Hello, hellocathy-ga, and thanks for your Question.
I infer from your Question that this is a draft of your cover letter,
that will accompany your application for a specific PhD program at a
university where English is the primary language. If this is indeed
the case, then while I can help you refine the grammar within the
cover letter, you will still need to demonstrate your qualifications
through an interview process. Therefore, any major discrepancies
between the grammatical approach used in your application materials,
and any subsequent written or verbal contact you have with the
application review committee, will raise questions that you will need
to address. Finally, while there are indeed grammatical rules that
must be followed, English is an expressive lanuguage, and rarely will
two writers express themselves in exactly the same way. It would be
best to view my revisions below as suggestions, so that you can
rewrite your letter to better communicate your desire to join this
university.
==========================
I will start with a sentence-by-sentence analysis of your draft:
>Introduction
>Nearly most of the Taiwan college students have learned English for
more than six years before they enter college.
'Nearly most' is not a proper phrase to use. 'Most' implies some level
that is greater than half, yet less than all. For what you are trying
to express here, it would be better to say "The majority of Taiwanese
college students", or "Nearly all Taiwanese college students". Next,
"have learned English" is better phrased as "have studied English",
since the definition of 'learn' is 'gain knowledge or skills', and
your entire hypothesis is that the majority of Taiwanese college
students need help to truly gain knowledge or skill in the English
language. My version of this sentence would be: "The majority of
Taiwanese college students have studied English for over six years
prior to entering college."
>Due to no English speaking environment, most of the college students
still have problem speaking English when they meet foreigners on the
street.
This is your hypothesis, the reason why you are pursuing this course
of study. Since this is a letter designed to communication your
motivation to the application review committee, take ownership of it
while cleaning up your grammar: "However, many of these students still
have difficulty speaking English when they meet foreigners on the
street. I believe that this is due to the lack of an environment where
the students can practice their spoken English."
>This fact reveals two important phenomena.
The word "phenomena" refers to an observable event or occurence, which
is not what you are talking about. Also, if your previous statement,
you have expressed your opinion, but you have not yet proven it to be
a fact. So, a better way to communicate this would be: "This leads to
two important opportunities for research."
>First, it is important to find out how to enhance English environment
in Taiwan as an educator, and second how to help students to practice
what they have learned from school.
Since each of the two opportunities for research are important, you
should separate them into their own individual sentences for emphasis.
Also, since you have already used the word 'important' in the previous
sentence, try to avoid re-using it in either of these two sentences:
"The first opportunity is to study how it might be possible for
educators to create an English-speaking environment in Taiwan. The
second opportunity is to determine how to help students in practicing
the English language skills taught to them in school."
>Both of the issues need to be discussed.
This sentence is a bit redundant, since you have already mentioned
that both are important. So, consider removing it completely.
>Because of the clear need of integrating two needs in Taiwan, I
decided to study the PhD in Education program concentrating on
computer ?based language learning at department of Education.
Some basic grammatical cleanup required: "It is because of the clear
need to integrate these two opportunities, that I wish to join the PhD
in Education program at <insert university name here>, concentrating
on computer-based language learning."
>My motivation and future plan are detailed below.
Slight changes: "My motivation and future plans are outlined below."
>Motivation
>I have been interest in learning how information system can help
students learning since college graduation.
Re-order the elements of this sentence: "Ever since I graduated from
college, I have been interested in studying how information systems
can help students learn."
>For this reasons, I chose Information systems as my major for my master degree.
Slight changes: "For this reason, I chose Information Systems as my
major for my Master's Degree."
>After I graduated from graduate school, I started working at a local
college as an English Instructor.
Again, slight changes: "After I graduated from graduate school, I
began working as an English instructor at a local college."
>During these years, I have noticed IS can create virtual English
speaking environment in non-English speaking countries and it can help
students to improve their English skills.
More slight changes: "It was during the <insert number of years> years
that I worked as an English Instructor that I noticed how a
computer-based language learning system can be used to create virtual
English-speaking environments in non-English-speaking countries, and
how it can help students improve their English skills."
>However, I also have noticed that student?s personality do affect the
performance of computer-based language learning style.
This is a case where you will want to provide more information in
order to further engage your audience: "However, I also noticed that a
student's personality can affect the performance of a computer-based
training system. For example, <insert an example here to illustrate
this point>."
>Therefore, I would like work on the research based on these initial
finding mentioned above and your school's program seems to fit my
needs.
Now that you have provided an example to emphasize the importance of
the research, you can proceed with your request: "Therefore, I would
like to research deeper into the use of computer-based learning
systems to find ways to improve them, and your school's program seems
to be the best environment for me to pursue this."
>The faculty, equipment, and tradition of excellence have convinced me
that it will be the best environment for me to do the research.
"Your world-class faculty, resources, and tradition of excellence, are
all elements that would help me succeed in this research."
>Future Plan
>After I earn my Ph.D., I hope to be a professor in Taiwan and
continue to do the research in computer-based language learning or
related field.
Minor changes: "After I have earned my PhD, I hope to become a
professor in Taiwan, and to continue my research in computer-based
language learning and related fields."
Conclusion
With my outstanding academic performance, professional research
experience, and teaching experience, I believe I will be able to
contribute substantially to your institution and achieve the highest
goals I have set for myself.
I would only make a couple of changes, namely to drop the word
'highest' and to combine two of your initial points for sentence flow:
"With my outstanding academic performance and my professional research
and teaching experience, I believe that I will be able to contribute
substantially to your institution and achieve the goals I have set for
myself."
==========================
Putting it all together, here is my version of your letter:
The majority of Taiwanese college students have studied English for
over six years prior to entering college. However, many of these
students still have difficulty speaking English when they meet
foreigners on the street. I believe that this is due to the lack of an
environment where the students can practice their spoken English. This
leads to two important opportunities for research.
The first opportunity is to study how it might be possible for
educators to create an English-speaking environment in Taiwan. The
second opportunity is to determine how to help students in practicing
the English language skills taught to them in school. It is because of
the clear need to integrate these two opportunities, that I wish to
join the PhD in Education program at <insert university name here>,
concentrating on computer-based language learning. My motivation and
future plans are outlined below.
Ever since I graduated from college, I have been interested in
studying how information systems can help students learn. For this
reason, I chose Information Systems as my major for my Master's
Degree. After I graduated from graduate school, I began working as an
English instructor at a local college. It was during the <insert
number of years> years that I worked as an English instructor that I
noticed how computer-based language learning systems can be used to
create virtual English-speaking environments in non-English-speaking
countries, and how they can help students improve their English
skills.
However, I also noticed that a student's personality can affect the
performance of a computer-based training system. For example, <insert
an example here to illustrate this point>. Therefore, I would like to
research deeper into the use of computer-based learning systems to
find ways to improve them, and your school's program seems to be the
best environment for me to pursue this. Your world-class faculty,
resources, and tradition of excellence, are all elements that would
help me succeed in this research.
After I have earned my PhD, I hope to become a professor in Taiwan,
and to continue my research in computer-based language learning and
related fields.
With my outstanding academic performance and my professional research
and teaching experience, I believe that I will be able to contribute
substantially to your institution and achieve the goals I have set for
myself.
==========================
Remember that there are many ways to express your ideas in written
form, so please take my suggestions and apply your own approach to the
final version. Ultimately, the letter has to reflect your personality
and style.
Best regards,
aht-ga
Google Answers Researcher |
