Hi there,
I'm so sorry you're suffering such difficulties. It sounds to me like
your girlfriend has been deeply wounded in the past, and hasn't
managed to shake off the after-effects of those wounds. People who've
been badly hurt in relationships often become insecure and fearful
that they are somehow inadequate, then cope with those feelings by
lashing out at the people who love them.
Before you ask, no, I don't know why people do this. It puzzles me
just as much as it puzzles and frustrates you, and we're not the only
ones:
"I run into so many people who have been hurt in relationships. They
tend to then withdraw, not take risks, and want to minimize the
possibility of any further hurt.
You meet them everywhere, in real life, on dates, at work, in chat
rooms online.
The story is almost always the same. They operate on the “anyone who
knows me well enough to meet my needs knows me well enough to hurt
me..” and I ain’t going to be hurt any more!
So instead of learning from the past, and the lessons they need to
learn, they pick up on the wrong lesson."
Trust and Relationships
http://www.zgmoment.com/trust_relationshiparticle.htm
I think in our puzzlement, we may be able to find a way to help smooth
things out for you, or at the very least, give you a little
encouragement.
Perhaps with a little patience, you can bring her around and win her
trust. The first step in gaining trust is open communication. I
don't mean the "brutal honesty" sort, in which people say hurtful
things, then follow it with "I'm just trying to be honest!". I mean
the sort where you openly express your puzzlement, without being
accusatory or defensive. Tell her that you're feeling confused and
frustrated by the accusations. Ask her gently "Why do you think I'm
chatting with other girls? Is there something I've done that makes
think this? Did someone else do this to you before?"
Then *listen*. Try to put yourself in her shoes, to see where she
might be getting this wrong idea. Though this is sometimes very hard
to do, it's really important that you try to see from *her*
perspective.
Dr. Geri Forsberg offers a very well defined explanation of honest
communication:
"1. Ask questions. Don't assume you understand what a person means.
Once you ask a few questions, it doesn't take long to really find out
what they really mean.
2. Listen. To become a better communicator, you must be willing to
listen so you can understand the other person's perspective.
3. Observe and be willing to verify the information you receive.
4. Let people know what you are thinking by sharing it. By disclosing
information about yourself, it aids the other person in understanding
who you are and how you are understanding them.
5. Remember that love covers a multitude of sins. If your motives are
wanting to understand people and accept them for who they are, then
communication will be easier. But if you set out to convince them that
your way is the right way, then that's not communication. And that's
not love."
Lasting Love: Building Trust in Relationships
http://www.iamnext.com/relationships/trust.html
Dr. James P. Semmens expands on this, and offers guidelines for how to
broach the subject gently by taking responsibility for the
conversation using "I language":
"Express thoughts and needs in "I" language. For example, say "I feel
. . . I need. . . I want . . ." This will help you to express your
feelings, negotiate to get your needs met, and let your partner know
your emotional state at any given time in a nonthreatening manner. It
may also:
* free a deadlocked relationship
* break a destructive, persistent silence
* permit the couple to talk to each other
* provide greater insight into how both verbal and nonverbal
communication works.
Communication about needs and desires is basic to any relationship.
Unfortunately, some people feel unable to express themselves well.
They may feel they lack the words or the education to say what they
mean or to enable someone else to understand how they feel."
Communication in Intimate Relationships
http://www.realage.com/Connect/healthadvisor/behavioral/crs/verb.htm
By expressing yourself with "I language", you're likely to find that
your girlfriend will be less accusatory, and less likely to go on the
defensive. "I language" clearly expresses concern without placing
blame on the other party. The trick here, of course, is making
certain you don't go on the defensive yourself. This can be
difficult, especially in the face of unfounded accusations, but it's
ultimately better for your relationship and for your own peace of
mind.
If, after a while, communication isn't helping, perhaps you might want
to look into seeing a counselor together? People are very hard to
figure out sometimes, and that's even more the case when it comes to
people we love. An objective, outside party trained in helping people
learn to communicate with each other may be quite helpful for both of
you!
Take heart. It may very well be that she's just remarkably stressed,
and once you've talked things out calmly and gently, you'll understand
each other better, easing your frustration and her mistrust.
If you need further assistance, please don't be afraid to ask. I'll
be glad to searchout other resources for you.
Good luck, I wish you all the best.
--Missy
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