For full disclosure, I am a complete idiot. Now that we've got that
out of the way, here's what I did and want to do.

In California, on two seperate occasions, I received a fixit ticket
for driving without my license. I neglected to "fixit" or to pay the
fine which showed up later.  I then received a notice that my license
has been suspended (duh, right?)

I want to set things straight, but I'm not sure how to go about paying
the fine.  I don't have any paperwork regarding the fees or to whom I
should pay them. I'm a little scared to approach a police officer
regarding this, so in my humblest moment I beseech thee, Oracle of
Google, how do I get out of this mess?

Hi Dollyllama!

You're not an idiot!  It's just a case of selective memory!  ;)

Getting your license re-instated after neglecting to pay your fines
isn't as scary as you might think.  In fact, Jean at California
Department of Motor Vehicles General Information line said it's a
snap.

Here's what you need to do:

Call the California Department of Motor Vehicles General Information
line at 1-800-777-0133.  Press "0" at the prompt to be connected to a
DMV agent.  They're awfully busy, so you might have to hold for a
minute - my call was answered in less than 2 minutes.

Tell the agent that your license was suspended due to unpaid fines,
and be certain to tell the agent why you were fined to begin with. 
You'll be asked for your full name and driver's license number.

The DMV agent will pull your record - if the computers are happy, it
will take only a few minutes to see when the fines were issued and for
how much.  The Agent will then be able to give you the citation number
and the court through which the fines were levied.

From there, you'll need to contact the relevant court with your
citation number, and follow the court's instructions for paying your
fines.  The procedure varies from court to court - some may ask you to
pay in person, others may provide you with a mailing address.  Be
certain to follow the court's instructions carefully.

Once your fine is paid, you'll need to obtain an abstract from the
court, stating that the fines have been paid.  Submit this to the DMV
*in person*.  You may be required to pay a $55 license re-instatement
fee - this is dependent upon your individual situation.  The DMV agent
who looks up your record will be able to give you further details.

And that's it.  Except for the dent in the checking account, pretty
painless, right?

Good luck!  If any part of my answer is unclear, don't hesitate to ask
for clarification.  I'll be happy to help.

--Missy

My search terms included:  [ California DMV ] Once there, I selected
"Contact Us", and called the number for the first field office listed.
 The agent was very sweet and helpful!

Super. Thanks!