You watch a movie with a girl, lying on a wide sofa next to each
other.  What is the best move to kiss her, so it's most comfortable
and least awkward?

Hello braver,

Thanks for a very interesting question.

A reader at AskMen.com asked just the same thing:

http://www.askmen.com/love/player_60/69_love_games.html

Know When She Wants To Be Kissed 

...I understand that it is very important to kiss a woman the right
way -- especially if I just met her and hope to convince her to sleep
with me. But before I can even dream about becoming the world's best
kisser, I need to learn when to move in for that first kiss.
I'm too scared to make the first move on new connections mostly
because I know most women assume that all men want sex and I don't
want to scare them away.

The last thing I want is to have a woman pull back when I lean in for
a kiss. For this reason I very rarely make a move. In fact, I've only
tried to kiss one lady and it didn't work out too well.

As any gentleman would do, I asked her if I could kiss her before
moving in. But this seemed to backfire, as the woman looked very
turned off by the question...

Player answers:

A Simple Kiss 	
			

Unfortunately, a lot of men think the same way as the asker when it
comes to kissing women. They're too concerned about coming on too
strong, making fools of themselves or scaring women away.

But the reality is that as long as you're getting a comfortable vibe
from her, and you're not gawking or touching her in a disrespectful
way, she surely won't mind if you move in to kiss her -- especially if
you're on a date. Most of the women I've encountered confess that they
appreciate it when a man makes the first move and kisses them without
asking or hesitating.

They claim that a man who doesn't dawdle displays a lot more
confidence and sturdy qualities that women look for in men. In other
words, they like the romantic notion that a take-charge gentleman will
sweep them off their feet.

Keep in mind that we're talking about a simple display of affection.
All you're going to do is kiss her and the sexiest way to do so is by
being spontaneous.

----------------------------

At the same site, another article addresses the same question and the
asker seems to really understand all aspects of the question of
timing:

http://www.askmen.com/dating/doclove_100/131_relationship_expert.html

reader's question 	
			

Hi Doc, 

I have a problem that I need some help with. The thing is, I never
know where, when and even exactly how to kiss a girl for the first
time -- any girl I'm out on a date with.

Once I get past that first kiss and I know that she's attracted to me,
I'm fine. But it's that first, potentially awkward kiss that I really
have trouble with. I'm not good with timing at all and it seems like
there are so many ways to get it wrong. I've had some bad experiences
in the past where, when I went in for the kiss, my date said something
like, "What are you doing?!?" and seemed offended.

I've also had more than a few experiences where the girl would kiss me
back but almost reluctantly or as if she was just being polite and
then she would change the subject and start asking me questions about
something unrelated. At those times, I've always felt that I just
didn't do it right, like if I had been more suave and sophisticated,
then I would have gotten a better response.

So do you have any tips on the proper execution of the first kiss?

There are so many questions that come to mind on the topic. How long
should you wait before you make your move? Should you always give her
a nice compliment before you go for it? How do you know when the
timing is right? Besides making sure that your breath is fresh (which
I do), are there any other crucial dos and don'ts you recommend?
Please fill me in on what you know about this Doc. I respect your
wisdom.

Doc replies:

No reason to be sheepish about your question. You might feel like
you're the only guy on the planet who has this dilemma, but you're not
at all. Most guys are confused about these very same issues, at least
at some time in their lives. Why? Because good mentors and role models
for proper deportment with women are hard to come by.

Let me be your mentor... 

Some guys have a natural, effortless mastery with women, but they are
a minority. And most of the guys who are highly skilled and confident
with women aren't usually motivated to take the time and caring to
help other men become more successful with women. The way most of us
learn how to "do it right" is by trial and error -- lots of error and
always on trial.

All right. Here is some priceless information that will make a big
difference for you. The number one rule of proper first kiss execution
is certainty that you have built a strong sense of comfort with your
date before you make your move. She doesn't have to be in an altered
state of blissful romantic anticipation, but she must feel physically
and emotionally comfortable with you in general and particularly at
the moment of truth.

--------------------------

Also keep in mind that as you're about to go for it, you may not feel
comfortable at all. But that's normal. After all, you're the one who's
about to risk rejection, not her. But all that really matters is that
she feels comfortable; she has to feel comfortable or else forget it.
The other crucial key to proper first kiss execution is: don't say
anything. The easiest way to appear suave and sophisticated when you
first make your move is to do it in silence. For instance, imagine you
and your date are sipping tea on her couch after the two of you have
been out for a lovely meal. Try to get a couple of good one-liners
into the conversation if you can. Then make sure that she's finished
saying anything she might have been sharing with you, give her a big
smirk of a smile, and then silently and sweetly, lay one on her.

--------------------

Don't try to justify your actions with a compliment. Don't try to
excuse or explain what you're about to do. Don't try to motivate her
by telling her how much you like her. Don't ask her for permission to
kiss her, which she will perceive as weak and begging (unless her
Interest Level [degree of love] is off the chart from the get-go).
Remember, the classic male archetype of women's romantic fantasies is
"The strong silent type." As my Uncle Jethro Love used to say, "You
can't wind up saying something that lowers her Interest Level or her
comfort level if you simply don't speak at all, now can you?" So be
Mr. Nike, and without a word -- just do it.


Sometimes that first kiss happens magically and effortlessly, as if
you and your date were actors in a romantic film with all the elements
in perfect alignment. But more often, things don't flow so perfectly.
Many times, going for that first kiss is like trying to change the
dust bag on an old hoover; no matter how careful you are, things can
get a bit messy. That's okay. If the Interest Level is there, she'll
be happy that you went for it, regardless of any lack of elegance in
your approach. To you Psych majors: when they like you, they help you
and they give you the benefit of the doubt.


Braver, I don't think I will find better advice on first kisses no
matter how long I research this question. I think Doc has this one
down and I suggest you read his entire article - heck, you might see
what advice he has on other subjects!

Best of luck on your next date. And thanks for some enjoyable
research!


Search strategy: first kiss move OR approach

Regards,

-=clouseau=-

---

Request for Answer Clarification by braver-ga on 28 Oct 2002 23:28 PST

Dear Cluseau, 
Thanks for the promising beginning.  I would like however to get more
detailed tips for the specific situation I often find myself in,
described first -- when watching a movie in a dark room with a girl
reclined on a sofa.  Leaning over to her seems too intrusive/awkward,
and there are various things I could do -- say, be bold, turn the
movie off, or do it more in sync with the movie, and kiss her; or hold
her hand first, and take it from there.  I'm also pondering what's
preferable, holding hands first and kissing next, as JCG suggested, or
moving for a kiss right away?  My specific situation warrants more
details, please!

---

Clarification of Answer by clouseau-ga on 28 Oct 2002 23:39 PST

Hello again braver,

Actually, the promising beginning is all yours to find. 

I think the advice Doc has provided above is elegant in setting
guidelines for how to deal with almost any anticipated situation. One
can never script this for you as the people involved, as well as the
environment and the moment will all impact what your inner sense of
timing and action will dictate and how your partner will respond.

It doesn't matter if its on the couch, at the drive-in, at the
beach...what does matter is the respect and admiration between the
participants and their trust and confidence in themselves. Be the best
and most considerate you that you can be and there is no wrong action
to be taken.

And you will find that part of the reward is the experience of the
spontaneity. Anticpate the moment, but don't allow yourself to write
the script before hand.

Best of luck,

-=clouseau=-

---

Request for Answer Clarification by braver-ga on 29 Oct 2002 21:25 PST

Well, I'd still appreciate specific hints for my situation, as
specified in the original question.  I appreciate the value of
spontaneity, yet my specific concern is the exact setting described,
and I'd need an answer addressing it to close this question
properly...

---

Request for Answer Clarification by braver-ga on 29 Oct 2002 21:34 PST

Dear JCG, thanks for the excellent clarification!

---

Clarification of Answer by clouseau-ga on 29 Oct 2002 21:38 PST

Well, braver, I would suggest a re-read of the advice above and a
moment to digest the essence of the message.

And then, as jcg wisely suggests, take things slowly and make contact
first in a non-threatening way. Allow each other to become comfortable
with touch and holding hands. Sense a willingness in her response and
move a little closer. Talk, make eye contact and there will be a monet
where it will feel right to kiss her cheek or even lips in a non
agressive way.

By all means, do not turn off the movie and "move in", but let the
embrace and kiss be a part of the moment and the ongoing experience
and let things develop naturally from that first touch, through first
embrace, through first kiss.

Best of luck,

-=clouseau=-

As a woman who was once a girl, I would like to add this insight: 

Don't be too concerned about the possibility of being awkward. If the
girl really likes you, a bit of fumbling can be charming. I have some
wonderful memories of a young man trying to kiss me while we watched a
drive-in movie in 1965. We were in a Volkswagen Beetle at the time,
and it is next to impossible to smooch gracefully in such a vehicle.
But the efforts were cute, and I loved him for trying so hard!

Dear Braver,

From a woman's perspective, you are a WISE man to consider the answer
to this question.  The answer is not complicated, although it assumes
you care about the woman and would like to keep her around for at
least a while!  FIRST, do not consider making the move until you
observe that she is OK with touching you - for example, she touches
your arm multiple times, she touches shoulders with you on and off and
seems comfortable with it, or some similar show of comfort in being
physically close to you.  SECOND, offer a SOFT but CLOSED MOUTHED kiss
AT THE END OF A DATE.  Do not kiss in the middle of a date (unless she
kisses you).  The reason for you only kissing her at the end of a date
when it is the first kiss is that you must give her an escape route in
case she is uncomfortable for any reason.  If she wants to kiss you
AND IS READY for this milestone, she will lean into the kiss and make
it more than what you were originally offering.  If she is not ready
or if this is just not in the cards for the two of you, no one gets
embarrased or hurt.  When a woman feels safe with and respected by a
man, she considers him to be self confident, powerful, strong, etc. 
Let her know that you are attracted to her but that she is in control.
 She will want you all the more.  Trust me.

JCG

Dear Braver,

Excellent clarification regarding the specific situation.  First, make
sure you have been touching along your arms and legs for a while as
you watch the tube (at least 15 minutes).  If you can get your arm
around her with her feeling comfortable, great.  That position opens
up one of her cheeks to you.  Next step is to take her nearest hand in
your free hand.  Hold her hand and play with it GENTLY (she will love
this).  At this point, you have one arm around her and one hand
holding and playing with her hand.  Once this is comfortable for both
of you (give it at least 5 minutes), just give her a simple, soft kiss
on the cheek while you are still holding her hand.  She can't be
concerned that you might touch her in an "inappropriate place" if she
knows where both of your hands are.  She can relax more.  When you
kiss her on the cheek, pay attention to how her body reacts.  Does she
get tense or does she seem to soften to your kiss?  If she tenses,
don't do it again for at least another 30 minutes.  If she tenses
again, wait for the standing kiss at the goodbye.  If she softens to
it, she may turn and kiss you herself at this point.  If she doesn't,
I would repeat the cheek kiss after about 5 minutes.  As per my
previous comment, I would not go for the mouth unless she does first
or unless you are standing and it is the end of the date.  Show her
you are not afraid to touch her (e.g., by holding and playing with her
hand, putting your arm around her, etc.).  But let her build up a
desire for you.  The results will be better.

JCG

I've always found it sweetly charming when a man *asks* for a kiss. 
It says that he respects you enough not to just take what he wants,
and he's interested enough to *talk*, too!

--Missy