What causes young lovers to break up?

Dear shadow69, 

There are many factors that lead to breakup between two lovers, and
when they are young - reasons only add up, because young and
inexperienced people have sometimes-different experiences concerning
love life, that older people already avoid, or do not encounter.

The most basic problem, and as noted by one of the researcher, is
differences that evolve with the time, or that existed before.
Differences in character and in expectations from each other are a
major cause for breakup in many relationships. This can stem from
falling in love in the first place with the wrong person - someone
whose expectations and character do not fit yours. Among young lovers,
whereas the development of character and the formation of
self-ambitions and expectations are not complete, there is higher
chance that changes would occur within time (one wants to go to
college, have a career and see the world, the other to stay at home
and bring up a family) and cause quiet naturally a separation.

One example is that sexual orientation itself sometimes develops quiet
late, especially if it's the "unconventional" one, i.e. homosexuality.
If someone discovers suddenly that they'd rather "play for the other
team", so to speak, there's not a lot one can do. However, there are
smaller differences that make a change in the relationships dynamics.
For example, aspirations mentioned before, political and social
attitudes (which also developed throughout time and young people still
form them), and many other differences.

It is needless to say, that sometimes the people we think we know turn
up to be not-the-people-we-thought after close inspection. Therefore,
it could be that from the beginning, the two partners were not
compatible. As Korean journalist Lee Eun-pyo wrote, "Because the love
cupid does not necessarily target the right person all the time, it
causes a great deal of heartaches and tragedies" (source: Lee Eun-pyo,
"Youth and Breaking Up", 21 June 2002
<http://www.hankooki.com/kt_op/200206/t2002062116530848110.htm>).

It should be also noted that in teens (and in many times also later in
life), people feel pressured to have a partner. They pick up someone
who might not be the perfect partner, only to have one. This of course
can cause a break-up if the basic reason for the relationships, at
least from one of the sides, is not love and companionship. This can
happen even with good friends who turn to be a couple, only to
discover that romantic relationships are not only friendship, but also
mutual physical attraction.

And here we get to the opposite of having a good friend and mistaking
them for a romantic partner - having someone to whom we're attracted,
but is not really a friend. This is more common among young people
from the sheer reason that they'd like to follow first and foremost
what they "feel", and that might be a momentary feeling that changes
later.

Relationships are like that famous Yin and Yang symbol - you can't
have "real" relationships when you have only friendship or only sexual
attraction (what we might call a crash) - you must have a combination
of both.

This is also related to another thing - the tendency of us, when we're
young, to experiment, try new things, and find out whom we are by
trying out. Tell you the truth, things that are related to
relationships, romance, and love, are very personal and subjective. I
bet that other researchers would have given a different answer than
that I gave - this has to do with the fact that each of us has the
experiences that shaped the way they view relationships (or love in
general). Being young and trying out - and sometimes also making
errors - is part of the deal.

Lee writes, "Due to the seemingly vulnerable qualities of the young
and inexperienced, long-term relationships are not successfully
established at this stage in life" (ibid).

I’ll finish up with a quote from a Rodgers/Hammerstein song that was
performed by Sinatra and Steve Wonder:
“Hello young lovers who ever you are
I hope your troubles are few
All my good wishes go with you tonight
I've been in love like you

….
“Don't cry young lovers what ever you do
Don't cry because I'm alone

All of my memories are happy tonight
I've had a love of my own

I've had a love of my own like yours
I've had a love of my own” 
 
(Source: Rodgers/Hammerstein, “Hello Young Lovers"
<http://www.vex.net/~buff/sinatra/cgi/arch.cgi/Hello_Young_Lovers>).

Search strategy explored the web with words such as “breakup” and
“relationships” and “young lovers”.

I recommend also to check up the site
http://relationship.lifetips.com/OurGurus.asp (relationships tips) and
the newsgroup alt.soc.singles
<http://groups.google.com/groups?hl=en&lr=&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&group=soc.singles>

I think that answered your question. However, if you need any
clarifications on the answer, please let me know.

Typically, young lovers (and older persons)are attracted to something
they perceive as desirable in the other person, i.e. strength,
kindness, tolerance, courage, wisdom, etc.  While in the "in love"
stage, they are viewing the other person through these perceptions and
acknowledging what matches - "He tied my nephew's shoes for him -
isn't he sweet?" and probably denying what doesn't match.  Inevitable,
since no one person can meet all the needs of another and probably
shouldn't, at some point the facade begins to crumble.  When one young
lover begins to see negative points about the other "he is possessive
and vindicative" that outweigh the positive points, then the
relationship begins to fail.  Until a person is mature enough to go
into the relationship with a full acceptance of the other, faults and
all, there will eventually be a breakup.

It is the nature of most children to be variety-seekers. I believe
that, until a person has matured to the point where variety and
novelty in relationships are valued less than stability and mutual
trust, it is likely that many relationships, while intense and
sincere, will be of short duration.

Great book is "The Evolution of Desire" by Professor David Buss.  A
potentially life-changing book.

Have to add my $0.03 (but of course) :

Part of it is due to the fact that they're still in a somewhat
protected environment. It's easy to fall in love when you don't think
too much about it --how you're going to survive, where're you gonna
get a job, have a house, car, feed the children etc. Love is great but
very unfortunately doesn't pay any bills. They're in love with love
more than they're in love with each other. I think a marriage is a
commitment to an institution (pun intended,) it's not something people
should take lightly. Robert J. Waller (Bridges of Madison County)
"explains" this better than I can.

Dr. Nancy Kalish has written a book about lost loves and done a lot of
research about the subject of young love, why the relationship didn't
work at the time and why many of these relationships were reunited
after many years of being apart.   Her website is:  www.lostlovers.com