My sister is 2 years older than me and has always been jealous and
competitive towards me though I'm not with her.  We are in our 50's
now and though I cut off contact with her years ago she still attempts
to create dissension and turmoil in my life thru other people.  Her MO
over the years is to find out information about me, what I'm doing,
etc...then find a way to cause a problem very covertly.  Lately it
hasn't been so covert.  She manipulated my 87 year old father into
donating his house to her and my brother, then manipulated my brother
into donating his half to her so she owns the whole thing.  She now
says she has cancer.  She told me 13 years ago she had cancer and was
getting chemo but I found out it was a lie.  She lies alot and doesn't
care if she is
confronted with her lies.  Now it is melanoma and I don't believe she
really has it.  She is always looking for pity/sympathy, playing the
victim role and
takes no responsibility for her actions.  She doesn't honor financial
obligations, gambles, and has a piercing stare.  Recently she has been
to my husband's employer trying to get him fired for no reason.  She
manipulates people like crazy and is a master at it.  What kind of nut
am I dealing with here?

You are dealing with a Human. You failed to point out what YOU have
done towards her.. have you shrugged her off from your life when she
needed you most?

In 50's and shes causing this much turmoil..

Obviously you are dealing with a nasty piece of work.

Be kind, spread the word that she is on Chemo
- it has nasty side effects - unsettles the mind - psychotropic
- you are so..o worried about her

I would also have a quiet word with your husband, chances are she got
her claws into him a long time ago - amnesty and alliance (as in
forgive, forget and join forces).

Mostly steer clear of her, but drop 'benign poison' where you can.

It sounds to me as if she is losing her edge
- I'll bet that mostly in the past it was hard seeing what she was doing.

Hmm ... I've a similar problem 
- the real trick is to look at things without anger.

Sibling relationships don't usually change.  Older sisters stay older
sisters until they pass on, and younger ones remain the little sister 
- their little sister, whom they had to watch out for, defer to, maybe
see favored, etc.

My mother-in-law had an older sister, not so manipulating, but they
played the roles into their eighties.
You didn't mention whether she is married, but if not, the fact that
you are is a big, lifelong demonstration that the little sister  - in
her eyes:  "spoiled little sister" -  gets everything.  But maybe this
isn't the case, or maybe if she is/was married, she still thinks you
got the best deal, maybe justifying to herself that she at least
deserved the family home.

I don't think that you can expect her to change, much less that you
can change her, and can only suggest that you and your husband accept
that she won't  -
and protect yourselves from her, unkindly if necessary, as with her
contacting your husband's employer.

I know it's easier said than done... But why doesn't anyone ever talk
to the third party in these situations?

As a woman approaching this age and with many friends, colleagues and
sisters in this age group, I feel well-qualified to offer the idea
that menopause might have been rearing its ugly head with your sister
for some years now, and that you're quite possibly dealing with a
hormonal, menopausal, dysfunctional, control-freak-ing nut!

It isn't limited to sisters, either. In my sad experience, recently, a
couple of formerly dear, long-time friends have turned into raging
monsters who perceive all kinds of horrible things in totally benign
situations/people. And the results have been breathtakingly malicious
and vindictive -- and irrevocable. One strong but damaged personality
can wreak absolute havoc in a family/friendship if they feel so
inclined or compelled. Piercing stares? Ha! I know exactly what you
mean! "Days of our lives" doesn't even come close compared to these
drama queens! They're playing a role which unfortunately shouldn't
transcend real life, but there are people enabling this behaviour,
therefore the melodrama continues.

(FYI: Yes, sonoritygenius-ga, it *is* possible to be completely
blameless in this sort of situation, and sometimes, backing away is
one's only defence.)

Plus, for some unfortunate women, menopause is a time of life when it
starts becoming obvious that lost opportunities are indeed lost, and
unrealised dreams are not likely to be realised. In addition, in my
opinion, your sister's screaming, shrieking inner child is desperately
seeking to punish you for being born and displacing her all those 50
years ago. Unresolved anger is a very powerful and extraordinarily
damaging thing -- some believe that it predisposes one to cancer.

I think you need to start documenting some of your sister's behaviour
and actions because it sounds like she's stepping up a gear. Try and
be as prosaic as you can. Emotional tirades won't help you because
she'll be able to paint you as the monster. (However, you might find
that writing a 'stream of consciousness' type journal to articulate
your thoughts might be a helpful and cathartic, and even enlightening
thing for you to do.)

I would also think very seriously about going and getting some legal
advice given that some of her manipulations are having tangible
effects on you: i.e. your inheritance (Daddy's house having been given
to her) and your husband's livelihood and career.

Have you had a reasonable explanation from your Dad and brother as to
why they felt compelled to give their home (or inheritance to the
family home) to your sister? Regarding your husband's employer; is
there any opportunity for you to explain to them that your sister is a
very disturbed individual? (The mere fact that she is contacting them
to denigrate your husband should speak for itself!) Are your Dad and
brother concerned about her 'cancer'? Does your sister have other
family members who go with her to her chemo or medical appointments
who can substantiate her illness?

Is there any opportunity for you to take one objective member of your
family (or trusted family friend) aside to explain what's going on and
try and get your side of the story across to *someone*? It's not a
good situation and something needs to change to alter the destructive
pattern of behaviour.

(I have a rather cheering mental picture of my former friends captured
in a net, a tranquiliser gun is filled with HRT and fired into their
ample posteriors and then, when they come to, they're nice and normal
again! *sigh* I don't think it's gonna happen.)

Sounds awful, but sadly, familiar.

a couple of comments...

1) how does anyone know that this is not sister who is manipulative,
splitting, and apparently narcissistic?

2) you have to wonder about deeper psychiatric issues when someone
uses cancer as a means of manipulation.  not that i am implying
anything, but, if the shoe fits...

Re:  "... 1) how does anyone know that this is not sister who is manipulative,
splitting, and apparently narcissistic? ..."

You don't; we don't; but why not take it at face value given that the
situation sounds quite plausible and very distressing. Given that
someone has taken the trouble to submit a question to this forum why
not just respect the fact that they care enough about a situation to
want to find some kind of resolution or perspective via others'
experiences.


Re: "...In 50's and shes causing this much turmoil..." 

Well, yeah... In fact, what does this actually mean? What on earth do
you think happens to someone in her fifties? Yeah, the good ones bake
cakes and arrange flowers all day long while they quietly fade to
grey, the bad ones go around pretending they've got cancer and getting
their aged fathers to hand over the deed to the family home. We aren't
all lovely, kind, calm, serene, wise old women, you know. Some of us
have to kill many people to be this good.

Only joking. 


I'm not really kind. 

;)