My wife and I are both working professionals with an infant child. A
nanny watches our child during the day. We live in the Bay area. 
We're considering selling our home and moving to Portland so that my
wife would not have to work. Can you offer guidance on the issue?  How
important is it to have the mother stay home with the child?

Hello Duke!

My colleagues who commented below very astutely noted that there are
many factors which influence whether or not to have a parent at home,
the most important of these being your own values, wants and needs.

I get the impression that you both would like for her to stay home
with your baby, and are looking for a bit of reassurance that you're
making the right decision.  I can't answer that part for you - only
you can do that - but I can share my experiences as a Mother At Home
of nearly eleven years, and point you toward resources to help you
make your decision.

The first thing to consider is whether you are both willing to make
sacrifices in order for your wife to be at home.  I'm assuming you've
discussed this in depth and she's expressed a desire to be with your
baby, instead of leaving the child with a nanny.  Some women are
very...forceful...about this issue.  I was, anyway.  I knew in no
uncertain terms that I wanted to be home for all of it, the good bits
and the bad bits, and my traditionally minded husband was willing to
do whatever it took so I could be home with our son (now two sons,
ages 6 and 10).

There are lots of bad bits at first.  At first.  But with a little
support and a lot of patience and creativity it can work, and to great
effect.  And the rewards are wonderful.

Consider first that being an at home parent is hard work, and some
days it's non-stop.  Little people are very demanding and time
consuming endeavors, constantly in need of a diaper change, a snack,
someone to snuggle...someone to throw up on or screech at or bite upon
when teething.  There will be days when the parent at home will feel
isolated, especially if the only intellectual stimulation s/he gets
for a while is the odd playgroup conversation with another at-home
parent (always discussing who's baby did what and when!) or the
constant Sesame Street episodes that eventually become a necessary
part of the day.

If she's not prepared for the feelings of isolation that *do* crop up,
no matter how many friends and family members you have to support you,
it can be a shock.

Consider also the expense of giving up an income.  You say you're
planning to move to Portland in order to enable your wife to stay
home.  I assume this is because the cost of living in Portland is much
more reasonable than that of the Bay Area, and that you've looked
carefully at your financial options.  Ask yourselves what you're
willing to sacrifice in order to enable your wife to be home full
time.

A good resource to get you started thinking about the affordability of
the decision is the Salary Calculator:

THE SALARY CALCULATOR
http://www.homefair.com/homefair/calc/salcalc.html

The Salary Calculator allows you to figure out how much money you need
to make in order to maintain your current standard of living, based on
your current salary, whether you wish to own your home or rent, and
where your destination is.

By way of example, if you're currently living in San Francisco and
making $100,000 annually, you need only make $43,969 in Portland, OR
to maintain your current standard of living.

Do keep in mind, though, that you may incur additional expenses after
such a move, including increased property, sales and vehicle taxes,
increased licensing fees, and many others listed by Homefair.com:

Additional Costs
http://www.homefair.com/homefair/servlet/ActionServlet?pid=500&homefair&to=%2Fservlet%2FActionServlet%3Fpid%3D187%26art%3DaddCosts%26cid%3Dhomefair&pagename=200&internal=T&partner=homefair

Of course, you wouldn't have the child care expenses to worry about
anymore! :)  In any case, consider your budget carefully and consider
what other cost cutting measures you're willing to take to make it
work, as well as the need for the occasional "break" for your wife,
and ways to help her feel emotionally and intellectually stimulated in
the face of all baby, all the time days.

Monster.com, the job portal, offers a nicely summarized article about
making the decision of work or stay home which stresses that it is not
a "one size fits all" decision:

Continue to Be Corporate or Stay at Home?
http://content.monster.com/wlb/articles/flextime/towork/

I might have torn all of my hair out from worry and frustration the
first year I was home if it hadn't been for a wonderful organization
called Mothers At Home.  These days, they've re-christened themselves
The Family and Home Network, and they're continuing their mission to
provide a "cheering section" to parents who make the choice to be
home.

The Family And Home Network
http://www.familyandhome.org/index.html

The Family and Home Network offers articles, resources and advice, all
written with the stay at home parent in mind.  Typical articles
include how to deal with feelings of isolation, how to revitalize
yourself when you're feeling worn down - especially if your spouse
works a lot and you're mostly "home alone", how to stretch your budget
and how to handle the developmental and disciplinary issues that
eventually arise with each child.  Additionally, at home parents share
their experiences with the joys and rewards of being at home.  They
acknowledge that it is hard work, but they are happy to do that work.

Having been at the whole Mom thing for a while now, I'm a lot more
confident in myself and in my abilities, but that first year, I was
incredibly grateful for the presence of groups like MAH.  Many
contributors to Welcome Home, the group's monthly publication, left
professional careers to pursue their "other career" - the articles are
thoughtful and encouraging, and deal honestly with the doubts that
crop up after leaving a successful and rewarding professional career
for the unpaid employment of full time parenting.

Another terrific resource to consider while you and your wife make
this important decision is The Lightkeeper:

The Lightkeeper - Stay at Home Parents Page
http://www.thelightkeeper.com/sah/index.htm

The Lightkeeper has collected numerous links to articles and support
groups - from how to make it work financially, to how to deal with
frustration and isolation, to where to find other at-home parents to
talk to, to the very eye-opening " How Much Does Mom Really Make?"
calculator, the Lightkeeper is a great place for answers.

Still other resources that are worth a look:

SoapBox's Stay At Home Parenting Links
http://www.geocities.com/Heartland/2351/sahm.html

Parenting.com - Can You Afford To Stay At Home?
http://www.parenting.com/parenting/family_finance/budget/stay_home.html

How important is it for a parent to be at home with the children?  It
really does depend on who you ask.  Ultimately, you have to decide how
important it is *to you* that one of you stay home full time. Every
child, every family, every situation is different.  Where my colleague
Tehuti was bored and resentful, I've been happily busy and thrilled to
be able to stay closely involved with my children's lives.  No
"expert" is going to be able to make the decision for you - nor should
you want them to.

The BabyCenter offers a detailed breakdown of the questions that come
up when a family is trying to decide whether or how to keep a parent
at home, concluding with:

"If you're convinced that you're the best person to care for your
child, and if you're willing to make the necessary emotional and
financial sacrifices, staying at home is probably for you. You'll have
the joy and satisfaction of being there for your child as he grows and
develops, and your child will have the most loving, attentive care he
can get."

Stay-at-Home Parents 
http://www.babycenter.com/refcap/baby/babychildcare/5959.html

It's a wonderfully well balanced page, with links to both sides of the
eternal debate, and well worth reading.

Good luck as you embark on your parenting adventure!  If you need
further assistance or more resource links, just ask!  I'll be happy to
help!


--Missy

I have the impression, going on general reading in the past, that it
is possible to prove the matter either way by judicious selection of
citations. I would certainly consider one key factor to be your wife's
attitude to the idea. Some women enjoy spending time with small
children, others are driven out of their minds by it.  If your wife is
happy to leave work, and if she relishes the prospect of spending more
time with your child, then it is probably all for the best.  However,
if she will be resentful of giving up, or at best delaying, her career
prospects, and if she will be bored silly by baby talk and mother and
toddler groups, I would advise you to think very carefully before
leaping.

Of course there are also further options, especially if your salaries
are similar: (a) you give up work and become a house husband while she
continues to work, (b) both of you arrange to work on a part-time
basis and share the child care, (d) one of you works part-time and
shares the child care with a nanny, (c) one or both of you develops a
home-based business or consultancy.

I think this is very much an individual decision, very much influenced
by personality. I was at home with children for the first four years,
more through chance than design.  I thought my brain was becoming
atrophied through lack of use. I felt resentful and unhappy.  After
four years, I went back to college to update my qualifications, and
then went to work.  My children passed through a succession of
childminders from the ages of 3 and 4, but do not seem at all scarred
by the experience.  Both are well-balanced in their own individual
ways, and, more importantly, both have achieved an enviable degree of
self-confidence and independence that is lacking in some of their
peers.  Both have done well at school, and neither has had any
psychological problems.  One is at university, and the other is
currently putting in her application for university.  Both are loving
young women, who became more and more my friends with each step
towards independence that they took.  Of course, this is totally
anecdotal, and I await other comments which will argue against my
position.

Dear duke36,

I am afraid that I can't disagree with anything that tehuti said...
"studies" can be found to support either view, so it comes down to
your wife's (and your own) values. Since there are 24 hours in
everyones day - either staying home or working full time will involve
opportunity costs.

Some additional personal view:

- The average professional mother may have greater advantages over the
average nanny as the child matures. ie as the requirements change from
cuddles and c-a-t to cuddles and "how do scientists know what is in
the centre of the earth?", "do snails breathe?" and "why do people use
opium?"

- School hours will come much sooner than expected and offer the
opportunity for work with little and no childcare.

- A decision either way does not have to be permanent.

- A move from the Bay Area may involve other opportunity costs eg
employment and education.

- Refinancing with historicaly low interest rates and lack of nanny
outgoings, may allow life in the Bay Area on a single income or the
possibility of maintaining ownership in the Bay Area while still
moving to Portland.

Sorry, no simple advice except to work out your own values, and then,
alignment of your decisions and life with those values should lead to
minimum regrets.

Regards,