Hello i've been with my girlfriend for 8 months i'm 23 and shes just
turned 20. At first we would make
love 3-4 times a week i was happy and content with it! few months
later down the line she went on holiday with her friends and i met her
there the second week as she asked me to come! we made love every
night and everything was ok.
now since coming back we barely make love twice a week. I try and i get rejected
it hurts me its only when she feels like it and not when i.
she makes me feel bad about my self because i've never had this problem before!
I've talked to her about this and she says its because of my parents
walking round the house but they rarely bother us when i'm in my room.
she tells me she loves me and we see each other about 3 hours a day
but could she be having a office affair or cheating on me? because it
feels like shes going off me! plz help me!!!! many thanks

---

Request for Question Clarification by czh-ga on 10 Nov 2005 15:35 PST

Hello nightmare007-ga,

Why don't you want to take her answer at face value? She's told you
her concerns. Why are you thinking that she's having an affair?

You might find this recent question and answer helpful.

http://answers.google.com/answers/threadview?id=589799
Q: I can't seem to trust my girlfriend... but I wish I could.

Good luck.

~ czh ~

---

Clarification of Question by nightmare007-ga on 16 Nov 2005 09:25 PST

to the person who said i should move out! i'm a student at uni abd at
the moment carn't affort to move out! thanks guys for ur advice its
been really helpfull CHEERS

---

Clarification of Question by nightmare007-ga on 07 Dec 2005 03:21 PST

Hi guys thanks again for your help and advice!
now we argue everytime together and she ends up blameing me and making
me feel low with in myself I dont know what to do anymore and feel
like ending it.
i try talk to her bout the problems and she ends up saying i'm causing rows.
i've never had this problem before and i'm not enjoying this expereince.
I think i'm going to give it a deadline till january if it still feels
like this and we dont get along no more i'm going to end it which will
be very hard because my feelings are very strong towards her.

---

Clarification of Question by nightmare007-ga on 08 Dec 2005 06:30 PST

its not just that I think of sex all the time but when it starts
becoming once every two weeks it makes you feel like your in your
fortys and sex has flown out the window! I think making love is very
important within a relationship.
we do talk and play games and go out with each other all the time.
so its not just a sex thing and she knows it to.

It sounds to me that she is just uncomfortable having sex in your
Parents house, especially if they are in the next room or walking
around the house.  Perhaps you should spring for a hotel room, or get
a place of your own.  At 23 you should more respect for both your
Parents and your Girlfriend.

First, good for you about being forward with your girlfriend.. Many
people bottle things up until there is no chance for resolution.

As per the previous comment, it may be very simple; having sex with
other people in the house (your parents) may be very uncomfortable for
certain people. The best way to 'test' her assertion is to get out of
the house for a weekend. Do something different/romantic.

As a male it is frustrating to have a decline in sex. (At the risk of
be a bigot) Men generally will have sex at any hour of the day, 365
days a year. Women have a lot of different reasons why they do or
don't want to have sex. Here is a short list of reasons that I have
discovered...

Stress (various reasons)
Hormones
Medications reasons (SSRIs block receptivity of the clitoris and reduce desire)
Present perception of the relationship 
Fear of pregnancy
Fear of sexual exploration
New found insecurity about their body

There are a lot of reasons and some of them intertwine.  A book that
you might take a look at is "Hot Monogamy: Essential Steps to More
Passionate, Intimate Lovemaking" by Dr Patricia Love (yes, that is her
real name).  There is a section in the book that discusses reasons to
why one partner may be "hot" when the other is not. There is some good
insight in this book, but no solid solutions.

The last thing I will say.. Keep the lines of communication open, keep
the sex interesting (various locations positions, etc) and try not to
get frustrated. Getting really frustrated puts a lot of pressure on
you partner and makes them feel like a performer, not a participant.

Best of luck.. I will post more references as I dig them out of my
bookshelf. And with regard to trusting your girlfriend, you have to,
or the relationship is over. Trust is the bases of any relationship,
sexual or platonic.

ps. ignore chango989's comment about 'respect'.  By communicating with
your girlfriend you have shown her respect. And regarding your
parents: as a 23 year old man, you have every right to make love in
your room. If this bothers your parents in anyway they should discuss
this with you.

If she started taking birth control pills around the time that she
started to not want sex any more, then that's the problem.  BCPills
will kill a girl's sex drive (isn't it ironic).

Fix a bolt to your door so that you both have some assured privacy.

A lot of the posted comments I think are very valid in normal relationships.

However, I think your girlfriend has lost interest in you, is losing
interest in you, or is using you.  There's a lot I could write about
what you wrote.  I may add more comments later.  But here are some
guidelines.

1.  Look at what people do, not what they say.  

First, if she was sincere about the relationship, she would be trying
to come up with alternatives so things could work out for both of you.
 It's a problem that you and her share--it's not a problem that
belongs only to you.

Second, don't believe her "I love you" statements.  "I love you"
doesn't solve problems (except in rare cases).  She is only saying
that so that you think everything is okay.  But you know the reality,
and you know that everything is not okay.

2.  Watch out for users.

Mainly, she seems more interested in keeping the relationship together
than having both your and her needs fulfilled.

This indicates that she is benefitting from the relationship in way
that she doesn't want to give up.  An example would be, you help her
with her homework, and she couldn't do it without you.  Another
example would be, you are close friends with somebody at the place
that she wants to work.  She'll do what she can including lying to
keep the relationship together.  In other words, she sees you as an
avenue to getting something greater that she wants.

She is not valueing you for you who are, but for what you can do.

If the above seems to be the case, prepare to break up with her.  If
she is dependent on you, she'll obviously be resistant.  But in
general, you are better off without her.

Hope this helps.

It seems as though everytime you got together with her you had sex.
Don't you think she feels you are just using her for sex? It should be
just as interesting to sit down and play a game of Scrable or checkers
with her. If the relationship is just sex, it's not a relationship.

Hi,
I would like to add a female point of view on this. I think there are
certain things you need to take in consideration. First of all, I
really do believe we have a weaker interest in sex overall. And
feeling pressured is a big turn-off. If we feel that we need to have
sex, or our partner constantly compains about it, that makes us feel
used, unloved, and turned off. Living with the parents is not a great
help, and you see your girlfriend only 3 hours a day, that is not
enough time. In my early 20's ,my sex drive was low after the initial
passionate beginning of a relationship it calmed down a lot. In my
thirties it has picked up, but still, my husband has had to
compromise. He has learned not to push or feel rejected, and that
freedom allows me to feel more in the mood. Do not mention sex or push
her for a while, wait until she comes to you and initiates it is my
advice.

In addition, I feel women feel about sex a bit like men feel about
love. It can feel to us like an unreasonable demand on your part that
you keep thrusting on us. Like our demand for love and its
demonstrations, your demand for sex and is just as annoying. Demand
less and you get more, for both sexes.