Hello,
I am responding to your request for expert advice on how to guage if
it is possible to have a romantic relationship with your roommate. I
happen to be in counseling psychology, but Google Answers guidelines
are for researchers to find website resources for your questions. It
does seem clear from your description that your roommate likes you and
your company. Your next step is to feel out whether you both can
develop a romantic relationship. Though one advice column below
advises a frame of mind of letting the friendship go in order to
pursue a romantic relationship, all of the other advice is to explore
the possibility of a romantic relationship in ways that respect and
protect the friendship and relationship you already have.
Here are some resources for this both in terms of people who are
roommates, and in terms of approaching the subject of a relationship
with someone who is a friend, in ways that will help determine how
both people want the relationship to develop, while hopefully
safeguarding the friendship. It may be encouraging for you to read the
questions below in which women also wonder the same thing in this
situation. I include helpful excerpts from the websites, and you can
go to the sites for more information.
---------------------------------------------------------
How to Tell a Woman You Like Her Romantically
http://www.ehow.com/how_7631_tell-woman-you.html
When you are interested in being more than just friends with a woman,
and you want to avoid being thought of like a brother, put your most
romantic foot forward. Stop wishing and wondering about how it will
all turn out, and let her know what kind of relationship you are
interested in.
1. Get inspired. Look back on the times when you really enjoyed being
around her, discovered that you might have a lot in common, or
realized that you had tremendous respect for her.
2. Put yourself in her shoes. Based on what you know about her,
imagine what language or situations might make her uncomfortable, and
avoid them. If you are unsure, err on the side of caution. Avoid
overemphasizing the appeal of her physical appearance.
3. Choose an appropriate venue for your disclosure, so that you can
avoid embarrassment and awkwardness as much as possible. Telling her
on a sailboat, miles away from shore, or announcing it from the
audience of a talk show might not work out well for either of you.
4. Make yourself clear. You do not have to be cryptic to be tactful.
Rather than wrapping your feelings of romance in a riddle, clearly
convey your attraction. "You might already know that I like you, but I
want you to know that I am interested in you romantically."
5. Keep the door open for a response, without putting pressure on her.
Let her know that you want to remain friendly, even if you do not
develop a closer relationship.
6. Resist requesting an immediate response. It is pretty off-putting
if you say, "Well, what do you think of me? I mean, I could be wrong,
but I am pretty sure that I was getting a vibe from you. Am I right or
am I right?"
7. Give your declaration some time to sink in. It may take a few days
or even weeks. Once you start counting the months go by, you can
safely bet she is not interested.
8. Let it go and move on if the feelings are not mutual or if she
doesn't mention it again.
9. Celebrate with her if she believes that you two just might become an item.
10. Learn from your experience, whatever the outcome. What would you
do differently next time? Are you often interested in women who don't
feel the same way about you? Are you open to approaching different
women than you have ever considered for a relationship before?
Tips:
Prepare for a positive experience, even if she doesn't share your
feelings, or if she isn't sure how she feels. Putting yourself out
there is great practice and may even encourage whoever likes you
romantically to step forward.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How to Overcome the Fear of Rejection: The Successful Rejection Experience
by Jonathan Robinson, MA, MFT
http://www.sosuave.com/articles/rejection.htm
"To make it a bit easier for you, you can begin by asking someone to
lunch who would not normally be your first choice for a date. After
all, if they say "no," it won't matter to you so much. Once you've
built up your "ability" to be okay in the face of rejection, you'll be
better prepared to approach people who you really want to spend time
with. Ultimately, the ability to face rejection is one of the most
important skills a person can learn in order to create both personal
and business success."
--------------------------------------------------
Go Ask Alice!: Close friends ? take it to the next level?
http://www.goaskalice.columbia.edu/1339.html
"Dear Alice,
I have a very close friend whom I love very much. I have never been
closer to anyone than I am to her. We are both in college together and
we get along great. We are best friends and have a close relationship,
but I want to take it to the next level.
I really like this girl emotionally and sexually, but I am not sure
that she is ready or even wants to be more than friends.
What should I do?
Signed, Frustrated and Confused
Dear Frustrated and Confused,
If you and she are close, your friendship should be able to weather a
conversation about the possibility of becoming more intimate. You
don't have to make a big deal out of it. When the time is right for
you, tell her what you're feeling. Say something like: "I feel closer
to you than I've ever felt with anyone. You're one of my best friends
and it would be great, if you were into it, to take our relationship
to the next level. If you're not, then I hope that my admission won't
change our current and great friendship in any way. (Of course, it's
hard to say if you will actually feel this way or would be okay with a
rejection.) What do you think?"
As awkward as it may seem, you'll be better off approaching the issue
this way, versus making a pass at her. An unexpected and unwanted
advance could really catch your friend off guard. If you talk about
it, at least she'll know where you stand.
Friendships like this are rare treasures. Tell her how much you value
what you do have and that, no matter what, you don't want to lose her
close friendship. You'll never know how she'll respond unless you say
something.
If you are concerned that your news might affect your relationship in
a bad way, keeping your feelings to yourself, with the expectation
that another object of your affection will eventually come along, may
be your answer.
Also read Friends to partners possible? in Alice's Relationships archives:
http://www.goaskalice.columbia.edu/0187.html
Dear Alice,
I am a student at Columbia College who has a big crush on a friend of
mine. While we are pretty close, I am not interested in ruining a good
relationship if he isn't interested. The thing is that I have begun
recently picturing myself married to this guy in thirty years and
seeing him across the breakfast table talking about our kids. I've
never felt this way about a guy before. It has usually been more
superficial. I keep meaning to tell him but I get really shy because
of my fear of destroying our friendship. I think about him often. What
should I do?
Sincerely,
Looking for a little advice from a third party
Dear Looking for a little advice from a third party,
First of all, slow down. Thirty years is a long time from now --
especially if you don't know if the feelings are mutual.
Considering that you're good friends, how about talking with him about
how you feel? Let him know that maintaining the friendship is your top
priority, but that you're feeling attracted and interested in
something more. Check it out with him -- maybe he's feeling the same
thing, or maybe he's not. But, if you emphasize the friendship, at
least you have something to fall back on, if the interest is not
mutual. And, Alice wouldn't bring up the breakfast table thing with
him during that first discussion; it has major potential to scare him
away quickly. Slow down, pick a time and place where he won't feel
threatened, and you both can talk about where your relationship is and
where you'd each like it to go. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Alice
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Is She Interested?
Ron Louis and David Copeland, dating coaches and authors
http://www.datingclass.com/seduction/is-she-interested.shtml
"...find out if she is open to the idea of being lovers with you.
While it's not completely effortless, if you run a few simple tests
during that critical period, you can find out.
...
When you do these flirting moves, you are not only trying to stay out
of the "friends" zone. You are also testing her, to get a sense of how
open she is.
...
By testing her with the flirting moves, you can find out her level of
interest or disinterest without doing much work or taking much risk.
Here's what to do:
The eye-contact test. While you are conversing with her, you want to
be sure to have eye contact at least some of the time.
At least once, hold the eye contact a little "too long"--just a
fraction too long, so there's a brief, more intimate moment between
you. If she holds your eye, she's interested in more. If she looks
away or seems upset by it, she's not.
The compliment test. In this test you give her a compliment, and see
how she takes it. The only trap here is that the compliment must be
one a potential lover would make, not one a tepid friend would. Here's
the difference: A man who is destined to be a woman's friend
compliments her by saying something like, "You have a very nice
briefcase." The compliment doesn't show that he is interested in her
romantically. It doesn't test her, because it hasn't give her anything
romantic to react to. A real compliment is something like, "Wow, you
have beautiful eyes," or, "I have to tell you, you have really great
style. You just light up the room." If she smiles at your compliment,
and thanks you warmly, she's interested in more. If she seems
uncomfortable, she's not.
Any flirting move can be made into a testing move--you can see a list
of body language flirting. The key is that romantic-interest testing
moves must 1) make it clear in some small way that you are
romantically interested while 2) not be so risky that you are either
scary or putting your ego on the line.
With a little practice these moves (and more like them) will become
second-nature to you, and you won't even have to think about them--you
will automatically do them every time you meet a woman you are
attracted to. Her responses will tell you if she is interested or not,
and you can assess whether or not you should initiate more
aggressively, and take bigger risks,
from that knowledge."
------------------------------------------------------------------
What Are Your Goals? Girl-Friend or Girlfriend?
by Dr. Dennis W. Neder
http://www.sosuave.com/articles/goals.htm
"Ok, so are you doomed to admire her from afar? No, but here's what
you're going to have to do.
1) Get over the friendship. If you are interested in pursing a
relationship with her, you're going to first have to give up the
friendship. If you're not willing to do this, forget it."
"You've got to change her thinking. Women organize men into two
categories: boyfriends and everyone else. Right now, you're in the
"everyone else" category - right smack-dab where you don't want to be!
Thus, you've got to get her to start seeing you as boyfriend material.
...
How do you begin? Simple - start ACTING like the boyfriend. Call her
up one day and say, "Hey - it's me. I don't know what plans you have
for Saturday night, but cancel them - I'm taking you to a nice sunset
dinner." Be somewhat subtle, but firm."
----------------------------------------------------------
"Question:
What is the easiest, least threatening way to let someone know that
you are romantically interested in them? How would one deal with the
situation if the other person was a good friend?
Heidi D. Posavac, Ph.D.
Staff Psychologist and Senior Instructor of Psychiatry
Counseling and Mental Health Services
University of Rochester
http://www.rochester.edu/ucc/Archive/yr01/02150101.htm
Answer:
Hmmm, tricky question. It is always helpful if you can get a sense of
whether or not your friend would be likely to reciprocate the romantic
feelings. This "sense" or hunch can help you assess the chances that
your friend will respond favorably or the chances that such a
disclosure could do harm to your friendship.
These probablities may dictate your course of action (or inaction).
There is the passive option and the active option. The passive way
would be to wait and see--that is, see how things unfold.
This could consist of both creating opportunities (e.g., go somewhere,
just the two of you) or waiting for opportunities to come along (e.g.,
looking for an invitation to come closer). Of course, if this is a
long standing relationship---things have already unfolded in a
non-romantic way. In this case, things are unlikely to change if you
don't take a more active stance.
The active option involves you confessing your romantic feelings to
your friend. This is the more threatening option of the two, but you
can take measures to make it less threatening. For example, not being
too intense when you bring it up. Taking a conversation, no-big-deal
stance is less risky. It conveys that if your friend does not feel the
same way----it will be okay.
That it, you haven't put everything on the line or you haven't made
yourself too vulnerable. Making yourself vulnerable to another person
is a good thing----but only when there is trust involved. I would
suggest not making yourself too vulnerable in such a risky venture.
Good Luck!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------
University Health Center | Sexual Health | Your Relationships | Four
Components of a Healthy Relationship
http://www.uhs.uga.edu/sexualhealth/your_relationships.html
"All healthy relationships -- whether they are friendship, roommate or
romantic -- have similar characteristics. The persons involved have
developed a way of combining the following common qualities in a
unique way that works best for them..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I hope that you find this information useful. Please let me know if I
can be of further help. jdb-ga |
