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Q: Is it love? ( Answered,   3 Comments )
Subject: Is it love?
Category: Relationships and Society > Relationships
Asked by: 770715-ga
List Price: $30.50
Posted: 13 Aug 2006 12:43 PDT
Expires: 12 Sep 2006 12:43 PDT
Question ID: 755596
Ok this is a tough question. I love a woman, and I am going through a
divorce. I want to be with this other woman. She has been with me
since I am going throught the divorce. Whether or not she is the cause
of the divorce has no bearing. She has been waiting for me, 9 months.
Since then she has had thoughts about not wanting to ruin a
relationship, thinking she is the cause. So she thinks this way and
then at the time time thinks the best thing for her is not go out with
another man, for dinner 3 times. She says she wants to forget about
me, so she does that. We continue our relationship, and she confesses
to me recently about this matter. I was upset about this. My question
is, should I be upset? Should I just let go of this act? Do I have any
right to fault her? I think something moremay have gone on, but she
denies any of that. WHat course of action or thought should I take on
this? I truly do love her, and I know that should be then end, but
love is such a life altering decision.

Thank you!
Subject: Re: Is it love?
Answered By: hedgie-ga on 26 Aug 2006 02:02 PDT
Hello apoptosiss-ga

During, and even few years after the divorce the feelings of guilt are common:

The Divorce Initiator and The Grievance of Guilt

Sensitive women would pick up a feeling of guilt in her partner, in addition
to what she can feel herself (as a possible marriage breaker).

That would explain why 
 " she thinks this way and
then at the time time thinks the best thing for her is not go out with
another man, for dinner 3 times. "

For this reason it is always advisable to first have a clean completion of
previous relationship, before initiationg a new one.

Of course 

Love is not a decision, only marriage and divorce are.

so we cannot always choose.

Your question:

 " should I be upset? "

has a clear answer: NO.   You are living in a triangle and are not able to
offer to a women which you love what she has a right to expect.

I am not sure if saying 'NO' is going cure the upset, but you should control
your jealousy as much as you can, keeping your new relation quite and loving
and low key, without demands and reproaches.
After you are free, and feeling of guilt quiets down, then you can
talk about marriage and how you both feel about what is acceptable in
a relationship.

If you want Clarification (RFC), please say more about the background
of the parties. Not names of course, but ages, are there children?,
where do you live (USA?) ethnic backgrounds , phase of the divorce, is
it contested?..

 Meaning of actions depend on culture and cannot be analysed in vaccum.

Please, read dhe disclaimers at the bottom of this page. This service GA
is not substitute for a professional (relationship and marriage) counseling.

I suggest that you (or you both) make an appointment with  professional
counselor, a psychologist - who can meet you face to face (= f2f).

Search Term: marriage counseling

to which you add your city, state, ethnic and/or religous background ...

will bring many sources of professional advice. 
Alternatively, you ask at your (or local) church for recommendations.

While I understand the lure getting a purely anonymous querry/answer like this
(which is why I am givimg the non-professional opinion), the issue is
so important that to dicuss this f2f with a psycologist is strongly recommended.

See also

and feel free to ask for clarification.

Subject: Re: Is it love?
From: apoptosiss-ga on 13 Aug 2006 12:49 PDT
See: You are already going through the divorce; so now - whether it
was caused by HER or not is out of the Question.

If you let this get to you, you will lose BOTH women; not just one. 

"truly love" - "waited 9 months" "confessions" = all sound like care
and love, so stick with HER - for a change!
Subject: Re: Is it love?
From: prince_55-ga on 26 Aug 2006 00:24 PDT
Dear Sir,
In India we are very conservative and orthodox. We love our family and
our kids. Because our wife is better half (half of our life). We will
not take any haste decision in our life matters.
If your love is true do not let down your wife. You should love your
wife and your family. Sex is only a part of life. But love and
affection is eternal. Do not change your life partner. Life is so
beautiful. Do not try to spoil it. Listen some good music and books
and try to understand your wife feelings. She is also a human. Talk
talk talk that is the only way to understand your wife
Subject: Re: Is it love?
From: tripletksa-ga on 31 Aug 2006 10:37 PDT
I think it's only natural to get jealous. We are, in fact human. We
have feelings that we cannot help, and since you're already going thru
a divorce, it's just a more confusing time for you. I think that you
should talk to her about it. Tell her that you're really in love with
her and make her feel that regardless if you're with HER or NOT,
you're going thru with this divorce. Tell her that it's not her fault,
because that's obviously how she feels. Also make it clear to her,
that you WANT to be with her because she is a wonderful person BLAH
BLAH explain how she makes you feel and how you feel towards her, and
how you're jealous that she's going out with other men, only because
you dont want to lose her.

I hope this helps & Good Luck.

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