My daugher is expecting her second child with the same man.  They have
lived together more than eight years.  The second child was agreed to
and planned by both.  Now the father is in complete denial - the same
basic position he had with the first child which passed almost right
away following the child's birth.  Now the man will not even talk with
my daugher and states he wants nothing to do with this new child.

First three months of pregnacy was fine and they were house hunting. 
My wife went to visit and assisted in their house hunting efforts. 
The two of them could not agree on any one house and my wife returned
home.  At this point he declared that he was no longer interested in
having the child - did not want another one born in New York City -
wanted my daugher to have an abortion.  When my daughter would not
agree to an abortion, he declared he would be moving out of their
appartment.  The two of them have barely spoken for three months. 
Needless to say there is great a great deal of tension.

My wife and I believe that he suffers from some form of depression
and/or anxiety.  Can you lead us to any information on the subject as
it pertains to the above situation?

I attempted to research this for you, but information specifically
regarding antepartum depression in men is depressingly absent. I do
want to commend you for helping this person rather than simply writing
him off. Pregnancy puts a huge strain on the father, and they are not
privy to the same level of support that the mothers are.

I spoke via telephone to several mental health organizations and
post-partum depression organizations. They confirm that there is
little or no specific information available regarding antepartum
depression in men. However, they all concur that this person can
likely be helped with counselling. Depression itself
is not a rare condition. A mental health professional can help to
determine the best course of action. There are many treatments
available for depression, including support groups, individual
counselling and medication. The groups I spoke to confirm that, while
there is little published information on antepartum depression in men,
it *does* exist. Your daughter's partner is not alone in this.
He needs to know that he can take action to help himself.

Your best bet is to contact your local mental health organizations to
get local support groups and mental health professionals. If you post
a request for clarification including your geographic location, I will
try to find the numbers for your local mental health support
organizations.

Here is a general discussion of depression from the National Institute
for Mental Health:
http://www.nimh.nih.gov/publicat/depresfact.cfm

WebMD has a discussion on depression in men:
http://my.webmd.com/content/article/1663.51924?z=1663_51929_5000_00_01

Postpartum.net has a listing of local post-partum support groups.
While you are talking about antepartum depression, the post-partum
groups are the most likely places to have information.
http://www.postpartum.net/momhelp.html

This page has some good general advice for dealing with having a
depressed person in your life:
http://www.innerself.com/Miscellaneous/depression.htm

Here are numbers for national mental health organizations who can put
you on the right track for support groups and mental health
professionals in your area:
National Alliance for the Mentally Ill, (800) 950-NAMI
National Depressive and Manic Depressive Association, (800) 82-NDMDA 
Depression and Related Affective Disorders Association, (410) 955-4647

University Health Care System has a page listing some depression
self-help resources:
http://uhcs.universityhealth.org/library/healthguide/selfhelp/topic.asp?hwid=shc48
Best wishes to you and to your family.

Hammer

Hammer-ga

Thanks you for your comments and references.  We will take them under
advise and follow up on your suggestions.

Hello,

It is indeed possible that your daughter's boyfriend suffers from
depression or anxiety. But when I read your question, the first thing
that ran through my mind was the possibility of domestic violence.
Physical abuse often begins or worsens during pregnancy. Below are a
few links for you to consider.


Domestic Violence in Pregnancy
http://pregnancy.about.com/cs/domesticviolence/

National Domestic Violence Hotline
http://www.ndvh.org/
1-800-799-SAFE


If you think there is a chance that your daughter is being abused or
is at risk of abuse here's something you can do. Talk to your daughter
when she is *alone* and there is no possibility of the boyfriend
overhearing or suspecting anything. Reassure your daughter that you
care about her and you won't pass judgement or think less of her for
anything she might tell you. Then inquire if she is being threatened
or mistreated by her boyfriend. If she says no, ask if she is worried
that he may start threatening or harming her in the future. If she is
being abused or fearful of being abused, the National DV Hotline above
can put her in touch with resources. If your daughter will not talk to
you or seems evasive about the subject, you may want to inform her
doctor's office (whoever is providing her prenatal care) of the
possibility of abuse. They will know how to discuss it with her and
monitor her for physical signs of abuse.

I hope my mention of possible abuse does not offend or upset you. In
my line of work I see a lot of physically abused women, many of whom
are pregnant. Because you seem genuinely concerned about her
situation, I felt the ethical thing to do was to at least raise the
possibility of violence with you.

Best wishes to you and your family,
fsw 

PS--If you suspect the possibility of abuse, please be sure that you
do NOT forward any of this information to your daughter by email. If
she is being abused, her boyfriend will likely become enraged if he
discovers it on the computer. If she wants to find resources on the
computer, please have her do it in a safer environment such as a
friend's home or a public library.

Dear Dick,

I'm sorry for your family situation.  Let me get right to the point. 
Why would you try to do something to help keep your daughter with a
man who, after 8 years, has not married her and yet is willing to
accept the advantages of being married?  On top of that, he will not
take responsibility for a child he has created.  He has had children
outside the relationship with your daughter ("did not want another one
born in New York City") and clearly does not live with them (is he an
active father in their lives?).  Consider, rather, that you and your
daughter now know enough about this person and that, for whatever
reason, he is absolutely not husband OR father material for your
daughter and her children.  Rather than looking for reasons for his
behavior, consider working with your daughter to discover why she
hooks up with this kind of man in this type of uncommited
relationship.  Good luck.

JCG