Hi Cynthia...

Its been awhile, but I need some sort of support and guidance...

As you may know, I've been with my ED afflicted man for 18 months now.

Last week, I caught him lying to me about meeting "another" woman.
He thought he had put me on hold....but I heard entire conversation :(

Everywhere I have looked and everyone I have talked to, says its
because I am causing his pain and therefore he's "chosen" to be with
people that don't make him address his ED issues...

Everone says that I'm the source of his pain and therefore its easier
and less stressful for him to be with others that don't know...

Has this been your experience with your ex?

I know I'm just trying to find a reason but I need some kind of
closure and confirmation......

Steph53

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Clarification of Question by steph53-ga on 18 Dec 2005 18:43 PST

Cynthia...

Since you have not responded, and after I've had all weekend to reflect on this,

I have finally come to terms with the fact that he has chosen to
remove himself from me due to
my causing him stress just for being me :(

I know it was a very "personal" question and I had no business posting
it on this very public forum....

So, I am sorry. Its just that I have nowhere/no one else to turn to...

Steph53

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Clarification of Question by steph53-ga on 19 Dec 2005 18:47 PST

Cynthia....

Please post your comment as an answer.

You hit the nail on the head. BINGO!!!!
You are absolutely right....

Although he has continually denied being in a new relationship ( says
he is just with "friends" )and denied "looking" for anyone else....

I know deep down I caused him stress and anxiety by wanting him to be
"normal" and "fix" the problem..
This is something he could never face, so it is easier for him to be
with women that are not yet "confrontational" about the lack of
intimacy and sex.

Deep in my head, I have known this all along, but just needed some confirmation.

Thank you and please post as an answer.
I will heal.

PS: Instead of a Chihuahua, I have a 4 year old little "dog" ( that
looks much like a cat ) who demands a lot of my attention. He's happy
now that I'm home with him all weekend now :)

I too will get past this pain.

Have a great Holiday season.

Steph53

Steph,

Thanks for asking me to post, even if the answer is not filled with hope.

First, another hug...  ((((((((((((((((Steph)))))))))))))))))))

I can understand your dismay, all too well. Why would a man with ED be unfaithful?

This is part of his pattern. The beginning of a relationship has no
problems, the honeymoon period, when the bloom takes hold is a magical
time. It's only later, when "the problem" becomes impossible to deny
that he becomes uncomfortable. He's on a quest to locate a woman that
doesn't confront this issue. He wants a woman that will join him in
denial. This has been going on for many years and this is his
"merry-go-'round" --a new relationship starts, intimacy develops,
sexual interaction begins, he becomes apologetic, avoids seeking help,
the partner insists on action, he maintains the relationship while
starting to look around for a "replacement." A replacement is found,
there is ensuing drama, this is the time he feels most "wanted", he's
being pursued by two women after all, people find out and get hurt,
then, when he has extracated himself from the prior relationship, he
settles down in a relationship with a new woman which inevitably and
eventually ends up strained, etc, over and over, the circle is
complete.

Steph, you gotta quit beating yourself up with this. Say goodbye to
the pain. Move on. Create a profile at Match.com, start dating, make
some new friends, try to keep yourself busy so you don't think about
it too much. Work extra hours, curl up with a good book, rent some
movies. Do some baking, clean the clean, splurge on something nice 
for yourself, and most of all, focus on healing...


Sincerely,
~~Cynthia

Thank you and buy your little doggies some Christmas treats with this.

Steph53

Wow Steph.  I feel for you.  Yes, I have had this happen with my man. 
Let me think about this overnight, keep in mind I don't get up till
noon...  ;-)

I was busy with work. I also tried to keep a lock on a great question, but lost it!

Anyway... I'm not posting in the answer box because you already know
the answer, and just want confirmation.

You are right, and beyond that, this is what I prepared for you:

Steph,

First, a hug...  ((((((((((((((((Steph)))))))))))))))))))

I can understand your dismay, all too well. Why would a man with ED be unfaithful?

This is part of his pattern. The beginning of a relationship has no
problems, the honelmood period, when the bloom takes hold is a magical
time. It's only later, when "the problem" becomes impossible to deny
that he becomes uncomfortable. He's on a quest to locate a woman that
doesn't confront this issue. He wants a woman that will join him in
denial. This has been going on for many years and this is his
"merry-go-'round" --a new relationship starts, intimacy develops,
sexual interaction begins, he becomes apologetic, avoids seeking help,
the partner insists on action, he maintains the relationship while
starting to look around for a "replacement." A replacement is found,
there is ensuing drama, this is the time he feels most "wanted", he's
being pursued by two women after all, people find out and get hurt,
then, when he has extracated himself from the prior relationship, he
settles down in a relationship with a new woman which inevitably and
eventually ends up strained, etc, over and over, the circle is
complete.

Steph, you gotta quit beating yourself up with this. Say goodbye to
the pain. Move on. Create a profile at Match.com, start dating, make
some new friends, try to keep yourself busy so you don't think about
it too much. Work extra hours, curl up with a good book, rent some
movies. My best idea! --Get a chihuahua, they demand all your
attention, and give 10 times the love in return!

(I have 2, believe me, this works)

Sincerely,
~~Cynthia

Steph, you are too kind!  Thank you SO MUCH for the kind words, the 5
stars, and the killer tip! My two chihuahuas are named Kitty and Mouse
(long story), and Kitty is pregnant! She's due about the 28th of
December. I'm going to take her for some primping, get her nails done,
and the rest I'll spend on some special (high in calcium) treats!

~~Cyn