I'm a single parent with a 10 year old son.  The first time my son
(who was 9 at the time) stayed with his father for the summer his
father made him watch pornography.  I believe his father felt that he
was going to turn out to be "gay" because he's being raised by his
mother.  My son was afraid to tell me and waited a year before he told
me what happened.  Neither my son nor I haven't spoken to my son's
father since I found out.  I want my child to talk to someone but I'm
not quite sure where to turn.  Could his father get in trouble for
showing his child pornography.  Not only did he show him porn but he
wanted him to "play" with himself while watching it.  I'm disgusted
that a parent would do this to the child they're supposed to protect. 
My son's father doesn't have visitation and I want to document what
happened in case he ever fights for visitation.  I do not want my son
around him without supervision.  Is it too late to document this and
where would I go?

Dear 1minhi-ga;

Thank you for allowing me to answer your interesting question. As a
20+ year member of law enforcement myself I can tell you that the
behavior you described in ILLEGAL is all 50 states. The very idea that
a seemingly responsible adult exposed your child to explicit material
is bad enough but the encouraging, coercing, instructing or enticing
an innocent 9-year-old child to openly masturbate (perform a deviate
sexual act upon himself or others) is considered mentally and sexually
abhorrent abuse in every state in the Union. In some states the
totality of the relevant statutory factors (use of pornographic
material during the abuse) can, in some cases, be considered evidence
that the abuser also participated in the deviate behavior in an effort
to sexually gratify himself, thereby giving substantial added weight
to the offense, or premeditation of it.

I encourage you to immediately report the incident to law enforcement
authorities. The fact that the incident took place over a year ago is
irrelevant; especially in abuse cases involving children. In fact, a
belated abuse report is fairly commonplace in these types of
investigations and since most states have a caveat in the law that
automatically extends statutory time limitations in child abuse cases,
the time frame will likely have little bearing on the potential
prosecution. Trained investigators will compassionately and
professionally interview your child (in your presence) to obtain a
statement. There may be a referral to the local or state Department of
Human Services whereby your child may obtain counseling. I also
recommend that you have your child examined by a physician. While
there may no longer be any evidence of physical abuse or injury, often
a child will discuss happenings with a doctor that they might not
otherwise discuss with a parent or an investigator.

Indeed what has reportedly occurred is a tremendous red flag.
Virtually all sexual abuse cases that originate with a trusted
relative involves this type of enticement under the premise of ?fun?,
?education?, or inappropriately intimate encounters. It is not
uncommon for a deviate abuser to rationalize that they were merely
doing the child a favor or acting in his or her best interests. This
form of denial is all part of the twisted behavior typical of a sexual
abuser when in fact it is yet another form of personal betrayal.

In the coming weeks you may actually fall victim to a kind of denial
of your own as you begin to weigh the good vs. bad of your complaint.
You may even try to rationalize that since no physical harm was done
that you will just ?let it go this time? but vow to be more cautious
in the future. It may be because you feel that it would not be worth
the pain your child may experience in the prosecution process. Keep in
mind that your child?s revelation was clearly a difficult thing to
divulge and, at the risk of causing alarm, what you now ?know? may
actually pale in comparison to what he has yet mustered the courage to
disclose. Typically, these types of abusers are carefully methodical
(they often plan their actions, give careful consideration to the
conversation, take necessary steps to insure the availability of tools
to perpetrate their crime, such as pornography, alcohol or toys, etc).
Once an abuser crosses certain intimate boundaries with a child his
confidence increases and the abuse often escalates. Given the advanced
progression of this particular abuser?s behavior (as you described it)
I, for one, would be extremely surprised to learn that this incident
has only happened on one isolated occasion and was never again
discussed, modified or repeated between them.

In my opinion you must remain steadfast in your determination to end
this abuser?s activity, lest he perpetrate his perversion on other
unwitting victims. Likewise you might consider seeking counseling of
your own to prepare you for what is to come and to teach you how to
effectively deal with your child?s burden. I also recommend you obtain
the representation of a qualified attorney who can advise you about
how to proceed in terms of IMMEDIATELY preventing your child from
having to continue these ?visits? and how to get a court order to keep
him from having to be with this person unsupervised ? at least until a
full investigation into the matter is conducted.

As a member of law enforcement and a father of four children myself, I
have tremendous empathy for your situation. Consult a professional
(lawyer, school or family counselor, clergy, etc) right away. Remember
that your child has let a very difficult and intimate cat out of the
bag and in the back of his mind he is probably expecting the worst.
His stress must be enormous. He needs immediate consolation and
assurance that he is safe, that he is not at fault, and that he did
the right thing in coming to you. The sooner he knows this the better
off he will be. DROP EVERYTHING and make the necessary calls TODAY, if
for no other reason but to get the matter on official record and get
your son some help. I truly wish you the best of luck.

I hope you find that my answer exceeds your expectations. If you have
any questions about my research please post a clarification request
prior to rating the answer. Otherwise I welcome your rating and your
final comments and I look forward to working with you again in the
near future. Thank you for bringing your question to us.

Best regards;
Tutuzdad-ga ? Google Answers Researcher



INFORMATION SOURCES

CHILD MOLESTATION RESEARCH AND PREVENTION INSTITUTE
http://childmolestationprevention.org/


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SEARCH TERMS USED:

Child Abuse

Sexual abuse

Great answer.  Although in my heart I already knew the answer it was
good to hear it from someone else.  Amazing -- the researcher actually
described feelings I've been having wrt the question.  That is exactly
why I posted it here first versus going forward to authorities.  Would
recommend this site to others.

Do you think that your ex-partner is into little boys ?

' I believe his father felt that he was going to turn out to be "gay" '

- that indicates not, or with a few mental flips maybe so.

Kids are very manipulative, they often know which buttons to press,
especially if they see that they have aroused interest (terminology
deliberate), and it is even easier if they have a multiple choice
verbal examination.

Do you really believe that your ex-partner enjoys watching 9 year old
males masturbating ?
- if so he is a walking problem 
- if not, your son has fabricated something to gain your attention

If what you are saying is true, then lady, you got a seriously bad
judgement problem - mostly I reckon your son is feeding you 'soaps'
- but if I'm wrong you have two problems.

My take is that your sprog is stirring it
- if there is any fact - then be alert 
- but you just might have a smart kid

If you believe what your son has told you then I suggest you find a
way of giving Tutuzdad your ID (GA can track you through your payment
- and my guess is that is in progress - right now)

However, something sounds wrong ... wrong details 
Males touch when aroused, women don't necessarily, and kids don't know

- your ex-partner sounds a very strange guy

You are wrong - on several counts. (1) Researchers NEVER contact
customers outside this forum and (2) It is highly irresponsible to
encourage a parent to dismiss a 9-year old's claim that he has been
abused, even if it eventually turns out to be unfounded. Good grief,
man.

I think I know my son very well.  The fact that he wrote what happened
down on a paper because he was afraid to say it tells me this bothered
him.  Although he's 10 and has a good imagination I doubt very much he
made up what happened.  He went into a lot of detail about the movies.
 He even told me my son's father's wife called his father on the cell
phone when he was driving him home and said "I know you've been
watching porn with xxxx (my son)".  He told her to shut the F*#@ up
and he told my son that she won't do anything about it (meaning tell
someone).  He also told my son it's a good thing I'm taking you home.

I don't think his father is into little boys but I do know he's into
watching porno.

I wish he were making it up and it wouldn't bother me as much but if
you have children then I think you know when they're making something
up and when they're telling the truth.

Thank you for answering my question.  It has been awhile since my son
told me and I have felt (no harm done, don't want to put my child
through the pain of having to discuss the subject with others, etc)
just about everything you  mentioned in your comment.  I guess I've
always known what happened was wrong but I was afraid to report it. 
My son was afraid to tell me because he didn't want his dad to get in
trouble.  Although I hate what he did I guess I didn't want to get him
in trouble either I just want to protect my child from it ever
happening again.  It's strange how children still love and try to
protect those that hurt them.

I have reassured my son he isn't at fault and I'm not upset with him
(a question he asked).  I also told him that what happened wasn't
normal or acceptable.

My son and I openly speak about everything.  He has assured me his
father has in no way touched him.  I honestly think it was his way of
ensuring he'll be a "man".  He even told my son that he would find a
13 year so they (my son and girl) could get in the bed and have sex. 
What father wants to expose their child to that such a young age. 
Children grow up fast enough as it is.  It disgust me to think about
it and I feel guilty for putting my child through that.  I asked him
why he didn't tell me earlier and he said he was afraid.  (Afraid I
would be mad and that his father would get in trouble.)  He said he
couldn't tell me when we talked on the phone because his father always
listened in on his conversations.  The incident didn't happen just
once.  It seemed to happen several times while he was there.  My son's
sister was at the house but she was told to stay in the other room. 
His father told her they were having man talks.  I've fought with the
thought that if he could do this to his own child what about other
children.  My son's father's wife has a child the same age but he said
he never made him watch it.  I can imagine he would tell his mother
right away.

I will make an appointment tomorrow to talk to someone.  I'm in the
military (the perpetrator is not) and have several resources available
I've just been afraid to use them.  I spoke with my son and he's
skeptical about talking to someone.  I told him maybe we could find a
counselor or priest from church.  Of course he's still concerned about
whether his father will get in trouble and if so what will happen. 
I'm not here to get is father in trouble just protect my son.  I don't
want what my son saw to have an affect on his behavior when he's in
junior high/high school and his hormones are kicking in.

Thanks a million.  Your advice gave me the encouragement to go
forward, talk to someone and have my son talk to someone.

I withdraw my comments. I was wrong.

>>>  It has been awhile since my son told me and I have felt (no harm
done, don't want to put my child through the pain of having to discuss
the subject with others, etc) just about everything you mentioned in
your comment.

This is a normal response. I suspected as much.

>>>  I guess I've always known what happened was wrong but I was
afraid to report it. My son was afraid to tell me because he didn't
want his dad to get in trouble.  Although I hate what he did I guess I
didn't want to get him in trouble either I just want to protect my
child from it ever happening again.

You must be careful to make the right decisions with regard to this
issue and not fall for the common response. If you fail to report this
you in essence indirectly become an enabler, thereby sharing the
responsibility if it continues.

>>> He even told my son that he would find a 13 year old so they (my
son and girl) could get in the bed and have sex.

*** GIANT RED FLAG!!! **** Holy smoke! Where does a GROWN MAN ?find? a
13 year old girl who is willing to have sex? How does he determine she
is willing? This statement indicates that he is not only willing to
exploit your son but he is also willing to exploit SOMEONE ELSE?S
YOUNG DAUGHTER!

>>>  My son's sister was at the house but she was told to stay in the other room. 

This makes me think that the girl?s mother should know that the man
has these perverted inclinations and is planning the unthinkable. YOU
should not be the one to tell her, but your official complaint should
speak for itself. Be sure you mention the alleged statement about the
young girl in your report to the authorities. You may be doing more
than one child a favor.

Good luck.

After calling family advocay and speaking to their Psychiatrist on the
phone I'm wondering if making a report it what I want to do.  She
seemed to play the "devils advocate" and stated if my son is not
showing any signs why am I saying anything.  In other words why did I
wait so long to make the report.  Truth is I don't know.  I think I
felt it was no harm yet I don't want it to happen again.  I'm really
confused.  I guess I really want it to be documented in case something
happens to me..I don't want my son to go to his father.  Although it's
in my will he goes to my parents if something was to happen I know a
parent has primary rights.  I just want to protect my son yet at the
same time I don't want to cause problems for his father.  Am I going
to be looked at as if I'm at fault.  I honestly don't think my son's
father would cause harm to a child.  I know...how can I say that when
he did what he did?  I'm not trying to justify what he did because it
was wrong.  I don't think he meant it to harm my son but to educate
him.  Something he or any other 9 year old doesn't need.

Clearly, my prediction about the typical parental reaction was right
on target. The decision of how to proceed now lies exlusively with
you.

tutuzdad-ga

Was the Psychiatrist right?  Am I going to be questioned about why I
waited so long and are they going to turn it around as if it's my
fault and I should have reported it earlier?  I told several friends
when I found out but no one ever suggested I should report it.  They
only commented on the reason his father may have did it.  I guess it
is my fault for not reporting it earlier but now I'm wondering if the
blame is going to be turned to me.

How your complaint is percieved remains to be seen. Perhaps you should
turn to an advocate who is more supportive of the reporting parent.
Call a hotline or consult the organization I mentioned in my answer.

CHILD MOLESTATION RESEARCH AND PREVENTION INSTITUTE
http://childmolestationprevention.org/

tutuzdad-ga

Tutuzdad-ga sounds authoritative on the subject, and he makes several
particularly astute observations.

Nonetheless, I would involve law enforcement or the authorities only
as a last resort. Without knowing anything about your ex-partner
beyond what is publicly available on this page, I would still not rule
out the possibility that the man is not acting with malicious intent,
merely that he is misguided.

I don't know how relevant you see this to the matter, but there are
cultures (most of them what we might describe as "primitive", granted)
where sex-play is encouraged in young, often pre-pubescent, children
as a form of sex education.

Take into account that if you did inform law enforcement officials of
these events, the ensuing drama could conceivably be even more
traumatic to the child - or at least, add to the trauma he has already
been exposed to. The fact that he found it so difficult to tell you
about what happened suggests he may have suffered some degree of
trauma - or then, merely that your son is well aware of how our
society would perceive the whole story, which might produce more
feelings of guilt and... I grasp for a word... anomie, than the event
itself.

So - how damaging has it been to him, if at all? Children are
resilient. If you go through with the entire plan suggested by
tutuzdad-ga, the endless interviews and councelling sessions and
whatnot - possibly hostile or intrusive, or at least perceived that
way by the boy - that will inevitably follow may serve to reinforce
any theoretical damage that has been inflicted on him... Whereas were
you to choose to downplay it all, he might well shrug it off and
attach no great importance to everything that has happened.

It is a delicate situation, sure, and I don't know any of the people
involved, nor what sort of personal sexual values you subscribe to
yourself. There are those who would suggest that over-protecting
children from the realities of sex can be just as damaging as exposing
them to it from an early age.

What I do concur with is that, certainly by the standards of our
society, your ex seems like a very odd man...

I would add that, unlike tutuzdad-ga, who is a law enforcement
official, I do not necessarily equate illegal with immoral.

As he has said, what you do now is your decision.

I'm not trying to shelter my child from the realities of life but I
also don't want to encourage him to engage in activities before he's
ready.  Not to mention I'm trying to teach him what is morally
correct.  With TV, music and internet children are now exposed to a
lot more than I was at their age.  I just feel he'll have enough peer
pressure to deal with that he doesn't need that pressure from his
father.  Not to mention parents are supposed to protect their children
not expose them to "adult" activities.  I don't want my son growing up
to be promiscuous.  I also don't want him to treat women like objects.
I don't want to expose my child to the questioning that goes along
with the report.  My biggest concern is protecting my child from this
ever happening again or something worse.  Currently his father doesn't
have visitation.  If we ever do go to court and I brought it up then I
would be questioned about why I didn't report it earlier.  In reality
I guess I didn't know whether I should and those I talked to never
even suggested it.  I can truly say I didn't want to put my son
through the process.  Not to mention since he doesn't go visit his
father it wasn't an issue because I would never allow it to happen
again.  Just say something happened to me--his father has first rights
even though my will says otherwise.  As a mother I feel I should have
meaures in place to know that I did everything I could to protect my
son.  I don't want to "hurt" his father, which is what would happen
when I report it, I am so mad at him I don't want to deal with him.
I'm not quite sure how damaging it has been.  The fact that he waited
so long to tell me lets me know it must have bothered him.  I think he
was a little afraid not only because he thought he'd get in trouble,
which he didn't by any means as it wasn't his fault, but he thought
his father would get in trouble.  He also thought he was going to
visit his father again and maybe he didn't want to be in that
situation.  I don't want to find out in 10 or 20 years how it has
affected him.
Luckily my son is pretty open with me and he's will to talk about
everything.  I just want to protect him from having to deal with this
ever again.

This kind of behavior is what is a called a 'grooming behavior'and it
is a very common one with pedophiles. These folks are tricky people
and it is really not surprising that your son was afraid to tell. I'm
sorry that your friends were not aware of the dangerous red flag that
this is. I think we all lean on our friends sometimes for advice, but
in this case I think you need to turn to professional people for
guidance.

Absolutely from what you described I think it is highly improbable
that your ex-husband has never done anything like this before. He is
way too darn smooth. Absolutely I think that you need to contact law
enforcement and child protection. I'm sure you will be questioned but
I think you should be able to honestly answer that a:the behavior
caught you off guard/ after all you do not sexually abuse children why
would you know how it was done? b: you did discontinue the visits with
the boy's father/that's good parenting c:you did seek out advice from
others who also were confused by his behavior because they are not
pedophiles and have not had to deal with this issue in their lives.

I would definately take your boy in for therapy. I am willing to bet
that he feels guilty and does not understand how he was coerced. The
therapist by processing his story with him can point out to him how he
was manipulated and this will make him so much stronger in the future.
I know several adults that were taken advantage of as young men by
coaches and band instructors etc. They have felt these experiences to
be a burden in their adult lives even though 'not much happened'. The
fact that your son is not acting out now does not mean that he doesn't
need therapy.

One of the things that a child therapist told me is that sexual
predators can act very different with their spouses than they do when
engaging in pedophilia. Your ex may have been sexually very typical
with you and therefore you would be unlikely to know if he had an
interest in children. The thing to remember is that this is not about
sex for him but POWER.

I think it is so very wonderful that your son has opened up to you
about this. You should be very proud of him. You do need to keep
dealing with this though. You can't let this one slip away. I know you
know that and I hope all goes well for you in the process. I hope your
kiddo will come to understand that he was tricked and that he is in no
way tainted by the incident. Good luck seems so trite sometimes, but I
do wish you the best of everything in this situation. I think it may
be one of those life experiences that you will understand more clearly
years from now. (I see that no one has commented on this for a long
time. I would be interested to hear where you are now in this process)