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Q: Learning to trust my girlfriend again ( No Answer,   3 Comments )
Subject: Learning to trust my girlfriend again
Category: Relationships and Society > Relationships
Asked by: gg83-ga
List Price: $20.00
Posted: 08 Sep 2006 07:51 PDT
Expires: 08 Oct 2006 07:51 PDT
Question ID: 763394

Im having trust problems with my girlfriend.  We have been seeing one
another for about 4 years now.  Things started when we left uni last
summer and I found out that she had been seing another guy behind my
back for about 8 months.  Now whilst I wasnt exactly a saint at uni, i
drew the line at having a premeditated 8 month relationship with
someone behind my partners back.

When I questioned her about it she lied at least three times before I
got what i now believe to be th truth out of her.  She told me that
whilst we were at uni she felt lonely and unappreciated and when the
guy in question came along who made her feel better about things she
couldnt help but get caught up in it.  She said that it was never
sexual, and that all the ever did was kiss ocassionally, because it
was the emotional comfort that she craved.  What I found so hard to
deal with was that I never had the chance to give her that support
because she would always seek it from him.  When we left uni she chose
to move down to live with me and pursue a career near me so that we
could be together and she said that she had cut him out of her life
when we left uni because from then on it wiuld be me and her all the

After spending some time apart I decided that we could make things
work, we had been out of uni for 5 months and things were really good,
so I decided to try and put things behind us.  The first few months
were very hard, there were some huge rows and we eventually sought
counselling.  I blamed her for our problems because it was her that
cheated and she blamed me becuase I couldnt let it go.

The counselling really helped but it couldnt completely alleviate my
trust issues.  Whilst we have been really happy now for about six
months, to the point where we have bought a house together and have
decided we will get married one day and really do cherich each other
as soul mates, best friends and lovers.  I cant help but suffer
jealousy attacks whenever she spends the night with her girlfriends or
goes away for a few days or sometimes even works late.  I can deal
with it for the sake of the relationship, but inside it really tears
me up.  I know that she only did what she did because she needed
emotional support and now we are enjoying a completely different
relationship it will never happen again but I just cant let myself
trust her 100% because i am so afraid that if she does it again i will
look stupid for taking her back after the first time and above all i
dont want to lose the love of my life.

I have regular dreams about her just coming in one day and saying that
she has been seeing another guy behind my back and that were finished
and that there is nothing i can do about it.  Or that one of her ex's
has got in touch and that she still has feelings for him and that were
finished.  I know that in real life she wouldnt do that anyway,
because she actually is a really nice person but in my dreams my
sub-conscious makes her out to be a really horrible person and i find
it hard not to see her like that during the day.

And every time i am confronted with a situation where my trust in her
is called into question i just imagine the worst case scenario or blow
it all out of proprtion even though i know what im thinking is totally
ubsurd i still manage to persuade myself that it could be happening.

I dont want to go back to counselling but i cant work out why i feel
like this or more importantly how to go about learning to trust her

Somebody please help, I really dont want my relationship to be ruined
becuase i cant learn to build my trust back up in my girlfriend
There is no answer at this time.

Subject: Re: Learning to trust my girlfriend again
From: markvmd-ga on 08 Sep 2006 15:39 PDT
Shoulda married her. Four years is far too long. Hence, it is your
fault for not turning her into an "honest woman."
Subject: Re: Learning to trust my girlfriend again
From: artqs-ga on 09 Sep 2006 11:28 PDT
I couldn't disagree with markvmd-ga more. NEVER marry somebody with
the hopes that they will change. You can't turn somebody into an
"honest woman" regardless of the term's actual meaning. Sure, the two
of you may be married, instead of just living together, but if you
don't first resolve the issues before getting married, you'll feel
even more trapped and the relationship will only get worse. You say
you don't want to go back to counseling, but it sounds like the best
option. Your jealousy is not her problem, it's yours to work out. She
can help, but ultimately you must figure out why you are jealous. You
say it's because you don't trust her, and I think you are right. You
don't trust her and marrying her will not solve that. Many marriages
have ended because people thought their partner would change after
they said "I do". My advice, which is of course only that, is to go
back to counseling and figure out what it will take to trust your
girlfriend. - artqs
Subject: Re: Learning to trust my girlfriend again
From: gorillabiscuit-ga on 13 Sep 2006 15:35 PDT
>>i will look stupid for taking her back after the first time and
above all i dont >>want to lose the love of my life

What do you care if you look stupid? who would you look stupid to?
This, after all, is the love of your life.

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