I've been out on many dates and I'm sick and tired of women being
tactless and rude then trying to cover their butt with the expression:
"I was JUST being HONEST!"

I want to find an article or an essay that I can link to from my web
site and other dating profiles.  I want the article to be written by
someone with some creditials, such as a clinical psychologist or an
MSW or SOMEbody who might be taken seriously.  And I want the article
to back up what I have said over and over: "honesty" is NOT a blank
check to say whatever you want.  Being honest does NOT mean being
rude.  I found this link:

http://www.dixiewarehouse.com/fea.html

...and it's close, but it's more about business management as opposed
to relationships overall.  And it's not really by someone
authoritative.

Remember, it has to be someone who's got some credentials.  I'd even
take "Dr. Phil."  Women seem to respect the guy.

Thanks.

Dear Godzillarama,

You have certainly identified a very prevalent problem, and it’s not
only women who do it on dates, believe me.  The behavior you describe
runs the gamut of all kinds of people.  Most of us are raised
believing such statements as “Honesty is the best policy," and that's
generally true.  But, as you’ve pointed out, it’s just not always the
case, or at least some people stretch it to the limit to excuse all
sorts of hurtful behavior.  I know you hardly need emphasis to support
what you say, but it was rather appalling to see that philosophy
baldly stated by a typical young woman here:
http://www.dailybruin.ucla.edu/DB/issues/97/09.30/view.pfeffer.html ,
where she so clearly elucidates the type of behavior you’re talking
about.  Maybe it will help if you can show others in print how brutal
some people really can be in the name of “truth.”

The first source I thought of for you to check out was, “People of the
Lie,” by M. Scott Peck, M.D.  Dr. Peck is a very credible expert,
being an experienced Harvard-educated psychotherapist and medical
doctor, as well as published author widely known in “self-help”
circles.   A review of the book is found here, on Dr. Peck’s website
http://www.mscottpeck.com/html/publications.html .  It says, in part,
“People who are evil attack others rather than facing their own
failures. Peck demonstrates the havoc these "People of the Lie" work
in the lives of those around them.”  Perhaps you weren’t looking for
something quite so “deep,” as an opposing argument against this
behavior, but it’s my belief that Dr. Peck really clearly shows how
this sort of behavior is actually evil.  That’s why it hurts so much.

In the book for example, he says, “A predominant characteristic ... of
the behavior of those I call evil is scapegoating. Because in their
hearts they consider themselves above reproach, [evil people] must
lash out ... They sacrifice others to preserve their self image of
perfection.”  The practice of saying hurtful and cutting things to
people under the guise of honesty is defined as evil in this same
sense, of maintaining one’s image of self-perfection by cutting down
someone else.

I’d highly recommend you buy the book and read it from beginning to
end, because it’s difficult to adequately describe Dr. Peck’s approach
to this problem in a few paragraphs, although he does so quite
clearly.   .

However, in the meantime, if you need more information to support your
(very valid) argument that honesty is not always the best policy, try
this site: http://web.utk.edu/~gwynne/lying.html , on which is posted
an essay on honesty by Robert C. Solomon, a professor of philosophy at
the University of Texas at Austin, and author with Kathleen M.
Higgins, of a Short History of Philosophy (Oxford University Press,
1996).

An excerpt from that essay states, “Not all untruths are malicious.
Telling the truth can complicate or destroy social relationships. It
can undermine precious collective myths. Honesty can be cruel.
Sometimes, deception is not a vice but a social virtue, and systematic
deception is an essential part of the order of the (social) world....”

And here’s a link to a sermon on this subject by a minister:
http://home.att.net/~balko/uusgu/sermon22.htm , in which (in part) he
quotes the poet, William Blake, who said, “"A truth that's told with
bad intent, Beats all the lies you can invent."  The essay has a lot
of good points you might find useful, especially if the person in
question respects a religious authority figure.

I hope these will give you some badly needed support in your efforts
to combat what you have experienced as the personally felt hurtful
effects of such brutal honesty.  If this isn’t what you were looking
for, or you need further clarification on any, please let me know by
all means.

The search terms I used included:
M. Scott Peck 
People of the Lie
brutal honesty
truth and consequences
truth versus love
honesty versus tactlessness
ethics and honesty
ethics in  personal communications

Wishing you all the best,

Byrd

---

Clarification of Answer by byrd-ga on 07 Oct 2002 16:39 PDT

I didn't see that pinkfreud-ga had included the essay by Dr. Solomon
in his list, so I'll be looking to see if I can find another source
than that for you to cite.

---

Clarification of Answer by byrd-ga on 07 Oct 2002 17:45 PDT

Since you’re looking for links you can use in profiles or on your
website, perhaps some  more short quotes might be useful, like the one
from William Blake above.

If so, perhaps you could use this quote from Kahlil Gibran, “"If
indeed you must be candid, be candid beautifully."  You can find it
here – it’s the first one:
http://www.cp-tel.net/miller/BilLee/quotes/Gibran.html

Or how about one from Mother Teresa, on kindness: “Let no one ever
come to you without leaving better and happier. Be the living
expression of God's kindness: kindness in your face, kindness in your
eyes, kindness in your smile.” You can find it and many others on
kindness at http://www.cyber-nation.com/victory/quotations/subjects/quotes_kindness.html

And here’s one from Graham Greene, who says, “In human relationships,
kindness and lies are worth a thousand truths.”

See more at http://www.homestead.com/Fortress_of_infinitude/Fi_Quotes_Lying_and_Truth.html

And then there’s an incredibly insightful article here on the subject
of the harm of criticism in general
http://www.aish.com/family/mensch/The_Dangers_of_Criticism.asp 
Although it’s also a religious site (Jewish), and specifically
targeted at dealing with children, so much of it is just good sense as
it applies to this issue I thought I’d include it on the chance you
might find something useful there.

I hope these additional links may prove helpful.  

Additional search terms I used were

hurtful criticism
kindness 
kindness quotes
honesty and tact

I have not found anything very lengthy on this subject by a person
"with credentials," but here are a few articles that may be of some
use:

http://www.geocities.com/sugared_cookie1/Honesty.html

http://www.ink19.com/issues_F/99_04/features/i_dont_love_you.shtml

http://web.utk.edu/~gwynne/lying.html

http://sfhelp.org/Rx/mates/honesty.htm

http://www.skidmore.edu/studentorgs/skidnews/2002-03-22/features/love.shtml

While I agree that there is no need for intentional rudeness or
deliberate unkindness, I would like to present a different take on
this as food for thought.

Both my spousal unit and I are in the class of people who have a very
difficult time lying to someone just to be nice.

We only ask someone's opinion if we are sure we are willing to take
it, be it positive or negative. If we're know we're not willing to
accept any criticism on something, we DO NOT ASK. This is because
neither of us is the type of person who has any interest in someone
telling us something just because they think it's what we want to
hear.

We have a small number of tried-and-true friends upon whom we can
count to be honest if we ask for their opinion, and we prize the fact
that we can trust their honesty and integrity: if they say something,
we know they truly mean it. Furthermore, we are both the type of
people who have a lot more respect for someone who is able and willing
to speak the (tactful, not brutal) truth of their convictions (even if
we don't like or don't agree with what they say!) than for someone who
will tell us what they think we want to hear. We would much rather
have a small set of friends we can trust implicitly than a large set
of "friends" whose purpose is merely to bolster our egos with
insincere compliments or with agreement with everything we say.

Likewise, while neither of us can claim to have **never** softpedaled
our opinion to spare someone's feelings, we take our word very
seriously. Our integrity is important to us, and it goes very much
against our grain to say something we don't truly mean. Consequently,
if we are pressed to give an opinion on something and we suspect our
response is not what the questioner wants to hear, we will carefully
choose to say something that is true, even if it is not quite the
answer they were looking for. For example:

Co-worker with new short haircut which makes her look like Medusa's
sister:
"So, how do you like my new haircut?"

Me: "All the movie stars are getting that same hairstyle these days,
it's very fashionable."

If we do ask someone's opinion, and it does not agree with ours, or is
not what we hoped to hear, we do not take it personally or hold it
against the opinion-giver: after all, we DID ask them.

Unfortunately, most people DO take it VERY personally if the opinion
you give them (no matter how tactfully or neutrally you phrase it) is
contrary to theirs, or is not what they wanted to hear. It's really
hard for me to understand why most people seem to think that if you
don't hold the same opinion they do, it must mean that you hate them,
or that they should dislike you just because you hold opinions
different from theirs. If we were all carbon-copies of each other, it
would be a very dull world indeed.

It seems to me that many people these days ask others' opinions not
because they are genuinely interested in anyone else' opinion, but
because 1) they are looking for someone to rubber-stamp their
point-of-view; or 2) they are "fishing" for compliments and all they
really want is someone to tell them how wonderful they are, or how
good they look.

I once dated (VERY briefly) a guy who had to ask me for validation for
ABSOLUTELY everything: "Do you think I should buy this? Do you think I
should do this? Is this what you would do?" etc, etc, then got really
upset if my response wasn't the one for which he was looking. I'm sure
that somewhere out there, there is a young woman who is willing to
provide that kind of ego-stroking to him in exchange for getting the
same in return. However, that young woman is NOT me. I want (and
fortunately I found) a companion who will forever challenge me
intellectually, who will make me THINK, who won't let me get away with
any self-indulgent crap, and who welcomes the same from me in return.

So... without knowing what has been said that elicits the responses
you consider so rude, it's difficult to completely paint the color of
evil on the women who you feel have been so brutal and unkind to you.
Perhaps you should be cautious about asking your dates' opinions about
things that are very personal to you until you get to know them
better; save that for your best buddy on whom you can always count for
support.

If you can remember that when someone disagrees with you, or holds an
opinion different than yours, it isn't a personal insult to you, but
rather a variation in personality that may prove refreshing, then you
can be freed from being hurt by those things.

The process of finding a soul-mate can be a long and very trying one.
I waited a LONG time to find mine (I was 37 when we married) and
before I did, I ended up hurt or broken-hearted on many occasions, so
I can empathize with your frustration. The key is go about living a
full, rewarding life, instead of focusing solely on finding someone;
don't wait until you find someone to start living your life. Keep
reminding yourself that you are a good, worthwhile person, and show
that good and worthwhile person to others. Sooner or later you WILL
find someone whose great personality will be a complement to yours.

Best wishes!

Thanks to everyone who offered help on this question.  Many of the
answers are useful, and I do appreciate it.

In response to the woman who commented from "another take" on the
issue: the tactless comments I've experienced were never based on my
asking for them.  They were always unsolicited.  If I ask someone what
they think, like you, I do want them to answer honestly.  It'd be nice
if, when the answer isn't exactly favorable to me, they didn't use a
sledgehammer -- but I don't need my ego stroked.

I'm talking about unsolicited, unprovoked "opinions" that were just
plain tactless and rude, then justified and rationalized with the
"honesty" trip.  They use it as an excuse to blurt out whatever hits
their brain stem.

I'm not going to make the cover of GQ anytime soon, but I dress well
and I'm well-mannered.  I'm articulate and funny.  I make good money
and own a nice house.  I drive a clean, late-model car, no plastic and
duct tape for any of the windows.  I'm a gentleman who opens the car
door and pays for dinner.  I don't have a problem getting a date.  My
ego is doing just fine.  But I'm picky, so I'm still single.

I'm just tired of snotty, unsolicited remarks as my reward for
spending $75 in one night.  These things aren't being said out of
"honesty."   They're being said out of lack of consideration.  Maybe
they're motivated out of some insidious need to lash out at men.  I
can't really know.  I'm certainly not angry at women.  Geez, I LOVE
women.  But trust me, my hide's made of wet leather.  I just want to
get this rationale exposed for what it is, and I'd like to able to
make a compelling case for what I'm saying.

Thanks again to everyone who helped, it was twenty bucks well-spent. 
Have some laughs on me at the link below.

Joe (godizillarama)

http://www.lostparadigm.com/joe