that
is at least not appalling to you and go to some events. Right now,
from my own personal experiences, you probably don't find anything
very interesting, and that's okay. Value of activity is what we assign
to it, so just find a few events and show up.

Rule 62, don't take yourself so damn seriously. At first most things
are going to feel gray and uninteresting, and there's nothing out
there that's going to change this very fast. Give yourself a break and
allow the gray to fade back into color. The real thing you need to do
is to keep doing something. Keep on keeping on, and it will all come
together for you.

webadept-ga

Well I DID  have a dog........ I lost her in custody battle...... only
cause I left &  moved into an apt with my cat.
She raised my cat in his first formative 6 months & he thinks he's a
little dog now....sooooooo
I lost my dog....... TG I managed to get the cat!!!!!
I would love to get another pet but at this point in my life I am just
waiting & hoping to move somewhere
better for me & the coddled kitty......

Hi, Steph.

I believe you've stumbled onto a motherlode of introverts here. Most
people who would actually bother to go through the process of becoming
researchers are likely the solitary type, so many of us have obviously
been through this to some extent or another.

So, I'd like to add a few things from my personal bag of tricks:

1. If you have someone nearby who'd be willing to, ask them to go to
lunch with you one day a week. I had my little brother do this for me
during a long telecommuting stint, and it worked nicely. (He's my
brother, so we both needed it.)

2. If you live in a city that'll support it, stop going to the grocery
store. I went almost a whole year buying all my necessities from a
farmer's market, an old-fashioned drugstore, a butcher, a coffee
roaster, and various ethnic markets. Places like this are smaller,
friendlier, more relaxing, and much much nicer than your neighborhood
chain grocery, and you'll get to know farmers, butchers, druggists,
and ethnic grocers. It's fun, you'll eat better, and it's just a good,
all-around way to get a little more enjoyment out of life without
spending any extra money on it.

3. I love webadept's dog idea. Let me expand on this one a little,
though. If you can take a shelter dog out for the day, see if there's
an off-leash dog park in the area. In my experience, the people you
meet at dog parks are more considerate, helpful, and non-judgemental
than just about any other group you'll find. Again, it's free, and
you're doing something good for your community, which can be better
for your outlook than a truckload of self-help books.

4. If you have the time, look up a local volunteer organization. I
delivered Meals on Wheels for a while, and that was incredible. You
get the opportunity not only to help people who need it most, but to
hear great stories and make some friends, and most of the people are
so happy to see you and have someone to talk to, they'll never judge
you or make you feel uncomfortable. And if you're lucky like me,
you'll be able to tell people that you once knew a guy who beat up
Gene Autry in second grade. Who needs social skills when they've got
credentials like that?

Remember, above all else, that everyone else is too busy worrying
about their own social ineptitude to concern themselves with yours. It
can be nerve-racking for someone who's fairly introverted to go out
and make small talk with people, but it's much easier when you remind
yourself that almost everyone has the same insecurities you do, and
anyone who doesn't, or anyone who judges you for being awkward or out
of social practice, is just a jerk. I know it sounds trite, but who
cares what jerks think?

Good luck. It starts getting easier as soon as you walk out the door.

Lisa.

steph53,
Wow what great ideas and answers for getting out and meeting people! 
I wanted to address the "renewed our mortgage" part.  Have you asked a
real estate attorney about this?  In places I've lived, even community
property states, both individuals need to sign the loan documents. Is
there a possibility of forgery or fraud?  Misuse of Power of Attorney?
 Something you may want to take a look at with a qualified
professional, because it could save you a lot of hassle and liability
down the road.

Wow...

I just went back in time to my very first post here on GA...August 2002.

And I have finally realized how very much I have grown...

I just want to say thanks to all the GA community for providing an
interesting diversion at a time when I was *crying* out for help.

Fast forward to Oct 2004...and I am amused...not just by me and what I
was...But what I have become.

I am still an avid *peeper* and questioner here, however, as I passed
thru my "history" here, I could not help but shed a tear for the sad
person that arrived here in August 2002!

Thanks to all of you who have helped me realize that there are REAL
people out there :)

Steph53

Hey Steph!

I just noticed today that this question popped up in my "last
modified" list, so I came to see what was up.

I'm SO GLAD you're happier now!  Isn't it remarkable, the difference
some time and patience can make?

Many hugs,

--Missy