Greetings

I have been experiencing a personal problem for a number of years now
and I suppose I would like to know if my case is unique. I have been
'suffering' from a problem when communicating with any person - when
making eye contact I am unable to look into both eyes, I am very
concious that I am fixating only on one eye at a time.

I can detect unease whenever I talk to someone face-to-face and this
has been worrying me for some time now, I'm starting to think that
people are avoiding me just so they don't have to make eye contact. I
haven't been aware of this all my life, it has only started happening
within the past 3-4 years.

If this is a psychological disorder I would like to know more about
it, and if anyone else appears to suffer from this.

Many thanks

Hi loco,

  Good day and thanks for your question.

  I know how you feel. This is one problem which had been affecting me
for long. Initially, I could barely maintain eye-contact with a person
while talking, especially a member of the opposite sex.

  I visited an ophthamologist and psychiatrist, and according to them,
there was no defect. They suggested an exercise similar to the one
mentioned at
http://www.innerself.com/Lifestyle_Changes/eye_contact.htm

  The only difference being that I was asked to look into the mirror
first and then involve another person.

  This exercise has proved to be successful. I made progress. I
reached the stage where I maintained eye contact but rarely looked at
both eyes (the stage which you're at). Right now, I have absolutely no
problems.

  Do this exercise. A word of caution though - don't expect immediate
results. You will get results though.

  If you have any clarifications, feel free to ask.

  Thank you for using this service and have a nice day.

Warm regards,
Aditya

---

Clarification of Answer by aditya2k-ga on 05 Nov 2002 13:17 PST

loco, you should've asked for a clarification request. Anyway, Rebekah
has done a great job in covering the psychological aspects. Although
she feels that its psychological, I am convinced it isn't.

I've also read that if you look at a person from one eye to another,
it makes them think that you're listening to them and involved in the
conversation

Cheers,
aditya

Thank you for your help, I will try out the exercise you mentioned and
hopefully I will see improvements. I would've perhaps liked a little
more information on the psychological side of things, maybe a link to
an online support group but I appreciate you taking the time to
answer.

As a psychology student - I would at first, suggest that your problem
is psychological - IF you avoided eye contact all together.   The fact
that you try, but cannot make contact in both eyes at once seems to
strongly indicate an actual eye problem.

    I can also tell you that I have had this problem since I was young
- and the reason is because my eye muscles 'jump'.  I can look at one
person in one eye or the other, but not in both at the same time,
which sounds a lot like your problem.  Here's an easy at home test for
this: put your hand over one eye & look at an object.  Switch to the
other eye, while still concentrating on the object.  The object SHOULD
appear to 'jump' - everyone's eyes do that.  But if it jumps
significantly - or if you experience pain or eye strain when it
jumps.. you may want to see another eye doctor, or eye therapist. 
Just another suggestion.

One more thing:  the part of this that is psychological is NOT the
fact that you are having trouble with eye contact, but the fact that
you are so self conscious of it, and are attributing it to a fault of
your character. Don't be so paranoid, and drive yourself away
from/avoid other people.  You may want to see a psychologist about
this (if eye therapy doesn't help) if you continue to feel this way.

-Rebekah

PS - I'm not a psychologist (yet) - this obviously isn't better than
professional advice you may be able to get.

Your advice is very valuable, I deeply appreciate it. I am a very self
conscious person, I was bullied at school and have issues with regard
to my appearence, and I find it difficult to interact socially.

I'm not as bad now as I was but I still occassionally have problems. I
felt only slight eye-strain when trying out your experiment, I'm
guessing this has something to do with the fact that I am
short-sighted and wear glasses but I will seek further advice.

Many thanks again for your input, I know you're not getting paid for
your comments although I think you should (Google take note!).

You may want to check with your family doctor to rule out any physical
problems, but this sounds like something we all do -- even if we're
not as hyperaware as you are about it.  If this is truly affecting
your daily life, ask your doc for a referral to a group/individual
therapist, a school counselor, or clergyman.
 
Another way to go would be to call your local United Way Agency and
check for support groups in your area.
http://national.unitedway.org/myuw
 
Here are a few links for support groups on the web:
  
http://www.healthyplace.com 
http://dmoz.org/Health/Mental_Health/Self-Help/Support_Groups/ 
http://www.psychnet-uk.com/chat_rooms/mental_health_chatrooms.htm 
http://directory.google.com/Top/Health/Support_Groups/Mental_Health/ 
 
From a sales perspective:
http://www.salesvault.com/artman/publish/article_99.shtml 

"Pick a spot on the wall and focus on it for five seconds....count one
thousand-one....one thousand- two....and so forth. If you practice
this for a short time you will develop a good sense for how long most
people are comfortable with direct eye-ball to eye-ball contact. Eye
contact held much longer than five seconds sets up a staring contest
that is unnatural. Further, Ron Willingham, author of THE BEST SELLER,
advises that we should look into one eye. The reason he makes this
very good advice is that it is impossible to look into two eyes at a
time and we make more impact by concentrating on one eye. I think it
makes sense and is good advice."
 
From a body language perspective:
http://www.roundthetable.org/0999-1099/ss-interpreting.html 

"Always make contact at the two most critical parts of an
interaction--the beginning and the end. Practice looking at your
listener's entire face to avoid a staring contest. Circle the other
person's face with your eyes, first focusing on one eye and then on
the other, then on their lips. You will appear attentive. Also, avoid
talking only to those who appear friendly. It is with those who seem
hostile that you need to develop rapport."

From a training perspective:
http://cpol.army.mil/train/courses/st7000/six1-9.htm 
http://cpol.army.mil/train/courses/st7000/six10-30.htm 

To listen with your eyes, use these techniques:  

Technique Rationale 
Look at the speaker's whole face.  Avoids staring.  
Watch the speaker's lips.  Enhances hearing.  
Focus on one eye, then the other.  Increases attentiveness.  
Occasionally shift eyes.  Relieves tension and avoids staring. 
 
From a spiritual perspective:
http://www.santji.allegre.ca/sbmag/sbm23-11/Q800929.html 

"You know that the eyes are the windows of the soul and we all have
only one soul in our within. So as a matter of fact it doesn't make a
lot of difference if you look in one eye or both eyes, but you should
try to look into both eyes. It is not a difficult thing. In the
beginning it may seem difficult, but later on when you practice it, it
becomes routine and then it is not so difficult.

He Who has to purify you will look into both your eyes and only His
looking into your eyes is successful. Your looking into His eyes is
not as useful as His looking into your eyes.

The sight of the perfect Saints is full of nectar. Whenever They stand
in front of us and whenever They cast Their eyes or sight upon us, it
makes no difference whether a man is standing in front of Them or a
woman is standing in front of Them because They are looking only at
the souls."

Namaste,
V