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Dear Astern,
Hello,
What You Need to Do Now
It is more possible to get someone back if you are not desperate and
needy. As long as you are desperate and needy, the other person knows
that and does not want to come back. So the first thing is to nurture
yourself and do things to feel better as an individual. Once you feel
better about yourself without the other person, you will be more able
to discover a way to invite that person to resume a relationship with
you. This will include directly dealing with the real reason for the
break-up and making significant changes to improve things. The work
involved in making those changes is in fact blocked by your own
feelings of being desperate and needy. So the first step is always
going to be for you to take care of those desperate, needy feelings
yourself. Whether or not you succeed in getting the other person back,
this is still the first step you need to take to heal your broken
heart. So my advise is to find ways to nurture yourself and heal your
hurt and fearful feelings as quickly as possible, which means today.
The first rule in relationship is this. If you are not getting the
love you want, you need to do something different. If you just keep
doing what you've always been doing, you will just keep getting the
same results. You are a part of the dance, in other words. The steps
you are now taking affect the way your partner is dancing with you.
Want to change the dance? Change your steps in it.
There are two areas for you to look at. One - What are you doing with
your upset feelings? Two - What behaviours are you now using to try to
get what you want?
1. WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR UPSET FEELINGS?
Are you depending on your partner to take care of your upset feelings?
These could be feelings of need, insecurity, fear, loneliness,
resentment, or any other kind of upset feelings.
Are you looking for a change of behaviour in your partner to take away
upset feelings inside you?
If so, then the OPPOSITE of that would be for YOU to take
responsibility for your own feelings and to self-care and nurture your
own inner self. In other words, if it hurts inside, then instead of
looking to your partner to take care of that hurt by changing their
behaviour, you learn to take care of that hurt feeling yourself.
You might think that this is unfair and that it means you will just
end up accepting an unacceptable situation. Nothing could be further
from the truth. The result of doing this is not to give up power in a
relationship or to simply accept poor treatment by a partner. Taking
care of your own upset feelings actually gives you added power and
strength -- based on internal fortitude and certainty -- to make clear
requests of your partner.
When your requests are mixed up with the sense that you are really
asking your partner to change so that you won't feel bad anymore --
they sense that and are LESS likely to change. When your requests are
clear, direct, and reveal your internal strength -- and you do not
DEPEND in any way on their changing in order for you to feel better --
this is what really gets the attention of someone and influences them
to be more responsive.
2. WHAT BEHAVIORS ARE YOU NOW USING TO TRY TO GET WHAT YOU WANT?
You are now talking and acting in a certain way as you try to affect
your partner. It is not working, is it? So to keep acting or talking
in that way is not likely to work in the future, either.
You will empower your attempt for improvement if you DO SOMETHING
DIFFERENT. I start with trying to figure out what the exact OPPOSITE
thing is to do.
You have to figure out for yourself what that is. But I'll give you a
simple example here. The following is just an example. So don't take
it as my trying to be psychic about what is really going on with you.
The situation may not even resemble yours. This example is just to
focus you on the types of things you might explore and change in your
situation.
The example is about Mary and Jim: Mary wants Jim to be more close, to
spend more quality time together. They are more distant than Mary is
comfortable with. So Mary's upset feelings are discomfort with
distance. And Mary is saying and doing things that are attempts to get
Jim to change.
First, Mary needs to apply #1 above to the situation. Look at the
feelings part of the equation. Mary needs to discover ways to take
care of her own discomfort with distance. That might involve her in:
(a) establishing or renewing deeper friendships with other people; (b)
finding self-nurturing things to do when she is alone; (c) exploring
how her upset feelings might relate to things she carries from
childhood, for instance, the fear of abandonment -- and taking
positive steps to work with and heal these older sources of internal
pain and fear; (d) discovering spiritual practices that elevate her
own mood and gives her a richer sense of who she is as an individual.
These are just a couple of things. The list is hundreds of
possibilities long, and each can make a significant step in her
personal growth and empowerment.
OK, so much for the feelings part. Next, Mary needs to look at the
behaviour part of the equation. What is she actually DOING now to try
to affect Jim? Perhaps she is frequently complaining that they are
distant. Perhaps she acts a little more needy. Perhaps she talks in a
higher pitch voice, kind of like a child, when she asks Jim for more
quality time together -- indicating her insecurity. Perhaps she makes
big threats or demands that they spend time together or else. Perhaps
she pursues Jim in some way. OK, these are the things that do NOT
work. So Mary needs to DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT to get a different
result.
The OPPOSITE of these things would be something like just allowing Jim
to have all the time and space apart that he wants. And matching him
on that. If Jim spends a lot of time with friends, Mary spends time
with hers or makes new ones. If Jim is always busy with work or
activities, then Mary gets busy with her own work and activities. If
Jim talks about the value of independence, then Mary sings its praises
too.
Why go in the OPPOSITE direction? Wouldn't that, in the example above,
actually endanger the relationship further? Well, that's what you
would commonly think. Because if nobody is trying to make the
relationship happen, maybe it would just fall apart, right?
Wrong. If a relationship in fact has any real basis or future to it,
both parties are equally motivated to make it happen. But often one
person takes the lead in pursuing togetherness. They carry the flag
for "Closeness" and "Connection" like Mary in the example. Perhaps
this relates to old insecurities in her. But whatever the reason, that
automatically forces the other person, Jim in this case, to fall
behind on that score -- and take up the flag for "Individual Space"
and "Distance." Perhaps he does that because he was overly controlled
as a kid. The reasons don't matter as much as how to change the trap
the couple gets stuck in.
Both individuality and connection are vital in a healthy relationship.
But if one person takes up one flag, the other person has to take up
the other flag. The way out of that dilemma is ultimately for both
people to take up both flags.
To get there, one person has to change what they are doing.
In your case, making this change falls on you, because you are the one
asking me for advice today. So if you were Mary in the situation
above, you would be called on to put down your flag for "Closeness"
and take up your own flag for "Individuality" -- and in doing so, if
you indeed have a motivated partner, they will soon have to take up
their flag for "Closeness" and start making overture to YOU for more
time together.
As soon as one partner backs off, the other one has to fill in the
space. It takes courage for the first partner to make that move of
letting go, because then they are filled with even more discomfort and
fear inside themselves (or anger or resentment). This takes us back to
step one again, and you dealing with your own feelings through
self-care and self-nurturing. This leads to self-healing and
self-empowerment.
I also said that if you have a motivated partner, they will respond to
the change YOU make in yourself. What if you find out that your
partner is in fact NOT motivated? What if, in the example above, the
other person never tried to fill in the space and the relationship
simply drifted apart?
Then my advice is this. You would want that to happen as soon as
possible. Because it would happen sooner or later anyway. And why get
yourself even more involved with someone who doesn't want to be with
you? In the end, you got to ask yourself: "Why would I truly want to
want anyone who doesn't truly want me?" So it would be to your
advantage in the long run to face whatever short term upset or pain
might happen, so that you would free yourself to have a truly
rewarding relationship with someone else in the future. And to better
prepare yourself for a healthy, happy, successful relationship by
learning to care for your own feelings and empower yourself to get the
love you want in a real relationship.
Hope this advice helps.
Warm regards,
Solutionpro_ga |
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