I am an over 59 1/2 years old man and have found out that my wife has
been having a romantic affair for the past few years.  I'm planning to
move out of our marital home and start a new life. We both have good
pensions and reasonable  assets (401K's etc.)   Wife and I both work
full time (and worked many years full time).    Only one 24 year old
son is at home just graduated college looking for job - reasonable to
ask him to pay for his COBRA medical insurance from salary from part time work? 
When can I stop paying for his "upkeep"? for how long need to
contribute to the "ex" family?   To date we've pooled our funds, but
upon moving out I'm hoping to pay to her only what's "reasonable and
customary" share- e.g. upon periodic review of incomming bills.  I
could see a transition phase where I continue to
contribute X amount to family expenses - but how much?  what items to
pay for and what not needed? (e.g assume I don't have to pay for her
food bills, but need to  share costs for mortgage and maintenence on
properties?)  we have a primary residence and an unoccupied summer
cottage, each
with a mortgage.   Would like it if summer cottage would be rented out
pending marital settlement, but wife likely won't like loss of access
-  any legal way induce her to get cottage rented out or for me to
stop paying this expense if "ex" does not want to rent out the place? 
 If she is not cooperative must I keep paying say 50% of each of these
mortgages + taxes + expences etc etc?   Believe my state has an 18
month minimum duration betwwn spearation and no fault divorce.  Also,
she may not be in any hurry to mediate and settle (she's got one man
to help pay bills and another for romance per current status quo) so
how to "encourage" her to mediate in timely (about 18 month) manner?

Dear jim654321-ga;

Thank you for allowing me to answer your interesting question. You
will note our disclaimer that we cannot provide legal advice in this
forum. My research merely reflects opinion and in some cases legal
references that are published for public consumption about matters
similar to yours.

?Only one 24 year old son is at home just graduated college looking
for job - reasonable to ask him to pay for his COBRA medical insurance
from salary from part time work??

Sure. I don?t see how this request is unreasonable at all. If you've
not been ordered by a court to pay the insurance you don't have to
continue doing it.

. . . . . 

?When can I stop paying for his "upkeep"??

Since he is by far a legal and fully emancipated adult you are under
no legal obligation to pay for ANY of his ?upkeep? in any way, shape
or form unless you have been legally ordered to do so by a court or
unless he is daiabled in some way. Furthermore, if he is able-bodied
and employed (or can be employed) I see no ethical obligation to
provide for his livelihood either, especially in view of the fact that
you now have an unexpected hardship of your own to overcome.

. . . . . 

?...for how long need to contribute to the "ex" family??

Again, unless you have committed yourself to some legal obligation
(such as acting as caretaker for a dependent) you are not obligated to
contribute anything whatsoever to ?the family? of your ?ex?.

. . . . . 


?To date we've pooled our funds, but upon moving out I'm hoping to pay
to her only what's "reasonable and customary" share- e.g. upon
periodic review of incoming bills. I could see a transition phase
where I continue to contribute X amount to family expenses - but how
much?  what items to pay for and what not needed? (e.g assume I don't
have to pay for her food bills, but need to  share costs for mortgage
and maintenance on properties?)  We have a primary residence and an
unoccupied summer cottage, each with a mortgage. Would like it if
summer cottage would be rented out pending marital settlement, but
wife likely won't like loss of access?any legal way induce her to get
cottage rented out or for me to stop paying this expense if "ex" does
not want to rent out the place??

You may have some substantial obstacles in the way with all this.
These issues will likely be determined by the court in the support and
equitable distribution of property portion of your divorce agreement.
If you cannot settle the issue between you in a fashion that is
agreeable to both parties the court will probably decide the issue for
you. Most states have laws in place to provide for equitable
distribution of property and support in the wake of a divorce and you
will probably be subject to these laws as opposed to your own idea of
when and how much to pay.

FREE ADVICE
?What is equitable distribution??
http://family-law.freeadvice.com/divorce_law/equitable_distribution.htm

FREE ADVICE
?What are some of the common labels and definitions used??
http://family-law.freeadvice.com/spousal_support/common_labels_definitions.htm

. . . . . 


?If she is not cooperative must I keep paying say 50% of each of these
mortgages + taxes + expenses etc etc??

Suffice it to say that your ?ex? has legal rights that you may not be
recognizing or aware of. She doesn?t HAVE to cooperate with you on ANY
issues. If she obtains a lawyer and gets good counsel you probably
won?t have a choice as to how much you pay on the mortgages, taxes,
expenses, etc.

. . . . . 

??how to "encourage" her to mediate in timely (about 18 month) manner?

Needless to say one cannot force another to consider meditation. The
very idea behind mediation is that both parties come to a civilized
agreement that suits their best interests as best as possible under
the circumstances. If you cannot agree on something as simple as
?when? to enter into mediation, it may be a foregone conclusion that
mediation itself is not going to go very well. You might try offering
her some attractive assets or additional temporary financial support
(or lump sum payment) that you wouldn?t normally offer with the
stipulation that the offer will expire and cease to be available after
a certain date. You might make it abundantly clear that if she does
not mediate within the time frame you specify that you will withdraw
your offer - permanently. This may entice her into coming to the table
sooner and put this whole nasty episode behind you. It is probably
also effective to try (for now at least) to be as civil as possible
and to treat the matter as a business deal. The more animosity you
have for one another the more difficult it will be to convince her to
do ANYTHING that is beneficial to you. Finally, you might try to
reason with her that mediation is the best way to go and the sooner
you do it the better off you will both me.

10 REASONS TO TRY DIVORCE MEDIATION
http://www.selfhelpmagazine.com/articles/divorce/mediat.html


If this fails your most obvious option is to consult a lawyer ? which
I highly recommend you do anyway.

The amount you pay during your separation will probably be taken into
consideration as separate maintenance at the time your divorce is
final. I am by no means encouraging you to stop paying support in this
interim period but you should consult a lawyer about when and how much
you should be paying. If you need to consult an attorney you can
always contact your state?s local bar association to get a free or low
cost referral to a lawyer who may be able to answer many of your
questions during an initial phone consultation or brief meeting in his
or her office. On the internet simply go to your state?s BAR
ASSOCIATION and look for the referral area, or visit the AMERICAN BAR
ASSOCIATION and select your state in order to get information about a
referral:

AMERICAN BAR ASSOCIATION REFERRAL DIRECTORY
http://www.abanet.org/legalservices/lris/directory.html


I hope you find that my answer exceeds your expectations. If you have
any questions about my research please post a clarification request
prior to rating the answer. Otherwise I welcome your rating and your
final comments and I look forward to working with you again in the
near future. Thank you for bringing your question to us.

Best regards;
Tutuzdad-ga ? Google Answers Researcher



INFORMATION SOURCES

Defined above


SEARCH STRATEGY


SEARCH ENGINE USED:

Google ://www.google.com


SEARCH TERMS USED:

DIVORCE

EQUITABLE DISTRIBUTION

SEPARATE MAINTENANCE

MEDIATION

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Request for Answer Clarification by jim654321-ga on 09 Dec 2005 14:20 PST

Request clarification:
  
regards my: ?To date we've pooled our funds, but upon moving out I'm hoping to pay
to her only what's "reasonable and customary" share- e.g. upon
periodic review of incoming bills. I could see a transition phase
where I continue to contribute X amount to family expenses - but how
much?  what items to pay for and what not needed? (e.g assume I don't
have to pay for her food bills, but need to  share costs for mortgage
and maintenance on properties?)  We have a primary residence and an
unoccupied summer cottage, each with a mortgage. Would like it if
summer cottage would be rented out pending marital settlement, but
wife likely won't like loss of access?any legal way induce her to get
cottage rented out or for me to stop paying this expense if "ex" does
not want to rent out the place??

and regards your answer: 
You may have some substantial obstacles in the way with all this.
These issues will likely be determined by the court in the support and
equitable distribution of property portion of your divorce agreement.
If you cannot settle the issue between you in a fashion that is
agreeable to both parties the court will probably decide the issue for
you. Most states have laws in place to provide for equitable
distribution of property and support in the wake of a divorce and you
will probably be subject to these laws as opposed to your own idea of
when and how much to pay.

Request clarification: My question is about what how to control
situation / how to minimize payments during the looooong 18 months
period before earliest time settlement could take place (not after
settlement).   Perhaps let someone else answer this?

---

Clarification of Answer by tutuzdad-ga on 09 Dec 2005 15:07 PST

Please stand by

Very satisfied with answer.

'Needless to say one cannot force another to consider meditation.'

Not even by putting her under hypnosis?

Get yourself to a lawyer before you separate.  He/she will give you
good advice about planning, and also what you can expect.  File for
divorce when you move (you can always convert your case to an
agreement later).  Most courts will hold a temporary hearing early on
(like within 3 weeks of filing for divorce) to decide how much
temporary support should be paid during the pendency of a divorce. 
Because it does take so long to get divorced these days, there are
some things that should be decided right away.  It is imperative that
you have legally binding court orders - so that you don't later get
stuck paying something more, and so the things that must be dealt with
are addressed early, and so you have a forum to go to when things are
going wrong.  A court can also order the parties to go to mediation,
although as mikomoro points out - a person cannot be forced to
cooperate. It is imperative that you are adequately prepared for the
temporary hearing as the court will often look to that as a guide when
making final orders (or if the two of you settle your own case, you
already have a guide of what the court is likely to do). Oh, and did I
say, get a lawyer.