For about 6-7 years i have been gay against my will . I am 20 years
old . Now i reached to the level where i surf the internet looking for
guys several times a day. I am currently in Cambridge , UK . I have no
sexual feelings towards girls, and i believe this is a mental illness.
I need to change my personality and change my orientation to straight
as i dream of living a life which i see as normal in my views. I would
like to know what to do , and would like to know if there are
organizations here in the UK which could help me do so??(
religious/nonreligious)

---

Clarification of Question by jhbhgvgui-ga on 19 Oct 2006 21:02 PDT

Just to clarify what i mean by gay against my will- I like guys
physically , whereas i dont wanna be that way . I am against it myself
, if other people are fine with it thats ok, but i'm not fine with me
being gay.

Dear jhbhgvgui-ga, 

I know you came here looking for information and I?m sorry your
straightforward question has resulted instead in  a lot of unasked for
advice. The pro-gay responses represent one school of thought, but
it's not the only one, nor are all those who try to help people in
your position hateful, intolerant religious bigots.

And yes, please be assured that there are indeed serious and highly
credentialed psychologists and scientists who have done research in
this area and support the position that, for those suffer from
unwanted same-sex attractions and who want to change, serious help is
available. Following are lists of a variety of resources devoted to
offering that kind of help, both secular and religious, in the UK and
elsewhere. Though as of now the majority are US-based, you might still
be able to benefit from a great many of these resources via email and
the internet. The lists are alphabetical, so be sure to look through
them all to find those that are of most interest to you.

========
SECULAR
========

HOMOSEXUALS ANONYMOUS is ?A fellowship of men and women, who through
their common emotional experience, have chosen to help each other live
in freedom from homosexuality.? Although not religious per se, some of
the steps are modeled after Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) and do refer to
a ?higher power.? In addition, some of the individual stories express
a religious point of view. Based in the US, there is nevertheless a
chapter in Munich, Germany (contact info given), and there are
instructions on how to start a chapter in your area if you would like
to. However, there is also a lot of help and support to be gained
online.
http://www.ha-fs.org/ 

NARTH, or the National Association for Research & Therapy of
Homosexuality is ?a non-profit, educational organization dedicated to
affirming a complementary, male-female model of gender and sexuality,?
and ?is composed of psychiatrists, psychologists, certified social
workers, professional and pastoral counselors and other behavioral
scientists, as well as laymen from a wide variety of backgrounds such
as law, religion, and education.? The stated mission of this
well-respected organization is ?Helping clients bring their desires
and behaviors into harmony with their values.? You will find a wealth
of information on their website.
http://narth.com/  

PEOPLE CAN CHANGE ?runs online support groups where men who have left
homosexuality and resolved same-sex attraction problems give and
receive support. We strive to create a "safe container" where we can
learn from each other, a place where those who are struggling with
unwanted homosexuality provide mutual support to each other without
judgment or criticism.? In addition, they have a very informative
question-and-answer page, and a lot of other information and
resources.
http://www.peoplecanchange.com/ 

PFOX
As stated below, one very prominent source that can provide you with a
great deal of information and possibly assistance is PFOX. The acronym
stands for Parents and Friends of Gays and Ex-gays. It's that latter
term that seems to incense many people. However, there are many
people, male and female, who publicly attest that they have
successfully overcome their unwanted same-sex attractions, and now
identify themselves as ex-gays. Their stories are varied and
interesting and, while the journey is different for each individual,
you may find some encouragment from reading about some of these others
who have walked in your shoes. In addition to personal testimonials,
there is a lot of other information on this site, including links to
scientific scientific papers and reports, so do take the time to look
around.
http://www.pfox.org

WARREN THROCKMORTON is a serious psychologist, who has studied and
written about sexual orientation, and is considered an authority in
this field. The "About" section of his website, says,
  "Warren Throckmorton, PhD is an Associate Professor of Psychology
and Fellow for Psychology and Public Policy at Grove City (PA)
College. His academic work has been published by journals of the
American Psychological Association, the American Mental Health
Counseling Association and the Christian Association for Psychological
Studies. Dr. Throckmorton is past-president of the American Mental
Health Counselors Association and is past-chair of the Ethics
Committee. For six years, he served on the National Provider Advisory
Board of Magellan Behavioral Healthcare, the largest behavioral
healthcare company in the world. In 2004, he wrote and produced the
documentary, ?I Do Exist? about sexual orientation change and in 2005
followed up with a shortened version called Sexual Orientation: Is
Change Possible. Dr. Throckmorton has appeared on the O'Reilly Factor,
FOX News Live, CNN and numerous other TV and radio talk shows. His
columns have been published by over 100 newspapers nationwide."
http://www.drthrockmorton.com/  
http://www.drthrockmorton.com/webvita.pdf  

=========
RELIGIOUS
=========

DESERT STREAM MINISTRIES is a US and Christian-based program of help
and support for those with unwanted same-sex attraction. Contact
information for the UK is available by clicking ?Find a Group,? link,
then on the European continent, then scrolling down to the bottom
left-hand of the popup window.
http://www.desertstream.org/ 

EnCOURAGE is a Roman Catholic Ministry that is not involved in
reorientation efforts, but rather seeks to support those struggling
with homosexual attractions by encouraging and helping them to live
celibate, chaste lives. They have a monthly meeting in Manchester and
occasional meetings elsewhere.
http://www.encouragetrust.org.uk/ 

EVERGREEN INTERNATIONAL is a ?is a nonprofit organization that helps
people who want to diminish same-sex attractions and overcome
homosexual behavior? and is operated under the auspices of the Church
of Jesus Chris of Latter-Day Saints (Mormon), with branches worldwide.
http://www.evergreeninternational.org/ 

EXODUS INTERNATIONAL/EXODUS GLOBAL ALLIANCE A
Ahough often maligned, this large, global organization counts among
its members many who claim to have found freedom from unwanted
same-sex attraction. It has a world-wide network, offering help and
support worldwide. It is Christian-based, but serves all who come
seeking help. Part of what they provide includes ?local ministries,
also called Member Ministries, in many countries around the world. Two
of the most common services that Exodus member ministries provide are
counselling and support groups. In addition, some member ministries
provide a live-in program. Others provide some on-line services such
as counselling by email or discussion forums for people who are too
far away from a local ministry to receive help in-person.? The first
step in finding resources near you is to contact Exodus. The European
regional office is being revamped, so they suggest if you want to talk
to someone, to call the Canadian office in the interim. Or you could
email for more information. Here are links to the main Global Alliance
page, and the international contacts page:
http://exodusglobalalliance.org/
http://exodusglobalalliance.org/contactusc21.php#internationaloffice 

JONAHWEB is a Jewish non-profit international organization dedicated
to educating the world-wide Jewish community about the prevention,
intervention, and healing of the underlying issues causing same-sex
attractions.? They offer their help to anyone, and invite all who ?are
confused by same-sex attractions or know someone who is and desire
help? to contact them for assistance and resources.
http://www.jonahweb.org/ 

PARAKALEO may or may not be of interest to you, but is included as a
UK-based Christian-based group serving transvestite, transssexual and
transgendered persons who wish ?to re establish their God given gender
identity and destiny.? It is based in UK.
http://www.parakaleo.co.uk/ 

TRUE FREEDOM TRUST is a UK-based ?Christian support and teaching
ministry for men and women who accept the Bible's prohibition of
homosexual practice and yet are aware of homosexual tendencies, or
struggle with other sexual and relational issues.? They are based in
the Northwest of England, with groups and volunteer workers across the
UK.
http://www.truefreedomtrust.co.uk/ 

ZACCHAEUS FELLOWSHIP is a Canadian group, which describes itself as ?a
fellowship of men and women who hold to the church's historic view on
sexuality in the face of former or present struggles with same-sex
attraction.? On their website you?ll find information, and links to a
number of Yahoo discussion groups, as well as other Christian website
by and for those with unwanted same sex attractions.
http://www.zacchaeus.ca/index.htm

=====================
INDIVIDUAL MINISTRIES
=====================

List of individual ministries that may not be feasible for you to
visit in person, but whose website may contain information of help to
you:

NEW HOPE MINISTRIES
http://www.newhope123.org/index.htm 

STEPEHN BENNETT MINISTRIES
http://www.sbministries.org/

=============
MISCELLAENOUS
=============

Here are links to some pages that contain further links to and lists
of resources that you may find helpful, as well as some other
interesting information:

EX-GAY MINISTRIES:
http://ourworld.compuserve.com/homepages/rossuk/h-exgay.htm 

Internet Ex-Gay Links, Web Sites and E-Mail Addresses (note: this is a
personal page, and some of these links are out of date, but many are
still valid.)
http://www.geocities.com/exgaylinks/IntlLinks.html 

INTERNATIONAL HEALING FOUNDATION links page, with information on
international organizations helping people with unwanted same-sex
attraction.
http://www.gaytostraight.org/internatorgs.htm 

There is a LIST OF EX-GAY BLOGS, linking to blogs by those people who
have successfully overcome unwanted same-sex attraction and/or are,
like you, seeking to do so. Be aware that some have been flamed with
unkind and sometimes hateful comments by those who disagree with their
efforts. However, you may still find it of help to read posts by those
who share your outlook.
http://exgayblogger.blogspot.com/2005/12/list-of-ex-gay-blogs.html

Link to an article form earlier this year, reporting on an annoucement
by the President of the American Psychological Association(APA)
affirming the rights of those individuals distressed by same-sex
attractions to seek help in overcoming them:
http://www.family.org/cforum/extras/a0041796.cfm
 
*********************************************************

I truly hope that from among these sources you may find one or more
that will be helpful to you. If you need more clarification or if any
links aren?t working, please ask using the ?Request for Clarification?
feature. I want to be sure you feel you?ve received the information
you were looking for, and I truly wish you best of luck in your
search.

Kindest regards,
Byrd-ga


Search strategy:

It wasn?t easy locating a lot of these resources, as searching merely
on ?ex-gay? turned up a lot of negative information. However,
ultimately I found this search term to yield the best results, even
though they too required some digging to separate the helpful from the
non-helpful ones:

[ex-gay fellowship OR support OR help OR affirm] 
[overcoming same-sex attraction fellowship OR group OR ministry OR counseling]
[unwanted same-sex attraction help OR change OR convert OR reparation]

Also, I searched separately on both ://www.google.com and
://www.google.co.uk, restricting latter results to UK-only sites,
but honestly, that didn?t help a whole lot. It turned out to be better
to follow links from within the websites to get international
information.

Gay against your will?  Sounds like you are conflicted between how you
feel and how, in general, you think society wishes you to behave. 
Seek counseling so you can explore this.

Dear jhbhgvgui-ga,

Please go to this site: http://pfox.org/ and take the time to read
everything you can. You may find some help there. Email somebody
there; they may be able to put you in touch with someone in the UK who
can help you. Best wishes to you in your search.

Kind regards,
Byrd-ga

Trying to change yourself is quite a losing proposition. 
Homosexuality seems to be an innate characteristic deemed from birth. 
This has recently been proven by a range of scientific studies. Many
people have tried to change themselves in this way and failed.

If you want to know what kinds of things can happen when you're forced
to deny yourself and who you are, check out these links:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/James_McGreevey

Here is a study that shows that genetics plays a larger role in sexual
orientation than social factors:

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,11069-2244488,00.html

You really do need to go to counseling. You can't try to deny
yourself, because you will end up creating problems for yourself later
by acting out in "secret" ways since you can't do it openly-- see the
New Jersey governor above for an example.  Another example would be
Mark Foley, who just resigned from the US Congress. (You're already
doing this by looking on the Internet for dates on a daily basis,
which is most likely not something that you would be doing if you
accepted yourself for how you are.)

I do not think you can be changed, and I do not think you should be
changed. If you have no sexual feelings towards girls, you're most
likely not bisexual. These can't be "created" in you. Here is a case
of someone who tried to change (by getting married to an unknowing
woman, having kids, etc.) and what happened to him... in the end he
realized that that was who he was and he couldn't be changed. Your
life will be much happier the sooner you come to these conclusions.

http://www.indyweek.com/gyrobase/Content?oid=oid%3A37602

That is a very interesting article... and I hope you don't try to put
yourself in a situation like that.  It can be hard to learn to love
yourself, but once you do you'll reap the rewards.

I agree with Keystroke. No serious psychologist today would offer "to
change a gay person", because this would could cause serious
psychological damage. Being "normal" means living normally and
morally, and living normally means not being tormented by things -
like sexual tendencies - that we cannot change.

Try these for consultation

Youth2Youth
http://www.youth2youth.co.uk/ 

Samaritans
http://www.samaritans.org.uk/ 

Chris Wylie
http://www.chriswylie.supanet.com/ 

If you're Muslim: 
Imaan
http://www.imaan.org.uk/

Webadept gave a good answer to a similar question here:

http://answers.google.com/answers/threadview?id=137712

Boo hiss to  byrd-ga.  Shame on you.

You may as well quote from Harry Potter.  It's just as believable as your stories.

jhbhgvgui-ga, you don't really have any choice.  You should be true to
yourself and accept who you are.  Ignore all those haters who try to
"convert" you.  You will only be hurt and angry when you learn that
conversion is a bunch of hooey promulgated by religious zealots and
self-hating homosexuals.

Remeber: the word gay means happy!

Accept yourself as you are.  Learn to work within how you are.  I am
hetrosexual, but I don't troll the internet sites looking for hook
ups.  I have gay friends and they don't troll internet sites either. 
They would be married if the state would allow them to be, but for all
intents they are married to partners.  Two of them are raising
children and they are loving parents. (no, they aren't trying to
change their children into being gay.  You can't change someone's
sexual orientation.)

Before you actually approach one of these organizations, which is
obviously a matter of your own personal choosing, you need to ask
yourself one fundamental question yourself:  Is homosexuality an
inherent characteristic with which people are born, or is
homosexuality something which develops during a person's life as a
result of stimuli, experiences and other causal factors (which have
never been proven as of yet)?

Since no consensus has been reached on the answer to this question,
you will have to decide what the answer is for yourself.  If you think
homosexuality is inherent, then attepmting to change this innate
characteristic would be tantamount to changing your skin color, your
hair color, your height, or other personality-related traits, like
whether you are innately shy or outgoing or talkative (it is even
being gradually proven that we are born with many of these traits). In
other words, you can make superficial or cosmetic changes only with
great effort, but in the end reality will always win out (and is
always there underneath, ready to surface at a moment's notice), and
it is most likely that you will someday grow tired of pretending or
creating the illusion that you like a gender you are not attracted to.

If you decide that homosexuality is not something innate, then you
might try to find help changing with one of these groups or
organizations, whichever bets fits your life and beliefs.

In trying to answer my question for yourself, think back to how your
homosexual feelings came about?  Did you simply start feeling
attracted to males as you grew up, or did someone try to teach you to
be gay?  Answer the following questions for yourself: why does an
individual feel attracted to another person, male or female?  Is it
because of brain chemicals, Cupid, because someone tells you to?  What
is the origin of that loving feeling?

Being homosexual, even today, is very difficult for many reasons and
it can be argued that these organizations which will be teaching you
not to be homosexual are simply preying on those who unfortunately are
too weak to deal with who they are.  If homosexuality is innate and
unchangeable, but being homosexual has many negative effects, then the
potential for taking advantage of gay people is enormous. Think of the
millions of dollars made by companies trying to help people who no
longer what to be fat. The billions made by companies that offer
products to change your hair, skin, weight and general attractiveness.
The thousands of books on how to be more persuasive, more attractive,
more positive, more outgoing, more WHATEVER! The temptation is great
for organizations created by people who were brought up to hate
homosexuality and who, at the same time, see some money and power can
be had.

If homosexuality is innate, then, think how much money, time and
effort you could be asked to give in order to achieve a goal that is
unattainable, before you realize that you won't ever achieve it.  So,
you must ask yourself which goal is easier to attain: learning to
accept what you are (with the understanding that you cannot change the
hand you've been dealt) or successfully trying to pretend to be
something you are not? Both will be hard to achieve, I must
unfortunately tell you. Also bear in mind that you may achieve the
goal you choose, only to discover that it wasn't worth achieving in
the first place. And if you are a moral person, bear in mind how many
people you could hurt along the way (namely the woman you end up
pairing with in order to create your new life and any potential
children).

This is complicated by the fact that we live in a world that tells us
a basic lie: that we can be and do whatever we want. While our
potential as human beings is much greater and more open than in the
past, all people have certain traits that they simply will never be
able to change, either because it is not changeable, or because it is
too costly (whether in terms of money, time or effort) to change.

In terms of your promiscuousness, this is merely a response to the
fact that you do not accept who you are. Though I am no psychologist,
a professional would probably tell you that you turn to sex in order
to avoid facing your real problems. Though you know this is true, it
may be very difficult to stop.  If you were heterosexual and had
problems, you might fall into some other addiction to solve some other
problem. Being heterosexual will be no panacea to all of life's
troubles. The key lies in solving your problems for real. So go think,
answer the question I asked at the beginning and take the required
action! If you decide not to try to change your sexuality, there are
also lots of organizations out there to help you! Good luck! You are
young, but everything is surmountable and no situation is the end of
the world.