How to be Forgiven...

Is there a way that someone may get to be "forgiven" for  a past mistake?
What exactly can one do to "make amends" ?

Hi, Steph.

I have lived for more than half a century, and in that time I have
been on both sides of the forgiveness equation more often than I can
count. One thing that I have observed: during the periods of my life
when I was a grudge-holder, I had much difficulty in finding
forgiveness from those whom I had wronged. In order to inspire
forgiveness in others, I believe that you must have a forgiving heart.

I do not know whether you follow any religious faith, but I think
persons of all religions (and persons of no religion) can find wisdom
in this simple, yet profound scripture:

Judge not, and ye shall not be judged: condemn not, and ye shall not
be condemned: forgive, and ye shall be forgiven. (Luke 6:37, KJV)

And oh, how true it is. Forgiveness from others flows so much more
freely when we are ourselves of a forgiving nature. To put it another
way, in modern terms, what goes around comes around. There is a
reflexive quality to human relationships; if you choose to go through
life in a deliberate attempt to give others your best, and to look for
the best in others, you will tend to find what you're seeking. Corny,
yes. Most of the greatest truths have a taste of corn to them. ;-)

One thing that you must not do if you wish to be forgiven is to wait
too long to apologize. Absence and silence are not the friends of
forgiveness. The more time passes, the deeper a rift between friends
or lovers can become. If you have an apology to make, make it NOW. Or,
if now is not possible, then SOON. Not next month. Not next year. A
plea for forgiveness doesn't need to be scripted and polished; a
heartfelt and brief utterance today is worth immeasurably more than a
beautifully prepared speech many tomorrows from now.

I wrote this little poem a long time ago, after a disagreement with a
dear friend turned into a feud. Foolishly, I waited it out, thinking
that if I said nothing to my friend, things would get better. They did
not. I kept telling myself that sooner or later we would smooth things
over. Unfortunately, my friend died before that happened.

The rot moves in so surely
When things are left alone.
Blood crystallizes purely,
Hearts become stone,
A subtle glaze of blindness
Diminishes sight.
Put out the light,
And the milk of human kindness
Turns to yogurt overnight.

I think that one of the most wrong-headed sayings of our time is "Love
is never having to say you're sorry." In my view, love requires us to
say we're sorry, even in small matters. If we say that we are sorry,
and if we mean what we say, love can survive some of the rockiest
roads imaginable.

Now that I've said my piece, here are some online articles that I
think you'll find useful:

Media Message: The Ten Steps to Obtaining Forgiveness
http://www.mediamessage.com/OURCHIVE/forgivenesspractice.htm#The%20Top%2010%20Steps%20to%20Obtaining%20Forgiveness

Unitarian Universalist Church of South County: Finding Forgiveness
http://www.uucsc.org/FindingForgiveness.htm

American Ethical Union: Steps to Seeking Forgiveness
http://www.aeu.org/forgive.html

University of Michigan: How link between forgiveness and health
changes with age
http://www.umich.edu/~newsinfo/Releases/2001/Dec01/r121101a.html

Salon.com: How to Say You're Sorry
http://archive.salon.com/people/feature/2001/08/23/sorry_if/

Grrl.com: Relationships101, How to Say You're Sorry 
http://www.grrl.com/saysorry.html

Ask Men: Cheat Sheat on Apologizing
http://www.askmen.com/dating/heidi_60/64_dating_girl.html

Naked Relationships: Love means saying you're sorry
http://www.nakedrelationships.com/columns/cols/2001-10-25column.html

University of Nebraska Cooperative Extension: When and How to
Apologize
http://extension.unl.edu/welfare/apology.htm

Google Answers: How to Be Forgiven
http://answers.google.com/answers/main?cmd=threadview&id=226745

Google search strategy:

Google Web Search: "obtaining" + "forgiveness"
://www.google.com/search?hl=en&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&q=%22obtaining+forgiveness

Please let me know if I can provide additional help. As I've said, I
am an old hand in the area of forgiveness. I've been there. I've done
that. And I've learned. By every mistake and every triumph I have
learned. As you will.

Best,
Pink

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Request for Answer Clarification by steph53-ga on 11 Aug 2003 20:18 PDT

Thank you, Pink, but I DID apologize over and over..with no response..
so I guess what I am asking, with all said & done, there has been no
forgiveness even after my efforts.
Mabe I just need to accept the fact that I will never be forgiven...
Anyway, your answer was superb...so I will rate it and just float into
the background again :(

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Clarification of Answer by pinkfreud-ga on 11 Aug 2003 20:26 PDT

Steph,

In my view, part of taking responsibility for having hurt someone is
accepting the painful possibility that the person may choose not to
forgive you. It's hard to take, I know. If you've already offered your
apologies, the ball is in the other person's court.

You can decide to hold your head high, avoid the temptation to wallow
in guilt, and use this dead friendship as fertilizer from which better
relationships may grow.

~Pink

Thank you Pink....
Whatever the future holds is in my hands now and if I am truly never
forgiven then I must accept that...

Excellent answer, Pink!

Thank you very much for the five-star rating and the nice tip! 

Who knows... maybe the person whose forgiveness you seek will
eventually read this question, and will know how sincere your
apologies were, and how troubled you were by the rift in your
relationship. I've heard of stranger things happening on the Internet.

~Pink

Hi!!!

Just my 2 cents here...

A while back I read something in a Newspaper about forgiveness, it
really touched me because it expressed everything I believed in, so I
copied & printed it for my children to have and remember. I did this
because somethimes they would do something bad and then expected me to
just forget about it if they only said "I'm sorry", but as I often
tell them, it's not just a matter of appologizing for what you have
done wrong, is trully feeling sorry for what you have done and showing
it! By merely saying "I'm sorry! OK!?!?, What else do you want???"
they are actually making me more upset because they are not really
appologizing, but just merely trying to make the issue go away by just
saying SORRY, but not understanding the full meaning behing an
appology.

Anyway, sorry about the rant. 

Here is the copy of what I follow everytime I feel the need to
appologize, and what I look for in an appology:


F o r g i v e n e s s


Some imagine that they have to forgive, forget, and just move forward
with somebody who has done something bad or wrong to them or someone
else in spite of the fact that they never owned up or apologized.

Check the scriptures and you'll see that repentance is a constant
requirement from the prophets and from God.

The qualities of repentance, getting back on track, are the four R's:

RESPONSIBILITY: We must recognize that we have done wrong.

REGRET: We must have true remorse for doing wrong and for the pain and
problems we've caused.

RESOLVE: We must be committed never to repeat the act regardless of
the temptations or situation.

The fourth and probably the most difficult is REPAIR, repair the
damage we've done, or at least do what we can to apologize directly to
the injured party.

When someone goes through these four R's with sincerity, you have the
obligation to forgive even if the trust is not yet re-established.

Sometimes we will find it easier to forgive if we remember that it's
not the same to forgive and to forget.