I have a very serious problem and was hoping to get some ideas. Let me
give you a little background because this is quite complicated. I
started working at this company a few years ago and I met this girl at
work. We started off taking it very slow. Just talking a little bit in
the beginning and then gradually more and more. Before we knew it, we
became best friends in the time span of around 8 months. I was married
at the time and she is still married. We talked a lot at work and
emailed each other as often as possible. I carried a work pager and I
used my pager so she can send me emails when I wasn?t at work. She
would call me when I was at home and I would do whatever I can to talk
to her without my wife knowing. My marriage wasn?t good at all. It was
a matter of time before we divorced and that time was accelerated due
to my relationship with this girl. I left my wife almost 2 years ago.
My relationship with this girl, soon after became more intense.  We
both told each other that we were falling in love. I had no guilt at
that time since I was no longer with my wife but my love for her
started long before I left my wife. She had so much guilt since she
was and still is married. We cannot stop how we feel and we have been
very intimate. We meet as often as possible. I cannot live without her
and she feels the same. The problem is this, she is not able to leave
her husband since he has done nothing wrong. She feels really bad for
him because of what she is doing to him and she just cant tell him how
she feels because she knows it will break his heart. He is basically
perfect in that he does not go out with other women, does not cheat on
her, does not hit her, he is a good man and she cannot seem to do this
to him. She tried in the past. She told him that she wasnt happy and
he was about to leave but she saw that he was devastated and told him
not to leave. She doesn't feel the same way she did for him. She still
loves him but not in the romantic sense. They are hardly intimate and
its getting more difficult each day for everyone. We have been trying
to figure out how we can make him leave her but its very difficult
since we cant tell him the truth. She is not intimate with him
anymore. Only on a few occasions when its hard to say no. We have
tried to figure a way for him to meet another woman and fall in love
as she has done with me but its very difficult since he is a very
closed person and does not open up to anyone. She just wants him to
want to leave her because she cant seem to put him through all this
pain. she has no real reasons to leave other than she is in love with
someone else. I keep trying to tell her that he will find someone if
she leaves him but she finds that hard to believe. He is very
successful at his job and is very young but She still thinks it will
devastate him and and he wont be fine. Please help us, we are very
desperate and need some ideas on how to make her husband want to leave
her.

---

Request for Question Clarification by sublime1-ga on 17 Oct 2005 19:19 PDT

"She told him that she wasnt happy and he was about to leave
 but she saw that he was devastated and told him not to leave."

I think this is the key to the problem. He will not want to
leave "her" until the her he knows is clearly defined (and
maintained) as someone other than the her he continues to 
imagine her to be. By declining to disillusion him, she is
literally allowing him to cling to the illusion that she is
someone she is not.

She's not telling him the truth of who she is and what she
wants, both by way of what she's not telling him and by
way of the messages she's giving him by acting as though
everything is okay.

Her concern is to avoid hurting him, yet, on some level, he
already knows the truth, and has already tasted the pain.

The two of them have entered into an unspoken contract to
keep the lid on the pain by avoiding the topic. He is 
clearly willing to maintain his adherence to this contract.
She agreed to the contract by telling him to stay, but is
now uncertain of her commitment.

She needs to examine her motivations and decide whether
her commitment to her personal happiness outweighs the
commitment she made to keep the lid on her desire to 
leave him (not to mention her original commitment to 
the marriage), and thereby to minimize his pain.

As with many decisions, it may help to make a list of
pros and cons:

My Happiness           vs          Avoiding Hurting Him



No one can presume to make such a significant decision 
for you, and attempting to get him interested in someone
else is just a way of avoiding the decision which seems
to be at the crux of the experience (and is unlikely to
work, for the reasons noted above).


Let me know where this takes you...

sublime1-ga

---

Clarification of Question by cglgab47-ga on 14 Nov 2005 17:54 PST

i just want to clarify one thing. I know most of you agree that this
is a train wreck waiting to happen. you may be right. all i know is
that this girl is someone i cant seem to forget. we tried breaking up.
last year the day before thanksgiving, she told me she couldnt do this
to me anymore. it was the worst day of my life. i was devastated. she
was too. she didnt know if it was going to happen between us and didnt
want to see me waiting for ever. days passed and she finally called
me. i asked her one question, could u be ok without me, can u be happy
with ur husband. she cudnt be. she told me she cudnt be happy with him
anymore because she didnt love him. she cared for him as a friend but
there was no sexual desire to be with him anymore. so if i just do
what most of u think is the right thing, i dont think that will help.
maybe he will be happy but she wont and i wont either. im asking for
some ideas, and so far i havent received any. all i hear is the same
thing, just move on with your life. the love i feel for this person is
stronger than anything i have felt in my life. all i want is some
ideas on how she can leave him and how he can go on with his life.
shes afraid he wont get over her. i think he will but i cant convince
her of that.

---

Clarification of Question by cglgab47-ga on 15 Nov 2005 09:50 PST

Thanks flossyb but she has been doing that for a while now. She hardly
talks to him at home and doesnt have sex with him. They are not
intimate at all. She's hoping that would be enough hints but he's not
really getting them. she tells him she doesnt want kids now and he
seems ok with that. he just doesnt want to leave her and its driving
her crazy. He is a really nice guy but their relationship is more like
friends now. They live like roommates but that alone isnt getting
through to him.

cglgab47...

I hate to burst your "bubble", but if she was REALLY in LOVE with YOU,
she would have left her husband for you long ago.

The fact that she tells you she doesn't want to hurt him, combined
with all her other excuses, just confirms it for me that she won't
ever leave him.

Its a sad state of 'affairs' that you two got into. My advice??

Move on and FAST!!!

Just my 2 cents...

Steph53

It is The key "She told him that she wasnt happy and he was about to leave
but she saw that he was devastated and told him not to leave."
I Think you should think wisely and have more strength.
let the ladey live her life with that perfect,wise,and successful man.
dont ruin his life more. if your marrage didn't work,let theirs
continue.
find your other woman,instead of finding him.
she wont rest in peace if she becomes with you,as she is conserned
about his feeling from the beginning,as he desereves good feelings,and
then you would feel that this wasn't your perfect life wich you
dreamed about.
you can find the answer within your,just be stronger,then you would be wiser.
if you desided to move on,move on!

While Steph53-ga's interpretation of your situation is possible, it is
not necessarily so, and not even the most likely. For good or bad,
human behavior, feelings and psychology are much more complicated than
that.

Sticking to your story, your partner and you should know that there is
a reason to split from her husband other than her being in love with
you: it sounds as though their relationship had been since long worn
out. Being faithful is not the only thing that matters --he seems not
to have been satisfying her enough for quite long, what probably is
what opened her mind to notice you. Following this viewpoint, I think
that Sublime1-ga has done a good approach to the issue.

On the other hand, I would only add --out of personal experience and
knowledge on psychology-- that she might not have her feelings for her
husband as clear as she thinks. It?s possible that her difficult to
quit her husband is due to her not willing to hurt him, but it is also
possible that she is unconsciously experiencing doubts. As I always
say in this kind of matters, it is more than rare that anyone could
overcome a situation like this without help. Definitely, your
girlfriend should see a counselor to clarify her mind and take the
best decisions for her good.

Other than that, trying to induce him to leave her, seems to be an
unrealistic way to get rid of the problem the ?easy? way --which would
more likely become the impossible way-- while not very appropriate
either.

cglgab47,
Another consideration is that you are already divorced, have untied
the knot, taken the risk and now know you can cope.  She is looking at
a uncertain future if she divorces her husband, not perhaps with any
questions about you but simply because she would be giving up the
known and venturing into the unknown.  That can be more of a problem
for some people than for others.  Once one could have suggested that
this is especially the case for a woman, in times when marriage and a
home were her traditional role.  I don't know if this can still be
said, but maybe it still applies for some.  In addition, she would
have the hassle of the divorce and all her personal feelings as a
threshold to overcome  - It's a big step, and she isn't sure what's
outside the door.

"He is very successful at his job ..."  Maybe she sees a security and
certainty in staying with him that the step into an uncertain future
seem even larger.

She probably is very fond of you, but, as Steph says, she is telling
you that she does not want to leave her husband, which is her decision
 - even though she isn't able to tell you that she does not love you
or that you should forget her.
Tough!
It's her marriage, it is their marriage and their decision whether you
or anyone else thinks it is right or wrong.
Regards, Myoarin

Here is what you told us:

She does not want to leave her husband.
She does not want to hurt her husband.
He is "perfect"...faithful, kind, young, successful.
He loves her.
She loves him.
They still have sex if less often.
They have problems.
You are aggravating their problems.
You only want what you want and don't care.
She won't leave him.

My conclusion is that you are probably correct.
I also think that you are deluding yourself.
I'd wish you luck but I think you'd all be better off if you and she
never see each other again.

Hi There

Its very strange that she wanna have intimate relationship with you
but at the same time she wanna stay with her husband. So what could we
make out from this is that she is in love with her husband and the
time he is able to understand her completely and satisfy all her
physical needs, I am sure she would not be interested at all in you.

You know, these females are very very mysterious creatures, till now
in my life I had failed many times understanding them. God bless you
my friend. But try to put in your best efforts.

If you think that she loves you, then just be candid and ask her to
talk to her husband directly and then be your forever. There is no
other solution or else you would be waiting for her throughout your
life. So just do it.

Good Luck and best wishes....

Mukesh :)

Dear cglgab47,

I am thinking about your problem from last 4 days and finally i
concluded few things and i hope these are useful to u. I am telling
you all these from my practical experinces. first let me tell u few
things where i practically experinced in my life.

I am single guy and i loved a married women who is my neighbour and
she got 2 kids already( 12 years & 9 years) but intresting thing is
she was attracted to my looks in a short time and we became very close
and it went to a deep love.  she is ready to die if i say no to her
and our relationship continued for 4 years many times we got small
differnces but i managed every time. she got everything what she lost
in her life and she was very happy with me. She cannot live even 1 day
with out seeing me. As the 4 years passed she always thinks about kids
and her husband and she cannot leave them but she wants me. so i was
like u at that time then later on she again started thinking about god
and family in the sense she always used to feel guilty about what she
is doing to her family and she always used to tell me she is doing sin
but, i never cared about it. In my heart i used to feel little bit
guilty for continuing relation with a married woman. She always
worried about society,culture and relationship. finally she decided to
splitt with me becoz she know pretty well this relation cannot go for
long and she went into defensive mode and tried to avoid me. At the
same time i also tried to avoid her and it continued for 1 year and
finally we r sepearted now. After that i feel guilty for a while  But
now i am very very happy bcoz ealrier when i maintained relationship
with her i dont have peace of mind for what i am doing and i was
nervous in every moment of life. But, now i feel like free bird and
just continuing my life. Now She forgot me completley and from last 18
months i didnt see her face.

What i suggest you is first make sure if she is willing to leave her
husband and continue with u for rest of the life if it is that case u
dont have to worry about anything you can tie up with her. More over u
dont have to worry about her husband of course it may hurt him but in
1-2 years he can be a ordinary man forgetting his past life. This is
possible only when both of u r disperate to live together.

If she dont wanna leave her husband and she wanna continue with u then
i strongly recommend u to leave her because on some day she will leave
u bcoz most of the womens give high preferance to the official
relationship and permanent love. In this case it may hurt u for a
while but u will be ok after 1 or 2 years.

Dont think in too many ways just make sure she can sepearte with her
husband and come with u r not? otherwise, better to leave it now bcoz
this relation may end up after few days, months or years and u will
loose much more if u r going to leave her in future so better take a
decision now........

I think first of all your relationship started off in a wrong way;
both of you were married.  Although you were going to leave your life,
the proccess of meeting this girl made it faster.  If anything, you
both cheated on each other's spouses.  My advise would be to cut off
all contact with this woman.  Let her be with her husband who is
treating her well.  Who knows maybe she may find it in her heart to
love him?
And think about this, the same way that both of you fell for each
other, what's the possibility that she won't do this to you again?
Apologies for sounding so negative, but you have to think of both of
your futures as well.

Hi Man,
The truth is,

She LIKES you,
She LOVES her husband

Let me tell you.. she feels only excited being with you more than
being with her husband for some reason .. probly you are making her
feel special and showing concern and very much interest in her only
because you are insecure about her and may be having a fear of losing
her!!,... which her husband does not have!! as he thinks that it takes
more than lack of excitment to break-up a marriage!! and which is true
in deed!!

She thinks that her husband CAN give her excitment and also make her
feel special(KEY TO EVERY RELATIONSHIP) and ... can give her every
thing you are giving her now but its just a matter of making him
realise what she needs and I tell you she IS trying to make him
realise that and.. she is seeing some hope in that direction too,
hence she is not commited in breaking-up with him.

And also she feels that you may not be possible to give what she is
having with her husband now.. think.. what they night be??

Let me tell you one more thing my friend.. 

Most women look for better things (better can never be satisfied!)
Most men look for best things..

So concentrate on your life and your gols rather than this whole mess
leading no where...

Sorry if I have hurt you..but this is the truth.

Take care,

Mayura-ga

Believe me friend... She will never leave him and you will never marry her.
Im sorry for being rude. Just told you what is going to happen.

Thanks everyone for all your comments. Some were right on the money
and others were quite off. Actually, i know she loves me. Dont ask me
how, i just do. The things she has done for me and the risks she was
willing to take. We have been through a lot, and i dont want to get
into the details right now. She also loves her husband but not in the
way she used to. She loves her more like a friend. Yes, she tried to
leave and didnt but only because she saw how much pain was in his
eyes. we continue to see each other and she no longer has sexual
relations with her husband. She's hoping this would make him want to
leave but it seems like he isnt going anywhere. She suggested i ask a
lady friend of mine for help. We are doing that right now. Im not sure
if that will work but right now i'll try anything.

Regarding some of your comments about the fact that she almost but
didnt leave him. She cannot be happy with her husband. If it was that
simple, she would have just told me she cant leave him and i would
have been devastated but i would have moved on. the fact that she
doesnt want to be with him and cant leave him is the problem. if
anyone can help think of a way for her to make him want to leave
without much pain would be great. thats all she wants. she knows im
doing this (asking for google help) and is hopeful but as each day
passes getting more desperate and skeptical. every time he leaves the
house she calls me. its hard on the weekends because she does nothing
with him, they hardly talk and shes hoping he would get the hint. shes
often sad when we talk and its getting harder for both of us. please,
all your comments that say shes love him and wont leave him arent
helping us. she even thought of hiring a call girl to seduce him. she
would love to catch him cheating on her but he's not that kind of guy.
please help us.

It sounds to me like she just doesn't want to take personal
responsibility. That's the bottom line. She doesn't want to be the
reason he's hurt or the reason he leaves. It's to the point that she
is willing to hire a woman to seduce him so that *he* can be "the one
at fault!!" She's already hurting him whether or not he's aware of it.
At what point does she simply own up and take some responsibility
instead of trying to pawn it off on someone else? All of the other
issues simply skirt around this one--she doesn't want to accept blame.

You're an idiot....

"If it was that simple, she would have just told me she cant leave him
and i would have been devastated but i would have moved on. the fact
that she
doesnt want to be with him and cant leave him is the problem."

Why aren't you devastated yet??? she's told you she can't leave
him...countless of times now.  Regardless if she wants to be with him
or not...she can't leave him.  So be devastated already and move on.

hi buddy

i m not answering ur question rather giving u suggestion as a friend.
if u continue this scene it will destroy three lives, i admit she
loves u but still she have feelings and emotions for her husband and
this will continue after her break up with him and also after ur
marriage becoz its easy to throw anything from ur mind but its most
difficult thing in world to erase feelings from heart. and definetly
it will heart u after marriage that ur wife have feelings for man
other than u and think bout her husband u r thinking bout u and ur
friend what will happen to him.love is between two heart not between
bodies just try to forget her if u cann't have relation with her as a
friend not lover
just think bout it, i may wrong becoz i m totally inexperienced person
and only 19 yrs but i write same as my heart says to me

He will be hurt when she leaves him, no matter what; so the easiest
way for her to make him leave is to just come clean with him.  I know
it is easier said than done.  If she does not have the nerve to tell
him, she could write him a letter.  If she doesn't want to straight
out tell him, she should leave some hints for him around.   Send her a
card in the mail for all occasions.  Just drop hints that she's not
faithful.  Drop by and have dinner with her.   Her husband finding out
that she is not being faithful is the ONLY  way to make him leave her.
 He will be hurt and there is no way to change that....it's only
natural.

Hello cglgab47-ga

I came across your question a few days ago and I must say that it
sounded very similar to a situation that I was in some time ago. I
have registered with GA just to provide this comment. You need to hear
from a "hopeless and in love" survivor.

I was married (unhappy & going nowhere) and I fell in love with a
friend through work. She was in a long term relationship, not married,
but living together, house etc. with a nice guy. To make my story
short I will say that we felt many of the feelings that you and your
love have anguished over. I was astounded to see in your words many of
the feelings and thoughts that I had once struggled with. The love of
my life did not want to hurt this 'nice guy' who had done nothing
wrong. We both wished that he would find someone else etc. That never
happened. However as time passed, and this took years, she just found
herself drifting further and further away from him. Meanwhile I
divorced and waited. Oh it seemed like an eternity but eventually
after 5+ years she decided to leave. She felt horrible but couldn't
lead the double life any more. During this period she tried on several
occasions to call our relationship off but the partings seemed to draw
us closer together. One break lasted 3 weeks and I felt that I had
died. Friends said to move on and said many of the comments the were
written above but I couldn't. I was hopelessly in love and couldn't
even think of wanting anyone else. We moved in together and started a
new life but she still felt guilty and in time the guilt subsided and
she realized that she was truly happy in her new life. Her family &
friends noticed too and said that she should have made the move
earlier. Hind sight is 20 -20. Her former partner did find a new
girlfriend a short time after the breakup and interestingly she only
let her feelings be known to him when he became free.

Six years passed since my love and I started our new life together and
three months ago we got married. The wait, the agony, the ups & downs
were all worth it. You couldn't find two happier people today!

Divorce is rarely simple. Time cures the pain. I my case I know that
my decisions were the right ones (even if I doubted myself at times).
Stick with your heart is my advice. Continue to be the best man in the
world to your love and she will eventually get the strength. Don't
pressure her.  And never give any ultimatums.Don't put her husband in
an awkward position. Leave him be. Time will reveal what is meant to
be. You both will survive and will be a great deal happier for having
had the patience. I could wish you good luck but luck is not what you
need... when you have the love you feel.

Michael

PS: This forum will be around for years. Leave a comment in years to
come to let us know how you made out.

Michael,
Thanks for your comments. That was the best story i have heard in a
long time. It makes me feel like there is hope because lately i have
been thinking that its just never going to happen and it makes me so
depressed. From the beginning, she has been doubtful and only because
of my positive attitude, she has been able to cope. I have always told
her that it will happen, and she believed me but lately, she seems
like her hopes are dwindling. Sounds like your story is very similar
to mine. It seems to be getting more difficult every day. It makes me
feel so good that you 2 are now happy and moving on with your lives.
Besides me, the only other person she has been with is her husband. I
will take your advise and not pressure her. i have never said anything
bad about her husband but everytime she tells me that they went to
dinner or a party it just kills me inside. i try not to show my
feelings but it gets out somehow and she knows how i feel. i just hope
that she has the strength to leave him someday as your love did. i
think she will do it even though she doesnt believe she has the
strength. i just dont see how 2 people can live the way they do. he
seems to be content but she is dying inside. she feels guilty
everytime we meet but cannot live without me and i cant live without
her. i would hope you can offer more suggestions on what i can do. i
really do appreciate your comments and they made me feel so much
better. I have a couple questions, 1) did she have any children?
because my friend has none and is being pressured by her family and
her husbands family to have kids. she cant stand this pressure and is
telling me that if nothing happens within the next few months, she
might just have one to satisfy her family. this will kill me and her
too because she doesnt want one right now. she alwasy told me that she
wishes she cud have one with me. I didnt want to say this but she had
an abortion. she was pregnant with her husbands child and couldnt go
thru with it because of how she felt for me. it was a very bad time in
her life and she still regrets it to this day. i feel bad too because
she did this all for me and hopes that we would be together. 2) what
happened when you broke up. did she just feel bad for you beacause you
were waiting for her and she wasnt sure she could leave him?  we did
the same thing. she didnt think she was able to do it and told me that
it was over. i couldnt take it. i broke apart and cried so many times.
she finally called me after a couple of days and told me she couldnt
take it either. i dont think we can ever truly call it off. i told her
i will always wait for her. i cant be with another woman because of
how she makes me feel.

I will take ur advice and try to be strong. im not the same person i
used to be when we first me. i was a lot more fun then and she was so
much happier. now she is sad a lot of the time and i am too because i
can see how hard this is for her. i will try to be the person i used
to be and be patient. im hoping and praying that it will happen. i
used to go to church to pray for us but its been so long and nothing
has happened. ive just about given up on any divine intervention. she
often tells me that she wishes she met me before she knew her husband.
right now, i just want to spend the rest of my life with her. we meet
in my car on different streets several times a week. sometimes she
feels so bad that we cant even talk normally. i have all these
feelings in my head like what she did with her husband and what they
talk about. its eating inside me. after a few minutes of silence in
the car, she wants to leave and i act like a complete idiot and do
whatever i can to keep her there. she stays only because of the way i
get. i hate the way im beginning to act but im becoming desperate and
frustrated. she tells me she loves me soo much but cant do this to me.
she thinks that everyone will be hurt and i keep telling her that he
will move on and we will be happy but she doesnt see that happening.
anyway, thanks so much for your comments. i hope to hear from you
soon.

cglgab47-ga 

Hello again. You asked a couple of questions. 1) No - like your
situation she had no children but always wanted to. She never had
pressure from others about having children. 2) When we broke up or I
should say parted temporarily it was more to see if we could lead
normal lives without each other and we couldn't. Based on what I have
learned since we have been permanently together I really should not
have concerned myself over what she was doing with her partner.
Knowing that stuff was just torture and really didn't affect the
outcome. You would be better off to not know the nitty gritty of their
daily lives. Obviously as long as she is with him she has to go
through a routine with obligations. I will bet that her heart isn't in
doing the things that she is forced to do and she may just be worn out
or numb from the stress. The more you lighten up and relieve her
stress when she sees you the more you will be the man for her. Stay
away from anything that makes her feel bad or she may stay away from
you due to the pain she feels. It really does sound, from your
accounts, that she does love you. Follow my earlier advice plus get
lots of exercise like running or long walks. The exercise, besides
being good for the body, is especially good for your head. Look your
best, be your best and spoil her and.. watch .. her heart will tell
her where she sees herself in the future.

On the subject of going to church all I can say is don't stop. I am a
moderately religious person and I believe that having faith does
produce results. The results never are where you expect them. Think
about this for a moment- Have you wondered why at least two commentors
have thought about your question for more than a couple of days? In
this forum you have had a surprising number of responses.. more than
most from what I see. There very well might be a reason why so many
anonomous people are taking the time to respond.

This challenge before you two will not be solved overnight. Life is
not that way. You need patience, faith, time and neverending love. 
Few women like or love weak men. So keep going and simply be the best
person that you can possibly be, not only to her but to everyone that
you encounter. Some of this sounds corny but you have to 'love
yourself first' and let it flow out. The rest will come.. in time.

Michael

Michael,

Thanks again. I read your posts to my friend and she, we both agree
that you seem very intelligent. Unfortunately in our case, it seems
like we are fighting other battles than you. Your wife (now) used to
only have a boyfriend, she wasnt married. This i left out when i told
my friend because she wouldnt have been so optimistic. I wanted her to
think that someone else has gone thru this and the end result turned
out to be ok for everyone. she still thinks she will never have the
strength to tell him how she really feels and thats alwasys on the
back of my mind. I wish she could find the strength to tell him. she
tells me that he seems so happy lately and that just kills both of us.
she doesnt know how to act anymore around him. shes afraid if they
fight, they will just end up making up and he will be nice to her.
thats happened before. so she hardly fights with him, so shes letting
her frustrations out on me. i can understand but its rare that i see
her happy.

thanks for your comments. i hope to hear from u soon.

cglgab47-ga

Yes- Its me again.. Do not despair nor seek a quick solution. You have
to take my word that things were beyond tough in my former situation
too. The love of my dreams was in a relationship that for all intents
and purposes was just like being married. They owned a home, vehicle,
pets, belongings etc. together (and had done so for quite a long
period). They did not dislike each other and in their own ways loved
each other. They never fought. It would have been an easy relationship
for them to maintain without any dreams or passion.

Then I came along and she awakened to the thoughts of a different
future. Everything was different but in many ways still the same. At
home her life could have stayed the same.. but as she found out in
time this was not what she needed or wanted. A whole new world had
awaken before her. Real passion had entered her life and it just would
not subside. It was easy enough to coast through life for her before
but once the possibility of an exciting future was before her then the
dreaming started. The numerous attempts at separation and returning to
the old life were unsuccessful. She did not make her decision lightly
nor did she do it in a short period of time. Oh, it nearly killed
while I waited but I am glad I did.

If you are feeling the brunt of her frustrations look upon this as a
positive sign. You probably have heard the expression "that you hurt
the ones closest to you". Patience. Continue to spoil her. Make her
feel that she is the number one woman in the world. Be fun, be alive!
She needs faith & courage that the world will be better on the other
side of her eventual breakup. If you maintain the course with as much
kindness and empathy as you can show all the while being the best
person that you can possibly be, she hopefully will eventually see the
light. I risk being repetative so reread what I wrote above and
believe me when I write that I had it tough, real tough but I survived
and she did too. Today you couldn't find two happier people. Your love
may never have the strength for a face-to-face encounter with him to
give him the *bad* news. She wouldn't be the first person who walked
into a lawyer's office and had them deliver the news. Don't encourage
this just yet.

You both need more time. 

The end of the year is rapidly approaching and this is often a time
where we reflect on where we have been and what we want in the future.
It is easy to guess what the two of you will be thinking. It just may
be the time to make that big, life changing, decision.

Stay strong. Stay positive. Keep all negativity out of your life.

You will get there!

Michael

How are you doing?

michael197,

Its not going good at all. It seems to all be going downhill since
christmas. She is losing faith that its going to happen and now she is
mad at me. Mad isnt the word, she is infuriated with me. now, she
blames for the past years of her life which she had wasted. All along
i had told her that its going to happend and she believed me. Its been
over 2 years now and nothing has happened and she has realized that
nothing ever will and she doesnt even want to talk to me. she is mad
that i cant see it and i dont want to believe it. i thought if i
waited and was patient that it would happen. she blames me for not
doing enough to make it happen even though she never wanted me to talk
to him. she was hoping i wud come up with another solution and i
havent. i just thought one day she would tell him the truth and she
just cant do that. so i may be stupid but i still hope that it will
happen. i know she loves me even though all she can say now is that
she hates me sooo much. i feel so bad. im not sure if i said this
before but she had an abortion 2 years ago because she felt so strong
about me back then. she asked me so many times what she should do and
i dint say it straight out but i indirectly i dint want her to have it
and she knew how i felt. she got the abortion in the hopes that it
would be my baby shes carying. i felt so good when she told me that
and now she despises me for doing that. she blames me for everything.
for ruining her life that she cant get back to and for wasting her
time. and all i can say is that i will wait for her which makes her
even more mad. i dont know what to do. do u have any ideas?

cglgab47

Sorry to hear about your pain. Both of you are having a rough time.
Let's put things into perspective. This is a brutal emotional season.
Most people are stressed to the limit (even people in good
relationships) and her situation just adds to just trying to survive
the challenges. Try to put aside the blast(s) of current negative
communications between you two. I believe that within a couple of
weeks after New Years you will gain a fresh perspective on where this
is going. In all that you wrote I do not see a strengthening within
her present relationship. She is tired, frustrated, angry and no doubt
sad too... This season finds many people very sad especially if they
are surrounded by people who appear happy. Listen to her frustrations
and be there when she needs to talk. Do not respond with anything
remotely negative. Try your very best to not let any harsh words get
to you. Remember that the words of frustration are usually directed at
the ones closest.

You wrote: "she blames me for not doing enough to make it happen even
though she never wanted me to talk to him. she was hoping i wud come
up with another solution and i havent." I don't think that it is your
place to find a solution. Her heart has to find where it wants to be.
Nobody can put her heart in the right place although a professional
counsellor might be able to assist her in finding what she really
wants.

Stick to the path of being there for her whenever she needs to vent
but more important work on being a better you. Both will get you to a
better place. You will never lose if you end up a better person in the
end... and besides being a better person is very attractive. I said it
before about staying away from all negativity. This is the most
important time to stay positive. It is New Year's resolutions time.
Keep it simple. Force yourself to smile more. Smiles... like yawns...
are infectious. Now go circle a date on a 2006 calendar four weeks
from now. Report back on how being a smiling, positive, good listener
worked for you.

2006 will be a better year :) ! I promise.

How painful for you.  It might help you to be clear that the ball is
in her court ; it is she who needs to take the next step.  It sounds
to me like it would be very helpful for her to find a counselor she
feels comfortable with, to help sort out her feelings and evaluate
what is most important to her own happiness.  Once she has sorted this
out, the next step is getting support to help her have the courage to
follow through on what she decides.  A counselor is much better for
this kind of support than you, because she needs to depend on someone
other than you - so she won't feel as if she is making her decision to
please either you or her husband.  It is always a wonderful,
nourishing and empowering experience to work with a counselor you
like.  (You might like this kind of nonjudgemental support too, for a
couple of months.)
If her/your employer offers an Employee Assistance Program benefit,
you  you can access free & confidential short-term counselling through
this, either as a couple or individually.  Sometimes one session makes
the difference !  (I see this a lot in my practice.) Usually you will
find a posting for the EAP on a bulletin board or outside the
Personnel Office.

My advice on finding a counselor is : 
1: Get a list of approved "Behavioral Health" providers in your area
from your health insurance provider ;
2: (only if you feel comfortable with this) Ask people you trust for
recommendations ;
3: Call the therapists on the approved list afterhours and just listen
to their voice messages : you can quickly screen out many of them and
get a 'yes' or two by how you feel when you hear the sound of their
voices - it is the intangibles that make this relationship a good fit.

Having an impartial witness who is there for you and only you allows
you to get everything out on the table in a safe place (where it
cannot come back to haunt you), and find your own answers.  I so hope
you two can find a way to move into a more secure place.