One of my unfilled ambitions is to date QEII, the monarch not the boat.

Can you suggest any better method or any improvements to this letter
that I?ve drafted?

Dear Queen

It has long been my wish to take you out for a really great bash and I
now sense the opportunity.

I see that a stage version of ?Seven Brides for Seven Brothers? is now
on at the Haymarket Theatre and I said to myself ?I bet Queenie would
like to see THAT!?

Well, what about it?

If you are up for it, I?ll get the tickets (Centre Stalls); drinks
before and during; and a big box of your favourite Belgian chocolates
all to yourself; and, of course, I?ll pick you up at the side entrance
of your place and drop you safely back home. We can also stop off for
a Big Mac and Coke if you fancy.

May I humbly suggest that you don?t wear anything too formal: no
crowns or tiaras or any fancy stuff because I?m just an ordinary
working lad myself.

Please clear this with your hubby before committing yourself because
there?s always a danger that I may not be able to dodge the paparazzi.
The swine follow me everywhere.

Looking forward


Denco

Dear Denco,

Her Majesty graciously declines your kind invitation to a 'really
great bash'; although she is a little bemused as to exactly what a
?bash? is. Clearly it must be some lower working class cultural
activity. She instructs me to say that she does try to keep up with
her subjects? daily lives by watching Eastenders, one her favourite
television soap programmes, but as to what a 'bash' is, has completely
foxed her.

I'm afraid her choice of theatre would not be Seven Brides for Seven
Brothers. That, she tells me, would be almost as boring as having to
sit through the Royal Variety Performance. Now, if you had offered
Jerry Springer the Opera, that may have been a different matter.

As for Big Mac and Coke. How dare you! The last Big Mac she
encountered threw a huge caber at her at the Royal Highland Games. It
missed her by only inches. And as for Coke, her Majesty does not take
drugs - apart from paracetamol following visits to Buckingham Palace
by that dreadful man, Tony Blair.

If you wish to grovel to her Majesty, then buy a book of stamps and
lick her behind.

Cynthia Featherstone-Haugh
Personal Secretary

P.S.
Her Majesty agrees with you about the paparazzi. They are a menace on
their mopeds delivering take-away Italian food. Why can?t people eat
good British food?

I understand that Her Majesty has closed circuit tv links to all the
theatres in town (maybe even links to some less reputed places  -
perhaps with a tie-in to the police surveillance network) so that she
can keep abreast of the latest productions without having to go out in
the evening.
This may sound expensive, but it is much cheaper than setting in
motion the machinery involved when she steps out.

Hence, I doubt that she needs a date from a young man in Colorado to
see the show.  Perhaps, however, Answerfinder could arrange a tap-in
link to Colorado and they could have a virtual date watching the show,
including a webcam link so that they can share enjoyment of the show
without disturbing others.

While on the subject of cctv, it is not true that the royal family is
participating in a facial recognition experiment to keep track of
anyone between the ages of 20 and 85.  It was considered, however, but
then decided  - as wise wives and grandmothers will -  there are some
things its better not to know.

I received the above information during a seance with someone who
claimed his name was Gehlen and said that he keeps up with matters in
the 21st century by ghosting around government offices in Pullach.

Don't have kemlo type the letter, or you might invite the Queen to a bath...

I just rang up Philip and now he's looking to smack you down old school.

Hi Bryan...

I know of a somewhat "vertically challenged" blonde in Canada, who
would be willing to camouflage herself as QEII....

Of course, the accent would have to be worked on...

Steph53

Hi All

I am mightily encouraged by your responses but Steph has raised an
interesting thought ...

I believe that Queenie is also 'vertically challenged' whereas I'm
6'1" without an ounce of fat on my elegant frame.

Maybe I should ask Queenie to wear stilettos?

And wear her hair up ...

With a miniature crown on top?

Still looking forward

Coned

At least Bryan invokes my name, knowing full well that would be the only way
he could get a date with the QEII, either the ship or the monarch.

Where he fails, is not realizing that Liz and I have a long history, stemming
from a short stint I had at Oxford, and the very obscure time that the Queen
spent as an art class model.  I am much too discrete to go into any detail,
needless to say it "amused" her to do it.

The main downfall of the letter as written, is that "Her Highness," having
gained that moniker from that very same university experience, loathes the
theatre.

She would rather go for some fish (she prefers skate, but it is hard to get
in the Big Smoke), chips and a pint (or four) at a boozer that has Formula 1
racing on the tube, the television, not the underground transport.

After a few bitters, "L," as she likes to be called at these times, becomes
the entertainment, if you know what I mean.

Looking Askance, (the true and only) denco-ga

Forgot to add that "L" prefers text messaging via her BlackBerry.

Dear faux Denco,

I'll bet you would have a lot more fun if you were to date Helen
Mirren instead of the Genuine Item. There's quite a resemblance, and
Dame Helen is said to be quite lively and witty (adjectives that are
seldom, if ever, applied to Her Majesty):

http://www.broadwayworld.com/upload/12818/queen1.jpeg

The bonus is this: Helen Mirren, in addition to being able to simulate
QEII, can also do a bang-on impersonation of QEI.

http://www.hbo.com/films/elizabeth/img/castandcrew/506x316_helen.jpg

Not only that, but, if the film "Calendar Girls" is any indication,
Dame Helen is in very nice physical condition for a lady of her age.

probonodenco,

In order to encourage the adoption of my advice about Dame Helen
Mirren, I have taken the liberty of making a one-letter change in the
Question's "subject" line (immediately above). I hope I'm not "out of
line" in doing this. There is nothing like a Dame, y'know.

I have an entirely different approach. I suggest to go the market and
purchase a date (the fruit). Then go to the venue of the monarch's
next public appearance, whip out your date and enjoy. You may choose
to do this in private so you can secretly savor the moment all to
yourself or, for full effect, have someone else take a snapshot (I,
for one, would find such a photo hilariously funny) of you making
passionate love to your "date" with the Queen in the background.
Either way, you will be able to say honestly, truthfully, and quite
accurately to all who care to know that you did indeed, on one
occassion, literally have "a date"...with the Queen.

How's that for creativity?

tutuzdad-ga

Tutz,
That is a very, very creative idea.  I am just worried about what the
Queen's ever present security might do if "Denco" is seen making
passionate love to a date in public.  Those Brits have colorful
(colourful) imaginations.  Some guy wrote a poem about raping a lock
of hair.  If they can think of that, there's no telling what they
might make of someone getting passionate with a date.
I suggest that Answerfinder be consulted before attempting this.

Which is more objectionable in the eyes of the British, consuming and
enjoying a heathly fruit or disparaging the good name of the nation's
monarch (who also happens to be a married woman and head of the
church) by requesting her private company? I submit that the date
fruit is not only a more acceptible means of fulfilling the dream, but
it is in all likliehood a 100% greater probability than an actual date
with the Queen. A date fruit can be easily and covertly nibbled and no
one would be the wiser. Had he dreamed of playing squash with her
rather than having a date with her I can see how my suggestion might
have had some obvious drawbacks. ;)

Dad

Oops .... My apologies to Denco ...

Ever since I introduced PREDTEXT (Predictive Text) on my computer,
whenever I write 'Looking Forward', PREDTEXT adds the rest.

I feel SO embarrassed, I shall have to sort this out right away!

Very many thanks for the various suggestions but, alas, whilst there
may be 'nothing like a dame', Queens also have a big following,
certainly here in Brighton.

Also, sorry Pops, I am not fond of the fruity type of dates but Good Try!

It's just got to be the REAL THING, preferably in stilletos.

gnikool drawrof

ocned

Perhaps you would consider an evening with Queen Latifah or
alternatively (no pun intended) an evening with the late great Freddie
Mercury's remaining troop (who may or may not be willing to don
stilletos for the occassion).

Why, hi there, Stephanie.  Nice to see you.  I was just reading
another question about how to get a date.
I've noticed that it seems that you would really like to meet a nice,
retired but still not-an-ounce-of-fat-on-him, 6'1" Englishman.
Just by chance, I happen to know someone like that.  He has some odd
interests, but there is nothing odd about his preference for petite
females.  He keeps going on about some girl (well, she's a bit older,
but looks younger) in Oklahoma, so apparently he doesn't have anything
against North Americans (which is a bit odd in light of some of his
remarks about the "colonials", as he often calls them) if they are
petit.  One might imagine that as an Hussar in his younger days he
could have something against persons of German descent, but that  
seems to be belied by his respect for a "wee" lass in Germany, and
then, of course, he is enamored (or "enamoured", as he would spell it)
of the Queen, and she is of German descent  - and also petit, only
5'4", and doesn't hide it by wearing those unhealthy stilettos.  Even
his late, beloved Daisy was petit, not that I am suggesting that he is
now looking for new companionship.

Anyway  - Gosh! I didn't mean to go on so long about him -  I was just
thinking, ... well, y'know, ... if you think you would like to meet
him  - just once  [hey kids, this is my date, really] -  maybe we
could all get together for a drink.  You'd be my guest, of course. 
No, it wouldn't be right for me to pay for your transportation  - I
wouldn't want you to feel obligated to me  [like hell I wouldn't!].  I
know that he has expensive tastes in champagne, but it would be my
pleasure to treat you both  [as long as you remember that it was ME
treating and arranging all this].
What do you think?