I am starting a relationship with a smoker. She has smoked for over 10
years and shows no signs that she wants to quit. I know that nagging
or confronting her will probably just end the relationship. Are there
any ways I can proactively help her to quit, in an indirect way? Is
there any advice for people in relationships with a smoker - that is,
strategies for getting them smoke-free?

This might be helpful:

http://dosomething.org/challenges/secondhandthis/15-ways.php?PHPSESSID=dd388d6ada1b3d744134bd55abc55f50

Show her the pictures on
here:http://peer.tamu.edu/curriculum_modules/Properties/Module_5/Lesson_four/L4_topic3.htm

I didn't quit smoking until my mother got lung cancer - even though my
wife was allergic (I smoked outside). Some time on the chest ward was
the only thing that got me motivated. Pictures aren't scary enough!
Make it real - take her to the hospital.

My brother dated a smoker who is now his wife.  He hated the smoking
and, at some point while dating, told her that he loved her but he
just couldn't stand the smoking and he would not continue seeing her
if she continued to smoke.  He knew it was somewhat unrealistic to
expect that she would quit and somewhat unfair to ask.  After all, he
knew what he was getting into.  However, he decided that he just could
not live with it.  Well...she quit, they married, and she now sneeks a
smoke now and then but at least it is not inflicted on him.  Good
luck.

I appreciate all the comments, suggestions. I will let the
relationship develop, see where it goes and re-evaluate how important
her smoking is to me. Sounds like it will be a tough road towards
quitting, but I will keep hopeful about it.

well themainshane.ga, with a strong background to qualify this answer,
it is my suggestion that you allow her to do what she feels is good to
her.  In your basics (with subtle undertones of dependency) of the
situation you must first look at your sense of what you have gone and
done again, since it is a new relationship of sorts.

1) YOU "started a relationship with a smoker", your fault, and
remember it takes to keep a relationship, i am sure you are not her
fantasy choice of a sexual companion but she accepts you, don't forget
that.  You did not have to continue the relationship even after you
discovered her need for tobacco based products.  I don't smoke , but
i've always rejected smokers within my 4 foot personal circle and not
dated what did not fit my criteria for a good choice.  It is better to
look for the right one than just grabbing anything then complaining
about your choice later.....  Don't allow yourself to become needy in
accepting someone so quickly in the beginning and themn judge them
when the fun is over.

2) emulation of a co-dependent nature, not nurturing since you can
show her all the damaged tissue slides and dying people you want, it
is still her decision, not yours.  Ask yourself why you must you make
yourself into a white knight in your "saving of the damsel" from
herself from the last 10 years smoking.  I can figure since you posted
it here you have exhausted your patience with her inflexibility to
reduce her daily pack smoking to something less.  Still her choice.

3)Your embedded denial of your expectations.  You seem to have the
need to want to recreate the person, through subtle approaches of
meaning in your life with statements such as "I am starting a
relationship" "I know" "confronting her will probably just end the
relationship" "Are there any ways I can proactively help her to quit,
in an indirect way?" which says you are accepting them for your
emotional needs only.

Ya know since no one in their right mind goes out and gives half of
everything they have to a total stranger, but they are willing to hop
into bed with a "perfect" woman and have a kid or divorce and loose
half of everything they have to that person, before they make a good
judgement of their true character.
this one's on you buddy, since you made all the wrong choices from the
get go and still are with such questions as this, "Are there any ways
I can proactively help her to quit, in an indirect way?"

You must prepare yourself for a relationship with a non smoker and
take this time you were going to focus on this smoker and focus on
yourself to figure out why you are choosing mates that are not quite
up to your par, since you have a need to have someone else's best
interest always at tongues tip.  Let her decide if you are worth her
quitting, but don't confuse her with nagging vs. caring since both can
emulate the best of sorts with the proper tone and wrong format.

Wow. Well thanks for the free personality analysis. It was unexpected
and... interesting. I have an update if anyone out there is reading
this thread still: she made a resolution to quit soon and is already
cutting back.

I smoked cigarettes for 12 years -2 packs a day -and tried quitting
several times..but I have the answer and it really works... it worked
for me and I get thank you's a thousand times over for everyone I told
and tried it.  I used self-hypnosis to quit... what I did was I picked
a date two months ahead... I started july 5 and quit sept 5th 2001. 
for two months every time i pulled out a cig I told myself "I will
quit Sept 5th because ______." Fill in the blank with a reason why you
want to quit like... "it makes my breath stink."  Then when Sept 5th
came along I was so disgusted with cigs i didn't want another one at
all... you can't cut back you have to keep smoking even though you
don't want to because with every cig you smoke you get more and more
grossed out by it.  It really takes the full two months to get the
programming down so don't quit before it is time.  The genius of it is
you use the habit to reinforce the programming.  After Sept 5th
happened I still had cravings so I took it even further ... with every
craving I told myself "I am so glad that I don't smoke because
______."  Fill in the blank why.  Believe me this works and several
people down the line who have tried this and it worked I tell them to
"pay it forward " and tell other smokers how you did it!

Wow thats awesome advice. I have had many conversations with
smoker/ex-smoker friends of mine and no one has brought up this method
(hypnosis). I would go on my own experiences with quitting, but that
position assumes a lot. I found it relatively easy compared to what
most people have gone through trying to quit, yet, I was a lightweight
(only 1.5 years smoker at 1/2-1 pack a day) in comparison with people
I know who still smoke. So I feel like our relative addictions are not
comparable (I went cold turkey because of a healthcare job that forced
me to quit or quit the job.) So, in a sense I relate to their problem,
and have a tolerance to it, while I still hope they all quit in time.

My girlfriend wants to quit but the timing is tough with all the work
and school to adopt new habits towards quitting a habit that is a big
stress relief for her. This method seems less confrontational and 
less demanding and I will bring it up. Any you can bet on it that I
will pay it forward.

Thanks again everyone for your comments.

hi there.
I was a smoker, and my man wasnt. He commented that I smoke too much
and its not good, sometimes he would whine that I smell bad.. but
apart from complaining  occasionally he never asked or demanded of me
to quit. I quite about a year in our relationship. He has been very
supportive.

I think for me, the trick was, to let me make it my own decision... 
pressuring and blackmailing people doesnt work.

Good luck

Show her this: 

<b>Smoking and the Skin</b>

The skin is affected by tobacco smoke in at least two ways.  Firstly,
tobacco smoke released into the environment has a drying effect on the
skin?s surface.  Secondly, because smoking restricts blood vessels, it
reduces the amount of blood flowing to the skin, thus depleting the
skin of oxygen and essential nutrients.  Some research suggests that
smoking may reduce the body?s store of Vitamin A, which provides
protection against some skin-damaging agents produced by smoking. [1] 
Another likely explanation is that squinting in response to the
irritating nature of the smoke, and the puckering of the mouth when
drawing on a cigarette, cause wrinkling around the eyes and mouth. [2]

Skin damaged by smoke has a greyish, wasted appearance.   Recent
research has shown that the skin ageing effects of smoking may be due
to increased production of an enzyme that breaks down collagen in the
skin. [3]  Collagen is the main structural protein of the skin which
maintains skin elasticity.  The more a person smokes, the greater the
risk of premature wrinkling.  Smokers in their 40s often have as many
facial wrinkles as non-smokers in their 60s.  In addition to facial
wrinkling, smokers? may develop hollow cheeks through repeated sucking
on cigarettes:  this is particularly noticeable in under-weight
smokers and can cause smokers to look gaunt. 2   A South Korean study 
of smokers, non-smokers and ex-smokers aged 20 to 69 found that the
current smokers had a higher degree of facial wrinkling than
non-smokers and ex-smokers. Past smokers who smoked heavily at a
younger age revealed less facial wrinkling than current smokers. [4]

The Chief Medical Officer highlighted the link between smoking and
wrinkled, damaged skin, in his 2003 annual report.  The report noted
that smokers? skin can be prematurely aged by between 10 and 20 years
and, although the damaging effects of cigarette smoke on the skin are
irreversible, further deterioration can be avoided by stopping
smoking.  [5]

Prolonged smoking causes discoloration of the fingers and fingernails
on the hand used to hold cigarettes.   Smoking also results in a
yellowing of the teeth and is a cause of halitosis (bad breath).

<a 
href="http://www.ash.org.uk/html/factsheets/html/fact10.html">
http://www.ash.org.uk/html/factsheets/html/fact10.html</a>

and 

<a href="http://anti-smoking-ads.blogspot.com/">http://anti-smoking-ads.blogspot.com/</a>