Hi Steph,
How are you? I handled your first question to Google Answers, and I'm
glad to see you back with us. I had considered posting this as an
answer, but changed my mind. I haven't been able to find a definitive
study for you, so all I have to offer you are my personal
observations.
The answer to your question is...
You can't, really. But if it makes you feel any better, you can't
know for certain if the fella chatting you up in the grocery store is
really what/who he says he is until you take the time to get to know
him, either.
We've all heard the horror stories - nice girl meets boy at school/in
a bar/at church. He's wonderful, he's charming, he says he has a
terrific job, a great education. She falls for him, and they're happy
together until he slips up and one after another, his lies begin to
unravel. He's not who he claimed he was. Or maybe she's not who she
claimed to be. I supppose, Steph, that there's always the chance for
deceit, whether online or out here in the Real World.
Can I help you ease your mind a little?
In five years of wandering the Internet daily, I've met some of the
most wonderful people imaginable. Usenet is my passion - in
particular, a group devoted to the discussion of a certain author.
That group is populated by people of every persuasion and educational
background, people who write about their thoughts with such heart and
such detail. In a group like that, private correspondence is often
spawned from public discussions - sometimes to nitpick over a point,
sometimes to lend a word of encouragement when someone is having a
rough go of things. Such correspondence has led me to some of the
most wonderful friends anyone could ask for. We regularly visit each
other's homes - they've come to stay with me and my family, and have
hosted me or my family and me many times over. We have all become an
extended family, and I am grateful for it every day.
I met my very best friend through that newsgroup - a bright,
hilarious, warm hearted young man who never fails to make me smile.
We participated in newsgroup discussions and private correspondence,
began using ICQ to keep in touch, and one evening...he called. And we
talked. And laughed. And laughed some more. Having been involved in
the same newsgroup for more than a year, and having had quite a lot of
correspondence and chat time, we were immediately comfortable with
each other.
That was in 1998. Since then, not a day goes by that we don't either
talk on the phone, play e-mail tag or while away a little time on ICQ
- sometimes all three in a day. He's come to Ohio to visit with me,
I've been to California to visit with him. He and I have spent time
together at newsgroup gatherings, and he recently joined my children
and me on vacation with another friend from the newsgroup in Chicago.
I can't imagine life without his presence now. I'm glad that on that
day four years ago - when he said my letters sounded really depressed
and he wanted to call me to make sure I was OK - I remembered all of
our public conversations and private ones, and all of the silly notes
of encouragement and teasing about some newsgroup post or other, and
held my breath and gave him my phone number.
Just like meeting someone in Real Life, sometimes you just have to
give them the benefit of the doubt.
There are ways to be safe online, to protect yourself from potential
scams:
--never give personally identifying information to someone until
you're absolutely comfortable with them. Are they pushing you too
hard or too fast? Making wild claims about what they do or how much
money/property/status they have? Bail. Turn around and run in the
other direction. It's the people who push too hard, try to hard to
impress, that one should watch out for.
--before taking things to the phone, correspond for a while. Write
letters! Long ones, short ones, it doesn't matter. Talk about
everything with this person - work, hobbies, common interests. Do the
responses ring true or do they sound forced? Are you comfortable
corresponding?
--have a few phone conversations. Does the conversation flow freely?
Or does it sound scripted or strained?
--if you're comfortable after corresponding and talking on the phone
for a while and you decide you really must meet in person, do it in a
public place. Meet for lunch somewhere, and be certain to either
bring a friend along or inform her of your whereabouts. Your new
friend wants to keep the meeting secret? Say NO!
A little caution isn't a bad thing, Steph. Just odn't let it color
everything and become too much caution! You can meet new people on
the 'Net and get to know them very well if you just take your time and
make sure to be safe. I hope that with a little patience and trust,
you'll find the same kind of wonderful friends online that I have. I
wouldn't trade these people for anything.
I wish you all the best!
--Missy |
