I would like to know something about domestic violence.
I filed the report that my boyfriend attacked me.He was arrested this
month.The court day is next month.I wanna know how to drop this case
because I don't wanna ruin his life.Thanks.

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Request for Question Clarification by justaskscott-ga on 27 Sep 2002 21:15 PDT

This is a very important and serious question, and I'm sure that the
researchers and commenters on Google Answers will treat it that way.

I think that we can better assist you if you can provide some
additional information.  (If you feel that any of the information is
too personal or sensitive, I'm sure that we won't mind if you don't
want to tell us.)

In what state or country are you located?  (I would ask for the city
or town also, but especially if you are in a small town, it might
reveal too much about you.)

Did your boyfriend actually attack you?  Or, to put it another way, is
the report you filed with the police correct?  (I'm asking these
questions not to pry into your personal life, but because it might
affect your options in this situation.)

What has your boyfriend been charged with?  (It might make a
difference, for example, if your boyfriend is charged with domestic
violence, as opposed to an assault and battery.)

I imagine that other researchers and commenters will have other
questions that may help us to respond to your request.  I just wanted
to start with these questions.  I hope that we can assist you.

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Clarification of Question by lightblue-ga on 27 Sep 2002 23:44 PDT

well.thanks for help...
We live in NY city.The report I filed is correct.He did attack me.He
is charged with domestic violence even though we didn't live
together.Please tell me how could I stop the court date or dismiss my
case because I really don't wanna see things go this way.

The basic answer is that it no longer just your decision.  Once
criminal charges are filed in an incident, it becomes a matter of the
state vs. the suspect rather than the victim vs. the suspect. In other
words, it is the state (or other jurisdiction) prosecuting, not you.
The state has every right to go ahead and prosecute whether you wish
to cooperate or not. In fact, you could even be forced to testify
against your will. (In many jurisdictions, one can’t be forced to
testify against a spouse. But since you aren’t married, that provision
doesn’t apply.)

If you don’t want your attacker prosecuted, then you have two basic
alternatives:

-- Contact the prosecutor’s office, the one that has brought charges
against your attacker. Explain to them why don’t want him prosecuted
and explain why you won’t cooperate willingly. The prosecutor’s office
has the authority to drop the case, but it isn’t obligated to. It
might do so, however, if your refusal to cooperate would significantly
hurt the case against your attacker. The prosecutor also might be more
likely to drop the charges if you explain how your attacker has
received psychological therapy or other professional help in dealing
with his criminal behavior.

-- Contact your attacker’s attorney. He or she might be in a better
position than you are to contact the prosecutor’s office and possibly
work out a deal that would avoid a trial. The fact that you don’t want
prosecution can work to your attacker’s benefit, and his attorney may
be in a better position than you are take advantage of your decision.

Like I said, though, the bottom line is that it’s the prosecutor’s
decision whether to proceed, not yours. The best you can do is use
whatever powers of persuasion you have. Remember that the prosecutor’s
job is to help prevent domestic violence. Frankly, the prosecution’s
mission to fight crime (and beating up women is a crime) is more
important to the justice system than are your wishes. But most
prosecutors try to be sensitive to victims’ wishes, so you might have
some influence.  The more you can do to explain what steps your
attacker has taken to keep this from happening again the more likely
it is he can avoid prosecution.

Here are some Internet resources you may find helpful:

New York State Domestic Violence Courts
This is a look at the justice system as it pertains to domestic
violence.
http://criminaljustice.state.ny.us/ofpa/domviolcrtfactsheet.htm

New York City Resources
If you are attacked again, or if you wish to reconsider your
situation, one of these agencies can help.
http://www.serve.com/zone/everyone/resource.html#city

Safe Horizon
This site has telephone numbers and other information for New York
City victims of violence.
http://www.safehorizon.org/

New York City Domestic Violence Cases
This is a look at domestic violence from a defense point of view.
http://www.queensdefense.com/domestic_violence_cases.htm

Google search term: “new york city” “battered women” “domestic abuse”
://www.google.com/search?q=%22new+york+city%22+%22battered+women%22+%22domestic+abuse%22

Best wishes,

mvguy

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Request for Answer Clarification by lightblue-ga on 28 Sep 2002 10:06 PDT

who is prosecutor?The detective or the domestic attorney?Thanks....

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Request for Answer Clarification by lightblue-ga on 28 Sep 2002 12:14 PDT

Is Prosecuter a district attorney?Because the detective told me that I
can talk to the districe attorney about dropping the case.But how can
I cantact the prosecuter's office.I don't even know their number.I
live in NY Queens.What can I do now?Thanks your hep.I really
appreciated it.

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Clarification of Answer by mvguy-ga on 28 Sep 2002 15:00 PDT

You're right.  The prosecutor and district attorney are the same thing
(the terms can be used interchangeably).  The detective is the person
who investigates the case and thus provides information to the
district attorney, but it's the D.A. who is responsible for any
decisions.

Contact information for the Queens D.A. office can be found on this
page:

Queens County District Attorney Directory
http://www.queensda.org/Office%20Directory/QDA%20Telephone%20Directory.htm

The main phone number is (718) 286-6000.  The number for the Domestic
Violence Bureau is (718) 286-6550.

These other pages from the D.A.'s site may also be of interest:

Home Page 
http://www.queensda.org/

Opening Argument
This is an explanation of how the department handles domestic violence
cases.
http://www.queensda.org/New%20Judge's%20Column.htm

Best wishes,

mvguy

Thanks for help.I really appreciate it.I hope I can work this out as
soon as possible.

National Domestic Violence Hotline
1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
http://www.ivillage.com/relationships/features/hotline/articles/0,9632,188920_7543,00.html

(Laws vary between states)
"victims who chose to drop charges against their batterers...were more
likely to experience abuse again than those dealt with under mandatory
prosecution."
http://www.vawprevention.org/policy/mandarrest.shtml

The Gift of Fear: Survival Signals That Protect Us from Violence by
Gavin De Becker
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0440226198

The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize it and How to
Respond by Patricia Evans (although you have already passed this
stage)
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1558505822

http://www.ivillage.com/relationships/features/doms_abuse/articles/0,9632,187050_37725,00.html
http://www.ivillage.com/relationships/features/doms_abuse/articles/0,9632,187050_64798-1,00.html

http://www.mincava.umn.edu/vaw.asp

http://www.ncadv.org

http://www.questia.com/Index.jsp?CRID=domestic_violence&OFFID=se1

http://www.sinnocence.com/dv.html

Feel free to ask for more information.

Lightblue, I am not a Google researcher but I feel I have to add a
comment to your question. What are your reasons for wanting to
withdraw the charge besides not " wanting to ruin his life " ?
Do you have any idea on the statistics of domestic abuse and the
consequences in North America?
I do know it is widespread but because so many spouses are " afraid "
or "worried" about charging their abusers that the whole situation has
gotten out of hand. With so many different states having their own
laws, it difficult to say the least.
May I just ask that you rethink on this........... domestic abuse, be
it verbal, psychological,physical or emotional can be devastating. To
forget or forgive could be identified as "enabling ". Just my thought
on this........

lightblue...

The ONLY reason to reconsider your decision to file the
report is if you were not, in any way, abused in the first
place - and I doubt that this is the case.

I worked in the field of mental health for 25 years, and
it is incredibly, and sadly, common for victims of abuse
to "forgive" their attackers, blame themselves, and feel
deserving of punishment, which comes when they are next
abused by the same person they forgave. 

In addition to the excellent input by ulu and steph53,
I would add simply that you deserve better than a life
of pain and sorrow. I would strongly recommend focusing
on your own life, rather than your boyfriend's. This 
probably feels selfish to you, but I assure you that your
ability to enhance the happiness of another is entirely
dependent on your ability to feel happiness within yourself.
I would strongly recommend seeking counseling or support
groups which can help to improve your sense of self-worth
and self-esteem, as well as assertiveness training.
One such resource is free and is called CODA, for 
CoDependents Anonymous:  http://www.codependents.org/
They have free meetings almost everywhere.

And, please understand this - if your boyfriend is abusive,
YOU are not ruining his life, HE is - and if you back out
now, you'll be preventing him from receiving the counseling
he needs to become a better person, which is a standard
consequence for most perpetrators of domestic violence.


Searches done, via Google:

Codependents Anonymous
://www.google.com/search?num=50&hl=en&lr=&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&safe=off&q=Codependents+Anonymous

sublime1-ga

"In these pages, you will find information that will help you navigate
the court system in New York. "
http://www.womenslaw.org/NY/NY_main.htm
http://www.womenslaw.org/NY/NY_how_to.htm
http://www.womenslaw.org/more_info.htm

"Beware of pressure to drop criminal charges
Sometimes victims who file contempt charges are pressured into
dropping the charges because they believe their abuser may go to jail.
 Although incarceration is a possible sentence, and many times the
sentence a victim would like to see the abuser receive, it is not the
only possible sentence.  Sometimes the abuser may receive probation, a
fine, or a suspended sentence instead of a jail term."
http://www.womenslaw.org/NJ/NJ_how_to.htm

"Just dropping the charges is not the answer"
"These experts have learned that dropping charges does nothing to help
the victim and the abuser break the cycle of violence. In fact, too
often, dropping charges leads ultimately to more abuse."
http://www.thesylvaherald.com/dom-violence4.htm

"He’s Sorry and I want to Drop the Charges"
"The Court and People would prefer to see some sort of treatment for
the Defendant (boyfriend) to insure that this type of behavior does
not continue."
http://216.239.51.100/search?q=cache:cCYko4MfpWkC:www.waynetimes.com/legal.htm+dropping+charges+abuse+NY&hl=en&ie=UTF-8

"Most experts agree that these no-drop policies provide increased
protection for a victim because her attacker realizes the prosecution
will continue even if he intimidates her into refusing to cooperate
with the prosecutor" (1994 data)
http://www.mobar.org/journal/2002/julaug/swingle.htm

I truly hope you are making the right decision , lightblue........
Please think about it long & hard.......... you say he attacked
you??????
I know the question has been answered.......... but I am still shocked
by some of the answers & your comments......... There are several
support sites for abused people........I for one, belong to a
wonderful site that has helped me to identify what I am & what I
was.........
If you ever need help:
http://groups.msn.com/SpousalAbuseCircleofFriends

You have received some excellent information from your advocates here.
If you take the time to read all the research cited by them, I think
you will find it an eye-opening experience (I certainly did!).

I would like to reiterate several important points (I am bypassing the
research citations because the others have done such a great job, and
these points are included within them):
1) Nothing you will do or have done EVER makes you deserve to be
abused (or slapped around a little, or punished, or "taught a lesson",
whatever he calls what he is doing to you).
2) Not only are you not responsible for trying to help your boyfriend
overcome his abusive behavior, it is also not likely that you will
ever be able to do so, especially by being "forgiving" and
"understanding". If he ever does change, that change will come from
something else (like being prosecuted for abuse).
3) Even if he is really sorry and really nice to you right now, that
is a temporary condition. If you stay with your boyfriend, the abuse
is not only NOT likely to stop, it is likely to get even worse.
4) If you drop the charges, it will only serve as confirmation to him
that he did not do anything wrong, and the abuse is likely to continue
and possibly escalate.

I will add one web citation, and I hope you will think seriously about
it.
http://www.athealth.com/Consumer/disorders/DomViolFacts.html#6
"Battering is often lethal. Each year, 2,000-4,000 women in the U.S.
are murdered by abusive partners/ex-partners."

In the past, I have been at times by myself and lonely, and at times
with someone and miserable. I can GUARANTEE you that while being
lonely sucks, being miserable (or dead) is far worse. I hope you will
find the courage not only to let the charges stand, but to use the
resources cited here by others to make a clean break with your
boyfriend, and re-start your life.

Best wishes to you -- you will be in my thoughts.