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Q: Any good suggestions from stopping a spouse who snoops? ( No Answer,   10 Comments )
Subject: Any good suggestions from stopping a spouse who snoops?
Category: Family and Home > Families
Asked by: ghinvst-ga
List Price: $2.00
Posted: 11 Sep 2006 01:33 PDT
Expires: 11 Oct 2006 01:33 PDT
Question ID: 764082
This may seem like a silly question but I have a spouse who is home
all day and snoops into everyones business, including mail and bank
statments of other members of the house.  Further more I've owned a
company since before meeting him and he dives into the personal
business of my company and how much I pay employees, which I feel is
company business.  His bsuienss should only be my actualy take home
pay, not company gross, employee payouts, etc.  I've explained all
this to him.  My family now locks things up.  I cant sleep at night as
he goes through my purse, mail, etc.  Any suggestions???? Talking
doesnt work. I feel he is bored all day and has nothing better to do.
There is no answer at this time.

Subject: Re: Any good suggestions from stopping a spouse who snoops?
From: smithkarl-ga on 11 Sep 2006 03:25 PDT
Talking won't help. I had similar situation and ignored the person.
COmpletely ignore him all day long ... If he asks you something just
reply quickly but don't communicate with him. It worked for me.
Subject: Re: Any good suggestions from stopping a spouse who snoops?
From: canadianhelper-ga on 11 Sep 2006 09:36 PDT
Subject: Re: Any good suggestions from stopping a spouse who snoops?
From: nelson-ga on 11 Sep 2006 11:17 PDT
I thought marriage was about sharing and not keeping secrets from each
other.  Who are these "other members of the house?"
Subject: Re: Any good suggestions from stopping a spouse who snoops?
From: bcattwood-ga on 11 Sep 2006 12:18 PDT
Nelson, but it also about trust and respect.  Her husband is
apparently lacking in one or both of these.  I don't have secrets from
my wife but I would find it invasive and insulting if she felt the
need to check up on every aspect of my life by reading my email or
going through my things when I wasn't around.

To the original poster, assuming this guy has some other qualities
that make you not want to leave him, I don't know what to say except
have your mail sent somewhere else, leave as much as possible at the
office, and get a safe or lockable closet to keep your stuff in at
Subject: Re: Any good suggestions from stopping a spouse who snoops?
From: markvmd-ga on 11 Sep 2006 20:25 PDT
Smack him around a bit.
Subject: Re: Any good suggestions from stopping a spouse who snoops?
From: ghinvst-ga on 11 Sep 2006 22:00 PDT
These are all good suggestions. Thank you.  Nelson the other familiy
members are grown children. One lives here (27 years old) the other
(24 years old) is here for one month until she closes on her house. 
He has enver agreed with me helping my children in any form.  I do
help them out financially a bit a they are in school full time and
working, so I do help the,  My husband doesnt agree with it so he
snoops to see if I am giving them or loaning them money. My middle son
works for me and has for 6 years in our home based office.  My husband
doesnt agree with paying him and thinks he should work for free since
he lives here.  Yet, I cant have a different employee as another
employee would charge double what my son does, and another employee
cant work in a home based office.  (My son does all my accounting, web
site development, typing dictation, answers phones, types reports,
does my net advertising, keeps the computers running, etc, etc for
$11.00 per hour) far less than another would charge.  My husbnad
always says if I didnt help my children or other people (my mom and
dad who were very ill), and even chairites I donate to that than we
(him and I) would have more money for vacations, cruises, etc. Thats
not me.  Im generous and charitable.  What I pay chairites, or my son
to work for me comes from corporate money.  I write myself a check,
which goes into our joint account and is his concern...but what my
corporation pays in advertisers, employees, contractors, does not take
money from him, isnt his concern.  My salary is fixed.  he thinks
since I own the company I own all the money, and that isnt really the
case. I still get a salary.  His biggest snoop is to track money,
mine, my sons, etc.Ive given my husbnad a luxery life style, and
provided for all his many medical debts and surgeries, and his past
due child support, his 3 years of back taxes, and his vehicles.  I
provide a lot for him well and beyond, but it doesnt seem to be
enough, he becomes stingy, then snoops to see what he isnt getting his
share of.  To the Canadian lady...what is that technique you are
referring to?  I went to the web site and didn't quite understand it
although it seemed interesting.

thanks everyone
Subject: Re: Any good suggestions from stopping a spouse who snoops?
From: canadianhelper-ga on 12 Sep 2006 04:40 PDT

This book is for the practitioners of EFT (EMOTIONALLY FOCUSED
THERAPY) but it will give alot of insight into 'what it is'.  Don't
get EFT confused with Emotional Freedom Technique which is COMPLETELY

Since its original publication in 1996, this volume has been a helpful
guide to therapists in the practice of emotionally focused therapy.
This second edition will address the many changes in the field of
couples therapy, including updated research results linked to clinical
intervention and new information on using EFT to address depression
and PTSD. A new section covers the growth of couples therapy as a
field and its overall relevance to the mental health field,
accompanied by coverage of how recent research into the nature of
marital distress is consonant with EFT. Other new features are a
section on EFT and feminism, as well as a section on cultural
competence for the EFT therapist.
Written by a leading authority on emotionally focused couples and
marital therapy, this second edition will be an up-to-date reference
on all aspects of EFT and its uses for mental health professionals.

"Sue Johnson's "The Practice of Emotionally Focused Marital Therapy is
a truly remarkable book. In it, Johnson pulls off the extremely rare
combination of speaking in a voice that is accessible and clinically
meaningful to couple therapists yet remaining solidly anchored in
research evidence. This is the definitive text describing Emotionally
Focused Marital Therapy, one of the few approaches to marital therapy
that has been proven to be effective. Filled with clinical vignettes
and hands-on examples of what to do when, this book should be of great
value to all couple therapists. Poignant and well written, it is
certain to be a classic in the field of marital therapy.
-Jay Lebow is a senior therapist at the Family Institute at
Northwestern and Clinical Associate Professor at Northwestern
"The leading couple therapist of our day has done it again! This
brilliantly revised and expanded work will make learning and doing
this highly effective, empirically validatedform of therapy much
easier. This book will find a prominent place in the minds, hearts,
and libraries of all serious couple therapists, and countless couples
and families will benefit as a result. Bravo Sue Johnson!."
-Scott R. Woolley, Ph.D., Director, MFT Graduate Programs, CSPP,
Alliant International University
"Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFT) is a deceptively simple
approach to work with couples in therapy because the tenets,
practices, and integration are so clear because there clearly is a lot
of art to doing this work. The book is nicely written with sufficient
technical language to be useful and at the same time eminently
accessible and enjoyable to read. This edition provides moredetail
than the first about the processes involved both internally and
interpersonally between partners. The steps in therapy also are
described in more detail and the chapters on working with trauma and
families are new. I believe that the book would be useful for both
those new to the approach and as a reference for more experienced
therapists. Recommended for graduate students and experienced
Subject: Re: Any good suggestions from stopping a spouse who snoops?
From: frde-ga on 12 Sep 2006 07:40 PDT
Price out a dildo

Chances are he reckons your son is conning you ( I doubt it, he sounds
rather useful ).

What I don't understand is why he needs to 'snoop' on anything to do
with you, the primary function of the male is to be woken unexpectedly
by the female with the question 'what should I do about ...?'

Most likely you just got it wrong, and married a guy you don't like.
Subject: Re: Any good suggestions from stopping a spouse who snoops?
From: gorillabiscuit-ga on 13 Sep 2006 14:27 PDT
Sounds to me that your husband is overstepping the boundaries. This
could be for many reasons. It could be that he was raised this way
whereas in your family upbringing you were taught to respect other
peoples distance(no matter how closely related) Whatever the reason
you are just as much to blame since you allow this form of
behaviour(but at least you are doing something about it by asking this
question, which is commendable)

Ask yourself what it is in your personality that brings out this kind
of behaviour in your husband. You may think it's unfair of me to say
this as it seems your husband is a snoop in general but you are in the
unique position of being in a position of power(whereas your children
are not, and in deferring to you allow their step father#s abominable

Your current relationship with your husband may stem from your desire
to have matriarchal control over him. That may sound weird to you and
pompous of me but hear me out. Your husband is behaving like a child
and you are the person who is actually in control. You have the money
and as you say you are the person who has given your husband a life of
luxury. Do you see what I'm getting at.

As to changing your husbands behaviour. Firstly you have to change
your own behaviour. He is taking the chances you are allowing him to
take, on some level you may even be encouraging this behaviour.

To facilitate this it is often beneficial to bring a third party into
the equation. Often couple relationships are a merry-go-round where
when you push all you do is turn this circle. When your husband pushes
you, you in turn push back but because the motion is circular you
aren't really getting anywhere.

The third party can be a relation of yours such as an aunt or uncle
who comes to visit for a while or it can be someone you hire(in either
case this person must be a good actor and be aware of their role) This
person should be put in situations where you husband's bad behaviour
comes into play and then that person should act on it in a very
exaggerated manner to indicate their disgust and hopefully make your
husband aware that his behaviour is unacceptable. After a couple of
times it may begin to sink in. Also use this oppertunity to disallow
that kind of behaviour from your husband towards yourselg and make it
Subject: Re: Any good suggestions from stopping a spouse who snoops?
From: rajesh78-ga on 14 Sep 2006 02:33 PDT
Now as many has already answered, i would say point your husband to
this page and make him read.

I'm sure this will help.

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