My boyfriend of ten months (we met in an on-line dating site/met in
person 9 months ago and see each other every other weekend) visits
porn sites on his computer in the morning before he goes to work (and maybe
other times).  We have talked about marriage (he has taken me on a trip to meet
his mother and his father-they are divorced) and I am in love with him.  1)
I do not understand how he can prefer what he finds on the computer to
what we could share together on the phone during our weeks apart, 2) I
do not understand how he can visit those sites after we have been
together over a weekend...and then tell me he loves me.  This sounds
like an obsession and even though I am so in love with him and want to
marry him, I am not certain I want to be a part of this or even know
how to deal with it.  I am trying to find data/information (about
internet porn obsession) that would enable me to make a decision as to
continuing or ending the relationship.

Hello--

I have carefully researched your question and have your answer.

First, relationship experts would recommend that you talk with your
boyfriend about your concerns. Tell him how it makes you feel. Be
honest. Tell him you don't understand how the two of you could spend a
weekend together and then the next morning he hops on the computer to
look at pornography. Ask him why he does it, whether he likes the porn
more than he likes you. Make sure you have a serious conversation with
him about this.

Based on your depiction of his porn habit, he may be addicted to
Internet porn. It sounds funny. But he may be. There's a good
questionnaire you or he can complete to determine this. The link is
http://www.onlinesexaddict.org/osaq.html

A study on sex addition was completed by MSNBC.com and The San Jose
Marital and Sexuality Center. They surveyed more than 9,000 Internet
users. They found that "almost 80 percent used their home computers
for sexual purposes. In addition, one percent of respondents could be
classified as cybersex compulsives (used the Internet for sexual
purposes for 11 or more hours per week). [4] The following are more
results from the survey.
7 of 10 participants in survey keep online sexual activities a secret
1 in 5 men and 1 in 8 women use computers at work to access sexual
material
6 times as many men engage in online sexual pursuits as women
In addition, the study suggested that at many as 17 percent of
respondents that were not at risk before the Internet may now be
vulnerable to sex addiction that interferes with their daily lives.
[5] Sexual addiction is a growing problem in our society."

You may read this complete article online. The link is
http://www.stanford.edu/~mrubens/pornsite2/addiction.htm

Another substantial study about porn addiction has a web site. The
link is http://www.chatcheaters.com/pornaddiction.htm

The National Council on Sex Addiction and Compulsivity has published
numerous papers and studies. You may see a list of this data at
http://www.ncsac.org/position.htm

A Christian web site deals specifically with the issue of sexual
addiction. You may find it helpful. They even have volunteers to whom
you may write for personal information. Be sure to look for the
section called "Married or Engaged to Sex Addicts."
The link is http://www.christiananswers.net/love/stories.html

An article in Cosmopolitan looks at the issue of having a boyfriend
addicted to sex. The link is
http://magazines.ivillage.com/cosmopolitan/experts/agony/qas/0,12750,192655_286204,00.html

A good article about porn addiction is on the MSNBC web site. The link
is http://www.msnbc.com/news/443437.asp

A list of good books for spouses and loved ones of porn addicts can be
found online. The link is
http://www.porn-free.org/books_spouse_porn_addicts.htm

An article by Dr. Tony Fiore called "Internet Porn Can Become
Compulsive" is online. The link is
http://www.sexcoachonline.com/education.asp

If you decide you'd like to talk with a sex therapist about this
issue, there's a decent web site that can help you find the right
counselor. The link is http://www.find-a-therapist.com/

Christian Women Today published an article called "My Husband was
Addicted to Porn." It's pretty interesting. The link is
http://www.christianitytoday.com/tcw/2001/003/11.74.html

An addiction web site: http://www.peele.net/faq/wanking.html

To conduct this research, I searched the following terms: dr.
obsession porn, husband "sexual addiction," "my boyfriend" "addicted
to sex," "my boyfriend" "addicted to sex" "break up," "addicted to
porn" study

I hope this helps! If you need any clarification, please don't
hesitate to ask.

darrel-ga

In my opinion there's nothing to be ashamed or guilty about in viewing
pornography. My girlfriend and I do it all the time.

The problem here isn't necessarily that your boyfriend views
pornography, but whether or not this activity is compatible with your
relationship and, if it currently isn't, whether you're talking about
it.

If you talk about it you may get a response that leads you to accept
the activity... or even participate. You may get a response that leads
your boyfriend to discontinue his activity. Or you may get a response
that leads one or both of you to conclude that you are better off
going your separate ways.

Critical for any outcome that doesn't cause undue misery is to make
sure you do actually talk about it. And make sure you put aside enough
time to have a real discussion.

darrel, great answer. You found some things I was not able to find
when I tried to research this myself a while back.

somynona, what if you did accept it at the level it was at in the
beginning, no problem; and you did occaisionally participate, because
you don't have any insecurity about it, nor moral objection; but then
things accelerated, gigs of porn on the computer, cyber sex and email
cheating, etc.

Once addressed, calmly, good timing, non-judgemental stance; in short
in a respectful way and to communicate my growing concern, well, lets
just say that my feelings were not respected, and our sex-life tanked.
Most people can use porn in a way that is not destructive; some
cannot. Instead of thinking it is the woman's problem, that she is
insecure, or a prude; be open to the possibility that some people are,
in fact addicted; have lost jobs, marriages, etc, and still cannot
quit. It has nothing to do with normal, healthy sexuality when it gets
to this point.

Still, no one can decide for anyone whether they have a "problem" or
not. As somynona says, you need to decide for yourself what you can
live with or not; and still maintain your own values and self-esteem.
There, thanks for letting me get that off my chest!

To me, I think the question here is whether his porn-viewing habit is
directly interfering with the relationship (or his life). If not, then
I think it's a subjective matter.

People break up with each other over subjective matters all the time.
For instance, I wouldn't want my girlfriend going to a guilt-inducing
church every Sunday, nor would I want her exposed to
commercially-ladden self-esteem-lowering women's magazines.

However, I wouldn't really confront her on those issues, a
confrontation over such an individual issue usually doesn't work, so
I'd probably just end up breaking up with her.