How do I forgive myself?

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Request for Question Clarification by leapinglizard-ga on 06 Nov 2005 22:26 PST

What have you done?

leapinglizard

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Clarification of Question by zenwill1954-ga on 06 Nov 2005 23:37 PST

I asked my wife to list some of the things that had I was resposible
for in the destruction of our marriage: she responded:

"I am angry at you for all of the following and I?m sorry because I
know this will hurt. I also am fully aware of my part in some of this
but here it is anyway?.
 
For getting drunk for so many years and embarrassing me, scaring me
and lying to me about when you were drinking and about all of the
careless things you said to our children when you were drunk and to
me.

For sleeping endlessly through much of our marriage

For never playing or teaching sports to/with our children.

For never considering it your responsibility to earn as much money as
you could to provide for our family in everyway possible, passing up
management promotions even when it meant more money because ?I don?t
like management?

For not having the balls to take conflicts head on at work or in life

For never having the guts to defend me to my father or to your father

For never helping me with our son's Asthma, never learning about it,
getting up with me at night and caring for him?just sleeping through
it all for 4+ YEARS WHILE I worked and rarely got a full night?s sleep
only to come home to you drinking or drunk and then listening to you
snore while I nebulized our child and listened into his chest night
after night for years. I had to fight doctor?s single handedly while
you sat by and watched when you were there and didn?t even chime in to
say ?if my wife feels this is what?s going on then this IS what?s
going on? You actually fought against me with a doctor until our son
wound up in the emergency room at my insistence. The doctor
apologized?you never did.

Me holding our son down while they inserted IVs in his arm screaming.
On one of those hospital admissions I CALLED YOU IN NY and told you
that I was taking him to the ER and you went out drinking. I called
you after we were admitted and you were incredibly still at the bar.

For getting up in the morning and no matter how many times I asked you
not to make noise so as not to wake our when I was up all night. You
would still take off the dry cleaning wrappers, loud crinkling noises
and close doors hard or dry hair with door open..Only in the end to
wind up waking him and then me up with him. And I asked you day after
day not to do that.

For squandering our money on booze, coke and never helping me to save

For getting off the plane drunk after I HAD DROVE 4 HOURS TO YOUR
MOTHER?S BEDSIDE AND HELPED HER TO DIE ALL ALONE AND THEN Dealt WITH
YOUR FATHER ALL NIGHT NO SLEEP AND NEEDED TO TELL YOU, cry to you
about how awful it all was especially because of how much it reminded
me of losing my mom. Exhausted driving to pick you up at the airport
and you get off the plane drunk!

For needing me to teach you how to deal with your anger with the
children, not put our son down the way your father put you down. Not
to let your anger seep out in little hurtful ways.

When you threw our cat, literally hurled one of our cats off the bed
because you got annoyed. Your anger would come out explosively
sometimes?terrifying for me. I felt like I needed to protect every
vulnerable thing around us, cats and children alike.

FOR SLEEPING WHILE I cooked, cleaned, worked raised the children

For staring so many projects and never finishing them. For impulsively
throwing things out with nothing to replace them, like our couches,
cabinets. You would act without thinking frequently and I would have
to live with the consequences.

For driving by people who I thought may have needed help, you?d just ignore me

For never remembering what things I liked whether it be music, clothes
etc. leading me to finally tell you exactly what to get me as a
present  and even then sometimes you would decide to improvise and get
it all wrong. Our own daughter recently wanted you to buy me a certain
CD that she knew I would like but you picked an artist that I never
even heard of.

It?s been hard not to feel that you took your anger out on me through
all of these passive ways for years.

I am angry at you for all the years that I felt that I carried the
world on my shoulders all alone"

*I stopped drinking over three years ago and go to counceling and a
secular recovery group. I asked her for this to help with my
counceling. I have edited out all names.*

Hi,

Forgiveness is a choice the forgiver makes to let go of resentment
held in the forgiver's mind of a perceived wrong or difference, either
actual or imagined. As the choice of forgiveness is made in the mind
of the forgiver, it can be made about any resentment, whether toward
another, oneself, a group, a situation or even one's God. Forgiveness
of another can be granted with or without the other asking for
forgiveness. Forgiveness does not entail condoning the wrong or
difference which the resentment is focused on.

Forgiveness can be seen as a religious value. However, belief in a
deity is not necessary for forgiveness. It can be motivated by love,
philosophy, appreciation for the forgiveness of others, empathy, or
personal temperament. Even pure pragmatism can lead to forgiveness, as
it is well documented that people who forgive are happier than those
who hold grudges.

You can do therapeutic work, or have a large network of people for
support, but still not feel forgiven. That sort of forgiveness often
requires atonement or amends to be made, actions to be performed.
Often when we have reached the point of wanting or desiring
forgiveness for ourselves or from others, we are doing this in the
light of actions we have done, wrongs we have committed.

In all wisdom traditions, it was customary to give some kind of
offering, or sacrifice, for atonement. You can create your own
sacrifice by asking yourself, "What will be my offering?" It could be
philanthropy, political activism ? something that requires a sacrifice
of your time, money or effort. The key is to consciously make that
sacrifice in light of your desire for forgiveness.

Changing our ways, such as giving up alcohol or drug abuse, often
brings the long list of our previous actions to mind with stark raving
clarity. The action of our "staying sober" or clean, doesn't seem to
dwindle these emotions, in fact they appear to grow larger, even
crushing at times. We have to keep in mind that the act of remaining
sober is for us, and really only qualifies us for the air we breath
and the space we take up. While it does put us in a position of no
longer continuing to hurt those around us, it does not make up for the
actions we did in the past.

By making amends for these actions to those we have hurt, we are
really healing ourselves and allowing our minds to rest easier. Desire
and thought is never a substitute or cure for actions. It is often
said that we can not think ourselves into right action, we must act
ourselves into right thinking.


References

A.A. Recovery Steps 8 and 9
http://www.barefootsworld.net/aaonsteps89.html

Ninth Step Promises
http://silkworth.net/aa/promises.html

Marianne Williamson
http://marianne.com/book/index.htm

Ritual for Forgiveness
http://www.oprah.com/spiritself/lybl/well/ss_lybl_well_forgive01_f.jhtml


thanks, 
webadept-ga

Let yourself not forget some of the good things you have done in your
life time. List one bad for each transgression listed above. Commit
the good to memory (the bad will stick regardless) and vow never to
forget your ability to commit both. What THEY say is "life sux", what
THEY forget to say is "leave it better than you found it." Don't
forget your worst moments, bask in your finest. Just work the ratios
out. 1:1 is not very good ratio. You figure out the rest. Honesty and
communication (with yourself as much as with others) should be your
best achievement. Remember in future relationships, everything kind
you do for your partner will be a building block to the fortress
around your 'Love Compound'. How many bricks did you lay in the last
one?