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Q: SHould i trust?( a long question) ( No Answer,   4 Comments )
Subject: SHould i trust?( a long question)
Category: Relationships and Society > Relationships
Asked by: cb1234-ga
List Price: $15.00
Posted: 20 Aug 2005 15:10 PDT
Expires: 19 Sep 2005 15:10 PDT
Question ID: 558153
It is indeed a long question and i hope you have ur cup of cofee with
urself to avoid sleeping in the middle. But an answer would surely
help me get to myself.I came to US about a year ago to work, i am an
Indian Sikh guy. Met an american  girl while looking for a roommate
and the same night asked her out to a party. Dropped her home after
that, tried to kiss her and had another dinner-date(and of SHe was a college student then. Right from the begining
she used to say that she is going to go to Japan and
does not want a long term thing. I said fine(being a guy, get what u
want). Of course this means i was shallow intially. But over the
period of time i discovered that we have such good times together(not
the physical ones alone).

Then we started having issued every week, she never used to have time
for me, "I have so much to study, I have to work, I dont have enough
time for a bf" the usual girl stuff which means "i dont like u enough
dude". Eventually she called me out one night and said that she doesnt
want it ne more. i got to know later that she is dating someone else.
Well somehow we got back together and she told that guy that she wants
to be with me. Things were good in the begining but then i got to know
that she has been going to "his house to wathc movies" . This time
(again) i said chose, him or me. She said me and told that guy that
she doesnt want to be with him ne more to which he replied that he
"wished we cud be friends with benefits". TIME FOR MOCHA WITH
CREME-GRANDE.Please drink responsibly , save half for the later part.

This time i was suspicious and eventually after two weeks she went to
a dance club with him.I asked her politely and she lied. Now i said
good bye.  One night she calles me for a movie and when i turn up 10
mins late she snaps and the same night goes to a club , meets another
friend of mine(who is no longer a friend) and took him home at 3 o
clock at night. I broke off all contacts with her and a month and a
half later she comes knocking at my door drunk at 4 am "I want to SEE
you". WE do it and i tell her i am using her for sex. DOnt see her or
call her again.Then i have had to move to another city and when she
gets to know it she comes again. Now she is like devoting all her time
me, literally living with me all the time for a month and a half.She
says she had changed and would like to be with me, doesnt think of
anyone else, wants to have kids with me.I thought she has changed, she
was the way i wanted her and i proposed to her. She even visited me to
the new city and we had fun time going out. Now she has gone to Japan
and says she will come back to me , we want to get married.

Before you think or reply that i am being a puppy here let me tell
you. I pushed her a lot and thats the reason i always took her back
thinking its my mistake or its becasue i belong to a traditional
indian family and she has an INDEPENDENT character. I have seen her
flirt with men even when i am around and she says she thinks its fun
to flirt harmlessly.

I used to push her to spend all the free time together. WE lived
together for 3 weeks just after a few days we met. And she does have
some good qualities that i like. Whenever we are not fighting we have
great time together laughing , joking around talking about literally
Now that shes in Japan , i have to tell her that we need to talk on a
regular basis to maintain a relnshp.
Can i trust her now , she goes out and there is nothing wrong in that,
but should i assume that she is going out with a guy when she says its
her girlfriends. We have had at least 50-60 "break ups" primarily
because i am a traditional guy and she is a staunch feminist. Is it
right to put my past behind me and look for things to improve. I tell
my self so many times , get
strong and then we break up , but after a few days i start feeling
that she is a nice girl.

I am tired of trying to communicate to her what i expect in a
relationship - Faith, time together and communication on regular
bases. I am tired of this pattern too, breaking up , then getting
together swearing not to be the same again and then fallin in the same
I want to know whether its because i am alone here and hence just look
for an illusionary concept to fall on, does she really love me as she
says. Is it that i am too rigid and project myself as needy, or was i
pushed to behave this way? What should i do? Right now things are fine
b/w us but isnt she cheating on me again? I know i was wrong at a lot
of places but i dont think i am some "door mat" between finding
boyfriends for her. I am not against independence but assertive
independence minus responsibility towards others is what i dont like.
I want the best approach here. Either go with her burying my past, in
this case i would like things to work good in a mature way , or move
on? THe question in both cases is how. I dont have any difficulty
talking or flirting with the opposite sex , but every time i feel like
i am getting a date i pull myself back thinking "Isnt this cheating on
my GF?".

Clarification of Question by cb1234-ga on 25 Aug 2005 08:16 PDT
Well thanks for all your comments. I think i am much mmore stable now
than i used to be and the "my cheating of my Gf " guilt is not there
I am starting over for myself again with a new person and i think this
woujld turn out much better.

Appreciate your replies.
There is no answer at this time.

Subject: Re: SHould i trust?( a long question)
From: myoarin-ga on 20 Aug 2005 18:03 PDT

"...but every time i feel like i am getting a date i pull myself back
thinking "Isnt this cheating on my GF?"."

Your last sentence reinforces what you have said about your
conservative background, which I respect.  You are thinking of her as
your girlfriend  - despite unusual acceptance of her unfaithfulness. 
But everything you have told suggests that she has an entirely
different attitude, right from her first comment about the
I was going to say that it is a conflict of cultures, and it is that
too, but I think that it is more a problem of her character.  She is
not your girlfriend  - or maybe anyone's in the serious sense of the
expression.  In a culture that is for you foreign, you are putting up
with behavior by her that you probably would not accept in your own
culture.  But her behavior is also not acceptable in USA.  You are
being too lenient, maybe trying to bend over backwards "to fit in", to
accept an American girl's carrying on that no one else would  - or

There is no future in it.  All American girls are not like that; maybe
not so fast to go to bed, but for a serious relationship, that is not
the best criterium.
Subject: Re: SHould i trust?( a long question)
From: dragon_2-ga on 20 Aug 2005 22:21 PDT
A long term relationship with this girl will just lead to trouble. If
you have broken up 50 to 60 times, do you really think your marriage
will work?

My opinion? Hold out for the best. Toss this fish back to the sea and keep fishing.

Harsh. I know.

Subject: Re: SHould i trust?( a long question)
From: ale1964-ga on 21 Aug 2005 06:25 PDT
american women are spoiled. they want it all and want it yesterday.
good luck. you will need it.

how about getting a book. dating for dummies? it's helped me sort things out.
Subject: Re: SHould i trust?( a long question)
From: scubajim-ga on 21 Aug 2005 06:52 PDT
Dump her.  There are much nicer people out there.  She is getting a
kick out of reeling you in and out.  You are wasting your time on her.
 Also on forums like this cut the "leetspeak".  it makes it difficult
to read.

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