Clarification of Answer by
bobbie7-ga
on
02 May 2006 14:57 PDT
Thank you ladies and gentlemen. Before I begin, I've been asked to
make an announcement. Whoever parked 14 black bullet proof S.U.V.'S
out front, could you please move them. They are blocking in 14 other
black bulletproof S.U.V.'S and they need to get out.
Wow, wow, what an honor. The White House correspondents? dinner. To
just sit here, at the same table with my hero, George W. Bush, to be
this close to the man. I feel like I'm dreaming. Somebody pinch me.
You know what; I'm a pretty sound sleeper that may not be enough.
Somebody shoot me in the face.
Is he really not here tonight? The one guy who could have helped. By
the way, before I get started, if anybody needs anything at their
tables, speak slowly and clearly on into your table numbers and
somebody from the N.S.A. Will be right over with a cocktail. Mrs.
Smith, ladies and gentlemen of the press corps,
Mr. President and first lady, my name is Stephen Colbert and it?s my
privilege tonight to celebrate our president. He's no so different, he
and I. We get it. We're not brain backs on the nerd patrol. We're not
members of the fact (police). We go straight from the gut, right sir?
That's where the truth lies, right down here in the gut. Do you know
you have more nerve endings in your gut than you have in your head?
You can look it up. I know some of you are going to say I did look it
up, and that?s not true. That's but you looked it up in a book.
Next time look it up in your gut. I did. My gut tells me that's how
our nervous system works. Every night on my show, the Colbert Report,
I speak straight from the gut, ok? I give people the truth, unfiltered
by rational argument. I call it the no fact zone. Fox news, I own the
copyright on that term.
I'm a simple man with a simple mind, with a simple set of beliefs that
I live by. Number one, I believe in America. I believe it exists.
My gut tells me I live there. I feel that it extends from the Atlantic
to the Pacific, and I strongly believe it has 50 states. And I cannot
wait to see how ?The Washington Post" spins that one tomorrow. I
believe in democracy. I believe democracy is our greatest export. At
least until China figures out a way to stamp it out in plastic for
three cents a unit.
In fact, ambassador, welcome, your great country makes our happy meals
possible. I said it's a celebration. I believe the government that
governs best is the government that governs least.
And by these standards, we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.
I believe in pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps. I believe it
is possible -- I saw this guy do it once in Cirque du Soleil. It was
magical. And though I am a committed Christian, I believe that
everyone has the right to their own religion, be it Hindu, Jewish or
Muslim. I believe our infinite paths to accepting Jesus Christ as your
personal savior.
Ladies and gentlemen, I believe its yogurt. But I refuse to believe
it?s not butter. Most of all I believe in this president.
Now, I know there are some polls out there saying this man has a 32%
approval rating. But guys like us; we don't pay attention to the
polls. We know that polls are just a collection of statistics that
reflect what people are thinking in "reality." And reality has a
well-known liberal bias.
So, Mr. President, pay no attention to the people that say the glass
is half full. 32% means the glass -- it?s important to set up your
jokes properly, sir. Sir, pay no attention to the people who say the
glass is half empty, because 32% means its 2/3 empty. There's still
some liquid in that glass is my point, but I wouldn?t drink it. The
last third is usually backwash. Folks, my point are that I don?t
believe this is a low point in this presidency. I believe it is just a
lull, before a comeback.
I mean, it's like the movie ?Rocky." The president is Rocky and Apollo
Creed is everything else in the world. It's the 10th round. He's
bloodied, his corner man, Mick, who in this case would be the vice
president, and he?s yelling cut me, dick, cut me, and every time he
falls she say stay down! Does he stay down? No. Like rocky he gets
back up and in the end he -- actually loses in the first movie.
Ok. It doesn't matter. The point is the heart warming story of a man
who was repeatedly bunched in the face -- punched in the face. So
don't pay attention to the approval ratings that say 68% of Americans
disapprove of the job this man is doing. I ask you this, does that not
also logically mean that 68% approve of the job he's not doing? Think
about it.
I haven?t. I stand by this man. I stand by this man because he stands
for things. Not only for things, has he stood on things. Things like
aircraft carriers and rubble and recently flooded city squares. And
that sends a strong message, that no matter what happens to America,
she will always rebound with the most powerfully staged photo ops in
the world.
Now, there may be an energy crisis. This president has a very
forward-thinking energy policy. Why do you think he's down on the
ranch cutting that brush all the time? He's trying to create an
alternative energy source. By 2008 we will have a mesquite powered
car.
And I just like the guy. He's a good Joe. Obviously loves his wife,
calls her his better half. And polls show America agrees. She's a true
lady and a wonderful woman. But I just have one beef, ma?am.
I'm sorry, but this reading initiative. I've never been a fan of
books. I don't trust them. They're all fact, no heart. I mean, they're
elitist telling us what is or isn't true, what did or didn't happen.
What's Britannica to tell me the Panama Canal was built in 1914? If I
want to say it was built in 1941, that's my right as an American. I'm
with the president, let history decide what did or did not happen.
The greatest thing about this man is he's steady. You know where he
stands. He believes the same thing Wednesday, that he believed on
Monday, no matter what happened Tuesday. Events can change, this man?s
beliefs never will. And as excited as I am to be here with the
president, I am appalled to be surrounded by the liberal media that is
destroying America, with the exception of fox news.
Fox News gives you sides of every story, the president?s side and the
vice president?s side.
>> But the rest of you, what are you thinking, reporting on N.S.A.
Wiretapping or secret prisons in Eastern Europe? Those things are
secret for a very important reason, they?re super depressing.
>> And if that's your goal, well, misery accomplished. Over the last
five years you people were so good over tax cuts, W.M.D. Intelligence,
the affect of global warms. We Americans didn't want to know, and you
had the courtesy not to try to find out. Those were good times, as far
as we knew.
But, listen, let's review the rules. Here's how it works. The
president makes decisions, he?s the decider. The press secretary
announces those decisions, and you people of the press type those
decisions down. Make, announce, type. Put them through a spell check
and go home. Get to know your family again. Make love to your wife.
Write that novel you got kicking around in your head. You know the one
about the intrepid Washington reporter with the courage to stand up to
the administration. You know fiction.
>> Because really, what incentive do these people have to answer your
questions, after all? I mean, nothing satisfies you. Everybody asks
for personnel changes. So the white house has personnel changes. Then
you write they're just rearranging the deck chairs on the titanic.
First of all, that is a terrible metaphor. This ships not sinking.
This administration is soaring. If anything, they are rearranging the
deck chairs on The Hindenburg...
>> Now, it's not all bad guys out there. Some heroes, Buckley, Kim
Schieffer. By the way, Mr. President, thank you for agreeing to be to
my show. I was just as shocked as everyone here is I promise you. How
is Tuesday...tonight?
General Mosley, Air Force Chief of Staff. General Peter Pace. They
still support Rumsfeld. You guys aren't retired yet, right? Right,
they still support Rumsfeld. Look, by the way, I've got a theory about
how to handle these retired generals causing all this trouble, don't
let them retire. C'mon, we've got a stop loss program; let's use it on
these guys. If you're strong enough to go on one of those pundit
shows, you can stand on a bank of computers and order men into battle.
C'mon. Jesse Jackson is here. I had him on the show. Very interesting
and challenging interview. You can ask him anything, but he?s going to
say what he wants at the pace that he wants.
>> It's like boxing a glacier. Enjoy that metaphor, because your
grandchildren will have no idea what a glacier is.
>> Justice Scalia?s here. May I be the first to say welcome, sir. You
look fantastic. How are you?
>>
John McCain is here. John McCain - John McCain. What a maverick.
Somebody find out what fork he used on his salad, because I guarantee
you it wasn't a salad fork. He could have used a spoon. There's no
predicting him. So wonderful to see you coming back into the
republican fold. I have a summer house in South Carolina; look me up
when you go to speak at bob Jones University. So glad you've seen the
light.
Mayor Nagin is here from New Orleans, the chocolate city. Yeah, give
it up. Mayor Nagin, I would like to welcome you to Washington, D.C.,
The chocolate city with a marshmallow center. >> And a graham cracker
crust of corruption. It's a mala march is what I?m describing, a
seasonal cookie.
Joe Wilson is here, the most famous husband since Dezi Arnez. And of
course he brought along his lovely wife Valerie Plame. Oh, my god! >>
Oh, what have I said? I am sorry, Mr. President, I meant to say he
brought along his lovely wife, Pat Fitzgerald is not here tonight?
Dodged a bullet.
And we can't forget man of the hour, new press secretary, Tony Snow.
Secret service name, snow job. What a hero, took the second toughest
job in government, next to, of course, the ambassador to Iraq.
>> Got some big shoes to fill, Tony. Scott McClellan too say nothing
like nobody else. McClellan, eager to retire. Really felt like he
needed to spend more time with Andrew Card?s children. Mr. President,
I wish you hadn't made the decision to quickly, sir.
I was vying for the job. I think I would have made a fabulous press
secretary. I have nothing but contempt for these people. I know how to
handle these clowns. In fact, sir, I brought along an audition tape
and with your indulgence, I'd like to at least give it a shot. So,
ladies and gentlemen, my press conference.
