I have this old friend, Kem Low by name, who always turns up at my
high class parties - whether invited or not - and then disgraces
himself, usually with his atroshush grammar and sepling.

However, my next shindig will be at Buck House and Kem Low (who is an
uncouth Yorkshire lad who always wears a flat cap and clogs) has never
even been to London before and I am afraid that he might get lost. Or
mugged. Or worse.

I am also afraid that I might become the prime suspect for whatever befalls him.

How can I establish a foolproof alibi should he disappear or whatever?

Adonis

---

Clarification of Question by probonopublico-ga on 20 Jul 2006 23:34 PDT

So nz_elmo-ga ...

What are you waiting for?

Mon cher Bryan,

I'd still like to see the "awnser" proposed by nz_elmo-ga, but in the
meantime, I'm posting my own "suggestoin."

In the unlikely case that your hapless guest Kem Low should vanish,
and in the even more unlikely case that his absence should be noted
and reported to the authorities, placing the blame upon the nearest
dog should get you off the hook. Assuming the nearest dog to be Daisy,
it's probably best to allow an interval of several weeks between the
disappearance of Kem Low and the discovery of the evidence. Otherwise
the total consumption of your guest may be doubted, since them Yorkies
is known to be dainty eaters.

If a tastefully suggestive photograph would help, I have concocted one:

http://www.mortalwombat.com/Special/terrierized.jpg

Your partner in crime,
Pink

Superb!

(As always.)

And the photo is very Daisy-like.

Of course, if some of her seagull friends were to help then the
timeframe can be considerably shortened ...

To maybe 10 minutes?

All the Very Best

Bryan

I can awnser this

For those further afield, PB's "Buck House" in London is   - so far as
I know -  not a house of ill repute, though there may be one of that
name somewhere.

I expect that the party will be sometime when the Queen is in
Balmoral.  I know she has some financial difficulties, but I didn't
know that she let's out Buck House for parties to help ends meet.  It
would seem very much to downgrade her own  little parties.  But
perhaps PB has higher connections than I had until now assumed  - that
fine British understatement and all that (perhaps a knighthood for his
probono work).

Now to his old friend:
Attrocious spelling should really be no problem at the party, and poor
grammar will also not stand out, since the better classes in England
are very sloppy with their own. (Indeed, the way some of them talk
truly defies proper spelling.)  But his grammar is probably correct in
the Yorkshire dialect, so it is a bit unfair to knock it.

Flat cap and clogs:
It shouldn't be difficult to have security catch him at the gate, even
at the gate to the Queen's Mews, where his attire might be less
conspicuous (but probably not among all the American and Oriental
tourists).

The chance that he gets lost is, of course, very great, but that
lessens the chance that he will gatecrash.  He also doesn't appear to
be a prime target for mugging.  Much more likely is that some not too
young "girl" will suggest that she has a quiet room around the corner
when he can have a cuppa  - or something
(could be better than the Buck House party).

Which rather completes the circle.  

So, BP-Adonis, I believe that you need have no fears for his surviving
a trip to London.  If he manages to get to the party, claim that he is
part of the entertainment and insist that he does a solo folkdance. 
If he can't or won't, then you can hound him out, perhaps with a long
argument, his side in dialect, which would be a bit of entertainment
of itself.

Are you going to send me an invite?  No gilt edged card required.

Cheers, Myo

Mr Probonepublico
I take great exceptoin to this outragouse slur on my breeding and
sartorial fashionness. My  cap is one of the best it will old a large
weight in copper without spiltting and I get my mother to black my
cloggs every day, I will have you know,
As to Muggs I know how to hold and ballance it on those silly sorserse
you ponct southerners all like to us, However I do so Dearly look
forward to Meeting you again at Her Majesties Pleasure.
Wiuh gerat bffection
KEMLO

How come I didn't get an invite??????

Sheesh, and I cun shpell and everrythung....

Steph53

>> How can I establish a foolproof alibi should he disappear or whatever?

On the occasions when my guests have disappeared, I have always
explained that the dogs et 'em. I realize that Daisy is a smallish
creature, but surely, given a bottle of relish or two, she could
accomplish the task.

Thank you all for the excellent ideas and, please Pink, post me thy answer soonest.

However, I suspect that sharp-eyed 'tecs like Answerfinder and
Tutuzdad would examine Daisy's dentures and find them very sparse.

Fortunately, the two 'tecs referred to are now safely retired so we
don't have to worry about them.

Avanti!

Bryan

Bryan,

Thank you muchly for the kind words, the stars, and the tip! Regarding
Daisy's seagull acquaintances, while it is undoubtedly true that they
would shorten the scenario, I would expect that they might eat the
shoe as well, and there would be no evidence left to present at the
inquest except a happy doggie and a bunch of fat birds.

~Pink

Steph

Sorry, you didn't get an invite because every time that you've invited
me out for a meal, I've finished up paying.

Of course, if you promise to pick up the tab just once ...

Then I might reconsider.

Well?

Bryan