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Q: Is my roommate interested me? ( Answered,   2 Comments )
Subject: Is my roommate interested me?
Category: Relationships and Society > Relationships
Asked by: kingston_romeo-ga
List Price: $60.00
Posted: 15 Dec 2005 12:49 PST
Expires: 14 Jan 2006 12:49 PST
Question ID: 606281

There is a woman that is currently living with me.  She moved in my
house at the beginning of September.

Before I get into the details, let me give you some background about her and me.

Lisa (not her real name) is 41 and just left her fiance few months
before moving into my house September 1 of this year.  She is very
attractive (in my opinion) with a great personality.  She have never
been married, nor has any children.  From my understanding he is a
Lawyer that would had a drinking and drug problem.  He would appear in
court representing his client under the influence of alcohol.  Also he
would take payment in the form of "drugs", where clients didn't have
cash to payment.  So he was either selling it or using it.

She is working towards starting up her own business as a Physco
Therapist and works full time in the day time.

Previous to her moving in, she use to work as a bartender in a local
bar I use to attend years ago.  I remember her very clearly.  She was
always friedly to me (at least I thought she was) by smiling or saying
hello outside of the bar (I would of course smile first and say

Now I will tell you about myself.  I am 37 and work in the IT field. 
I have never been married, nor have children.  I am not rich or poor,
but I would consider myself well for off living in Kingston. I would
consider myself a average looking guy with slim build.  I just
recently built a beatiful house last year.  I lived there myself until
Lisa moved in.  Have recently been through a lot of stress past two
years.  My sister tragicaly passed away in a house fire, almost lost
my mother 1 month previous to that, fell in love with a girl from
Russia almost married her (didn't work out), and finally stress of
buiding my house and working full time.

Now my question: "does Lisa like me".
When Lisa first moved in I tried to keep my distance because people
always say "keep an arm's length away" dealing people you don't know. 
The first weekend she moved in, she was in my backyard wearing a
bikini sun bathing.  When I seen her I didn't say anything (..thought
she looked rather nice..).  Basicaly said hi but did it in a
respectful way.  Over the course of few weeks, I got some compliments
from her and gave me some looks.  I went out one evenin with a friend
of mine and she mentioned she dress shirt I was wearing was nice.  On
other occasion we would be talking and she "looked me up an down". 
Meaning look at body from head to toe the look me into the eye.  I am
not sure if this was a sexual way of her letting me know she likes me
or it's her Physco Therapy training.  This I know has happened on
numerious occasions, but few months I don't really notice anymore
because I am use to talking to here almost everday.

Few weeks she moved I started to like her, not just for her looks but
her inner beauty.  She is very respectful, well mannered, very caring
person, very postive person (upbeat), takes careself, eats well, good
cook....the list goes on!  We would have great conversations about
everything from movies we match, so talking about our day at work.

Since I felt this way, I would give her compliments, do little things
for her like dig up potatos and beats from my parents garden, gave her
maple syrup I made.  I also did alot of cooking.  She didn't  I could
cook.  I made chil, chicken stew, cookies, pizza.  Even time I cooked
she would taste or smell it and mentioned it smelled good.  I would to
the same because she cooks too like lots of soups and ect.

Whenever she comes home at night, I really enjoy her company and
talking with her.  And when she doesn't come home until late, I really
miss her.  It's like my house fells so empty.  On a few occasions, she
didn't come home.  I initial thought she was dating someone, but the
next day she would tell me spent the night at her sisters or friend. 
I know she told me the truth because I could just sense it (she is
honest and wouldn't lie).  Even she moved in, she told she was single
and not seeing anyone.  Before she moved in I mentioned I wouldn't
feel comfortable with someone else having sex in house.  She also felt
the same way.

This has been on a my mind for few months now.  Sometimes, I have said
forget because I could never find a woman like her.  I think about her
alot, I have thought to myself, I don't think I could find such a
woman like her.  She in my opinion has it all, looks and smarts.

Just one other thing, few weeks ago weekout to local bar and actually
seen her.  I don't know why but, my heart started to race.  I felt
like shouldn't be there.  I know she seen me, but I let on that I
didn't see her.  She was with her sister that night.  At time time, I
crossed paths with her but, didn't make any eye contact.  I looked
back and noticed she looked as if "I was stuck up or something".  I am
not sure if she felt I was being stuck up.  I wanted to say hello, but
felt i would be invading her space (private life).

OK now, based on this could you give me some expert advise if she
likes me or not?  This is driving me crazy to find out.  I don't want
to pop the question to her because I don't want to affend or scare her

Please tell me based on the info, if she likes me and how I should
approach her about my feelings about her.

XMAS is here would be nice to know.  

Romeo from Kingston!
Subject: Re: Is my roommate interested me?
Answered By: jdb-ga on 26 Dec 2005 14:08 PST

I am responding to your request for expert advice on how to guage if
it is possible to have a romantic relationship with your roommate. I
happen to be in counseling psychology, but Google Answers guidelines
are for researchers to find website resources for your questions. It
does seem clear from your description that your roommate likes you and
your company. Your next step is to feel out whether you both can
develop a romantic relationship. Though one advice column below
advises a frame of mind of letting the friendship go in order to
pursue a romantic relationship, all of the other advice is to explore
the possibility of a romantic relationship in ways that respect and
protect the friendship and relationship you already have.

Here are some resources for this both in terms of people who are
roommates, and in terms of approaching the subject of a relationship
with someone who is a friend, in ways that will help determine how
both people want the relationship to develop, while hopefully
safeguarding the friendship. It may be encouraging for you to read the
questions below in which women also wonder the same thing in this
situation. I include helpful excerpts from the websites, and you can
go to the sites for more information.


How to Tell a Woman You Like Her Romantically

When you are interested in being more than just friends with a woman,
and you want to avoid being thought of like a brother, put your most
romantic foot forward. Stop wishing and wondering about how it will
all turn out, and let her know what kind of relationship you are
interested in.

1. Get inspired. Look back on the times when you really enjoyed being
around her, discovered that you might have a lot in common, or
realized that you had tremendous respect for her.

2. Put yourself in her shoes. Based on what you know about her,
imagine what language or situations might make her uncomfortable, and
avoid them. If you are unsure, err on the side of caution. Avoid
overemphasizing the appeal of her physical appearance.
3. Choose an appropriate venue for your disclosure, so that you can
avoid embarrassment and awkwardness as much as possible. Telling her
on a sailboat, miles away from shore, or announcing it from the
audience of a talk show might not work out well for either of you.
4. Make yourself clear. You do not have to be cryptic to be tactful.
Rather than wrapping your feelings of romance in a riddle, clearly
convey your attraction. "You might already know that I like you, but I
want you to know that I am interested in you romantically."
5. Keep the door open for a response, without putting pressure on her.
Let her know that you want to remain friendly, even if you do not
develop a closer relationship.
6. Resist requesting an immediate response. It is pretty off-putting
if you say, "Well, what do you think of me? I mean, I could be wrong,
but I am pretty sure that I was getting a vibe from you. Am I right or
am I right?"
7. Give your declaration some time to sink in. It may take a few days
or even weeks. Once you start counting the months go by, you can
safely bet she is not interested.
8. Let it go and move on if the feelings are not mutual or if she
doesn't mention it again.
9. Celebrate with her if she believes that you two just might become an item.  
10. Learn from your experience, whatever the outcome. What would you
do differently next time? Are you often interested in women who don't
feel the same way about you? Are you open to approaching different
women than you have ever considered for a relationship before?

Prepare for a positive experience, even if she doesn't share your
feelings, or if she isn't sure how she feels. Putting yourself out
there is great practice and may even encourage whoever likes you
romantically to step forward.


How to Overcome the Fear of Rejection: The Successful Rejection Experience
by Jonathan Robinson, MA, MFT

"To make it a bit easier for you, you can begin by asking someone to
lunch who would not normally be your first choice for a date. After
all, if they say "no," it won't matter to you so much. Once you've
built up your "ability" to be okay in the face of rejection, you'll be
better prepared to approach people who you really want to spend time
with. Ultimately, the ability to face rejection is one of the most
important skills a person can learn in order to create both personal
and business success."


Go Ask Alice!: Close friends ? take it to the next level?

"Dear Alice,

I have a very close friend whom I love very much. I have never been
closer to anyone than I am to her. We are both in college together and
we get along great. We are best friends and have a close relationship,
but I want to take it to the next level.

I really like this girl emotionally and sexually, but I am not sure
that she is ready or even wants to be more than friends.

What should I do?
Signed, Frustrated and Confused 

Dear Frustrated and Confused,

If you and she are close, your friendship should be able to weather a
conversation about the possibility of becoming more intimate. You
don't have to make a big deal out of it. When the time is right for
you, tell her what you're feeling. Say something like: "I feel closer
to you than I've ever felt with anyone. You're one of my best friends
and it would be great, if you were into it, to take our relationship
to the next level. If you're not, then I hope that my admission won't
change our current and great friendship in any way. (Of course, it's
hard to say if you will actually feel this way or would be okay with a
rejection.) What do you think?"

As awkward as it may seem, you'll be better off approaching the issue
this way, versus making a pass at her. An unexpected and unwanted
advance could really catch your friend off guard. If you talk about
it, at least she'll know where you stand.

Friendships like this are rare treasures. Tell her how much you value
what you do have and that, no matter what, you don't want to lose her
close friendship. You'll never know how she'll respond unless you say

If you are concerned that your news might affect your relationship in
a bad way, keeping your feelings to yourself, with the expectation
that another object of your affection will eventually come along, may
be your answer.

Also read Friends to partners possible? in Alice's Relationships archives:

Dear Alice, 

I am a student at Columbia College who has a big crush on a friend of
mine. While we are pretty close, I am not interested in ruining a good
relationship if he isn't interested. The thing is that I have begun
recently picturing myself married to this guy in thirty years and
seeing him across the breakfast table talking about our kids. I've
never felt this way about a guy before. It has usually been more
superficial. I keep meaning to tell him but I get really shy because
of my fear of destroying our friendship. I think about him often. What
should I do?

Looking for a little advice from a third party 

Dear Looking for a little advice from a third party, 

First of all, slow down. Thirty years is a long time from now --
especially if you don't know if the feelings are mutual.
Considering that you're good friends, how about talking with him about
how you feel? Let him know that maintaining the friendship is your top
priority, but that you're feeling attracted and interested in
something more. Check it out with him -- maybe he's feeling the same
thing, or maybe he's not. But, if you emphasize the friendship, at
least you have something to fall back on, if the interest is not
mutual. And, Alice wouldn't bring up the breakfast table thing with
him during that first discussion; it has major potential to scare him
away quickly. Slow down, pick a time and place where he won't feel
threatened, and you both can talk about where your relationship is and
where you'd each like it to go. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.



Is She Interested?
Ron Louis and David Copeland, dating coaches and authors

"...find out if she is open to the idea of being lovers with you.
While it's not completely effortless, if you run a few simple tests
during that critical period, you can find out.
When you do these flirting moves, you are not only trying to stay out
of the "friends" zone. You are also testing her, to get a sense of how
open she is.
By testing her with the flirting moves, you can find out her level of
interest or disinterest without doing much work or taking much risk.

Here's what to do:

The eye-contact test. While you are conversing with her, you want to
be sure to have eye contact at least some of the time.

At least once, hold the eye contact a little "too long"--just a
fraction too long, so there's a brief, more intimate moment between
you. If she holds your eye, she's interested in more. If she looks
away or seems upset by it, she's not.

The compliment test. In this test you give her a compliment, and see
how she takes it. The only trap here is that the compliment must be
one a potential lover would make, not one a tepid friend would. Here's
the difference: A man who is destined to be a woman's friend
compliments her by saying something like, "You have a very nice
briefcase." The compliment doesn't show that he is interested in her
romantically. It doesn't test her, because it hasn't give her anything
romantic to react to. A real compliment is something like, "Wow, you
have beautiful eyes," or, "I have to tell you, you have really great
style. You just light up the room." If she smiles at your compliment,
and thanks you warmly, she's interested in more. If she seems
uncomfortable, she's not.

Any flirting move can be made into a testing move--you can see a list
of body language flirting. The key is that romantic-interest testing
moves must 1) make it clear in some small way that you are
romantically interested while 2) not be so risky that you are either
scary or putting your ego on the line.

With a little practice these moves (and more like them) will become
second-nature to you, and you won't even have to think about them--you
will automatically do them every time you meet a woman you are
attracted to. Her responses will tell you if she is interested or not,
and you can assess whether or not you should initiate more
aggressively, and take bigger risks,
from that knowledge."


What Are Your Goals? Girl-Friend or Girlfriend?
by Dr. Dennis W. Neder

"Ok, so are you doomed to admire her from afar? No, but here's what
you're going to have to do.

1) Get over the friendship. If you are interested in pursing a
relationship with her, you're going to first have to give up the
friendship. If you're not willing to do this, forget it."
"You've got to change her thinking. Women organize men into two
categories: boyfriends and everyone else. Right now, you're in the
"everyone else" category - right smack-dab where you don't want to be!
Thus, you've got to get her to start seeing you as boyfriend material.
How do you begin? Simple - start ACTING like the boyfriend. Call her
up one day and say, "Hey - it's me. I don't know what plans you have
for Saturday night, but cancel them - I'm taking you to a nice sunset
dinner." Be somewhat subtle, but firm."

What is the easiest, least threatening way to let someone know that
you are romantically interested in them? How would one deal with the
situation if the other person was a good friend?

Heidi D. Posavac, Ph.D.
Staff Psychologist and Senior Instructor of Psychiatry
Counseling and Mental Health Services
University of Rochester


Hmmm, tricky question. It is always helpful if you can get a sense of
whether or not your friend would be likely to reciprocate the romantic
feelings. This "sense" or hunch can help you assess the chances that
your friend will respond favorably or the chances that such a
disclosure could do harm to your friendship.
These probablities may dictate your course of action (or inaction). 

There is the passive option and the active option. The passive way
would be to wait and see--that is, see how things unfold.

This could consist of both creating opportunities (e.g., go somewhere,
just the two of you) or waiting for opportunities to come along (e.g.,
looking for an invitation to come closer). Of course, if this is a
long standing relationship---things have already unfolded in a
non-romantic way. In this case, things are unlikely to change if you
don't take a more active stance.

The active option involves you confessing your romantic feelings to
your friend. This is the more threatening option of the two, but you
can take measures to make it less threatening. For example, not being
too intense when you bring it up. Taking a conversation, no-big-deal
stance is less risky. It conveys that if your friend does not feel the
same way----it will be okay.

That it, you haven't put everything on the line or you haven't made
yourself too vulnerable. Making yourself vulnerable to another person
is a good thing----but only when there is trust involved. I would
suggest not making yourself too vulnerable in such a risky venture.

Good Luck!"


University Health Center | Sexual Health | Your Relationships | Four
Components of a Healthy Relationship

"All healthy relationships -- whether they are friendship, roommate or
romantic -- have similar characteristics. The persons involved have
developed a way of combining the following common qualities in a
unique way that works best for them..."


I hope that you find this information useful. Please let me know if I
can be of further help. jdb-ga
Subject: Re: Is my roommate interested me?
From: starcharades-ga on 15 Dec 2005 13:20 PST
It's a very tricky situation being that she is your roommate and all.
On the one hand she could just be nice and affectionate. There are
times I will look close friends up and down, not in a sexual manner,
just to see what they are wearing. Also being that she is a
psychoanalysist, she might just be focusing on her work and trying to
better understand the profession through her private life. Although on
the other hand she could definitely be 'checking you out'. It
definitely seems as if you do have feelings for her though.

Now the problem of her being your roommate comes into play. If you try
to talk to her about it and you are off-base you could ruin a good
living situation. And in my mind, that is an amazing thing to actually
find someone you can stand living with. But if you dont approach her
it may drive you crazy always wondering. I think the first thing you
need to do is ask yourself if you would risk her being your roommate
to find out.

If you do feel that you need to find out where her feelings towards
you lie, I would suggest talking to her casualy at first. Maybe have
dinner together and talk about previous relationships. See if she
mentions anything personal. If she does, you can being to be a bit
more comfortable talking about things with her. You want her to open
up to you. Maybe have a bottle of wine at dinner. (People usually tend
to tell their true feelings when they get a bit tipsy. Though do not
try to get her drunk. Thats just rude, inconsiderate and quite skeezy)
One she begins to open up to you about her personal life you can talk
to her about your personal life too. Maybe casually touch her arm or
shoulder when you say something. See how she reacts. Does she pull
away from you and look a bit uncomfortable? Or does she mover her body
position more facing you, maybe even have a happy look in her eyes
from your touch. Though be careful, once again she may just be an
affectionate woman. I know many women who always look like they are
flirting but are not.

When you feel comfortable enough, bring it up. Not blunt though. Lead
into it a bit. Maybe say you were glad you saw her the other night.
Then maybe you could suggest the two of you going out to a bar
sometime. Dont ask in an 'I want to go on a date with you' way. Just
ask as friends. If she brings up wanting it to be a date, well then
you know she likes you. If not, go out with her. Have some fun. See
how she acts. And when you are ready ask her. Just say "I've been
noticing you lately, and was wondering where youre feelings for me
are". Something like that. You will need to ask at some point. Because
unfortunately, women are tricky and no one will ever know what a woman
is thinking. Not other women or men. Just think, if you dont ask her
you might regret it. And there is nothing worse than the feeling of

Good Luck!
Subject: Re: Is my roommate interested me?
From: victorm-ga on 28 Dec 2005 05:10 PST
You have to be careful about the "flirting" because people flirt with
people they like, but they also flirt with people they don't like. Let
me explain. Flirting with people they like is obvious. But people
often flirt with people they don't like because "they have nothing to
lose". It's a way to stroke the ego without the risk of crushing it
because they don't care if the person likes themback or not. This is
common among shy people who "practice" flirting on those they have no
feelings for, but become very tight lipped around those they like.

Another thing I tell my visitors at is that you not only have to
ask "does she like me" but "how many other guys does she like?" This
idea that while in the looking mode that someone will only like one
person is naive. It's possible she likes you, and likes a few other
guys too, at least while she's openly looking.

The best approach, without coming out and asking her, is to ease your
way in. Say things like "I'm going to a movie, wanna come?" This lets
you ask for her company without being rejected (if she says no, it
just means no to the movie), but if she says yes, you're spending more
time together.

Good luck

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