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Q: Can he sense I'm desperate?? ( No Answer,   10 Comments )
Subject: Can he sense I'm desperate??
Category: Relationships and Society
Asked by: kittykrazy-ga
List Price: $3.00
Posted: 28 Sep 2005 17:47 PDT
Expires: 09 Oct 2005 15:44 PDT
Question ID: 574008
Its been a week and he still hasn't called...And the more I think
about it..I can see why he hasn't...I probably sounded like a lunatic
when I left a message apologizing..I was buzzed and sounded
silly..explaning that I was wrong to ask that so soon...Do you think I
sounded desperate??? Can men sense when your desperate??Also..I find
it interesting that he knew the question was coming...Because when I
asked him if it was just "sex"..He said"Ohhh there it is" So I guess
he sensed I was worried..I was also annoyed because he cancelled a
date we had on sunday.... to see the jet game..I'm always
I took it as a blow off..I was messing with him a little..But he
always seemed to have a great sense of humor and we always would tease
or laugh at each other..I'm so damm confused..he seemed into me..and
now NOTHING..I really liked him..and I'm blaming myself for this..But
as soon as we had sex he wasn't interested in going out..but we still
had a great time and talked..laughed and joked..I guess I'm naive..I
can't believe he s blowing me off..Was it because I asked the question
too soon? Or was the drunken message a turn off? Or maybe he was just
looking for one thing..But he soooooooo didn't seem like that.He was
so sweet and we had so much in common..Can someone help me understand
this.I'm starting to feel cursed in this department..maybe I should
wear a muzzle..because every thing I say to these guys is "wrong" I so
want to call or text him..but I feel like a jerk..and he probably is
blowing me off..I don't want to look even more desperate..but I really
want to know what happened..HELP...
There is no answer at this time.

Subject: Re: Can he sense I'm desperate??
From: insolent-ga on 28 Sep 2005 18:29 PDT
Yes guys can sense desperation.  But I think more to the point is that
he's trying to communicate to you that he doesn't want to get involved
in a relationship with you at this time.  You shouldn't beat yourself
up so much about was it something YOU did.  It's clearly something
that he just isn't ready for and he is trying to communicate it
through canceling the date etc.  If I were you I'd take the hint and
move on.  You can't force somebody to change their mind.  If it's
meant to be, he'll be in your life in the end.  If not, save yourself
from a lot of wondering and heartache and get on with the rest of your
life.  Did he just use you?  Quite frankly it sounds like it, but
there's no way to be sure. If he wasn't just using you he'd make sure
that you didn't feel that way and address your concerns with more than
a "oh there it is". But you said he's a nice guy so maybe you're
intuition is right and he just made a mistake in a moment of
vulnerability and now he wants to take things much much more
cautiously.  Does it really matter one way or the other?  Either way,
it sounds like you are better off not persuing him and should put him
behind you.
Subject: Re: Can he sense I'm desperate??
From: tutuzdad-ga on 28 Sep 2005 19:33 PDT
I can't answer your question. I was too distracted with curiosity at
what two periods between sentences might indicate about someone's
personality. Maybe it means that you are (as you suspect) too
desperate; I don't know. Seriously, a repetitive use of an elipse like
this gives me the impression that there is a lot left unsaid; that
your thoughts on the matter are disorganized and you don't even really
know the question to ask, much less the answer to hope for. In my
opinion all you need is a telephone. Call the dude and ask him
yourself. You've got nothing to lose. If he dumps you for quizzing him
about his giant ego and expecting him to be open and honest with you,
he'll be doing you both a great favor.

Subject: Re: Can he sense I'm desperate??
From: byrd-ga on 28 Sep 2005 19:41 PDT
" soon as we had sex he wasn't interested in going out..."  Yes,
exactly. There's your answer, and it's as old as the hills. Nurture a
relationship first, then and ONLY then think about having sex,
preferably after the wedding ceremony. Get the sex cart before the
relationship horse and this is what will continue to happen over and
over and over. Period. You already know the answer. So listen to your
still, small voice, get over him, and get on with a more sensible way
of living. Good luck.
Subject: Re: Can he sense I'm desperate??
From: steph53-ga on 29 Sep 2005 05:26 PDT

I'm not sure how old you are, but let me tell you, as an experienced
"older" woman who has had many "relationships", please, please do NOT
call him. Keep whatever self respect you have for yourself and move
on. I know its hard, but its the best you can do for yourself.

As the old saying goes: "If you love someone let him go. If he comes
back, he's yours. If not, he never was".

Trust me,

Subject: Re: Can he sense I'm desperate??
From: guillermo-ga on 29 Sep 2005 07:04 PDT
Bird-ga said: " soon as we had sex he wasn't interested in going
out..."  Yes, exactly.

I tend to agree with this, but from a very different perspective. It
doesn't matter *when* you have sex in the relationship, but with what
expectations you do. Having sex is, in my opinion, like any other
aspect in which people get to know each other in a relationship. Do I
enjoy talking with this person? Do we share musical taste? Can we
enjoy a walk together? Do I like sex with this person? You may have
great sex with someone, and yet the other aspects scream go away; or
else, have great times for all the rest, and sex being just tasteless,
so it would not work either. I profoundly disagree with the idea that
sex is something that should be left to the end of a deeper knowledge,
or after getting married, because sex is not something that will
always be gratifying regardless who your partner is, and has little to
do with how the relationship goes in the other aspects. So you meet
someone nice and then have sex and find it uninteresting, that's fine,
and a good reason to say good by. This can happen to you or to your
partner or both, and no one is to blame. Anyone can be a boring sexual
partner for one person and the greatest lover for someone else. My
wife and I had sex in our second date... almost 19 years ago. And
we're still happy sexual partners and have three gorgeous daughters.
But before that, we both had other relationships with different
people, with whom we tried sex and either it wasn't satisfying enough,
or it was great but other aspects didn't work. In our case -we met at
work- we both had a nice feeling of each other, sex was one of the
first things we discovered we liked together, and in time we learned
that we had much more in common and here we are.

One thing I do suggest: before going to bed with someone, at least
make sure that that someone is a respectful person, and I mean for
that, someone you're sure will not aggress you, who will be receptive
to what you like and what you don't, and who will agree in taking the
necessary precautions to make it the safe way.

As to the way you seem you tend to feel, I don't thing it has anything
to do with him, how he is or when you decide to have sex. I'd say the
problem is how you deal with your own emotions. You shouldn't feel the
desperation you talk about, and that is something you can work out. My
advice, see a counselor or therapist, that really helps, I've done it
every time I needed, for different reasons. My philosophy about it is:
your tooth aches, see a dentist; your feelings ache, see a counselor.
My two cents.

Subject: Re: Can he sense I'm desperate??
From: myoarin-ga on 29 Sep 2005 15:19 PDT
Why would anyone ever ask that question ("Is this just casual sex?") -
except silently to him/herself?
It is utterly demeaning to both persons and can only suggest that the
person who asked it has a suspicion that the other person feels that
it is so.  At the same time, the questioner is implying that s/he has
casual sex and is so witless as not to recognize the fact him/herself
and to recognize if this affair could be more serious.
Would you want to start a serious relationship with someone who
brought up the subject with these suggestions and implications?
Personally, I expect that he was not anticipating that specific
question but rather the one hidden behind it:  "Do you really love
That is also a question that shouldn't be asked.  People show their
love, express it in words if they want to, and hope and that their
partner will recognize and accept it, but it is tactless and often
counterproductive to ask if your partner does, again, because it
implies that you have an impression that maybe he does not.
If you have to ask, if you don't feel certain that he does, then he
doesn't - or doesn't at that moment, or does not know himself yet, and
he doesn't want to be forced into an explanation  - especially to your
tactless question.
Maybe this guy is different, and I am just projecting my own responses
on him, but I doubt it.
Guillermo and others  - including me -  can attest that sex can occur
before a couple can truly know each other well enough to recognize
that they want to be partners for life.
But the relationship is a delicate plant at that point, still putting
out roots to give it stability and let it grow.  The burning light of
such a question can make it wither.  One might continue the simile by
mentioning that such young plants don't yet have flowers and shouldn't
try to reproduce before they do.

A final point:  men can be perfect conmen in the beginning of an
affair (women too, no doubt).   I have carefully forgotten the
details, but an erstwhile girlfriend once remarked something to the
effect:  "Yes, that is the way you came on when we met."  Ouch!

Subject: Re: Can he sense I'm desperate??
From: claire1205-ga on 02 Oct 2005 12:50 PDT
Probably.  Kitty, this isn't the end of the world.  It is like that
annoying book....."He's  Just Not Into You."  Try to move on and find
someone better suited to you.

I would consider two things.  One, if you are looking for an emotional
attachment, wait until you are certain of a person's feelings for you
before you have sex with them. Two, if you continue to experience
excessive anxiety and guilt about this situation seek out a qualified

Everyone makes mistakes in love.  Be good to yourself and good luck.
Subject: Re: Can he sense I'm desperate??
From: kittykrazy-ga on 04 Oct 2005 20:34 PDT
Tutuzdad, So sorry my writing skills distracted you.I didn't think we
get judged on how to write. Guess I have to go back to English class,
after I get counseling for being a desperate idiot!
Subject: Re: Can he sense I'm desperate??
From: kittykrazy-ga on 04 Oct 2005 20:40 PDT
Thanks to all for your advice and suggestions. Even though my question
hasn't been answered( I think I know the answer already.)
Subject: Re: Can he sense I'm desperate??
From: rlarino-ga on 06 Oct 2005 13:51 PDT

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