Hi GA Community....

I've been having a dilemma in the past few months that has bothering me.

When people are out to dinner, and the check arrives and gets paid by
a certain individual in the dinner party, shouldn't the other diners
pay the check at the next dinner out???

It seems that in the last few months, whenever the check arrives, its
always been me reaching for it. Mabe its because I hate the "awkward
silence" that follows the check's arrival. I don't know......

Tonight I had dinner with a couple whom I had previously treated to a
rather high priced dinner( they are a married couple, I was with my
teenage grandson )

Before ordering, out of politness, I asked for separate checks for
each of us couples, as I did not have the funds to pay for the whole
dinner party. When the checks arrived, they paid theirs and did not
offer to pay ours.

Am I out of line in wondering  why they did not offer to pay for mine
and my grandson's check, when previously I had treated both of them???

Thanks for any input.

Steph 53

---

Clarification of Question by steph53-ga on 12 Jul 2006 15:31 PDT

Thank you to all who added their thoughts and comments.

To clarify:

This couple is actually my father and his wife ( not my mom ).

When I treated them to dinner previously, they insisted that the next
time we went out, they would pay. As well, my father no longer drives
and she hates to drive, so whenever I go out with them or have them
over to my place, I always pick them up and drive them home.

They are not poor people. In fact, one may say they are pretty "well off".

I, on the other hand, am just a poor single working girl, who does her
best to support a fat cat and his fishy buddies ;)

Bryan, I thank you for your offer of a "fat check" but I'm afraid my
wallet is just too darn "skinny" to hold it.

Thanks again all.

Regards,

Steph53

Steph,

Here in Oklahoma there is a name for the kind of folks who act as
you've described. We call 'em "cheap bastids."

~Pink

"If someone treats you to dinner at a restaurant or in their home, you
owe them the same honor."

http://newyorkmetro.com/guides/etiquette/17332/index9.html

Either you're eating with the right people (voluntarily) or the wrong
people (and being taken advantage of).  Make an assessment and act
accordingly.

Luke 14
12 Then said he also to him that bade him, When thou makest a dinner or a
supper, call not thy friends, nor thy brethren, neither thy kinsmen, nor thy
rich neighbours; lest they also bid thee again, and a recompence be made thee.
13 But when thou makest a feast, call the poor, the maimed, the lame, the
blind:
14 And thou shalt be blessed; for they cannot recompense thee: for thou shalt
be recompensed at the resurrection of the just.

You are entirely correct in assuming they should have at least offered
to pay your check. I wouldn't call them "cheap batids", but i would
definetly infer that they were not generous people. If i were you i
would wait out the akward silence next time until they offered, and
immediately accept. But really, you should ask them about it, or stop
dining with them altogether.

Steph

This is terrible!

After your previous hospitality, your co-diners should have
reciprocated or, at the very least, have offered to pay their whack.

If you let me have their names & addresses I will write to them,
anonymously of course, and let them know exactly what cheap bastids
they are.

Next time (should there ever be a next time) you must rush out of the
restaurant when the bill arrives, screaming 'Let those cheap bastids
pay for once!'.

In the meantime, I am organising a collection for the Steph53 Benefit Fund. 

Perhaps Pinkfreud could design a suitable poster and stuff?

ATB
Bryan

Steph,
You are basically right  (Pink, also), although in the last case, I
could understand that by asking for separate checks  you would be
implying that you intended to pay for your own and your grandson's
meals.

I would suggest that next time, when the menus have arrived, you
address the matter directly:  "I love you guys, but I can't afford to
pick up the bill all the time.  Let's have separate checks from now
on."

It they are at all decent, someone should agree immediately and say: 
"Oh, let me treat you all tonight."
And if they are really decent, someone else will say:  "But you've got
to let me get the bill next time."

Of course, if no one says anything, well, you've got the "awkward
silence" right then, but have clarified that you aren't going to be
grabbing the check later.

This should be done before orders are taken, so that everyone
understands who will be paying and make his/her choice accordingly.

Take care, Myo

I agree with myoarin that asking for separate checks sends a strong
signal that you intend to pay your share.

But don't make a big deal of this. It's not worth losing friends over.
Some people just have different sensitivities.

If you're in a group and the check arrives, you can just sit out the
stony silence until someone offers. But surely it's better to hold up
the check and cheerfully ask "Whose turn is it to pay this time"? That
tells them it's not your turn.

If you can't bring yourself to do that, just cheerfully pay yourself.
In the long run, friends will repay in other ways - childminding,
being there when you are unwell or sad, etc.

But if you NEVER get anything back in return for your friendship and
generosity, it's obviously time to find different friends.

Regards,
eiffel-ga

I'm a bit disapointed in the comments so far.  I would say that we
don't have enough information to answer at this time.

Steph, is there a chance that you are eating at restaurants that are
too expensive for them to comfortably pay the whole bill?  Before I
got a respectable job, my friends would often eat out at places where
I would prefer not go because of my financial situation.  Many people
with respectable jobs still have tremendous troubles managing money
and cannot work such expenses into their budget.  Most people would
never admit to a restaurant being out of their league, but it should
always be considered when you ivite someone to eat with you.

I do agree with other posters that since you asked for separate checks
that you implied that you would each pay your own way.

Also, giving someone a gift should not warrant them giving a gift
back.  In fact in my mind that negates the gift completely.  When
someone offers to give me something or do something nice for me, I
gratefuly accept (if appropriate) and move on.  That does make me more
likely to want go do something for them in the future, but if I feel
obligated to do the same thing for them in return then I feel that I
received no gift at all.
If you meant this to be a gift then definately let it go as a good
deed done.  If it wasn't a gift then you should have mentioned that as
you paid the check; "Let me get this bill, you guys can cover me next
time."  Otherwise, how do they know if it's a gift or an agreement to
switch off payments?

I agree with steph53-ga. When you asked for separate bills then you
implied to them that you wanted to split the total cost between you.
There was no implication that they should pay both, and personally I
would find it weird to even think of paying both if you had requested
this from the restaurant. If you don't want to pay the bill you should
make yourself clear and insist (from now on) that you want to split
the bill. I too would not automatically think that because you paid
the bill once that I was expected to do so next time, I guess it
really depends on the level of friendship you have with the people
concerned.

Me?

I am VERY disappointed with jack_of_few_trades-ga's Comment. 

In my opinion, Jack has fallen from his usual high standards and I now
have to assume that he was, in fact, the beneficiary of Steph's
generosity.

There is NO other expalanation.

Please, Jack, make the grand gesture and send the young lady a fat
cheque (yes, that's how we spell it in the UK but you know what I
mean) or maybe she could also accept PayPal?

I reckon that $500 would put a smile back on her face.

C'mon you know you can afford it!

Many thanks, Jack

You are a real sport!

Bryan

http://lifestyle.msn.com/Relationships/Article.aspx?cp-documentid=437612

On the page above Miss Manners addresses a similar question.  You can
also click on a link near the bottom to send her your questions.  She
is a riot!!!  And an expert supreme on manners.

**taking out checkbook and pen**
Ok ok, I'll write her the check, but only because I think she's a nifty person.

But I hold steady to my belief that the paying of the previous bill
could be construed as a gift and that the asking for separate bills
now suggests that everyone should pay their own bill.  (and also that
the other couple might not be able to afford such extravogant dinners)

Steph,

I'd have let the check come, reach for it, and when nothing was
forthcoming (mouth or wallet) I'd get a surprised look hold it while I
said:

..."Oh! I almost forgot, last time I picked up the check you were kind
enough to offer to reciprocate the next time we dined out
together--THANKS!! ..."

...then hand it to him, or simply lay it down and make moves to leave.
Be sure to say thanks sincerely.